I’m so unhappy.
I have a mom who’s mentally fit. Tested many times by doctor: she’s mentally healthy.
I have one brother whom my mom adores. He does nothing to help. I help my elderly mom. I don’t live with her.
I have minimum contact with her. She’s very mean to me. Today she went beyond any previous limit of meanness: she falsely accused me of stealing her money and denying her access to her own money. It’s all false.
My brother calls her once a year to say “hi”. Today, in front of me, while I helped her with errands, she called my brother to falsely accuse me. He believed her (he’s mean too). I told him it’s not true and I showed him the bank statements. He saw it’s not true.
I can’t believe how badly I’m treated compared to my brother.
I guess some people can shrug off false accusations. I can too. But it got me angry that she falsely accused me to my brother and that he believed it. I guess I shouldn’t care what he thinks. But I prefer to quickly clear my name, to quickly set things right, so I immediately showed the bank statements.
How do you deal with such nasty behavior?
Thanks in advance.
I guess you just reduce contact to almost nothing. Anyway, I’m angry.
Sorry for this, but I need to express it this way. This is how I feel: !>,~^+=*%%%%}{{][]~>€€!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Edit:
someone replied:
“If she is not having mental issues or dementia, then I would 100% blow her off.”
She definitely doesn’t have dementia. No memory trouble. Not a single strange mental thought. She lied to try to make me look bad.
What do you see as the necessary changes?
But the only real decision, change, is whether or not to cut contact completely, or at least reduce contact to almost nothing. But I want to ensure I can still talk with my aunt. The difficulty is that they live together.
Have you read this thread?
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/elder-mom-is-miserable-nasty-hateful-person-145470.htm?orderby=recent
It's more than 10 years old. You might find some comfort in the fact that (a) you are NOT alone and (b) it's not you.
What are Moms and Aunts ages? Mom is a double amputee, is this caused by diabetes? If so, Mom is going to continue to have problems caused by diabetes. She will be in the hospital at some point or at a doctors appt, thats when you sneek over and see your Aunt.
I wrote because I’m so unhappy. I’m also hoping, searching, for ways to deal with this. Suddenly maybe someone has a great idea and I can implement it.
“So, will she (aunt) really be surprised when you break off all contact?”
My aunt won’t be surprised, she even suggested it (so as to protect myself). But neither her, nor I, want to break contact with each other.
“Can you not call her on the phone?”
They live together, both housebound. Calls must be on speaker phone, very loud, hearing problems. No privacy.
The amputations weren’t caused by diabetes.
“She will be in the hospital at some point or at a doctors appt, thats when you sneek over and see your Aunt.”
That’s exactly what I do.
My mom is in great health; she’s almost never at the doctor’s.
Returning to the original problem (she lied: accused me of stealing), that topic is over now, because it was very easy for me to disprove. I’m sure other allegations with follow.
I know that if I don’t walk away, it’ll never stop.
I feel sad about how many daughters are put in this impossible situation and put up with crap. Why?
Because, it is expected.
I say over and over again, nobody who abuses caregivers deserves caregiving, it is care and giving, what do we receive in return? Rhetorical question.
For those who abuse other arrangements are possible, hire caregivers, go to facility etc.
I agree, my situation is very typical.
“For those who abuse other arrangements are possible, hire caregivers, go to facility etc.”
I organized caregivers. It’ll start soon. But what do I do? This:
Someone will have to check on the caregivers once in a while. My brother won’t. That means I will? That means more contact with my mom.
Someone will have to deal with other issues that arise.
I’d like to have very little (or no) contact with my mom.
Your mom mentally fit? Pfft!
What you've described is toxic behavior. No need to wonder why, no need to look for motives. Ultimately, it makes no difference. Lying is immoral, wrong, toxic, poisonous. Protect yourself by going no or low contact. If circumstance throws you together, practice "gray rock" around her. If you don't know what gray rock, is, do a search here or an online search; you'll find plenty of information.
You can't change your mom but you can change how you respond to her toxicity.
Cameras.
