I’ve never had a close relationship with my mother. She’s 81 and has been living alone since my father passed unexpectedly 10 years ago. My husband and I are the only ones who help.
She is a heavy drinker, likely has multiple disorders, and is extremely skilled at manipulating and fooling professionals. I posted here back in January after discovering she had hidden several skin cancer wounds for years. She recently had surgery, and the state of Florida failed us again.
Despite repeatedly using the term “unsafe discharge” and expressing serious concerns, she was discharged to an empty apartment. She presents well enough to convince people she’s fine, but in reality she had an open wound on her leg from self-neglect the size of a sheet of paper, plus several others on her arm, along with ongoing issues with her eyes and ear.
We have flown to Florida four times since December, staying about two weeks each time. She fights me on everything. Her lease is up in June. She now has home health care, but only 35 hours a week—nothing at night or on weekends. She’s home alone with a wound vac because insurance denied a skilled nursing facility based on unrealistic criteria, despite her mental instability, alcoholism, and clear self-neglect.
We have voiced our concerns to anyone who would listen—doctors, case workers—yet “unsafe discharge” seems meaningless. When I confronted her about her drinking and showed that I could see her alcohol orders, the emails suddenly stopped. Now she’s sending her aide with cash to buy alcohol and cigarettes.
I don’t care that she drinks. I care that her doctors have accurate information for medication interactions and anesthesia. Instead, she claims my husband called her an alcoholic and is now giving us the silent treatment because we had to return home.
Her surgery was unexpectedly split into two procedures, which disrupted our plans. We had scheduled our trip to stay a full week post-op, but that didn’t happen. Because she becomes extremely difficult when she knows we’re leaving, we had to tell her just one day before departure—while she was still hospitalized and safe. During that time, she was verbally abusive whenever we were alone.
We are her only advocates because she has pushed everyone else away. I’ve called multiple times since returning home, even asking nurses to have her call me. She hasn’t. Instead, she’s telling others we abandoned her and that I haven’t called, which isn’t true.
I have two older siblings—one has no relationship with her, and the other calls once a week and is treated as the “golden child.” Meanwhile, I run a small business and have been unable to function due to the emotional toll this has taken on my health and daily life.
I’ve reached my limit. I will not keep calling just to be lashed out at. I have done everything I can to keep her safe, despite not having a mother who protected or supported me growing up.
I’m her power of attorney and health proxy, but it often feels meaningless. She is elderly, mentally unwell, drinks heavily, is vision and hearing impaired, and has a lifelong pattern of poor decision-making and self-neglect.
I don’t expect her to change. I just don’t want to keep fighting an uphill battle while feeling guilty for not doing enough. I’m exhausted—emotionally, mentally, and physically—and the stress is affecting my health.
I’ve done everything I can so I can sleep at night. I just don’t want to feel guilty anymore.
Resign your POA and allow mother to live and die on her terms, bottle in one hand and cigarette in another. Call APS before you resign, if you'd like, and report a vulnerable elder with cancer living alone. Then close the chapter on this matter and move on with your life.
Your mother has chosen alcohol over her family members long ago. You didn't cause that, you can't cure it, and you certainly can't control it. So let it go. Completely. A few Al-Anon meetings will help you disengage and realize you cannot save a person from herself.
Guilt suggests you did something wrong. What wrong thing have you done? Think with your head now and not your heart. Trust me if mother is in a bad way, she WILL call you.
Save all that airfare money you've been wasting and go on a nice vacation, just you and hubby. You deserve to.
Best of luck to you.
Consider that you and mom are both trying to make it through a dark valley while both wearing blinders.
You both know the other is out there. There is comfort in that yet when you bump into each other… Ouch or Yikes or both. In between the yikes and the ouch may be enough to make it worth your while. You did agree to help her. She is trying to keep you around by trying to hide her addiction. Perhaps that’s enough for now until her decline progresses. It will.
You are caught up in the need to do what you think you are supposed to do. You are trying your best to follow the path that has been laid out and when the stars finally seem to align, your part is to say the magic words and yet …you find it’s a big fat circle.
You are emotionally tapped out. Your brain is in a tangle trying to make it all happen. it’s emotionally draining because the brain doesn’t know how to fix it. The parts to the puzzle don’t fit. The brain can’t keep up with running your body and finding you distracted with problems you can’t control. You must take care of your brain in order for it to take care of you.
