cdnreader Asked November 2023
Estrangement from siblings because they never helped me with my dad. Should I try to heal these relationships or let them go?
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I feel no resentment to my brothers. They made their decisions. If your resentment is still raw, I may not approach them yet. You have to be able to forgive and in this instance forget. Never ever bring up what they did not do for you and Mom. Maybe they were waiting for you to ask. Maybe it was felt that it was big sisters responsibility. There is still that mindset in families. If you can just let it go, then start by sending a Christmas card saying that you think its time to burn bridges and get back to being a family. Sometimes it just takes one person to step forward.
I am too raw still. I realize I can't bow to them anymore in hopes of scraps. I gave too much and expected too little. My sisters will never be there the way I hoped.
You're right to be careful. It's sad when people only show up every 5 years.
Only you know what your siblings are like, and how they think things were happening while you were caregiving. Do they have a warped view of reality of that time ? My siblings do .
I never asked my siblings for help , yet met criticism especially when I had to place my mother in AL. I also learned my siblings had warped views of how much they visited and that they actually think that ( infrequent ) visiting constituted “ helping “.
In my case I can’t get passed the fact that they won’t acknowledge that they did nothing and are taking credit , when in fact I was the one in servitude . They were in fact very uninvolved until my Dad went on hospice , then I was expected to call with daily reports as if I was an employee. A phone chain wasn’t good enough for some of them . Two in particular were like this , treated me like I was an employee and worked for them , ordering me around . Neither of them came until near the bitter end with Dad . It was a 3 hour drive .
At the house after Dad’s funeral they spoke about how “ we took care “ of Dad for his many years of cancer. “We” did not take care of Dad . I did . A year later I had to put Mom in AL and was criticized for that , although none of them offered to take over caregiving . I became the outcast and it will remain that way . I will not interact with those that act superior to me like they do when I am around them .
Good luck to you .
Then she was diagnosed with a serious illness and I'm done with all of that. I'm glad that, should this illness shorten her life, she won't have spent her final years doing what I am currently doing.
Maybe before the illness I should have had a clearer vision of all of us eventually succumbing to this or that, suffering, and dying. I'd like not to have lost those years to unceasing resentment. I'm not proud that, for me, the illness offers the "silver lining" of my getting to have a sister again without feeling like a doormat and a dupe.
Absent illness or other misfortunes, a negligent *brother* would be harder for me to forgive, I think. Not all men blah blah but *most* men are dumping all of the care work on women. Then, since men biologically have shorter life spans (lucky), they get to die attended to by wives/daughters. Their wrecked and impoverished widows become a "social problem"--one we currently address primarily through warehousing.
Again, with an actual/individual brother, whose own struggles and vulnerabilities were known to me, I might be more sympathetic. On a population level, though, men seem like freeloaders and it pisses me off.
Sorry to hear about your sister's illness allowing you to reconcile. It's a tough one. In truth, I don't know if my sisters will ever give me any care and consideration even if I had fatal illness. That's how cold they are.
I scrolled through some of your old posts and found this:
"I too have a difficult relationship with my 3 sisters. As the oldest I was left to handle everything for both my parents. It's exhausting. I know for myself the anger and resentment was bursting at the seams and still is. In hindsight, I should have been more upfront with my own feelings and needs and wants and frustrations. And if they still said "I don't care." Then I should have made other choices to protect myself."
It sounds like, looking back, you see that there were assumptions and misses on all sides.
I wouldn't expect your sisters' kids to apologize for anything; they may have heard a narrative that is quite different from yours.
The resentment and anger you hold on to can only hurt YOU and hinder your healing.
They are never going to care about me the way I cared about my mom and dad. They don't operate that way and it works for them. Part of me wishes, I could take a pill and just forget the past.
I had rifts with my siblings and we were able to heal past hurt. I’m very grateful for being able to live harmoniously with them, especially with my older brother who recently died. We actually grew very close. I will miss him.
My oldest brother who died in 2013, was an entirely different story. There were reasons why I couldn’t be close to him but I did see him shortly before he died in a hospice facility and I forgave him.
My husband on the other hand is not close to his siblings. It’s a long story and I will spare you the details. At one time they were close. It hurt him initially and I know that he is sorry that they are no longer close but it doesn’t bother him anymore.
My husband is at peace to let things be as they are. He doesn’t want to rehash old memories with them and become upset all over again.
What emotions are you feeling specifically about your siblings? When my brothers and I were estranged I remained in contact with my nieces and nephews. They did not turn against me.
I’m sorry that you don’t have contact with your nieces and nephews.
Family dynamics are so complicated at times. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t.
If you don’t want to have a face to face conversation with them or any interaction such as a phone call or text messages, then you could think about writing a letter to express your feelings. That way you can say whatever is on your mind without being interrupted or criticized.
Often times these things are beyond our control. You can’t force them to feel a certain way. Sometimes the more you try the harder they resist and things become even worse.
Leave the door open if you are interested in a reconciliation with them. If you decide to close the door at some point, that’s okay too. Do what you feel most comfortable with.
All I know is that people are going to believe what they believe whether it’s true or not. Some people have preconceived notions in their head and others can’t change their minds no matter what they say.
Remember that close friends who accept you as you are are like family. Cherish the good relationships in your life. Let go of relationships that you don’t value.
Don’t harbor hatred or resentment in your heart. You can be sad about certain things but be at peace.
It's really hard for me. Because I still feel so much hurt and resentment and anger about how little emotional support they gave me then and now.
I was stuck in magical thinking that after my dad passed that somehow they would treat me better. But as the oldest I'm the scapegoat and villain in this family.
I will keep my distance now and protect my peace.