How long does it take for life to return to “normal?”

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It can take a long time to grieve. You lost your mom. And I know for me, I have been taking care of my parents for over 12 years now and I keep saying I want my life back. My dad has passed over 9 years ago and I know when my mom goes I will have a lot of grieving to do. I am not sure if our old lives ever really "Come back" It will just be different. Give yourself time. Your heart will heal and the tons of paperwork will end.

I sympathize with you in your loss. No one can replace mom. Grief takes time to get past.....I have no answer for you. I will say "a watched pot never boils." I'll add, kudos to you for your faithful caring for mom.

God bless you,
Bob

I can tell you that after 12 years there is still a whole in my life after losing Mom. As an only child I am the only one that remembers my history with my parents my reference point is gone. While I am close with my two cousins (also onlys) on Mom’s side there is a huge age gap of 8 & 14 years. They also did not live near so only memories of a few times a year together. My husband’s parents and three of his 5 siblings are also gone and one sister has removed herself from the family so it’s just him and the baby sister left. Feeling our family shrink is a struggle. I miss the Friday night call from my parents, I miss having someone to fill in the holes in memories from when I was young. I miss the comfort of ‘Home’ when I was there. Yes I have things that fill the time I spent the last two years that I was Mom’s weekend caregiver, yes my husband & son are there for me and we have celebrated much but something will always be missing and that part of me will always be lonely.

Mapotter, I am so sorry for your loss.

May God grant you grieving mercies, strength and peace for this trying time.

One step at a time and remember to take care of you. Try to remember the happier times as you find your new normal.

Hugs!

You cared for her the last 2 yrs. You got into a routine and now u no longer have it. I am with ur brother, take your time.

First, deal with the cremation service. You do not need to have a memorial service right away. My MIL died Mar 1 and we had her service in May between their wedding anniversary and her birthday. I know people who have waited a couple of weeks or more. I just went to one at Church. The Urn sat inside a wreath of flowers. There was a viewing, a service and then a luncheon in the hall. You don't need a funeral director for something like that. My MIL was cremated, buried with FIL, minister said a few words and we all went to a friends home for a nice luncheon.

Then call the people to pick up the equipment. Maybe clean while ur there.

The Will u can do nothing about for a few days anyway. Where I live, it was 9 or 11 days before I could even probate. Since there was really no estate, I waited over a month.

Let your body adjust. Unlike a regular funeral, you can take ur time.

So sorry for your loss.

My mother passed away almost 3 weeks ago at 94. I was her primary caregiver for 13yrs that she lived with us. Yes, I too am wondering if my life will ever get back to normal. So many things in a person's life changes during caregiving. I am finding it's hard to regain the life I had before that. I know it will not happen overnight. Maybe I'm expecting it to happen right away. Little by little I'm chipping away at regaining my life back. Doing all the things I loved doing before caregiving. Excersize, gardening, decorating, lunch date with friends, grandkids, kids etc. Every day I wake up and say to myself, I'm going to do something positive today. I'm starting to rebuild relationships with family and friends, especially my grandchildren that I always had to say no to." I can't leave Nana home alone. " I missed many many years of watching them grow up. Now I can spend time with them. It's going to be a different life now for the better I hope. There are friends that I have a lot of catching up to do too. Yes we still have mother's business to take care of. We are not making that the focus in our lives now. We know what needs to be done and take a day here and there to finish her business. I know it can all be overwhelming. Sit back for a moment and collect your thoughts. Start a new chapter in your life. Your chapter as a caregiver for mom has ended. You are the main character now. Start your chapter by taking care of yourself and regaining your life back little by little.

Could be weeks, months, years. Every person is different. I lost my husband in the blink of an eye to a terrible accident. Now, almost 25 years later, I still have trouble sleeping because any mind goes back to that time at quiet moments like nights and driving alone on the open hiway. The grief is crushing at times.

My mom died of AD, and it was a blessing she passed. I feel sad about the last years of her life, but I don't dwell on it. she lived a long life and did a lot of things besides work.

My brother had AD too, but died relatively young at age 67. I feel bad that he never got to enjoy his retirement at all. That bothers me at times, and it's been 5 years.

THERE is no normal.

It took me a full year to recover from my DH's demise. Everyone handles grief differently. While I had trouble leaving my house, another widow has trouble staying in her house alone at night. I decided that I had it just a little better than my neighbor because staying alone at night wasn't an issue, I have a companion dog. My problem was panic attacks in the car if I was away from home too long.

Last week, 13 months after DH's demise, I called my sister and told her I was ready to go shopping with her and I had a blast! Thankfully, she recognized my need to deal with the loss and she told me to take all the time I needed and she came to visit me almost weekly. Just for a couple of hours.

