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I am glad you are seeking out a lawyer. You may own the home, but that is your mother's legal residence. Unless she has been declared incompetent, the hospital can discharge her back to he legal residence. Being diagnosed with Dementia or needing caregiving does not make someone incompetent. Actually, if she has been declared incompetent, you may be able to go the route of an unsafe discharge, due to you unable to care for her any longer. If she hasn't been declared incompetent, you will probably have to give her a 30 day notice to leave due to that being her legal residence. You may even have to resort to the eviction process. Your mother has been living with you all these years, paid the utilities and her mail going directly to that residence. You cannot legally deny her entrance to her residence even though you owe the home.
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Tiredmomma Feb 2020
I am not sure you understand what these final stages of dementia are. No she is not competent. I could never give her a 30 day notices. She can't understand signing her name. She can't understand how to use a phone. She can't understand how to go the bathroom by herself most of the time. Her care is out of my capabilities. She and we need to be safe. Dementia violence is not safe. She gets a demonic voice and growls at us. That scares my minor child. How can I be forced to allow this. I must protect my child at all costs. I am her mother and she is my first priority.
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Is she the same as when she went into hospital?

If so, the hospital have no medical reasons to do other than return her to her pre-admission home. So the duty of care belongs to you.

If she is significantly worse that is different - the hospital have duty of care.

If it's time that Mom left your house (you sound like you are done & I get that) then take this on & get the advice you need to make it happen. That may be legal advice, financial advice, medical assessments & an elder care specialist to help locate the appropriate residence.

You could be overwhelmed (understandable!). Try not to panic, just research who can help you get to the end goal of Mother being cared for professionally. Best of luck.
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mstrbill Feb 2020
Not completely accurate. Hospital Health and Social Services must also determine and be satisfied that the discharge would be safe, that appropriate care would be in place for the patient where they discharge to. If they discharge to an unsafe environment, they risk a major lawsuit. If OP no longer has the ability or help in place to care for Mom appropriately then hospital should not discharge back home. Any good Elder attorney would support OP, but she doesn't have to hire one if she's strong enough to stand up to the hospital and make clear that her home is no longer safe.
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You are required to be a good parent to your child more than you need to be a good daughter to your mother. If she has gotten violent with your child how can you even consider letting her back in your home.
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One more thing, as Grace said, maybe tomorrow you can go out all day. Sherriff better not leave elderly person with dementia alone by herself. Wouldn't' he be putting an elderly person at risk then? Go to the hospital and meet with the supervisors. If they still don't help, talk to an attorney, APS, the police, whomever, but make it crystal clear you are unable to safely take care of Mom and she is an at risk adult if she is in your home.
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Tiredmomma Feb 2020
Thank you. I am trying. My cooler head (emotions aside) are telling me to accept mom back into my home if the sheriff shows up. She was sent to a hospital 3 hours away for psych evaluation in geriatrics. I am seeing my attorney next week. He told me in meantime to call Adult Protection Service. They are going to get back to me today but said I might need to do a guardianship and give said guardianship to the state. That hospital has told me nothing of the treatment plan they did with her or what meds. she may be on. So releasing her to someone who knows nothing about her last 2 1/2 week stay is ok with them? Do they have any responsibility at all. No one wants to deal with the elderly. So sad.
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Did you attempt a psychiatric admission/evaluation?
If she is “going after” your minor child, it sounds like she is a danger to herself and/or others.
Your child is entitled to a safe environment and it seems that you could be held liable for not providing that safe environment.
You and your husband should also be entitled to a safe environment.
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Tiredmomma Feb 2020
Yes-the last 2 1/2 weeks she has been in for that exact evaluation. I have been told nothing about the treatment plan or any new meds. she may be on. That cannot be safe? I called Adult Protection as I am putting my child first. I am her mother. No negotiating on where my responsibility lies.
(8)
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Tiredmomma
I think it is a great time to go on vacation, at least until you can speak with an attorney Feb. 27. If the sheriff comes and no one answers the door, I guess they will have to return her to the hospital. It is my understanding that in my state folk do not qualify for medicaid if they are going to remain at home and they make over a certain amount of money but if they require a facility for care this does not apply if the cost of the facility is more than their monthly income. However, if they have assets (cash, vehicle, a house) over $2,000 they have to spend down to qualify for medicaid. It is amazing how family members are required to care for the elderly or be charged with elderly abuse but the elderly don't have to do anything that they don't want to do because they have rights. I hope that this works out well for you.
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gdaughter Feb 2020
But this is mom's residence they have said, and so she may have a key...so she would potentially be there unattended to, which is an unsafe discharge if the family is on vacation...
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You tell the social worker at the hospital you are unable to provide a safe environment for your mother. You are unable to adequately tend to her needs and Mom needs a nursing home. Although Mom makes too much for community Medicaid, she would qualify for LTC Medicaid if she's medically needy. Is she able to do any activities of daily living by herself? If not she's medically needy. Tell the SW she needs to find suitable placement in a NH. Tell her your home is unsafe for her and she would be discharging to an unsafe environment. Maybe call APS yourself, if you are unable to care for Mom, they need to know. As usual I'm echoing what AlvaDeer is saying, please listen to her. You need to be strong, but if you cave in and I'm getting a sense you may, you may need to keep sending her to the ER as others have suggested.
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No. They cannot. You can stay at the door and tell the sheriff that the hospital is doing an "unsafe discharge." Use that exact word. They are threatening you. Call the Social worker now and tell her that you are not "physically or mentally able to care for your mother at this time ." Tell her your mom will now require placement. Do not believe her when she starts with all the platitudes of "We can make this work; we will get you help. ' She cannot and will not do those things. Tell her that you will return her to the ER if they insist on leaving her with you, and that you will file for "unsafe discharge " and indangering an elder. You may need to go to court and ask for Court Appointed guardianship. Do know that once you do that you will have NO say on where she is placed and how any of her finances are spent; you will be out of the loop. Be sure to use "unsafe discharge" and for yourself "I am not mentally or physically able to care for my mother."
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Mysteryshopper Feb 2020
Absolutely correct. People who promise to find you support often cannot or do not follow through - regardless of their sincerity. And, none of those people offering "solutions" will be there when the seriousness of the situation sets in that an unsafe person was discharged and YOU are now responsible for them! Please use extreme caution when someone (social worker, doctor, nurse, etc) suggests they know more about your situation than you do!! Two more phrases which might be useful would be these: "My schedule has changed and I am no longer available to provide ongoing care" and "Mom has nowhere to go and I am wishing to discuss realistic living arrangements."
(11)
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Lets try another route.. hospitals HATE readmissions these days, it "dings" their ratings and normally they have to pay the cost for a readmission within ( I think) 30 days. Why is she in the hospital? You have told them you feel it is unsafe for her to come home.. So if it is possible,, back she goes with the same problem ( say breathing difficulties, chest pain, whatever it was) Along with a lot of "I told you so "by you.. This may not work, we don't know why she was in the hospital.. but maybe? And I have seen Pts sent out by taxi,, but not the sheriff. He must have a light work load..
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Unfortunately you are in a state that does not allow for qualified income/Miller trusts. However your state does have a medically needy pathway so your mom can spend down a portion of her monthly income on her health care & qualify for Medicaid.
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Tiredmomma Feb 2020
Hello-Thank you that sounds promising. Do you know what a "medically needy pathway is"? I have an appt. with my attorney on 2/27. Maybe he can help me with that. Thanks again!
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I don't think they can force YOU to pick her up. Maybe. However, if your home is her official residence then , yeah . .legally that is her home and I would think they could discharge her there. 14 years is a long time. You can't just kick someone out. Who's paying the taxes, utilities, where does she receive her mail? blah blah blah. In the eyes of the law - that home is her residency. She is either a tenant, or she is the owner/occupier.

