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My mom has dementia. She has word finding problems and much difficulty forming sentences. She also has fairly severe memory deficits. She is VERY aware of these difficulties and asks me almost every day “ What happened to me that I can’t talk right or remember how to do things” How do you explain what has happened to her in a simple way that she will understand? We have never told her that she has dementia, and she currently lives in assisted living( 8 months now) following a hospital/ rehab stint. Thanks in advance for your help. I feel so fortunate to have found this group as it has been so helpful whenever I’ve asked a question, or just reading other posts that I can also relate to.

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I would not use the word "Dementia" because it may cause fear or anger because they don't feel as though anything is wrong with them but do feel off in some way at the same time. It is par of the course to have the person asking what is wrong with them because they honestly don't understand.

I always try to divert the question with "really, I guess it is aging. Oh my gosh I saw the funniest thing today...." and then talk about something or someone that will trigger them to focus on that subject rather than their lack of memory. Even focusing on the plants or sky that is in the moment "look, doesn't that cloud look like snoopy...I loved the comic strip...Oh him and Woodstock were quite a pair".

I have resorted to bringing a book of jokes to read to keep off the subject of their health. Sometimes it doesn't work and the anger set in. That is my que to say "I will ask the doctor and maybe they can explain better. But right now I want to have a happy visit with you. If you would like I can visit a better time when you are not as angry". This usually triggers him to be more calm because he doesn't want to be alone.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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when was the last time you had mom's ears checked for earwax?
If it's been over 3/6 months, please have dr take a quick look. I font know why they build up faster as we age, but they do...,
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Reply to MAYDAY
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My mother was in Memory Care Assisted Living and would sometimes ask me why she was so forgetful. She did not like the word dementia and insisted there was nothing wrong with her. I'd tell her she was doing the best she could, and forgetting things from time to time as we all did, due to getting old. That seemed to work in her case.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Mom's short-term memory has been affected. You may explain one day and the next day, or even sometime later, she will ask again. Thats where the frustration comes in. Just keep explaining. Eventually, she will not ask.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I'm sorry that you are going through this with your mom. It must be really hard on the family to see mom go through the different stages of Dementia.
Would you mom be scared if you told her that she is having age related memory loss? (I say age related memory loss because for many the word Dementia is scary). If you think it would cause her to be scared I wouldn't say anything. If you think it would help ease her stress about why she is forgetting things then tell her " Mom your ok. You are just a bit forgetful today. Did you sleep well last night?" Often times adding things that is easy to understand helps calm them. Sleep, hunger etc as being the cause.
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Reply to Panurse25
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when she asks you what happened,
maybe say something simple,

"I know it's hard, and it's not fair, but sometimes these things happen when we age. They just happen.
It's okay, we will get through this, it's okay..
we love you.
Margaretmcken is right, truth and love.
then music, dance, AND MILKSHAKES! Party! Enjoy music. Do bring photos, and ask about what she remembers! Maybe something will resurface. Smile , it's okay.
Tell her your stories! HAVE FUN.. MAKE IT
FUN.
Maybe she will tell you her stories.

PLEASE DO NOT CORRECT HER!!
It doesn't matter.

Hopefully you'll laugh together, and others too
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Reply to MAYDAY
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Tayhawk Sep 1, 2026
Thank you! I love the way you worded that. I have said that these things happen as we get older and it’s okay, but I like your wording better! Feel so bad, besides dementia, she can barely hear even with hearing aids which does not help the situation!
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Perhaps the ‘simplest way’ is to tell her that she is “showing some signs of dementia” or “in the early stages of dementia”. She clearly wants to understand what is happening and why. Perhaps telling her is the most honest (and kindest) thing to do. Of course you say that she is still the same person and you love her just as much as always
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Did your Mom have a stroke? Seems like she has asphasia. I'm so sorry for her and for you having to explain it over and over to her.

You can create a book or Word doc or Keynote that explains what you think she can handle... "In 20XX you developed something called aphasia. This means your brain can't process your speech correctly. You have a hard time remembering because..." etc.

May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Tayhawk Sep 1, 2026
No stroke! Just a combination of dementia, very poor hearing even with devices making it difficult to hear others. Because of this, she also will not socialize much within her AL( she gets embarrassed) so she does not use /practice her language skills making things worse. Good idea to make a simple visual to help.
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