Allow yourself the time you need to get back to "normal" - whatever normal is. When my mother passed and my father was going through this, I told him that Mom was everywhere in the house and furniture. I advised him to go ahead and talk with her - the mind will often do what is needed to give us serenity.

I went graveside and spoke with my mother asking her the questions that I could no longer ask in person, like, "why didn't you keep me informed of Pop's needs?" No, I didn't get an answer, but I did find a calmness I greatly needed to assist my father for the next 7.5 years.

The doctor wanted to put me on Zoloft but I refused. Instead I am using Ashwagandha and it has taken away the anxiety and stress and allows me to sleep. Talk to your doctor. Did you have HomeHealth or Hospice? If so, call them and they can help you too. I received letters periodically from them telling me to call if I needed to. If you are religious, ask God for Guidance, Patience and Serenity (I asked for my sanity) - it helped me a great deal and still does.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I will 🙏🙏🙏  pray for you.

Take a big breath and have a good cry if you need to. The end is always a shock
you will be okay and as you get things done you will feel better. Please get some help. Time heals. You will be okay and life will return to a more normal pace in time
blessings to you🙏🏻😊

Hi Mapotter - I feel you so much! I was my mom’s caregiver and she passed on June 7, 2019 at the age of 90. She would have been 91 in August. I’m an only child. I think what you are talking about is the BUSINESS end of dying and how overwhelming it is trying to tie up all the lose ends so that you can finally move forward - unencumbered and without those burdens on your shoulders. My mom has nothing saved or put aside no life insurance nothing. She finally decided to do the paperwork for assistance and I gathered everything she needed on Thursday, notified the caseworker and mom died at 6:12 am on Friday. So, I had to deal with the funeral expenses, now the nursing home expenses -she was only there a week but the cost is a burden nonetheless - then calling all the creditors and explaining she died and having to jump through their hoops - and them asking “well how are we going to get paid?” One person was so nasty I suggested that they take a trip to heaven and ask my mom. Honey, you won’t be able to get your new normal started right away, not until your ends are all tied up. But do be kind to yourself (if you can figure out how, let me know because I am struggling!with that). Since your siblings won’t help,
don’t wait for them to plan the memorial. Do it yourself, when it will be convenient for you. You deserve to have a life and to start to put yourself first without any guilt. You won’t be able to do that until you have honored your mother. I am the same way. I buried my mom last Tuesday and am still finding it difficult but the one thing I can say is that once I was able to honor my mother and put that to rest, I felt physically and spiritually lighter. Have a memorial befitting the type of person your mother was and do it soon - you will feel much better once that is settled. I wish for you a light heart. May your mother’s memory be eternal.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Reading what you wrote brings crocodile tears to my eyes. I know these feelings so well.

In three years you will feel slightly better and less emotional. You will be more appreciative of all the time that you spent together. You will feel glad that you made sacrifices. You will feel pain at times, wishing you could do even more for your mom, even though you did absolutely everything that you could possibly do at the time. In your heart you will know that you gave your best. You will end up immensely proud of the choices and sacrifices you made.

You will at times “ping pong” between intense emotions, feeling sad, grateful, lonely, proud, orphaned, relieved, guilty for feeling happy about something trivial, aching, appreciative, mournful. I never wanted to take any antidepressants to level out these feelings because I wanted to, head-on, experience the full grief for losing my best friend.

People may make nasty little remarks. They will sometimes claim to be making them in an attempt to “comfort” or educate you. These remarks might bother you more than they should. Your emotions are “raw.” Let them roll off your back. Even people on this support forum might write you sharp messages and accuse you of “showing off” when you mournfully and honestly express your love or pain, or simply write about your perspective.

It will take about six months to wake up and understand, in those first foggy moments, that your “to do list” is no longer struggling to keep your parent alive.

Get a jumbo box of tissues for your car, your bedside and your kitchen table. Get pocket-packs for your pockets. Allow yourself to cry as needed. Know that tears can come quickly and might be difficult to suppress. They can be triggered anywhere, by a song on the radio, passing by the hospital, seeing a stranger with your mother’s hair that you just want to touch.

You were exhausted from the fight but now feel somewhat directionless and empty. Keep your chin up (and when it sinks, bring it up again). Life will feel better in time.

Your memory will expand and grow and you will start to more often see your mom —-not as just elderly and growing increasingly more frail —- but you will remember her more frequently as that young strong mom that scooped you up with her hugs and helped you fix your problems. “Thanks alot,” you will say to yourself— I really need that comfort now and the only one who can truly give it to me is gone. But everything will somehow get a little better.

