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GardenArtist if you're like our folks, you won't be able to find that note when the time comes. Hahahahahaha. :)
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Arwen, don't feel badly. I have to remind myself constantly, every time I visit my father. It's often hard to make the mental adjustment to what a caregiver expects vs. what the reality is.

And I need to make notes for myself for how I might be if I live that long!
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If she's "confused and depressed" at times, she might not want to commit to an outing.
I think older folks, with a bit of cognitive decline, sometimes don't want others to know that they're "slipping", so they shun visits, etc.
Since your mom doesn't have dementia, ASK her if she would like you to arrange outings with her friends. She may not really want to go. My mother would NEVER admit she wasn't as sharp as a tack, she would tell you she was just fine (pride). But she couldn't distinguish an aspirin from a vitamin and would go to meals hours before they were served.

You say she gets confused after you leave. Is your mom easily "re-orientable"? Is she safe to leave alone?
She also has "company" (caregivers and you) for a total of 7 hours a day. That's more than the average senior. Maybe she would do better in a senior facility (independent or assisted living) than living alone at home.

Since you are already feeling slightly resentful (which is normal for the amount of time you invest), I wouldn't suggest that she move in with you.

You sound like you're a wonderful daughter and are doing a great job. But, like Blannie said, sometimes you can't fix everything.
Good luck.
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GardenArtist, I'm so sorry that you lost your sister. This must have been terrible for you. More and more I can see how this place is a place of survivors, and that the wisdom that I find here is something I'll never find in any counselling.

Perhaps it's true that we do sacrifice ourselves, a lot, but this is not necessarily codependancy, as I felt it was subtly hinted by my therapist; it's being a carer, and having been through lots. Just this.

As I often feel reading your posts, you really reed minds!
It's so, so weird how similar our experiences are, and how difficult is to explain to someone external what they are really about, and where the tiredness comes from...

* creating a calendar + many (many) reminders: check
* realizing mom doesn't remember to have a calendar, nor the reminders: check
* drawing much bigger, huge calendar for her: check
* asking her friend to pick her up: check
* reminding mom a zillion times her friend is coming to pick her up: check
* realizing mom is still in her pijamas eating a muffin and watching TV when her friend comes to pick her up: check

Oh LOL. I have to smile as you really are making me think of all the things I do, frantically, hopelessly, every day and then I wonder why I feel so tired...

I don't know if it's trauma, if it's age, if it's dementia, if I'm codependant... all these after all are just labels.
What I'll do, I'll buy a calendar with kittens AND dogs AND flowers. It'll probably make no difference but at least every time I'll watch it I'll think of your post and smile again.

Thank you :)
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I'm seeing the same issues about which Blannie wrote. I think sometimes the changes are so abrupt that we don't realize they're occurring, but when they do, it's more responsibility for us. Even if you created a calendar for her, you'd probably have to prompt her with reminders if not arrangements to engage in activities.

But I won't deny that I often have the same problem myself; sometimes it's just too much to handle social engagements with all the caregiving activities, so I just let the former drift by.

Asking others to take the initiative in providing transportation for events could help, but make sure that Mom is reminded beforehand (and helped to get ready, if necessary), so she isn't caught off guard.

You might get one of the those huge calendars, or something smaller but pretty, with cats, dogs, flowers or other lovely themes to draw her eye to the current monthly page.

I think when someone reaches this stage, "carrying her own weight" isn't an option w/o some kind of family support.

And this isn't necessarily an age related issue; I believe it's a trauma issue. I experienced it after my sister died.
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blannie, thank you! I needed to read all you have written.

Deep down, I know that the neurological evaluation was a bit on the optimistic side.
Deep down, I know that she can't help it.

Why do I still get so frustrated, and why I feel resentful, it totally escapes me.
It's like a part of me doesn't want to accept her cognitive decline. Or perhaps the responsability attached to it, as you say.

Your idea is the only viable one, one that I had had myself but just felt yet another thing to organize, and after many years of (various) illnesses and dramas I'm probably just feeling tired. But the alternative is just silly: I end up discussing this with my mom, and going nowhere, of course.

Your example of the card is spot on; it happens the same every day to me too, with everything, really. From toothbrushing to writing down an appointment; if I don't sit down with her and wait until she's done it it just doesn't happen.

I just wonder how long it will take me to fully realize that this is our life now, and that is ok.

Your words have really encouraged me. Thank you *hugs*
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If you watch the Teepa Snow videos on dementia, one of the things that happens when people start to lose some cognitive function is they lose initiative. I saw that in my mom. She was able to live on her own until her death at 97. But she had some cognitive decline (memory and reasoning ability) and lost her ability to get from point A to point B, even when she wanted to. For example, she'd say, "I'm going to write so-and-so" only she never did. I'd take an addressed birthday card for her friend and it would sit until I sat there with her waiting for her to write a short note on the card. That was NOT like my mom. But she just couldn't make anything outside of her normal day-to-day activity happen on her own. She was constantly going to do things that she never did. After watching the Teepa Snow video, I finally understood what was happening.

My mom was kind of a loner and I became her whole world and sometimes it grated on me (the responsibility), but I finally realized in my mom's case, she could change it anytime she wanted. She lived in independent living and had people all around her. But I think she knew she had some cognitive decline and just didn't want to be around others anymore.

Could you set up some standing dates for your mom with her friends? Every Monday she has lunch with Sally and every Wednesday, she meets Louise for coffee at 3 PM at Panera? Something like that? Then it would just be up to you to make sure mom knows the schedule and the friends are notified if there are changes. That's the only thing that I could think of to make her friends understand how to get together with your mom. It sounds like you are doing a LOT for your mom and she's lucky to have you. Sometimes we can't "fix" everything for our aging parents, which can be very frustrating.
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