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I have been struggling with this issue for awhile now, and wondered how others handle this very touchy situation. My mom has moderate dementia, is physically able to do most things, however, driving her car could be dangerous to herself and others..I am afraid I have been a chicken about approaching this, so in March, even though I knew her tags were expiring, I did nothing about it. In April, her drivers license expired but I did not tell her. Her car has been garaged here all winter and because it is a sports car, she has not even started it since September. The last time she drove she got lost 6 blocks from the house, and I had to go find her and have her follow me home. Now that it is spring, she wants to get her car out, and the other day, she tried to start it (I was not home) and the battery is dead. This is an old BMW Z3 that is in bad shape. She has tape around the rear view mirrors to hold them up, and tape on the rear right tail light! She thinks she is such a good driver and is proud of this car...wow....She wants me to try and get the battery out and have it replaced...I have talked to her doctor about this and he has not really been very helpful..The last thing I need is for her to drive and hurt herself, or worse..someone else. Can anyone help me figure out how I am going to approach this? I am the primary caregiver with no other siblings (my brother died 3 years ago) so I know it is up to me. She is going to really throw a huge fit over this, I know. She is seriously beyond reasoning this out....Help.....

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Most states have a procedure where you can report an impaired driver anonymously. The DMV will call your mother in for cognitive and driving tests. If she cannot pass, her license will be terminated.
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I had this issue with my Mother... and I know it is hard! Sadly my Mother was really NEVER a good driver and with age it got worse. She was damaging the car and also getting lost. My sister's car died and so we loaned Mother's car to her and it never came back... AARP offers a drivers safety class that is very good. Something to think about!
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Kerrikans, not sure what state you live in, but my folks are in Michigan. When Dad's dementia got to the point that, while he may have been able to drive physically, mentally it would have been too dangerous, as he wasn't quite sure where he was a lot of the time. He was extremely resistant to this news. He was told at the end of a short stay in a rehab center. He insisted that we were wrong. So we talked to his doctor who ALSO told him. He argued with the doc, but was more accepting when it came from the doc. The doc told us that in Michigan they have centers where they will test formerly impaired or elderly drivers using a simulator. He told Dad that if his medical condition improved (which we all know it won't) that he could go to the testing center in their area and have the full battery of tests - written, simulator and road tests. If the STATE passed him on all of these and gave him a license, then OK. The doc also gave us a letter to give to the state, just in case Dad decided he wanted to go that route. The letter said that no way should Dad be driving because of his impaired reflexes and dementia. But that way the STATE could say no.

Then we had the issue of the car, because as long as the car was sitting in the garage, Dad kept wanting to drive. We took the keys, but we continued to get the arguments. Finally, after about a year when Dad calmed down and began to accept that he would not be driving anymore, we talked to him about how it was a bad idea financially to pay for insurance on a car that nobody drove. The battery was dead, so the car didn't run, but it was time to get rid of the car. It was a 20-year-old car and all beat up, so selling it wasn't going to be easy. Instead I asked at the Senior Resource Center and they told me about a local charity that accepts donated cars. They have mechanics who volunteer their time to fix the cars and then they are either sold to raise $$ for the charity, or else they are given to local people who are in need of transportation. Dad would get a small tax deduction for the donation, they came and towed the car for us, and we didn't have to worry about that anymore.

Almost a year has passed since the car left. Dad still gets ornery about not being able to drive, but at least we don't have to worry about him going out and taking the car without our knowledge. Taking away the keys is one of the hardest things the elderly have to deal with. Just like a teenager GETTING the keys for the first time, the car keys represent independence. Having them taken away represents a new phase of dependence. Dad hasn't been the same since.
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Take the keys, take the keys, take the keys. She will never totally "accept" that she can't drive anymore. My mom's doc and her neurologist told her no. I drive her daily (yes, daily) for the past 3 years. She still can't get over it but fusses much less now. You have to do what you have to do and try to have several others with you when you tell her calmly that she just is not safe to drive anymore.
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This is not hard to accomplish if you are willing to deal with her anger. In March 2012, my Mom got in her car to drive to a doctor appointment. It was 6am and her appointment was at 2pm! I drove her to the ER instead. It took the local police to talk her into getting out of the car, but she finally went in (while cussing me up and down about it -- even to this day). I told them what was happening and my fear of her driving. They told her they wanted her to see a psychiatrist and neurologist. I took all her keys and hid them. After she saw the neurologist (actually 3), they notified DMV. She was going to fight it, but she couldn't remember the answers (and her caregiver would be here twice a week and spend 90 minutes going over it). She finally gave in. But when I took her to the DMV to get an ID card, she freaked out, got in my face & started screaming at me. Some AH called Adult Protective Services saying we were physically fighting outside the DMV (which never happened). I have a locking file cabinet, and she no longer has access to the car (which I lock, even in the garage), or mail (because she has a "spend, spend, spend mentality now). She is surly, difficult, outright hateful sometimes, but she is my Mom. And I will do everything I can to make sure she is safe and not taken advantage of. No matter how much it pisses her off. LOL.
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I think this is something so many of us have faced, including me.