You gave so much love and support to your mom and now you don’t know where to allocate that love and support. It feels like there is this big, gaping hole. It is such an empty feeling.

You must give that love and support to yourself. You are going through a difficult patch so heap your gentle care on you. Don’t get mad at yourself about anything. Don’t give yourself deadlines or ultimatums. Take time to savor little things when you can and you enjoy and allow yourself to find peace.

The only way way to avoid sibling disappointment is to expect nothing from them. I am embarrassed to even write here about my siblings’ behavior. To sum it up, I had 20% incredible support, 40% no-show and 40% sucker punch (by the same siblings that had been sucker-punching my parents for more than 50 years, each—it probably should have come as no surprise, but somehow it did).

I planned both of my parents funerals alone. (Not by choice). In actuality, my parents would have wanted it that way. I wrote glorious, obituaries that properly honored their lives and then fielded sibling complaints (about the publication cost) from those who visited my parents least.

Distance yourself from those that hurt you. Cut your losses. Spend your time doing things you like, with people you like, when you like.

Do not adopt any new “vices” to comfort yourself. Overspending, overeating, drinking excessively etc., will just cause you more pain and work in the long run.

My faith in God has gotten me through many stresses in life. Pray to God to help you through this very difficult time. I know it is overwhelming but you will get through this I love this song "One day at a time sweet Jesus that's all I'm asking of you just give me today show me the way one day at a time". God bless you for caring for your mother. I would first concentrate on the service, the quicker the better. Notify the funeral director. He should be able to assist you at your home and direct you. Notify all immediate family and find a time to do all this together. One person has to take control and it sounds like it might be you but hopefully your family will open their hearts and help out.. My church helped me when my father passed away. My family helped picked out the music, scripture readings, flowers, etc. I was so grateful we had some guidance from our church. I was devastated my father passed so soon. Allow yourself to grieve, it will take time but time is healing. I am so sorry for your loss of your mother. I wish you many blessings and pray you will find peace and joy in your future life.

Dear MaPotter,
I'm very I'm very sorry for your loss of your mother and of yourself. I don't think you get to go back but you will come out the other side. A little battered and bruised maybe, but let's call it new and improved.

Your story could be my story, they are so very similar. I am the youngest of four siblings and was the live in caregiver for my mom until she passed 15 months ago at the age of 87.

The last few years with Mom were intense. The stress and frustration and lack of sleep we're piling up on me and the lack of help was heartbreaking. I also worked full-time and my department was short-staffed by almost half adding more pressure to my daily life. I was happy and proud to help and be with my mom but after 5 years without a break or a day off I was well on my way to a breakdown. The more I asked for help the more I was ignored.


After mom had passed I clearly stated that I had taken care of the life side of things I did not want the responsibility of the death side. That I was mentally burnt out and emotionally incapable of handling the task. Oh yes my siblings nodded in agreement. but they dumped the executors duties in my lap anyways and carried on with their own lives. No phone call to see how I'm doing or if I need help. I told them I now suffer with severe anxiety and need the estate to be handled fairly quickly so I can focus on recovery. There is no way I can do this on my own but if we work together it would be manageable and perhaps less emotionally-charged. I too, was told to relax, there's no rush, there's lots of time Etc.

??? Did you not hear me when I said I needed it to be done for my own health and Sanity???
I'm yelling help me! I'm desperate! And they just turn and walk away. They say they are not going to talk to me if I'm screaming. Yes! I am screaming because five years of asking, verbal and written, didn't work and I am now desperate. One of them actually asked me to define desperate. WTF?

Fast forward to one day after the first year anniversary of moms death and I find out through third party channels, not even a family member, that the house is being put up for sale. ????? Three months later they still have not send a word about it to my face.

There are there too many more awful details to get into here but my responsibilities, stress, anxiety, and depression have multiplied instead of lessened, so much so, that I really have not been able to grieve. I still reside in my mother's home where I cared for her, surrounded by all her things. I went through Mother's Day and her birthday, where I normally did the family gathering, alone. It's been quite devastating.

I finally had the break down I so richly deserve and I am in the process of going on short-term disability from work. Which ironically , creates more anxiety . My doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication. I no longer open up to my sisters about anything personal. If that's who they are, so be it.

There is no coming back from this, at least for me. I have learned many a lesson from this experience, good, bad, and ugly. I will never be the person I was before . In this moment, right now, I don't always like the person I've become. I keep telling myself that life always changes, this too shall pass. I'm going to do my best, get done what needs to be done, remove the obstacles from my path so I can focus on my future for a change. I know there is a new me and a new normal down the road. When? I don't know. But she's there, and she's waiting for me.

