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Buying shoes is one of the most stressful things I do with Mom. They are fine in the store,b ut then hurt when we get home. She throws them away, but there are no other shoes to wear. Even $150 pair ones didn't work, luckily I could return them. She currently wears a pair of men's loafers, and sometimes throws them away. Try different inserts. You could get her a foot massage unit, with infrared. Something to give her some relief if shoes are not found.
Mom just flipped out on me because her feet hurt. It is not my fault. Just took her to a Podiatrist. Now she wants an Orthopedist! Hold my breath and count to ten. I think I am going to go take the dog for a walk. Pray -Pray- Pray!!!!!! Neon, Austin, Sister and all the rest. Thanks for keeping me calm and focused with your wise words. Gigglebox, yes we are all learning- day by day. Keep up the positive words. Thanks
Owl and fox - I am learning... I am learning... I am only responsible for my actions and my own reactions... and I mess up frequently... but I pray and press on!
As for critics, who needs em? It is easy to point fingers and be quick to judge til your in their shoes..
It's a shame people criticize and they don't even know what they are talking about. But who knows one day they may have to walk a million miles in your shoes and I bet you without blinking an eye will have their loved one in a nursing home lickety split LOL
I forgot one thing: caregiving is about love, faith, and hope. Even when reason tells you not to. When I took care of my mother for 5 years, a couple of times I felt this strange need to turn her over my knees and spank her. Once I told my sisters I should be canonized for the sacrifices I made, but soon realized I had to get off the Cross. Someone else needs the wood. Most of the time, however, I thought about regular visits with my shrink just to hang on to the little sanity I had left.
Although I ranted and raved so much even the pitbulls didn't want to be near me, I got informed and involved with the caregiving community and took what I wanted to get what I needed from every recipe, advise, and philosophy to tailor my own and figure out what worked for me. In the end, the constant pursuit of knowledge led me to enough wisdom, objectivity, and the ability to control my emotions.
There's no cookie-cutter formula for the kind of work that we do because every person is unique and their needs, although similar, are unique as well. So we have to have a passion that must be rekindled every now and then. We must also be flexible, resilient, mentally balanced, and possess the desire to want to be a better man, woman, and human being. It's the closest we'll ever get to sainthood.
Often it's because the roles are reversed. Some parents take it fairly well when their offspring say things such as "Now it's time for me to take care of you," or "I'll give you a hand until you get back on your feet" and gently place a kiss on their forehead. Other parents resort to crude, crass, and obscene language and behavior as a way to reassert their power and control. They might apologize and promise not to do it again; but eventually they do. Feeding into it only perpetuates the situation as the parent becomes more and more defensive. The ensuing battle of wills escalates, and caregivers might blurt out something like "I wish you'd hurry up and die so I can get on with my life." Rather than being a duke or duchess of discipline, try a mixture of collaborative owl and compromising fox. If that doesn't work, find a harmless solution that s/he can't refuse and mean it if only to remind them who's in charge. Good luck.
My thoughts n prayers are with all of you - I didn't get a chance to get on the computer yesterday and I see that I missed quite a few postings n stories. What I see is a group of caregivers with big loving hearts who have their faith in God to keep them going! Our parents may have abused us physically or mentally - we may have dealt with much as kids, but now WE ARE PARENTING OUR PARENTS... AND WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS. ONLY GOD WILL NEVER FORSAKE US..as long as we seek His will - He will works things out for us! We need to head HIS ADVICE only despite what our parents taught us.
Cmarlein, I think that you need to find a home - you need the peace n quiet and less stress.. I have been criticized for putting my dad in a nursing home by one of his former neighbors... I asked her WOULD YOU WANT HIM LIVING WITH YOU? Enough said - point taken... He has always been rude, crude and obnoxious - that is just the way he was raised.. and dementia just makes it worse. With two kids, I didn't want the drama! It's enough and he is in a nursing home... only I go visit him b/c of the drama... I pray for you!
It certainly is difficult when the person you are caring for is short-tempered with you, the caregiver, who is doing so much for them...I am seeing this more and more. I care for my mother (78 and dementia is progressing, also physically unable to care for herself...needs assistance with getting up, down, to the bathroom and out of bed and with dressing). And yet, when mom is with my siblings, or meeting our friends, she is sweet and lovely, her "real" self...If I point this out to her she is baffled and doesn't know what I mean. I really try to see her perspective, but is increasingly difficult to love her the way I once did. She has lived with my family for a year and a half...we are all tired. My teenage sons keep to their rooms SO much...they don't want to watch "Family Feud" one more time...I love mom, but we are currently looking for assisted or nursing homes for her care as we are quite frankly, overwhelmed...I keep hemming and hawing about it, but my husband has his mind made up and I am feeling that it is necessary for the health of my marriage and our relationship with our children. I want the very best for my mom, so choosing a home will be very difficult...already looked at the 2 closest and both are ok, but not exactly what I had in mind. On her "bad days" as in yesterday, when she was having a tantrum and yelling at me and her visiting angel companion "JUST LET ME DIE...WHY DO YOU KEEP ME ALIVE??"...I'm convinced that it is time for help...other times, when she thanks me for caring for her...less often these days, I feel like I can never place her...ugh....Dementia is a terrible disease that robs you of the one you love....Good luck and peace to all those out there caring for a parent or loved one with dementia.
