How do you repair sibling relationships fractured by caregiving?

Reading through all the responses and I truly appreciate all of you for taking the time. But I'm sad this is such a huge issue for many of us!

Thank you for asking this important question which I was going to ask myself :-)).

My brother and his wife are overseas and DB used that as an excuse to not help in caring for mom . He was nowhere to be found when mom started getting forgetful in India (our home country) and I was scrambling to figure out a care plan for her. Mom was to spend her old age in India with me and maybe DB visiting her there. Moving her in with me here was mostly definitely not the plan. DB would ghost me and not reply to my frantic emails and calls as mom started wandering out of her house there. No relatives or friends would supervise her care in India. So I had to bring mom here. After much grovelling and begging, DB finally started sending some money for mom's expenses here (she doesn't get Medicare because she has not worked here).

Now mom's on hospice at my home, getting weaker by the day and has no need of brother caring for her, he's suddenly texting and calling frequently. I want to scream at this hypocrisy and break off all contact with him. I used to think that when mom passed, DB and I have no contact. But his sudden interest in family ties has totally perplexed me. Yet when I asked him to visit mom one last time, he is not replying to that. I'm somehow polite in my texts back to him and manage to have a civil conversation when he calls and do not bring up past issues.
I'm worried that if I see him in person, we will have a showdown.

Dad may not even realize he creates issues by complaining to others. Some will say it's mean spirited manipulation, but I think it's more of a way to include more people in the inner circle with the appearance of manipulating. Self preservation, maybe? If just one person comes to help him out, or visit, it's one more person from the family that he wants to see.

It's very difficult, but you have to resign yourself to the fact that you are the caregiver "because".... you don't have it in you to take him to a NH, it's part of your very soul to do the job, it's what I call doing what your heart will allow you to live with. I don't do anything that I know will give me heartache down the road.

I knew that I would never have been able to put my parent in a facility. Never. Some of my siblings worked and some were retired like me when it came time caregiving was needed. Yes, there was frustration about needing more time for myself. Can't deny that. Some days I really had to work on myself to not be angry. Sometimes even more so when they were going here/there on time off to enjoy their time. BUT... caregiving was my choice and I just had to accept what crumbs were offered and let it go. There were many times I didn't get help, got angry/frustrated and wanted to just make that phone call where you tell them all to go to XXXX. My parents were both very family oriented and instilled strong sibling bonds - I wasn't willing to lose my siblings over the situation I was in. It's hard, really hard, but can be done.

Call your sister and ask her to come and spend some time with you/dad. Remotely she can't see the changes in him. If she parrots his words, laugh it off to her: He's a little cantankerous at times and I get tired some days, but we get by. He really wants to see you in person, he misses you. Why not come and visit with us? It will do him some good. Later on, WRITE a thank you for the gift and express your wish for her to come and visit for a week or so...you'd both love to see her and spend real time with her.

DoingMyBest73: For so many of us, this is a common issue, e.g. the caregiver gets treated like the proverbial 'chopped liver,' often by the elderly parent themselves. Our mother's boss stated "J (my brother) only shows up for the party." I'm sorry that I have no 'magic fix' for your post. Since your father unfortunately suffers from dementia, perhaps he is not aware that he states hurtful things about you to his other adult child.

I have come to realize my sister is a sneak and I can No Longer trust her nor do I want a relationship with her either . She is highly Manipulative , selfish and mean and says Mean Things so what's the Point ? Once My Dad Passes I doubt we will have any Interaction . If someone is just Using you that is Not a friend. She has Lied to the Police , called my social workers and Lied and Lied to APS and thought it was funny . She says mean Things Like " Dad doesnt really care about you " Well I am dealing with a sociopath and Just because she is a sibling does not mean I have to be her friend . My brother is useless and I have cut him off - he hasn't seen me for 20 years or My father for 30 years . I would rather be alone then be in an Abusive relationship with a sibling .

So you are caretaking for your shared parent and your sister hasn’t called you to say “hello and thanks” and “I love you” and see if she can pitch in ….IN A YEAR? (Shame on her).

People naturally drift apart. Shared childhood memories bind us together but a close sisterhood is like a great marriage. It takes work, dedication, cultivation and care. Like a marriage, a sister relationship can shatter when destroyed by cruelty, neglect or abandonment. Or it can become abusive when there is an imbalance of respect or lack of emotional support. Or, as may also be the case for you, drift apart so distantly that it’s not worth meaningfully and permanently reuniting.

Your dad will naturally evolve into a younger, more child-like self as he ages. Good parent or not, his behavior of “telling on you” is a coping mechanism. It isn’t nice of him and I understand why you feel sad about it. If he is hurting and needs to talk about it, though, this behavior may be healthier than internalizing everything and lashing out at you. Don’t blame him for working out his frustrations through conversation. Don’t blame yourself for having occasional verbal conflicts with him or appearing “mean” once in a while. That is normal too and unavoidable, even in a loving caretaking relationship.

