Follow
Share

Hello again friends - This is a long story/update, thanks for reading.
For starters, if you remember me I posted about my mom having a stroke at 66 and going into a nursing home at the end of last year. We moved her from 2 hours away to ten minutes from us. Her recovery has been sort of uplifting actually, she’s still somewhat immobile but is intermittently doing therapy, eats regular food, and is properly medicated for her mental issues. We were also on our hustle with cleaning out her house and sold it in late spring.
But now Grandma is in a decline. She is 89 and has lived in A/L over two years now. She has dementia and it used to be mild/slow going but this year it has majorly increased the amount of delusional things she experiences and is affecting her daily life. I started touring LTC facilities here to see if I thought any would be a better fit than where my mom is. Mom and Grandma haven’t seen each other in 5 years and I have concerns that it might be stressful for them to be in the same nursing home. But it would be easier for me. I’m also having second thoughts on moving her near me at all. If I moved her to LTC in her current city that would mean my aunt/uncle and cousin who visit occasionally still would, when I doubt they’ll visit hardly at all with a 2 hr drive. But I only see her once a month, sometimes every two months now and if I moved her I’d try to go weekly as I do with Mom. I’m nervous about switching her to living here where I don’t have a feel for our hospital systems, having not had to use them except to birth my kids. But they are similar sized cities and probably about the same. Currently it’s pretty stressful to coordinate getting over there to take her to appointments and any time she’s been sent to the hospital she’s alone. My aunt/uncle don’t do anything involving her care, except listen to me when I call to discuss it with them. They said ok to the idea of me moving her if it helped “ease my burden” but I don’t know if it will ease it or increase it. It’s bound to increase either way though, knowing what a state she’s been in. Her AL has been kind of lackluster with their communication, so it’s hard and I want to get her moved somewhere before too long. Maybe there are details I’m not thinking of, but let me know what you think.

Find Care & Housing
I would think it would be a blessing for all of you to have both of them in the same facility.

Maybe they could spend time together and that would help ease your burden and help them be a little less lonely. Which would be good for all of you.

If you are going to keep doing what you are doing for grandma make it work for you and forget about what anyone thinks. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders and know what is what. Odds are your Uncle and Aunt wouldn't visit very at a LTC, they are hard to visit for some people and them not visiting often at the AL means the LTC wouldn't agree with aunties allergies;-(

Think what you could do with the 4 hours travel time saved.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
TiredofAdulting Aug 30, 2024
Thank you for your kind words. The travel time would definitely make a difference and would make things easier when she gets near the end of her life as well. I’m in therapy and my therapist thinks its a good idea to move her so I can hopefully have some nicer times visiting too, not just ones centered around her doctors appointments.
(2)
Report
Of course your family said ok for you to move grandma because it eases the burden for THEM ( not you ) .

I don’t understand why your aunt/uncle whoever is your grandmother’s child(ren) are not the ones dealing with this .

In all honesty , you should tell them you have enough on your plate with your own Mom and young family. Your grandmother’s child( ren ) , your aunt/uncle need to take over the reins for their mother .
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
TiredofAdulting Aug 29, 2024
This. I appreciate the validation of your response. Having not been thru these life experiences before I’m just doing my best as things roll along. So, Gma had only the two kids, my uncle and Mom. Uncle’s wife has always caused issues/fights with Grandma (Uncle/Aunt have been married 47+ years) and Grandpa always said he didn’t want Aunt touching their money. I think they were a bit naive in assigning me the POA thinking I was just going to help Gma pay bills. But her money is gonna run out in less than 2 years once she goes into LTC, so that doesn’t matter anymore. Gma and Gpa had a large part in raising me (I went there for before/after school, summers, etc) and we’ve always been close, so I didn’t mind doing these tasks for her. But after what happened with Mom I’m just stressed worrying about Gma. Aunt’s parents are deceased, and they’re retired, but when I asked my Uncle if he could meet Gma at a doc appointment (not even take her, let AL do transport) he told me he couldn’t because of “Aunt’s allergies” it was as if he was equating the AL to a chemical factory. Total BS response. This made me not want to mess with them, but now considering Mom and the other hassles that would come with moving Gma here, I think that’s adding to my second guessing. I’d still need to move her to LTC there and pay the bills etc, but I could probably stick up to them a bit more.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do whatever works best for you.

For me, that would be having them in my town, and if possible, the same facility.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Dogwood63
Report

If you move her nearer you, I would not put her in the same facility with mom, nor would I tell either one that you’re busy taking care of the other one.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report
TiredofAdulting Aug 29, 2024
So Grandma, whether she fully understood or remembers, knows that Mom had a stroke and that we had to clean out/sell
her home. She would likely go on a different floor at this facility, and I only briefly floated the idea to Mom, she’s not THAT out of it, she’s aware I’m both of their POA’s so it’s not something I have to dwell on but not possible/necessary to hide it. What it boils down to is, is I have a small
family and they’re lucky I was capable to step up for them. The reason they haven’t seen each other in so long was due to my stepdads poor health before he passed and my mom’s undiagnosed stuff. She avoided any gathering they were invited to after Covid basically.
(2)
Report
I am Grandma’s POA and have been for 8 years since my Grandpa died. Grandma has enough other health problems that she’s kind of between the need for LTC
or Memory Care. Her mobility is the biggest factor in that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to TiredofAdulting
Report

If you don't have POA I would leave the responsibility of Grandma to your Uncle and Aunt who live close by. You have enough responsibility with your Mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Are you your Grandmother's PoA? If not, then see if your relatives who are local to her would be willing to do what you're now doing (as much as the law allows).

If you are her PoA then I would move her to the same facility as your Mom. Is your Mom currently in AL? Or LTC? They probably won't be in the same section, anyway. Sounds like your Grandmother is a MC candidate...?

Has your Grandmother been assessed an medicallly needing LTC? If not, this is a conversation to have with her physician. Medicaid pays for LTC but one has to qualify both medically and financially for it, "we" don't get do decide that someone needs it. It's either the doctor or the facility.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter