It has been about 4 months now and my husband's and I's relationship is really strained. We have moved in to take care of his mother since his father passed away. She is on Oxygen and continues to smoke. We have done everything for hiring agencies and she just cusses them out and they drop her. She refused to bathe and threatens to remove us from her house and call the cops if we take away her cigarettes. Her house was owned by her husband's family and is jointly owned. The other party wants out and requested us to sell the house. I am seriously unsure what the best thing is. We cannot find anyone to come out to help her and she is ruining our lives. My husband is not able to work and has to be at her call. She bangs on the floor all hours for him to come up and help her. She plays the Martyr and is a really bad narcissist. Upon cleaning, my daughter, who is her step-granddaughter, the purse that went missing 14 years prior was found in her closet. She told me she did not have it and held onto it for 14 years. The manipulative deceitful acts occur daily. She gives me a look that would burn your soul. I am not sure what to do at this point. I am not sure if we can find a place that would take her. We have run out of home care options and she was already booted from rehab. My husband is an only child and is her sole care provider. She is always snippy with me and does not want anything I cook. She orders me around like I am her servant.
Welcome back! How are things going for you now? Anything new that you would like to share with us?
Your situation is tough to deal with. In-law problems can cause trouble for everyone in the family.
If weather permits, I can see a weekend tent in the yard for you and your husband, and daughter. Cheap, and delivered by Walmart.
Refuse to come back into the house until the rules and regs about smoking and oxygen use are in compliance.
Your dH will refuse to enter the house overnight-did not hear her calling, pounding, screaming.
Got this idea from a website advising how to treat a narcissist.
You can come up with your own plan? Guessing the goal is, if Mil acts hysterical, you act worse. More hysterical.
Make it like a party, bring in the clowns, balloons.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful mother in law. She died a long time ago and I still miss her.
You won’t ever to be able to influence your mother in law to be a kind and considerate person. Let her be and sadly she will have to suffer the consequences of her actions.
Start focusing on your own life with your family.
In regards to the smoking, my oldest brother was a chain smoker. Once, I took him to the ER for medical treatment.
He foolishly lit up a cigarette next to another patient who was using oxygen.
Needless to say that I completely lost it. I looked him directly in the eye and said, “Put the cigarette out now or I am leaving and I don’t care if you have a ride home or not!”
My insane brother says, “Just let me have a few more drags and I will put it out.”
I was so angry that I thought that I would have a heart attack! I didn’t care about him being a smoker. He had been smoking since he was a teenager. It was his right whether or not to smoke, but certainly not in a hospital!
I was upset that he was being so insensitive to the person who was using oxygen. I told him that I was going to tell someone that he was smoking and refused to put it out and endangering others by smoking around a patient with oxygen.
Only then did he put out the cigarette. I told him not to ever ask me again to take him to the ER and to call 911 in the future.
I do have an abusive Mil, who I have attempted to help in the past, and got burned, accused, pushed physically, dismissed, criticized, and she trashed my reputation. It did cause acute distress on my relationship with my husband.
She complained that her neighbor was awful, rude to her, and unavailable, herself too ill to help Mil.-and at the same time says the neighbor came to her home to pick up her rent check to take to the office.....duh, to help her!
From now on, I have decided that strict "No contact" is the only way for me to be towards her. I now welcome being the worst daughter in law, the bad person, just like her neighbor. (Her neighbor, a retired R.N., has helped Mil for over 20 years, was hit in the back by Mil). If she is mad at me, I am safer.
My dh and I will not be helping her. The liability is just too great to be the subject of false accusations. The liability is legal and financial, not just emotional. No one has POA. She had us sending money, and food delivered, while sitting on $2,000 in Snap/EBT funds.
She, like your Mil, has "no one" left to help her, except the authorities to remove her from her home. I was told, that to help her stay at this time, in an unsafe living situation, is not only unsafe for her, it is enabling her to hurt herself. So, we will never go there, would never live with her, under any circumstances.
I do not know how you will get out. We have had to flee abruptly from her, even when we used to visit.
do. Move out and let your husband tend to Mommy.
Your DH needs to get a back bone. "No Mom you cannot smoke around oxygen" then take the cigarettes away. Let her call the cops. When they come, they can explain to her what happens when u smoke around oxygen. Let her scream and holler at the police. Then u have it on record how she is. Do not disable her. She should be doing whatever she can for herself. Treat her like the child she is acting like. At this point, she needs you more than you need her. Your husband needs to tell her "no more". He is an adult and she needs to respect that and you too. Just because he takes it does not mean u need to. He needs to stand up to her.
The house, if MIL is considered competent you cannot sell her house even with a POA. And you need a POA to sell it. The other person on the deed needs to "force" the sale because I am sure MIL won't agree to it. When that happens, then you place Mom in a nice LTC facility. I would not even consider an Assisted Living. She would be asked to leave with her attitude. She takes what money she has and pays for her care privately. About 3 months before she runs out, she applies for Medicaid.
We tried to find her agencies to come in but they keep on leaving.