The person in the wrong here is your sister. She barely comes around, but manages to judge your hard work from states away. She should intercept your dad’s complaints instead of pummeling you with them again. Her parroting back the remarks doubles your pain and lack of appreciation for caretaking. Her actions demonstrate that she has picked a side and it isn’t yours. Anyone in your position would feel badly.

You feel the need to gain her approval and her gifts are like once-annual dog treats. She is doing less than the bare minimum, yet you see it as some kind of prize. This is a relationship you might not be need in your life if it is unhealthy for you.

Her behavior may make you feel as though you are coming in “second place” in a race where you were the only runner.

A better sister would listen to dad and diffuse the situation to help you. She would protect you from hurt by not repeating the harsh words. She would call you up and instead of opening wounds and saying “Dad says blah blah blah…,” she might say, “Thank you so much for all you to take care of Dad, I’m so grateful.., I know it must not be easy.” She would send you appreciation more than once a year and she might even take a turn caretaking so you could have a much-needed break.

You say she used to be kind to your daughter but isn’t now? Because she is mad at you? How would she find a reason to hold a grudge against your daughter? Again, this is on her.

It’s easy to be a great friend in the good times. The true friends, however are the ones who are there (maybe even more often) when times are tough.

Do not be manipulated by her token on your birthday. She is not acting as a true friend. Go buy yourself a gift from yourself. Spend your time and energy with those who are there for you when you need them and stop begging for her to throw you a bone. Try to stop longing so deeply for a relationship that may have been a one-sided figment of your imagination in the first place.

Please do not take this as criticism. I was in your shoes once and with time and experience can see differently.

I spent years waiting by the mailbox for my sister’s ridiculous gift of fancy hand soap. When she skipped a gift on a special occasion, I cried. What did I do wrong? (My answer is … my mistake was misplacing my hero worship on someone who did not deserve it).

Sometimes you can't repair sibling relationships fractured by caregiving. Sometimes you can.

My experience was like some others here - my sister criticized but didn't help. Although I had been open to a relationship with her up to then, the negativity and lack of support while I was caregiving convinced me that I didn't need her in my life - in fact I didn't want her in my life.

When I looked back I realized that there really never had been a healthy relationship between us. I cut contact with her and have never regretted it - in fact have only more and more realized that was for the best for me. We can't choose our family, but we can choose or friends. When family do not act as friends, we can limit the damage.

Does she know how you feel?
When she goes into the "Dad said xxx" ?

I imagine it would be easy to fall into a defensive protective mode ("but I do xxx and he didn't tell you about xxx I did / do).

It sounds to me that:
* She doesn't understand how you feel.
- Have a heart-to-heart providing "I" statements (I feel xxx). Not 'you this and you' that (she'll be on the defensive).

* Help her learn how to express herself in a way that you can hear it and that isn't loaded with judgments / false accusations. She may be very unaware of how she is talking to you; unaware that what Dad says to her may not be true ... she is on automatic.

Try: Could I share with you HOW I could hear you BETTER when you talk to me about dad? Then give her an example.

She either doesn't know how to talk to you, is oblivious how she is thinking / talking to you, or frankly, doesn't care (passive aggressive / hostility?)

Use "I statements"

I would emphasize that you want a 'good' relationship with her again (I wonder if she realizes that the relationship isn't as it used to be (better)? If you tell her this, hopefully she'll soften up a bit and not be defensive.

Reflective listening is good. After you say something, ask her what she heard you say. It is not unusual for her to 'hear' through her psychological / emotional filters. We all do that. So, this is a good check to ensure she is listening and gets it.

I'd let her know that you feel hurt "I" feel xxx.

Whatever or however you proceed, protect yourself. If it isn't going well, stop and try another time. You do not want to end up arguing or the 'she said he said" which never resolves anything.

IF she is willing to talk / listen, THANK her.

It sounds to me like there is (some / a lot) of family dynamics / history here - which isn't 'in your favor.' And, yet, you are the one doing the primary care giving. Huh?

I feel for you. Gena / Touch Matters

The fact that she acknowledged your birthday is a positive sign that she values and misses your relationship. Reassure her that you always have your dad's best interest at heart and welcome her input. You can ask her what is the best way for her to be involved in decision making so she understands what the concern is and problem solve how to address it. It is important and make life easier if you and sibling presented a united front. If she is in denial, perhaps the social worker or case manager can assist her in understanding why this was the best option. I have also learned that my mom's input is also important. I may not be able to comply with all of her requests but it is important to hear what she has to say so she feels her opinions matter. It may be helpful to have an objective third party like a professional explain how your dad's behavior is a symptom of his illness and may just be a means to get his demands met. Perhaps your daughter can reach out to her aunt and let her know how much she and relationship is missed. You could also reach out to your nephews for a check in. Your sibling may mirror your actions. It is important to talk about other things other than your dad so you are not consumed by caretaking role. Explore what your sister feels comfortable contributing to the process. Thank you so much for your transparency. Your post helped me to feel less alone in my struggle with my sibling.