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Hello Mikuhatsune01. Once I read Your Post I felt compelled to reply immediately, as Your Life experience is so very similar to my own and I have walked the same path with my
Own Mother, Rest in peace. I feel guilty because You are so young where as I was 57 years when My Mom died, and I found Family and Friends drifted away to continue on living their own Lives and showed very little concern for Mom or me. We have a very old saying Here in Ireland "WHEN YOUR BACK IS TO THE WALL" It is only then Youl know Who Your true Friends really are. It was only when I found this fabulous Site, Aging Care.com that I discovered my true
Friends, wonderful kind caring People Who advised me, and
taught me so much as I had no training or skills in Caring for my Mom Who was diagnosed with alzheimer's in 2003 hence I volunteered to Care for My Mother at home in Moms Home where We Lived together all of my Life since I am not Married. I continued Caring for my Mom at Home to the End which was June 2006, thanks to all of the Care givers on this wonderful Site. Never hesitate for one moment in contacting fellow Carers on Aging Care . Com when ever You need to ask a question or several questions or if You need to blow off steam and vent this is where You will discover Your true Friends, People Who have walked this path and Who really do Care.
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thank you for the kind words. I will keep all of updated . It's just a lot to take in . I'm in my 20's. Not only did I lose my birth parents when I was a baby, my uncle died when I was 7, then it was just me and my aunt, who I call mom , so it's a lot to take in . Most people in there 20's don't go through so much pain , living without there birth parents... then putting there loved one in a nursing home... On top of all that, I did CNA for the past 4 years, while also caring for mom. So seeing people die over and over again really put a mark on me. So not only do I have anxiety and depression, mood problems, but possibly PTSD, it's A LOT for one person to take on, all on there own ....
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You are a brave and gutsy young person. You took on a task, that much more seasoned folks dread, with great love and determination.

You are dealing with a major change in your life - caring for your mom 24/7 is stressful, so is the decision to move her into a residential facility, and so is adjusting to your "new" life". In a sense, you are experiencing grief and loss - for a way of life. Feel free to check out Griefshare - a faith-based support group for folks dealing with loss of a loved one - that is found in many places of worship.. No, mom is not dead, but the loss is real. You need caring folks that can identify, listen, and share their coping strategies. Spending time with a counsellor one-on-one is also a good idea. He/she can help you look at your new life situation and figure out ways to cope... even thrive!

People you know are probably at a loss of knowing how to help you. Figure out what you need from your friends and family - be specific with them: visit mom once a month on _____ date, help you sort through stuff in the home on ______ date, go out for a meal on ______, etc. They may be more able to handle those tasks. My girls are 27 and 29 and would find what you are doing monumental. Be proud of yourself, but find caring people to call friends.
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thanks , that makes a lot more sense... was in desperation to to get help . I wasn't thinking when I was trying to talk to others of what has been happening .
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People say, "If you need anything give me a call" as a kind of cliche -- people say it but don't mean it. it is just a meaningless polite term. Your REAL friends will always be there when you need them. I have been taking care of my mom for decades, never moved away from home, always been just me and mom. But I have to face losing her since she's 90 and had Alzheimer's disease for 10 years, the last five were really bad. Now she is bedridden and kept alive with a feeding tube. It is hard to care for mom by myself as she is 100% dead weight and bedridden, and getting her bowels to move is no easy chore.

So no matter what age you are--and I'm nearly 60--those feelings you have will continue to be there. You made the right decision putting her in a nursing home and try to forge your own life. I sacrificed my life for my mom -- literally -- so don't fall in this same trap.

Still you need to visit her often and inspect her skin.
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Similiar situation here...although with me, it's all those people that said when she was in the hospital - oh, just call if you need any help with anything! And now they've long disappeared...they don't call her...or me...they all know where she's at now - in an adult foster care - but they don't stop by to see her or call. She feels abandoned by them.

