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I feel for you, and am in the same boat. I, however, resent being called a martyr and a whiner because I choose to care for mom. My mom not only raised us, but she was here for us throughout our lives, and even provided free home daycare for my brother’s children. I’m not trying to “apply for sainthood”. I’m just trying to do what I feel is right by mom. My brother will never step up (until money is being disbursed). My solution has been to hire in home caregivers. I absolutely had to do it. I hope you can find the help you need, and I wish you all the best.

PS. Sometimes help comes from unlikely places. My brother’s ex wife of 15+ years has stepped up to help. SHE remembers everything my mom did for her kids.
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lkdrymom Sep 2023
Choosing to help your mom does not make you a martyr. Expecting everyone else to help you fulfill your promise (and then getting upset when that doesn't happen) does. I am assuming you are not demanding your brother's assistance and that you have resolved to look elsewhere. So not the martyr here. You are just doing what needs to be done to get the job taken care of.
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For once, every single response here makes total sense! Bravi, bravi, tutti!

When, oh, when will martyrs STOP already with the whining about a sibling who doesn’t want to get trapped, strapped, and hog-tied to fooling with a senile parent? You wanna ruin your own life, trash your remaining years on this planet? Fine, have a party, and apply for sainthood…but respect, please, the sibling who chooses to say, “count me out.”

Not one damn thing you can, nor should, “do” about it.
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my2cents Sep 2023
a little harsh, anonymous??? people who care for that senile parent don't do it for martyrdom. They do it because their heart commands it. Doesn't mean it was the road they chose, rather the detour they could make no other choice over. I simply would never have been able to 1) not call my parent, 2) not visit 3) refuse to help any sibling if they asked. And I knew all my life that I would never let my parent live alone in some facility as long as there was a breath in my body.

With that said, you're right that you can't make someone help you, however... it certainly doesn't mean the caretaker child should not be able to expect just a tad bit of assistance from time to time. The sib that can do that didn't just toss the old senile mom to the curb, they tossed their caretaker sibling as well. I mean, who can watch their own sibling struggle to care for a mutual parent and not lend a hand here and there. As a caretaker, it is certainly frustrating but far more than that, you find out exactly who your sibling really is. A little help here and there is not exactly trapped, strapped and hog-tied. And those who refuse to help the sib who is helping the mom???? They rightfully dip a little on the respect scale.

As others have said, caretaker won't ever really resolve the conflict from the sibs that refuse to help, you just learn to deal with it. Mom will always want to see all her kids, so you don't want to mess that up for her. No point in discussing with mom. Trust me, she already knows those other kids were never going to take her in or be there in the role of caregiver. She landed in the right place.
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You cannot change other people. It is best just to let this go as there is enough on your plate.
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As others have posted, neither of you is obliged to take care of mom. Looks like mom didn’t plan or save for her own eldercare, and you’re on the hook. Since you don’t have to be, start looking for options that don’t include your sister. If she hasn’t helped by now, she never will.

As for sis calling to talk with mom, sometimes there’s not much to say to a dementia patient. They don’t won’t or can’t converse like normal people. Sis may not wish to carry on a convo that seems like a waste of time. Sad, but that’s how it is.

I hope you find help somewhere soon. If it’s possible to place mom in a facility, that would be a whole lot better for you and be much more interesting for her than sitting around your house.
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The simple answer here is that you can't get your sister to help. Period.
You made your choice to move mom in your home and care for her(why I don't know)and your sister has made her choice to not help and live and enjoy her life.
It sounds like you perhaps have regretted your decision to move mom in and are now jealous because your sister is living and enjoying her life while you're strapped down to care for your mom.

The good news here is that neither one of you have to care for your mom. You can start looking into assisted living facilities where mom will get the help she needs and be around people her own age and have fun, and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her caregiver.
And as always if money is an issue, mom can apply for Medicaid.

It's time for you and hubby to get your lives back so you can start enjoying the only life you have and will ever have.
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You love your Mom.
You took on being Mom's caregiver.

The kinda blunt truth of it is you have chosen to do this.
Chosen because... It felt right..? Based on your moral compass (my guess - as many other big-hearted folk do).

This of course does not mean you have to do it all, with no help from anyone.

These things make sense to me;
1. Each family member will choose how much they can help.
That is up to them.
2. Time arrises when care needs exceeds what family can do (aka informal supports)
3. Non-family help can be explored: homes services, sitters, personal care aides etc (aka formal suppoets).

It takes a village. This is said relating to raising a child, but I think it applies for elder care too.

If your sister isn't up to the task, look elsewhere. Start the search & collect your 'village' helpers.
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Your sister doesn't participate in your mother's care, and neither do you have to. You can't make other people do things that they don't want to do. Same with grandchildren.

What are your mother's finances like? Can she afford a facility? Can she qualify for Medicaid? Are you her POA/HCPOA?

What type of tasks do you have to for her, and how much time does it take?
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