It's a shame that her Dr. isn't very helpful. I depended upon my dad's Dr. to be the bad guy in advising that my dad not drive anymore. I called the Dr.'s office prior to my dad's appointment (is was with his cardiologist) and told them that I could use their help in getting my dad off the roads. So it was my dad's Dr. who told him that he needed to give up driving. I used to use my dad's Dr.'s for all kinds of things!

It was very hard on my dad, as it is on anyone. He became down. I tried to get him out of the house as much as I could but it wasn't the same for him. We went back and forth for weeks on the issue and each time I tried to stay calm and imagine myself if my dad's shoes. How would I feel?

My suggestion would be to get the Dr. in on this but if you've tried that and it hasn't worked is there another Dr. you could enlist the help of? Is there someone your mom respects, someone she'd listen to? A minister? A friend?

Getting our loved ones to stop driving is a process. At least that was my experience. When my mom was alive we all suggested she stop driving. She had had cancer, had a lung removed, and was in a deep depression and staying in bed all day. We begged her to give up driving but she refused. One day she was meeting someone at the movies and had an accident. It was her fault and she was sued. It was a mess. And I think it damaged her more than just giving up her keys would have. I also used this experience when I tried to get my dad to stop driving.

When my dad finally did stop driving it was very difficult on him emotionally. I told him that I would take him anywhere he wanted to go but that wasn't the point. It never did get easier for him and while he did give up his keys he never really bounced back 100% from that.

Kerrikans, just start a dialogue with your mom. Remember, it's not going to happen in one day. You might have to go over it a number of times. With a dead battery and an expired license she's not going to peel out of the driveway today so you have a little time. I'm not sure if our elderly loved ones can be talked into not driving anymore. It's a milestone of old age, giving up driving, and most elderly folks would rather saw their arm off than do it. It's very symbolic of where they are in their life and most dig in their heels. You need reinforcements or this will just become an ongoing argument between the two of you.

Doesn't the license bureau offer classes to seniors to see if they are still able to drive or am I making that up? For some reason that's ringing a bell and it just now popped into my brain. Hmmm.....
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So she throws a fit. Better a fit than for her to endanger herself and kill someone else. I just told my 87 to-be husband he was not driving anymore and he said, "good". (He got lost going to the VA, they called wondering where he was and he showed up 1 hr. later. I had called police too.) Make up excuses why you cannot buy another battery, just keep making up excuses and pretty soon she will forget about the car. Have it towed if it really becomes a problem, donate it, anything to get her mind off the car. Out of sight, out of mind. Since you are the caregiver, YOU make the rules. End of discussion.
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I had the same issue with my mom, also at age 83. She was getting lost, finding herself across town from where she had intended to go. She also had a couple of parking lot fender benders, which she swore were not her fault. I asked her doctor for help with this and he suggested that we get her a GPS! She was not able to operate an ATM machine or a DVD player, but he thought it was a good idea to distract her while she was driving with a GPS?? A couple of months later, a grandaughter needed a dependable car to drive to college so we appealed to Mom to help the grandaughter out by giving her a good deal on the car. She agreed, I think because she saw this as a good deed rather than giving up something.

I don't know much about cars, but if this one is kind of a classic, maybe you could find a family member, friend, or even a teen-age car buff who would like a project. This person could offer profuse thanks to mom and offer to take her for a ride after the car is restored. Since most of these projects take months or years to complete, she will probably forget about the car before it is finished.
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Hi ,
I have been here and done that. You have a few things in your favor. If the car is dead it should be pronounced unfixable. Someone can look at it and just say it is a gonner. If her license is expired than DMV can help by requiring an MD exam and an OK to drive via a driving test. You can actually call them and give them that heads up. We were lucky -my Mom went to the pharmacy one morning got a little lost and actually pulled over to ask a police officer how to get home. He suspected that something wasn't right and called me (I had my number in her glove box) and I asked him to pull her license. She refused to go for the exam etc and she hasn't driven since. She still asks about driving but we just tell her the police took her license. She will be angry but some of what your going to have to do will make her angry. They do forget about it pretty quick. Its not easy but its better than someone getting hurt or worse. Good luck-know your not alone.
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I, too, am struggling with this problem. Two doctors and his case manager have told him he shouldn't be driving. Even told him the neuro-psychological tests prove he shouldn't be driving. He, like your Mom, can do most physical things for himself: shower, shave, toilet, eat, dress although his walking ability is severely compromised...mostly, I think, from sitting around since he won't exercise, not even a walk. What he can't do is think straight, reason, make sound judgments, remember anything for more than a minute, follow directions. I know he'd get lost if I let him go on his own. We have tried to tell him the dire consequences if he has an accident...even if no one is hurt...I would be the one in trouble because I let him behind the wheel. I would not be able to get insurance, We could lose everything! He says, as with everything else I say about him and his condition, is that I am exaggerating; blowing everything out of proportion; making a mountain out of a mole hill....you get the picture. My husband is scheduled for a "driving test" with another neuro-psychologist next week. Since this is purely a paper and pencil and computer test (he only has to push 2 arrow keys, thank goodness because he never learned to use a computer), I am sure he will fail BUT because it isn't a behind the wheel test, he is not going to accept the results. I can only hope they notify the DMV and they contact him and tell him he can't drive anymore. No matter what happens, it will be my fault; I will be to blame, and my current "hell on earth" life is only going to get worse. I hope and pray you have better luck than I.
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