I don't feel it's my place to call and badger people to care about her. It's sad because they're too busy or whatever to care about her - I don't know what to think of them other than they love to show up at the hospital and talk big and then when it comes down to the reality of the long-run their daily lives take over and they forget and move on to the next one who's in the hospital or whatever ... it's disappointing...these are her friends from church who've made these big statements about being there for her...and in the end I'm the only one who is there for her...sad to say.. I work full time myself, I'm 66 and I'm not there enough either...at least from her perspective. I think our society as a whole is not very caring about our elderly and would prefer to forget about them. Add that to the fact of her dementia and often times she can be rude - I know I was there once when a lady from church called around noon - and when she was picking up the phone (so I'm sure the lady heard her) she says ' WHY do people call right at lunchtime?' - I think I too would not call again if I heard someone say that! So they don't give much credence to her mental status and perhaps take it personally? I don't know...but I do know that this particular individual hasn't had much time for mom since that incident - of course mom doesn't remember it at all...and wonders why she doesn't hear from her friend...I tried to explain that she needs to call them...and I get a lot of excuses about how they're busy, sick, etc. She doesn't like to take the initiative to reach out to others...

Oh well...I know this doesn't help you...all I can say is try to make your own friends...take a break from caregiving, join some groups, find an interest...

Best to you!
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This is one of my pet peeves about friends and family. My husband and I had a lot of friends but since he became ill, they just disappear. They would come for parties and then leave unheard from again. Family members are worse - no calls or cards. I feel sorry for my husband. If he were single, he’d have no one, period!

Sad! Very sad!
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Don’t listen to people who haven’t walked a mile in your shoes...period. They know nothing and the advice they give is worthless and often platitudes. Who you need right now is a qualified therapist to help you process the loss and emotions you are feeling. You had a big part of your life taken up by caring for her and of course you feel at loose ends now. Guilt is not a realistic feeling because you’ve done nothing wrong. Your heart is conflicting with your head right now. But the head told you that getting your mom proper round the clock care by staff was the right thing for her. You are not super woman! Now you still have a role but it’s as her daughter and carer off to the side. You will still have a valuable role. Truly no one can understand how you feel when they’ve not been through this. I have friends I just don’t discuss it with because their lack of empathy is upsetting so I talk to those who understand. That’s why coming here is so valuable. I hope you can get counseling but if you can’t, join a support group of caregivers or keep coming here. We understand!
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jjmummert Aug 2019
I agree...find a support group and a counselor, someone who deals with family and elder issues. You have a unique history with your mom. I believe visits with a counselor will be essential to reclaiming and nurturing your own identity. You are a wonderful daughter. It is time to move on to the role of care manager and move forward toward your own special future.
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Dear Miku, I haven’t had your experience, but I could compare my situation after my first husband left me when I was in my early thirties. We had had quite a busy social life, but it soon became apparent that I had been cooking dinners for his friends, not mine. You have become ‘single’ in a different situation, but some things may be similar. Married couples often don’t really like socialising with single women, in particular. Perhaps you could find new friends your own age who have just become single, and may have more in common with you than you might expect. They may also be trying to make a different life, grieving in a different way, and wondering where everyone went.
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Libbby Aug 2019
Agreed - and acknowledge how hard it is to rebuild a social life. Give yourself time, I have found that it takes months to get to know new people. Are there MeetUp or other social groups near you that share common interests - movies, dining, hiking? Join a gym, exercise and other people help bridge the loneliness.
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Hi Miku,

I am 66 and have lived with my mom the last twelve years. Prior to that I at least spoke to her on the phone every single day of my life.

I have often thought that the reason we seem to lose a little bit of them due to old age is to prepare us for the big loss that will come but it’s not really.

I dont know what I will do when I won’t have her to talk to everyday. (Even though she never has any answers for me anymore.) I have isolated myself with her and I’m used to not having anyone around to help but what will that be like when I don’t have her?

I don’t have anywhere to go when I get up everyday but that statement will be so heavy when I don’t have the purpose of taking care of her anymore.

And won’t It be weird to only have to manage one life at a time? My own life doesn’t require half the focus I put into managing hers.

I feel your pain. I think we have to rethink our lives when the time comes. Allow yourself to grieve some but remember you are still taking care of her. It’s just a different position now.

Now’s the time to ease into a new life while you are still taking care of her but now with evenings off!

