How should I handle the car key situation?

Why is it so hard to take away a key from someone who shouldn't be driving? You are the grown up now, they are like children. Just take the key and tell them you'll drive them where they want to go.

"Misplace" them. ?

Disable the car by removing some key components - spark plugs, i. e. Good Heavens - she should not be behind the wheel of a motor vehicle as the person she MAY kill won't be herself.

Thats fine. Its like a toy in that way. Eazy peasy!

No this is not mean to do it call "Compasionat Deceit". It sounds really good not only will it protect her from getting in an accident but will protect others from her accidentally hitting them.

Let me tell you my little story. My DH has dementia. I knew SOMETHING was wrong but what, it was hard to tell in the beginning as he was still acting very normal in other ways.

1rst accident-him vs gas pump protector. He said he was stressed, I bought it.

2nd accident-Drove into a handicap parking sign while parking. Said he couldnt see it. I thought, yeah, depth perception, night, he needs new glasses. Happens.

3rd one-Drove into the back of a car carrying truck. IN A PARKING LOT. Police were involved.

(About this time I was begging his VA doctor to DO SOMETHING, that something was not right, but of course the VA doesnt care.)

4th one...I went outside to see the ENTIRE side of my truck crunched in. He could not recall what happened.

5th one...I got in the truck to drive it, and the side view mirror was dangling off. He had no idea how it happened.

(At this point I was SCREAMING at the doctor to DO SOMETHING, take away his license, test him, screen him-he'd been a safe driver all his life. AND WORSE..the store that he mostly had all these accidents was..seriously, ACROSS THE STREET from where we lived.

6th accident-rear bumper MANGLED, though he "Caught it" on something. I mean not a little bend but twisted UP and out.

7th one, rear tail light broken out, but he did tape it back together ...sort of..WITH BLACK TAPE.

I pulled up the REPORT AN UNSAFE DRIVER FORM in my state ONLINE. I sent it in. Took about a month but they responded by taking away his drivers lic. I said, very nicely, they have elder exams...go pass one and I will let you drive again. He became ANGRY-NO WAY I WILL I will take a driver's test. Fine I said, then you won't drive. He would take the keys anyhow like when I was asleep-but there were no more accidents, and this only happened a couple of time, but I did get loud with him, and I feel absolutely NO GUILT, dementia or not. I had to get in the habit of hiding them, locking my door while I slept etc.

Finally he got tired of me screaming, and I did get loud. I kept the keys on my person or hidden or in my room. Slowly we transitioned to me being the sole driver. Then one night...I said to him...can you pull the truck up in the driveway for me? WHAT WAS I THINKING?? I thought I was being nice, had a soft moment where I thought, he can do that and be helpful and it will make him feel good. How much harm could he do in a driveway? RIGHT into the main trellis of the front porch to the point I thought the porch was going to come down. WORSE..I was jaw dropped open looking at the front of the mangled HOUSE and he walked right past it and said...no big deal, I'll fix it. Of course THAT never happened. And THAT was the very last time he drove. He never even asked after that. I think he knew. Now I can leave the keys out all the time, (Plus I added about 20 extra keys on a big chain so he cannot FIND the truck key and he is not that determined. He can no longer find a single house key that is HIS on a XTRA large keychain. He won't touch my keys or even attempt to drive anymore, but then again, he is much worse then when this started.

Any of these accidents could have been someone's life, or mine, or his. Thankfully they were not. I'm all for laying down the law...give her a fake key but in the mean time either have her Doctor or YOU report her as unsafe. I can sleep guilt free. But I was in denial for obviously at least 3 accidents. Do not WAIT to report her and have her licensed yanked and let her SEE the letter they send. They do not say WHO reported them either. Which is nice.

I was in a horrible auto accident, took me years to recover. Was not my fault. But the fellow who caused it was well into his 70's. I was just in my 20's. He had half his head SLICED AWAY but lived for about 6 days. There was another lady involved as well. My knees went through the engine block, my sternum was cracked. DON'T be the one who in ANY WAY allows her to harm some one else, if you do, it will be YOUR FAULT!

My SIL dealt with taking the van away by letting a family friend taking it to his house. When Dad asked she said J needed it because theirs broke down and it would be back in week. The next week – Oh, it’s in the shop getting new breaks. Always found an excuse for it being elsewhere. Being that they lived on a farm there was always someone around to take him places if he wanted.

For my mother I ended up having the Dr. determine that she should no longer drive and the DMV sent her a letter. She wasn’t happy but it was the only way to get her to understand. We’d used her car to go places when I was there on the weekend or to go to medical appointments, otherwise it sat in her garage.

a friend's mom was in hospital due to a car accident. They found out the hard way, it was the 4th or 5th accident within 6 weeks or so..The last accident ended her up in hospital.
The family didn't know, mom didn't tell them about the prior accidents. The last accident was only told due to her being hospitalized. She passed away about 4 months later due to a rare brain cancer... The didn't know why she didn't mention the first 4 accidents.. Scared? maybe. Scared she might lose her license? maybe. I don't recall if there were any major injuries in the first accidents...
But best to play is safely

They only found out about the brain cancer because hospital had to run tests and scans...

DTGRAY you said you'd rather keep both cars in case one breaks down. Sit down and do some math. If you only have one car, you only have one tag fee, one insurance fee and one set of maintenance fees. If it should need repairs and has to be in the shop overnight you can always use Uber or Lyft in the meantime or have things delivered if it's groceries or meals. I think if you added up the costs of keeping and insuring, tagging and maintaining to vehicles you will see that you can save the extra and put in a kitty for emergencies or repairs. Also newer cars today are much more reliable if you keep them maintained. Plus cars have to be driven...you can't just park hers and never drive it to keep it working right and battery charged etc. Had you thought of any of these things. Keeping both "just in case" doesn't make sound financial sense.

I am Currently struggling with the same dilemma: My father is alert in the morning although he is deaf even with his hearing aids, but he insists on driving To do local errands Or go to doctors or the pharmacy. His elderly primary doctor told him he is fine to drive but he has known him for decades and doesn't see him now the way he really is. He has some moments where he is really starting to change and he is weakening and his legs and arms, plus he suffers from occasional leg cramps. My 19 year old nephew says he is uncomfortable riding with him, And I believe my sister has mixed feelings as well. Recent physical therapy has helped him both mentally and physically, So I will take them aside and ask them how to know when is the right time and how to best assess that and then take action.