You can have the care giver agency set up a meeting with the care givers prior to them starting. During this short meeting -take a couple notes, their name, get an impression, let them know what to expect and what you expect be done specifically, how thankful you are for them and mention the cameras- even if they are never installed.
It can be a help for the care givers from being accused of stealing or whatever new target your mother picks - to have it recorded showing them doing nothing but honest work.
You can get your aunt to agree by saying you want to be sure that they are safe and the care givers do not get sticky fingers or something to that effect.
I live over 5000 miles from my father and have motion cameras that allow me to see every movement (but not the bathroom kind!), if the grass cutting got done, etc. if required.
In the last year I have only reviewed them for one short moment when a shelf was knocked down "by one of THEM looking for my money" in the garage. He did it and the care giver was standing near him watching over him.
Thankfully it has never been an issue, since we have a wonderful set of care givers. It took a couple tries but found a set that work very well with my cantankerous father.
Getting some space and time away from the hurtful untrue things will help. You are doing your best and the best for you is to get some breathing room.
You know you are an honest loving soul who is not stealing.
You know that.
Let that be your shield and your sword.
As long as you continue to put up with her abuse, you are unconsciously telling her that you are okay with her behavior towards you. Therefore, there is no reason for her to change her behavior towards you.
I think you have 2 options since I’m assuming you’ve already gathered the courage to give her timely feedback when she does something you do not like: 1) get help from a professional therapist to guide you through a change 2) give her a warning of 2 or 3 more times of potential no contact, then go no contact for say 2 months. If it happens again, extend no contact for 3 months.
Before you do option #2, please talk it over with your brother so that he understands what you are doing and why. He doesn’t have to agree with it, he just needs to know why you are doing it and what you are going to do.
If she totally is fine in all health, then she should be able to swim in the ocean of life without biting the hand that is trying to help her.
It is not uncommon for mothers to take daughters for granted or to see them as competition and while adoring sons.
I can only offer my empathy because I've been there too. My brother would be in my mother's ear about me - this is historical - and she would in turn, give me a hard time. She adored him - she supported him when he barely worked because of his addiction to alcohol.
Sometimes I would push back against them and that would only serve to make things worse.
Some things that my mother said to me during the triangulation period that I wrote down in 2016!
I was jealous of her relationship with my brother.
I have always been resentful because I think he was given more than me.
I was always the one who started any hostility.
She will be gone before long. (she's still here and going strong)
I'm too sensitive and have always been too sensitive.
I was just as bad as my brother when growing up. (not true)
So, lots of criticism and guilt.
In 2017 I brought her to live with me - she was 90 years old at the time, and the triangulation dynamic moved with her into my home and remained until my brother passed away in 2019.
I'm saddened that it took my brother's death to end the toxic triangle. However, when you have two people who are comfortable in that dynamic, it's almost impossible to fix it.
All of that to say - I understand and I wish you the best.
OK, true confession time. I have played this game. Where you keep thinking, it’s not that bad, you go through the whole bunch of scenarios in your head where it could’ve been different, where you made the slightest error and so it must be all your fault, that you have to be the good daughter, the good sibling, the good moral person who puts up with this behavior, etc. etc. I could go on and on. I was, and you are, lying to thyself.
Stop it! When I did get to the end of my rope I did cut it off and walked away but a lot of damage had been done in my heart, soul and mind. and for nothing. My bad for letting it go on so long. Lol! I just put myself down again. I gotta forgive myself and let it go. Very slippery slope that habit of blaming yourself for everything.
So again I say stop it! heed our good advice & get help. find the grit to walk away and reach out in your soul to God to help you and to the healthy relationships you DO know that exist. The work is up to you but you can do it. Think about the energy you spend putting up with a negative relationship. You have that same energy to turn and make it go down a new street to help yourself. In itself it proves you’re strong enough to do it - just push it in the right direction. You are worth it. And God WILL help you, trust and believe, and let others support you on your forward journey. ☺️
If you Google the aging Narcissist you’ll find some interesting info. Generally they’ll pull you into something you can’t win, like trying to get gum off your shoe it only gets worse the more you mess with it.