Well I look at it this way. Each child is born with a clean slate. What we write on our slate within our lifetime will be judged. The Lord says ALL will be judged. not all will go to heaven. My mother says she will go to heaven because she was taught as a child and still remembers so she doesn't ned to go to church to worship God as he has commanded, she doesn't need to take communion as Jesus said so this in rememberance of me. She will be very surprised. Take care of them to the best of our ability because God says honor they father and mother, He doesn't say honor them only if they have been good to you. So I do what the Lord expects leave my worries at his doorstep and if my mother wants to be hateful to my son he is now a man and has my permission to reply in any manner he sees fit as long as he isn't hateful back and thats what he does. We talk and I told him that is the only mother Ihave so I can't help she isn't the kind of mother I wanted or like his mother he understands and is very kind and helpful to me one of my favorite sayings is" the proof is in the pudding. I am going to be the best me I can be because I have to answer to my Lord, My mother who knows everything will have to answer as well and boy does she have a lot to answer to. I asked my elder at church when my father died is it okay to pray for leianancy for my father he said absolutely but he won't get to heaven. We are only responsible for our own actions. Now when my son was youngeer 13 thru 16 I took care of my MIL she had several diseases working against her and she wasn't the nicest person in the world either, I think that generation got a dose of something that made them all weird,, anyway if she would walk across the room with her walker and my sone was laying on the floor watching tv she would walk out of her way to hit him with her walker and I would jump on her everytime and everytime she'd say I was just playing so I would tell her to find another way to play or I would take the walker away from her. It finally sunk in she did other things to my son to and once when he was 16 she came out around 4 in the morning and hit him over the head with a spatula and told him to get the hell out of her house, He picked her up put her on the front porch and locked the door, 1/2 hour later he went out and said don't ever do that to me again I gave up my room for you and if you do it again I'm taking my room back and you can sleep on the sofa, she didn't LOL
Wow, talk about a mixed blessing?!? Hmmm. I count many, too. Just cuz we learned right from wrong, doesn't mean things always turn out right. But what about our elderly, once abusive, once neglectful, now vulnerable and needy elders? Hmmmmmm.
well beleive it or not I learned all the good things I needed to know because #1 I stayed with my grandmothers until I was 6 and old enough to do housework and scrub floors sometimes I feel like shirley temple without the happy ending.LOL but from watching them I knew I didn't want to be like them there was sonething just not right. I just found out a few weeks ago it has a name nacissim and my father was an alcoholic so I am sure both their frustrations were taken out on their kids thus two have nothing to do with my mother my father died 2 years ago and i took care of him to. I just have this heart that is too big for my body but I'd rather be me than either one of them anyday. But I was beaten and verbally abused enough to know the difference between right and wrong so I thank them both for that.
Apparently the court system aims to give them what they want, even if they lack judgment. I am "beside myself" as a dear lady said recently. Wish I could talk to her now; hopefully soon. But, God has given me lots of wonderful friends. I think I'll go spend some time with some of them.
Neon, thank you, dear one. Unfortunately, my Mom never gave me very much good advice; maybe a few good examples, but many more poor examples. Same with Dad. Have felt so alone for so long. But when my father and mother forsake me, the LORD shall take me up. Oh, how I need him now, in the valley.
I wonder if that's how our elders feel? They say and do such strange things. What are they thinking? Do emotions take over rational thought? Seems insane to me. Oh, God, and they say it runs in families... Seems it's in the government and court systems, too. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! I know this post cannot sound good.
You are right and mother is wrong, funny how the children do get it and the parents never will must be the generation. They never take their own advice they gave us at once upon a time.
Sure wish my Mom decided to continue taking her Zoloft, and her anti-anxiety medication. At least we got her off the long-term (51 years) use of prescription narcotics, for the time being...till the new Guardian takes over, and she starts shopping doctors again. When we have done the best we can, what choice do we have but to let go, and trust God? Too bad for me I didn't start there! He's still in control, though, despite the idea that mother thinks she is.