My advice is to stop flying to her. Take some time off. Perhaps seek the counsel of a certified elder care attorney for her state who can look over your existing paper work and give you guidelines on when what you have in hand will work and for what.
Some may have found it helpful to totally walk away. It’s not a perfect solution but it may be the least disruptive to you both. Hard to know without some reflection and rest.
I would suggest you stop interfering with her drinking. The more she drinks the quicker she will get to the part where she can no longer function and then you may thankfully be able to make a difference in her life. Will it be too late? Who knows but what you are doing isn’t working.
It probably feels like she is now playing games with you by sending the help off with cash. (Lots of issues with that). The first rule of a game of this sort is you don’t know you are playing. You have to stop playing. Quit trying to control her. Breath.
If you want to better understand your mom’s disease go to an al-anon meeting or two where you will find out how you are enabling her and gain some emotional support. What happens to her matters to you. What matters to you affects everyone you love. We are all connected. This will be hard but you will be in better control of your reactions as you better understand that this is not about safety. Much harder than that…it’s about love.
Welcome to the Forum.
In her discussion—recently featured on C-SPAN's Book TV in February 2026—Mauldin explores the deeply unsettling idea that our most cherished ideals of love and sacrifice have been "weaponized".
Mauldin’s work highlights several key themes that resonate with my observations about guilt and systemic failure:
The Weaponization of Love:
She argues that the state and our current systems rely on the "unpaid caregiving labor" of family members.
By framing extreme self-sacrifice as the ultimate expression of love, society effectively excuses itself from the responsibility of providing adequate long-term care.
The "Loop" of Failing Systems:
The book describes a system "designed to let [both caregivers and patients] fall through the cracks". Families are forced into a loop where they must sacrifice their own health, finances, and well-being to sustain a loved one, because the broader infrastructure for chronic illness and disability is non-existent or inaccessible.
A Nation of "Sick People":
Mauldin reframes the "care crisis" not as an individual struggle, but as a collective failure. The guilt many feel often stems from the impossible choice of either sacrificing oneself entirely or "failing" the person they love—a choice created by an ableist society that prefers to look away from its most vulnerable.
2) is your PoA actually active? Did you read it to see what is required, like a medical diagnosis of sufficient incapacity? You will this for your PoA to have any legal teeth. Or...
3) Resign your PoA and allow her to live out the rest of her life on her terms. Stop rescuing and enabling her. Let the state of FL get guardianship for her and then you'll see them transition her into a facility. But this won't happen until you resign and the report her to APS.
Your Mom's liver is probably on its last leg so I'm not sure why you are so focused on her skin (although I know open wounds... ugh) but she is fighting you tooth and nail. If her skin cancer doesn't take her then cirrhosis probably will. You keep expecting her to be someone she never was and never will be. You "fixing" her each time doesn't change a thing -- she keeps going back to the bottle and choosing a slow, liquid suicide. You cannot rescue her from this so stop and move on with your life.
You do not own any guilt. You can certainly feel grief, but not guilt. In fact, you should pat yourself on the back for hanging in there for as long as you have trying to drag a back of rocks up a hill. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you live guilt-free.
You can not force her to do things differently .
You are correct that “ unsafe discharge “ has lost a lot of its power .
You need to just step back . Let the chips fall where they may . Very often elderly alcoholics refuse help or to be placed in assisted living because they don’t want the booze taken away .
Facilities will also refuse to take alcoholics . They don’t want to deal with it. The hospitals know this . So long as your mother seems competent enough the hospital will send her home . And these days the bar is very low to force someone out of their home.
You can’t fix this . People like this end up often dying because of inadequate care .
Your mother’s situation is of her own doing for being stubborn and difficult .
Let your Mom have the life she wants , even if you know it’s not the best .
Let herself drink and smoke herself to death at home . That’s what she wants .
Go to Al-anon to help you with your grief .
It's all here. Sadly.
As a former CNA, and a daughter of a now deceased mother with narcissism and dementia, I thought of what I would do if I were in your place. You mentioned that you and your husband were the only ones willing to help. I see that you are power of attorney and health proxy which is interesting. I think it shows that despite how she treats you, She knows that you're the responsible Caring one. I would tell your mother that she needs to make the golden child her power of attorney and let that one be in charge.
If You continue trying to help, no matter what you do it's going to be wrong. She is not going to work with you or help you help her. You will get more frustrated and hurt and betrayed. And burnout is unbelievable.
I would step back and give the reins to the golden one. Let them earn the golden ticket. Then see how that plays out.