It’s how they entertain themselves when life slows down and there is not as much supply as the old days.
Your sentence tells me that you're in denial. Have you ever seen the "Mommie Dearest" movie...................a strong representation of a psychopath.
The only solution is to disconnect so that you don't confuse abuse with love. Please set yourself an appointment with a Psychiatrist who can educate and medicate if it is indicated. If you continue to engage with a psychopath, then you are a willing victim.
It goes against human nature for a parent to be abusive, but it happens and children grow up to realize that they really were abused children. Time to move on and allow yourself to explore what happiness means to you; don't cheat yourself out of that experience.
Have you asked or figured out in what way, in her mind, you have accomplished this theft?
If she explains, for instance, that you take a check out of her checkbook then don't enter her home anymore and visit her at a coffe shop or stay in your car and tell you'll take her shopping, if you really must.
I wouldn't.
This is a dangerous woman to you. She may report you to the police one day. Imagine having a police report for the rest of your days. Even an accusation.
If you don't protect yourself, you're silly. If you don't recognize that this is, again, dangerous, and stinks, you've got some deep and serious digging to do in your mind.
You have to seriously look into why you think you must eat poop, dangerous, insulting, childishly evil poop, then boy, your mom is exactly only half your problem.
You are self-flagellating by dealing with her. You can stop this dance with this monster dance partner you seem to need. Some people enjoy or think they deserve or will gain points if they only endure one more slight, one more punch.
(Btw, to those who think I think that such a thing is actually enjoyed, come on. It is in a way, subconscientiously. There is great satisfaction in receiving any kind of contact. It's classic. It is not an obvious thing).
Your unhealthy relationship with your mom is a gnawing terrible itch that worsens if scratched. It will never go away with continued scratching. Put ice on it sweetie.
I knew a lady who's mom treated her badly, and also loved her bum of a son.
The mean mom had herself an unattentive drunk mom and so she hated females and unconscientiously took out her hatred of her mom on her daughter.
You are the one who needs help. You have to wake up or you will damage your relationship with your children. Maybe your mom has already screwed you up so badly already that you can't imagine loving a child.
Learn from you brother what it takes to have a great relationship with your mom. Tell your mom that there is nothing you'd like better than to have the kind of relationship that she and your brother have so you will emulate him.
It's only going to get worse.
Correct:
“This is a dangerous woman to you. She may report you to the police one day. Imagine having a police report for the rest of your days. Even an accusation.
If you don't protect yourself, you're silly. If you don't recognize that this is, again, dangerous, and stinks”
(She hasn’t reported me to the police. But I feel she’s capable of anything.)
Sometimes you have to have the 'mean game' conversation. You tell her you are not willing to play it with her. Tell her that you showed your brother all of the documents to prove you have not stolen anything - and - you're pretty sure her mind is still good enough to know that you had not done anything like that. Tell her that it really hurt you bad that she would tell him that...and say 'what if I told family members that you stole money from me'. How do you think you might feel about that? Would you be hurt? Would you never speak to me again? Give her time to think a little and give an answer. If she deflects, bring her back around to the question without raising your voice are engaging in her off the cuff remarks.
Ask her why she would accuse you of doing XX when it is not true. Wait for her answer. Then ask her if she has any sort of care plan than she would rather have instead of you helping. Allow her to answer.
When the conversation has gone as far as it will, close with you wanting to put that behind you. And let her know, if there comes a time that you do not want me helping you, tell me what you plan is and I will help you go in that direction.
If she's mentally with it like you say, it may be that manipulation was her only go-to tactic to try and get your brother involved. Mothers do like the strayed sheep to return to the fold and sometimes hurt others in the process.
More stuff today. My mother is evil.
You sound as if you come from a similar situation. Not surprising. Many do, actually.