So now the question is - is it HER propperty? Or yours? If yours - legally, you would have to find a way to evict her - legally. I stress legally.

If it's her property - then perhaps you should move and let her back into her own house and let the chips fall where they may. IF your mom is still considered 'competent' . . she could evict you if she wanted (I'm not saying that would happen - but just to illustrate my point of residency)

You don't say if you have POA, Guardianship? or if there is a living trust involved - or whatever.

Perhaps its time to HIRE a caregiver?

For the sake of Hospital discharge . keep in mind -who REALLY has the right to live there (whether it's safe for her or not).

My mom lives in her house (totally unsafe for her to continue to live there) - but its her house. And I have no control over her at this point in our lives. I'm sure there will be a day I will be able to get control and move her to a safer and more financially feasible situation. But we're not there yet. Probably need a handful of more trips to ER and such - could be months . .could be years. She is 89, and a very stubborn and determined 89 at that. The LTC she was in discharged her a couple weeks ago - but they made her arrange for 24/7 caregiving in order to let her back into her own house.

It's possible the hospital sees YOU as the official caregiver and - I do believe they have a right to discharge her to her own home/residence of 14 years and you have been there as her caregiver for 14 years.

If you don't accept her - she can get you for elder abuse I bet. Just sayin. Watch out.
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Tiredmomma Feb 2020
Hello-The home is mine and my husbands. I think we have a right to live there. My mom never owned a home. I have watched out for her my whole adult life. The last 14 were under my roof as that is when she was diagnosed with the dementia. She paid utilities and that is it. She is a danger to my family and herself at this point. I have a minor child. I love my mom but have given all I have to give at this point. I have two sisters and shamefully no one wants to help. I have violent videos of her going after my youngest daughter swinging household objects at her. If this continues I feel as though I will have a heart attack or stroke. I keep missing my high blood pressure medicine as I have to keep it hidden because she took it once. So out of sight, out of mind. I forget to take it. Isn't it time for me and my family to learn to live with normalcy again. I had an unstable upbringing, and made a stable life for myself and once again the constant arguments with my sisters are taking my life over. Why should I be the only sibling forced to continue care. This is all so sad.
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Tell them it is an unsafe discharge. Refuse to pick her up
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Tiredmomma Feb 2020
I did. They said the will deliver her by a sheriff. I realize I have provided her a roof over her head for 14 years, but isn't that what a good daughter should do. I just have nothing left to give.
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Get an attorney to help you. Tell them it's not safe, and you will sue if they keep bothering you.
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Tiredmomma Feb 2020
Hello-Thank you. I actually have an appt. on 2/27 with one. I am tired of the hospital threating me. I feel so exhausted. I have been a good daughter but just do not understand how I can be forced to care for her over my own family.
(9)
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I doubt they can deliver her by sheriff, unless you live in the house she owns.  You need an eldercare attorney as soon as possible.  If she cannot afford a facility, many states will allow a trust such that the state or the facility gets all her income and she gets into a facility.

Just tell them it is not safe for her at your house
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Tiredmomma Feb 2020
Thank you. I did tell them it is unsafe for her and my family. We will see as they said tomm. the sheriff will bring her home. I own the house with my husband. Mom never owned anything. Unstable upbringing as she married two abusive alcoholics and never owned a home. How can my mom have so much say in my life. A life I have given up long enough to care for her. My child deserves a clear and present mom. My husband deserves a wife who is not always cranky. I want to hang out with my family. We haven't taken a real family vacation in literally years. I am 55. Do I not deserve a life now. So sad. Siblings don't care.
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