I always knew I would not be able to be a caregiver to my mother. She is demanding and difficult. I helped her and my father with paperwork and errands and when my dad was dying from cancer and she did not want a nurse in her home I took him to my home and had nurse come in there. He passed away in my home not his. They lived across the street from my brother and his wife and I live 5 miles from them. I told my brother and his wife that I would not be able to handle her even before she fell and broke her hip. When that happened instead of her going to rehabilitation my brother and his wife took her home to their home across the street from my mothers home. She reluctantly agreed. My brother and his wife assumed I would be all in to sharing this responsibility. My mother did not want anyone coming to help in her home either. I let my brother know I had my own health issues and could not without loosing my mind deal with her. We would end up hating each other. I wanted to preserve the relationship we had. I had told his wife before that she should go to assisted living but she did not want that. My brother questioned compensation for his wife to care for her, I agreed with her being compensated for the caregiving. I would prefer her to be in assisted living but my brother does not want that(actually I believe that is his wife). Our parents always said they didn’t want their kids to be changing their diapers. My dad went pretty fast and it never really got to that. My mother has been with them almost 5 years now and they are being compensated from her savings she is about to turn 99. She is in late stage dementia and is in diapers and my sister in law doesn’t want any nursing help in her home. I feel she needs to be in nursing care. They will call me in to watch her if they have to be out where they can’t take her. She is now becoming fecal incontience. I do not want to do this with her, she needs a nurse. My mothers house sits empty across the street and it could be sold to pay for her nursing care but my brother and his wife insist on roughing it themselves. I don’t care about inheritance, let the money be spent to have the help from outside. I have helped but I feel it is time for additional help that I don’t have to provide. I have let them know my feelings about this and they continue to call on me for help. I want to see my mother as a nice visit not changing her soiled diapers. Is this selfish of me, I have so many conflicting feelings and it is taking a toll on my mental health. I have tried to tell my brother who now has diabetes that this is taking its toll on him also. I want to say no more but I feel like a louse.
Your (sick) brother and (incomprehensible) sister are not “…roughing it for themselves…”. They are doing what they are doing and using you to justify the fact that this arrangement works, when it doesn’t work for you nor probably for your mother, nor for your brother.
whatever you do or don’t do or say or don’t say, you are not a louse, and there may be NO louse here, but there are three stubborn people who are trying to address a problem by doing nothing.
What is the best way to take care of yourself? Will you be able to lose your relationship with your brother?
Yes, stress is bad for diabetics. I think it ups sugar levels. Tell SIL time to take care of her husband. And you have told your brother and SIL what you will and won't do for Mom and it seems to fall on deaf ears. The one thing my daughter liked about the book Boundries was...
When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction u get.
Be a broken record.
I care for you all.
But I can't be 'the help'.
Please make other arrangements.
I bet there are a million people who feel your pain. It’s so difficult to be in your situation.
I commend you for knowing your limitations! Many people don’t and push themselves way past their limits.
Stay true to who you are. You’re honest and authentic. Please don’t compromise this for anyone or anything.
I would have loved to be as secure as you are now. I made plenty of mistakes due to being overwhelmed and confused due to certain circumstances that I was dealing with.
You are an incredibly smart woman. Please don’t view yourself as a louse.
Best wishes to you.
If you are willing, you can visit Mom as well while the hired help is there, and can step out of the room when the hired help gives mom care ?
Just an idea, but you are not required. If your brother and his wife still refuse to hire help, that's not anything for you to feel bad about.
There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. You can read a portion of it online to see if it’s helpful.
You need a little help with standing by your guns and requesting the respect of your family.
Your SIL has a boundary, no hired help in her house. Your brother has a boundary, he doesn’t want to pay taxes. Your mom had a boundary for your dad, no hired help in her house.
You took your father in when her boundaries were held and you cared for him. You are not a louse.
You told them up front years ago that you could not do what they are asking you to do.
Do you keep telling them what to do? Do you keep asking them to go against their boundaries? You deserve the respect of your family. Tell your brother and his wife they have done the heavy lifting for the last five years. Tell them you will take over, move ML where you think is best and give her the care she needs.
You are the same as them, not less than them, in that you have boundaries. Your health depends on you standing up for yourself.
One other thought is that your mother could be taken back to her own home and help be hired. Hospice can be called in.
SIL could walk across the street. The strangers would not be in her home, they would be in MIL home and you could visit your mom in her final days as her daughter and not as a care giver.
Please don’t feel wrong for taking care of yourself.
(1)
Everyone is different, but this is what I do when I feel I haven’t done something right: I correct it right away. If necessary, I say sorry to the other person; whatever it takes. I don’t like not having a clear conscience. I like to have things cleared up in my life. I don’t like to have anything nagging in the back of my mind.
(2)
If I feel I have done everything I could do, then I have a clear conscience: in other words, there’s no need for me to say sorry. I haven’t done anything wrong.
OP, trust your gut. Do what you feel is the right thing towards yourself, brother, his wife, your mom. Follow your gut. All their lives matter. Your life matters, too.