One of the things you need to look at, is your own future. Although caring for your mother isn’t about what inheritance you may later receive, you should be aware that, often, a narcissistic parent will either leave the scapegoat nothing, no matter how much they’ve put into that parent’s care or they may die intestate, which may mean that you and your brother will inherit 50/50 and that’s if there is anything left, after any debts. While you may attach emotion to it, you may be the only one. She isn’t, your brother doesn’t sound like he does, and the state will simply go by the numbers. If you are a scapegoat, you may have been alone and on your own, for quite sometime, without ever realizing it. This will not improve, in your mother’s advancing age. NPD o my worsens and my experience was one where, if my mother had any dementia at all, NPD surely gave it a run for it’s money. Look out for yourself. If you must, in order to save your sanity, you may need to allow your mother to become a ward of the state. You will inherit nothing then. But, you will be able to keep your mind and your life.
I must learn from your experience, warnings.
“If you are a scapegoat, you may have been alone and on your own, for quite sometime, without ever realizing it.”
I never realized it until I read your sentence three times.
The dynamics are pretty much the same in these situations and it’s a very toxic and debilitating phenomenon that the rest of the world has trouble understanding. Scapegoats typically end up being lifelong trauma victims suffering from C-PTSD who were given a family role of being the “bad one”, the one to blame, the “problem”. In small communities, this often extends outside of the home and into school, law enforcement settings, health care, the community only sees what the perpetrator wants them to see, an incredibly humble, engaged, loving and compassionate parent who wants to “help” their child, seeking to diagnose and treat problems that aren’t even there sometimes.
Im caregiving directly in the middle of this family dynamic and despite this being a second home to me since I was a young teenager, my bf is the scapegoat and his mother is probably one of the most sadistic and twisted con artists I’ve ever crossed paths with. We’re constantly falling victim to her gross manipulations and attacks. She’s robbed us repeatedly, right under our noses, caused a criminal record from a young age my bf didn’t deserve when he actually needed a savior and removal from the home. Look into the concept, you may find some answers there. Don’t pay any attention to those who seek to invalidate what you’re experiencing. This is a very dark non-family setting that most couldn’t imagine if they tried. Parents are supposed to love you and nurture you not seek to criminalize you from early childhood for their crimes and wrongs.
:(
But seriously, cut your losses and cut her off.
My father treats me like sh*t and I have been caring for him and my mother for the past ten years. My mother has been ill the past three ( severely) going to doctors appointments back to back and in tremendous pain, so I was waiting on her hand and foot and then we finally brought hospice in and she recently died. And now I’m left with my father who is a complete a-hole and let me tell you he is a nightmare he is just an awful man he is so unkind and tells me I’m stupid if I could get out of here I would do so in a minute flat but I’m not financially stable. I would leave him in a nanosecond. He’s 90 years old and a walker needs help, but he treats me like sh*t so unkind heartless, my mother, and he left the house to me and he’s told me that I don’t deserve it And I told him fine go against what Mom wanted and give it to my brother who’s been lost for 30 years I said I don’t care. I’ve told you I don’t want your money and I don’t he’s told me I don’t deserve it and I’ve been here all along not my sister not my brother me , so if you’re financially stable girl, I would run and not look back and I would not feel bad. No way go live your life and be happy.
I took a step back from my mom and didn't reply to her for a couple days and it seemed to help. Praise when good, ignore when bad is an old parenting strategy that seems to work on adults.
ForThanksgiving she said come, make her a plate, then not come, then I never loved her, then how she told the nurses I didn't come because I'm a cruel daughter. Then she never wanted to see me again, then called at 6a.m. asking when I was on the way, then 8, 8:14, 8:27, etc...
I'm with you on the abuse claims and the crazy manipulation. I've hired a therapist and she suggests cut ties. Much like you, I'm torn. Taking a day off silence though has really helped. Fill them up for attention, then plan two days just for yourself. Turn off the phone. Go to a park or museum weather permitting, do something that makes you giddy.
When I did this, magically my mom was surrounded by friends and others. She survived (not without blaming me and accusing me of lies, but she'll always do that)... at least I finally got a reset so I don't lay in bed crying.
Hope this helps.