I wish you the best.
One day at a time.
Remember to breathe.
You can do this.
Hugs.

My mom was caregiver to my Gram for 7 years in my mom's home and Gram just missed making it to 99. Mom took a year off to grieve and adjust. My sister was the Executor and it took her the better part of a year to close up all Gram's life business. It took my mom an additional year to get her home in order and move closer to me. Now, I'm providing "overwatch," making sure Mom's taken care of while maintaining her independence. Alzheimer's disease runs in the family.

It is normal to feel at loose ends; your usual life of caring for another has changed dramatically. It would be nice for the rest of the family to pitch in, but this rarely happens in the best of families. The priority is probably the memorial service and the will. . Everything else can "wait" until you are ready to deal with it. Talking with others about this is helpful. Check out GriefShare and other groups for those coping with loss of loved ones.

I just lost my Mom May 1st. She had just turned 90 in April. I feel your pain as I am grieving myself. However, I am not new to grief. I lost my brother in 1996 at 40 and my Dad in 2011 at 83. It has all been very difficult. My MIL passed at 78 May 2018.

All these losses have changed me forever. Losing my Mom as the end of my entire immediate family has been especially hard.

I highly recommend reading and support groups. The best book I have read is “Permission to Mourn.” It has helped me a great deal.

Take care and I am sorry for your loss.

I am four years away from 24/7 caregiving. Two years away from mom's death.

Normal? What is normal? I will never be the normal I was before caregiving. I barely remember anything about that.

I have a new normal that I actually enjoy. The caregiving was 24/7 worrying, wondering, responding to what mom's next need or assist would be. It is overwhelming and exhausting and very demanding. My new normal is spending lots of time with just me. Go to work, come home to just me and the cat. I am enjoying the quiet and inactivity Go to local coffee shop on Saturday morning. Come home, putter, read, nap, check this website. Occasionally go to some sort of event. That is about it and that is fine with me.

Heck this is very new for you, stop being hard on yourself. Take your time. When you are ready, you are ready. You are in recovery. Relax.

DO take a little time off. Give yourself a large dose of patience - you have a ways to go. Allow yourself to do things at your own pace. There is a reason that Executors are normally allowed a payment of some kind. On the day your Mom transitioned - some things remained the same. I wish I could tell you it will all be completed soon. You are doing the best you can.

If this is your first experience of grief it’s understandable that you are feeling lost and uncertain. Although it may sound trite, time is the best healer. You will always miss her yet one day you will begin to remember the good times rather than the difficult. I lost my Dad when I was 12 and a brother at 16, so have lived with loss all my life. My mum is 92 and I know I will lose her one day as well. I will grieve for her terribly yet I have the knowledge that it will get easier over time, until I can think of her without the heartache, but with the joyful memories of our love for each other. Don’t rush to get everything done. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes your way. I’m so sorry for you loss.

I think a lot of us took on the role of caregiver at a time in our lives when change is inevitable even without the extra burden. I don't know about you but I can't believe how much my body has failed in little ways over the last decade; the eyes, the joints, the weight gain after menopause, the noticeable decrease in strength and endurance despite everything I do to combat it. Our roles at work, as parents, with life partners will all have been changed by time while we focused our energies elsewhere. When you add in witnessing the cold reality of what aging, decline and death really, really look like, followed by often complicated grief, it is no wonder many of us struggle to get back to "normal". I don't think there is any way back, we need to strive to find our place in something new.

I am sorry for your loss of your loved one. Three and a half years, and I am STILL waiting to feel better overall. I had a rough time caring for my mom in my own home, bedridden with multiple health problems on hospice for over 2 years and had care giving 17 before that. At least she wasn't in any pain. After my mom passed away I threw myself into taking care of her affairs, still had a home and business to sell. During her care giving I had gone blind in one eye, (had a successful operation to mostly restore vision in that eye), hubby had a heart operation too. Lots of trauma. I had plans to travel eventually, move to another home etc.
Then after a year where I barely got back on my feet, my SIL who lived with 89 yr. old MIL died, sending us back down the path of impending care giving. I am still waiting to really feel free to enjoy my life. Have friends rubbing it in about their great lives after care giving. More things went wrong but I won't get into that.
Everyone is different with different circumstances. I find myself wondering if I had ever properly grieved instead of jumping into handling the many things that demanded my immediate attention back then. I had hopes and dreams that I am losing faith in ever seeing having been thrown right back into it. You went through a lot and are probably feeling overwhelmed. Take your time and grieve. Tackle one thing at a time instead of seeing all of it before you at once. Take care of yourself too.