Good luck. Don’t let it ruin the rest of your life. Accept the pain but don’t let it take over.
Charlotte
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Harpcat Aug 2019
Chark60, you have lost a bit of who you really are by being the primary caregiver for your mom and having put your life on the back burner. I’m glad you’re openly asking yourself these questions about your life after mom. Perhaps journal and begin a deep inquiry within and write down how you visualize life then. What are some things you’d like to do to fulfill yourself? If you start to brainstorm now, you will have ideas for when that day comes. Maybe you’ve wanted to join a knitting group, book club, church group, learn to paint begin an exercise program, etc. there’s lots of things that you can do but dream about it now not when you are in the aftermath of grief from loss. Maybe you can even get started on one of these things you wish to do. You really are young as I’m 67. I’ve made a point to have activities other than my role as caregiver so I don’t lose who I am. My best to you. Start dreaming 😊
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I'm sorry you're going through this at such a young age. My own son is 26 and has helped me with my 84 year old mom. He loves her and, of all her grandchildren, he is the closest. She lived with me and both my kids for 5 years and he was there for her a lot. However, when the dementia progressed to the point where she needed 24/7 care, I had to move her to a memory care facility. Could the three of us have wrangled our schedules around to provide that? Maybe. But her health and safety was a big issue and I also did not feel it was fair to ask my then 18 and 23 year old children to dedicate their lives to taking care of her. When you are young, you should get your education, be with your friends, date, travel, and maybe start your own family - I didn't want them to give all of that up to take care of their grandmother and, honestly, in my fifties, I have some of my own health issues and I simply could not handle her care.

You are too young to give up these years. Your dedication to your mother is admirable but you need and deserve your own life. It's too bad that people don't keep their word when they say "call me whenever you need me," but sadly most of them don't. Do what you can by visiting your mom, maybe take her for an outing or an overnight occasionally, and running some errands she may need, but don't forget to have a life of your own. It's normal to feel some guilt when you give up care of a loved one, but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You'll still have contact with her and it's up to you to determine how much, but if she has problems that will progress, it's really better to have medical caregivers watching over her.
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MaryKathleen Aug 2019
Well said.
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I don't think that anyone who hasn't "been there done that" can possibly understand what you are feeling. Even at my age where people expect their parents to be in decline I found that most people seemed to be puzzled at my choice to care give at home and viewed the nursing home as a natural part of aging and don't get why I had put it off so long.
Your whole world has revolved around your mom and her needs, everything familiar has been pulled out from under you and you need to find your footing. Change is scary, especially change that is forced upon you and that you feel ambivalent about. You WILL find a new normal, but it takes time. ((hugs))
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As MsMadge stated it is common perhaps to common for family and friends to run off. Most people say 'what you should say', but there is no real meat behind their words. Plus, I have figure out if someone has never went through this than they don't have a clue 'how it really is." The toll it takes on a person whether he/she is young or middle age--whatever the CGs age. You did the right thing and you are to young to give up your life to care for someone else and again 'people just don't get it.'

Give yourself some time to process all that you have been through. Take one day at a time. Find a therapist to help you to take steps in making a new life for yourself. You are young and this is your chance to make a new beginning. I know it is going to be hard and strange. And stop feeling guilty because you did nothing wrong! You made the right decision--for your mom and for you!

Give yourself a break!

Hugs!!
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Miku

sorry for your difficult situation at such a young age - while you are certainly an adult at 27, most of us do not go through elder care until we're middle aged ourselves

I was hoping to see more information in your profile but it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling to talk through your emotions - perhaps the social worker at the NH could make a suggestion for a caregiver support group

I can tell you that it is not unusual for family to run and hide when someone is placed in a facility - to the outsider, the problem is solved - it also takes a special person to cope with being a caregiver, so give yourself a break - adjustments take time and it is not easy

keep posting here, you will find support and guidance
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
Thank you , It's going to take a while for me to get used to a new "normal" . But at least I tried with my mom . Not only did I do care giving with mom, but for the past few years, I did CNA for the past 4 years while caring for mom . It's a lot .
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