She is clearly not in her right mind if she's smoking on oxygen and she's villifying her caregivers and family when there is no cause to.
Leave her there. If she wants to be abusive, nasty, vicious, and make threats - walk away.
Or drive away. Let the state sort her out.
NO SMOKING!
OXYGEN IN USE.
To stay there yourselves, or to leave Mil in an unsafe environment is enabling her.
Think about it-if the other party wants to force the sale of the house, your Mil is in the same position as you: facing homelessness. She really does not have much power.
Call APS, get her admitted to a geriatric psych ward for evaluation and her own safety. With the right meds, she may become more reasonable. Do not punish her for being ill and out of control.
No one has to tolerate abuse from anyone whether that person is ill or not.
You state you have a daughter living there? I really hope she isn’t a minor. If she a minor, CPS should remove her from your “care” and charge you and your husband with child abuse since you are willingly putting her in a life threatening situation every second she is in that house.
Meaning, my mil threw out the contents and stored the purse in her closet for over 15 years. Maybe you shouldn't be such a judgemental
You say that your husband "has to be at her call" but let me tell you, your husband is choosing to be at her beck and call. There's a big difference.
If hubby wants to continue to be his mother's slave and be used and abused, that's on him not you. You have to now do what is best for you and your marriage.
As long as someone is there to enable your MIL she will never admit that she needs more help and the vicious cycle will continue.
Just because your husband is an only child doesn't mean that he is in any way responsible for the care of his mother. I just don't understand that way of thinking.
So next time she threatens to remove you from the house, PLEASE take her up on it and then let the chips fall where they may. It's time to call her bluff!
And once out you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let them take it from there.
I am so against moving in with a parent I cannot begin to tell you the horror stories, so many just do not understand the ramifications of doing this. Your husband not working is one of them, you are now dependent on the mother to keep a roof over your head. Yes, she knows that it is her home, her rules, you are her coolie.
She can live for many more years, is this how you want to spend the next years of your life? I would hope not.
Good Luck!
The only thing I can add is TAKE THE CIGARETTES AWAY. Let her only smoke outside with supervision until you get this living situation resolved . You, your husband , and daughter are in danger . Too bad if mother in law calls the cops . Let her , it’s better than blowing up . Call APS , and/or your local dept of aging . . If she can’t live alone get her placed. Be prepared to leave and have a place to live . Your husband should not quit his job to take care of her .
Or you choose to stay and deal with all this that you have mentioned if you feel qualified to do so and wish to continue in this manner.
You do not mention that there is any diagnosed dementia.
Nor do you mention that there is a legal POA .
If there is no dementia your MIL can take care of herself or hire in help.
If there is dementia I would call APS to deal with MIL and tell them that you are unable to do so.
If APS believes her living conditions are unsafe they will arrange for diagnosis and guardianship of the state, then placement. You will not have a choice as to where this is, and the state will appoint a fiducicary to manage finances, medicaid if needed, and nursing home care.
The choice is really entirely up to you. I sure wish you good luck. Not everything can be fixed.
If he doesn't want to leave her alone, he should go ahead and get someone from an agency to come out for a day or two. When the aide comes, he leaves the house. If MIL fires them, then she'll be alone. Let her be alone and suffer the consequences of having no help. That will teach her the value of having you and your husband there to help her. Otherwise, she takes you all for granted and treats you like dirt. After being left alone struggling, she might be more receptive to having help.
As for the house, I think it should be sold. Check the title, maybe consult an real estate attorney and see if a joint owner can force a sale. My guess is yes. MIL can use the money to pay for assisted living. You and your husband can go back to having a life.
Throw this into reverse!
Quick sticks!
Ask, say, do..
ASK MIL what she wants - from a list of what is Realistic + Affordable + Available in her area.
SAY
1. Say what you WILL be able to do, going forward.
Eg telephone once a day as a welfare check-in + visit once/twice a week. Help arrange services with her. Help arrange meals on wheels or food deliveries. Or if she is completely against these & cannot cook, bathe or clean, offer to help find her a nursing home instead.
2. Say what you will NOT do going forward.
Eg Live in. Pay for her lifestyle.
Be at her beck & call. Put up with verbal abuse.
3. Say if you find she is unsafe living alone, refusing help to live safely, you will report her as vulnerable adult at risk to authorities.
DO. Do as you say you will. Arrange home services again.
Move out.
Notify APS.
Q.1 Does your husband ever feel free to say NO to his Mother?
Q.2 If not, why not?
Q3. Can you freely say no to him?
You have slidden down a big slippery slope.. but you can reverse this. Hopefully WITH your husband. Or.. he is left down there to smother alone. He chooses.
Neither of you is obligated to this horrific woman. Being an only child doesn’t entitle a person to put his spouse through hell.
She could kill all of you if she starts a fire with her smoking and oxygen. Is that how you want to die? I doubt it.
If you and husband leave, that’ll pave the way for someone else to take over her care. As long as you stay, you’re enabling her to abuse both of you.