You never get over the loss of a loved one--however, you learn to adapt. This is easy to say, but hard to do. My mom is almost 90 and she will be lucky if she makes it to 90, so I have to face her death in the near future due to very end-stage of Alzheimer's disease (she was symptomatic for 10 years, the last five severe). As for "getting back to normal" things will never be the same. If you have to earn a living because the bills keep on coming, you will have to go back to the work force. The necessities of living help keep one going. It's an old saying that holds true--LIFE GOES ON. The cats have to be fed, litter boxes changed, lawn mowed...on and on and on.

Perhaps remembering nobody will leave this earth alive is cold comfort, and as long as you did everything expected of you as her child, eventually all of the mourning, crying, depression, anger, etc., will be replaced with peace knowing you did everything you could for her; she is in a much better place than we are. We could be facing nuclear war soon--she is spared of that.

The main stress if you did not preplan a funeral or cremation, you will have to go through that. Perhaps too your own siblings will create another nightmare if they start bickering about the estate. I preplanned mom's death years ago and seen an eldercare attorney for estate planning, and nothing will go into probate. I mean nothing. She has some ambulance bills which Medicare has refused to pay for unknown reasons, despite appeals (she had to go to the Emergency Room due to a urinary tract infection which she was unable to move). I think the EMS personnel charted wrong and gave the impression she was "stable" which she was far from that. I mean if you can't get up and had to go to the Emergency Room a person is not stable. So those idiots will not get a dime. Those are mom's medical bills and they will die with her--since nothing will go into probate they can't sue a dead person, even though I am POA..they are still HER bills and my POA no longer applies the moment she dies. Further, no executor was named.

Holidays can be very painful so I do not celebrate Christmas. Remember it's just another day and people die on that day just as any other. Just keep on with the business of living.

I know one thing--me being mom's caregiver for 20 years I will have to rediscover myself. I do not know how to think without mom being the center of my life. Seriously. Her Alzheimer's is so severe she cannot eat, drink, get up, or even use the bathroom without my help and it's often backbreaking work..but she has become my entire being since her care is so intense and backbreaking.

Did you know I never been separated from my mom. I never married. I never lived on my own. So you can imagine how crippled I will be when mom dies.

I am sorry for your loss. My therapist says it takes awhile for caregivers to recover from the caregiving stress and then grief over loss of loved ones. No timetable because everyone’s situation is different. One thing for sure: recovery will not be immediate. But it will happen. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry for you loss Mapoter. Like you I lost Mom (in March) and the normal has yet to return. Granted you're at the beginning of this new journey where numerous phone calls must be made etc but keep in mind not only have you lost your mom, you've lost your job as her caregiver. This is something I didn't anticipate, the empty hours now that she's gone. It's funny, I expected the same relief yet I'm very much at loose ends still.

Well meaning people who tell you to take your time are trying to be helpful but only you can decide the pace at which you want to go. Personally I was inclined to gather all of her personal effects and over the course of a week sift thru them. (keeping in mind I needed to remove them from the LTC)

As I keep telling my Dad, this is a marathon not a sprint so be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feelings. We're thinking of you and sending best wishes.

It's been a little over four years for me and I can honestly say that every day I am rediscovering who I am. I won't ever be the same. I look at the world differently and I guess with every momentous thing that happens in a person's life they are permanently changed.

I think I know now that there is no such thing as normal. And that has to be okay I guess.

I think any time you sacrifice for someone you become a greater version of yourself even if it may not seem so right now.

There is now a new ‘normal’, and that includes a lot of memories and also a lot of work. In many cases, as in yours, there are more memories being made right now of things not working out well in the family, bringing new miseries. Have courage. You need to live through this stage, because there can be better things ahead. Best wishes, Margaret

I’m two years, nine months and twenty days... and still counting.

It changes as time goes along - morphing from one thing into something else.

I’m better than I was, but not as good as I use to be - before it all.

I think its fair to say you’ll never be the person you use to be. How could you? The experience from beginning to end changes you. Into something different. But with time and effort I do believe it can be just that - not less than, hopefully better than - with wisdom and lessons learned. But definitely different.

Mapotter, I'm so sorry for your loss!

Give yourself some time. Your grief is very new and that alone can be overwhelming. There are tasks to be done that have to do with the loose ends (the hospital bed, cremation); those can be useful "distractors" from the grief.

If you delegate tasks to your siblings, let them do it their way.

Are you the executrix of the will?

It takes time to get back to any semblance of "normal". Please be gentle with yourself and remember that we're here. (((((Hugs))))))).