Cheese, my mother didn't respond to all my efforts at all until she got on Zoloft to give her spirits a lift. Then my efforts "stuck." Might be worth a try for the father in the nursing home.
yes I agree than with all the time on their hand not doing anything they think and think about gietting their own place which I surely understand but their health will not permit it but they think they are fine. its a vicious circle.
Alzgiver sounds pretty smart as well.. never thought of it that way. Dependency resentment... when my mother died, my father gave up, saying "who's gonna take care of me now?" He KNEW that I had my hands full with kids and family but he also knew that I was here... I am doing the best I can... I hated putting him in a nursing home, but it was HIS decision.. and he likes it there from what I can tell b/c he is getting waited on. He went in for rehab only but wouldn't do the therapy.. so there he sits and dementia is setting in. And he misses my mom, too, I know. So there is some truth to that - depression and dementia seem to go hand in hand, don't they? It's like you give up, your mind gives up...
To the original poster, there is something a parenting expert pointed out about teenagers, who were nice kids but turned ugly when the grew into teenagers: dependency resentment. And the parents have done SO MUCH to keep the teen safe and healthy and gadgeted. So they try harder or try a different approach.
Makes perfect sense a senior would have this reaction as well. I probably would myself. A teenager knows, however, that within a few years they are expected to fly the coop and be on their own. With a senior, they'd sense the only relief is death, with a few stops at hospitals and nursing homes.
yes it is a nasty disease I took care of my mother in law years ago with alzheimers throw in some diabetes mini strokes and a heart condition and an attitude that would run off a wrestler, the one thing you really have to learn to do and it is very hard to learn it is do not take it personally. half the time they don't even know what they are doing. I speak from experience. Please learn to do that it will save you a lot of stress.
A good question indeed! My m-i-l is the sweetest woman, but this Alzheimer's is an UGLY disease. She says one minute, Thank You for helping me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you around. Then, the next minute--Don't do this! Don't do that! Everytime she does that, she knocks me down one more peg to not feeling like taking care of her. So it's a notch up, then a notch or two down. This disease is just UGLY. Luckily, I have my s-i-l, who takes her o/n once a week, maybe two times a week or else I couldn't do this. She'd be in a nursing home already if it weren't for my s-i-l. Right now, she's got some sort of infection--not a yeast infection--she got a PAP SMEAR done yesterday and all clean down there. Blood either comes out in the toilet or on the tissue and it's not from the rectum. There are Kidney Problems that run in her family. So, we're thinking it could be a kidney infection or bladder infection.
Again, WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN ACTIONS AND REACTIONS! We cannot help what our parents were and now are and we need to do better, not just vow to do better, but to be better! We are NOT our parents.. we are God's children, adopted into His loving family.. that alone gives me comfort and helps me to press on, despite circumstances. Neonwocky said it well - we do the best that we can in taking care of them and the rest is up to them. I am praying that my dad will get out of his room today - veteran's day.. but I cannot be there b/c I have a sick child at home with me. We are all there - we all have our stories!
Good post, Gigglebox. I cringe at what my child has seen from his "loved ones," and how he and his Mom and Dad are treated by my parents at times. We try to shield them, but mean people and attitudes are pervasive in this family. Distance was the best policy until they needed help. Now they think we're they are their personal possessions to order about, unappreciatively, and do whatever they say, when they demand it, regardless of how that affects our marriage, family life, or child. It's a crying shame; still we provide for their needs to best we can. The atmosphere is not conducive to any positive outcome, as they bite the hand that feeds them.
Still, we forgive, and keep trying to do what's right, despite their criticism, complaints and anger. Tough love has taken on a new level of meaning, and somedays, I just don't feel so tough. And some days we struggle under the weight of it. The reward comes from knowing we do this because we care, regardless of the outcome or response. Thank God for those who do appreciate what we do, who make giving to others a joy-filled experience. Almost makes up for our parent's meanness.
I attend all my mothers appointments to she isn't pulling anything over on him because I won't let her. He knows she isn't listening to him so he suggested to her that she only had to come in every 6 months instead of three because if she isn't going to do what he tells her she needs to do he can't really help her, but mom has always known more than anyone its a shame she never put any of that knwledge to use.
As to the original question we are the closest to them, when dad was alive she did it to him now its my turn the other siblings could care less what goes on if I tell my sister something she either ignores it or breezes right past it so don't tell her much of anything anymore. I do the best I can for my mother and the rest is up to her, yesterday was her birthday and she did thank me for a nice day but continued to stay in her room and would not come out for ice cream and cake?? but I knew that when I suggested she come with me sat to thank all the people who sent her birthday cards she automatically went into her pain routine. amazing how convienent that can be. but it is what it is and i know longer expect anything from her I just do what I would for any on e I love give or take something and thats all I can do is make her as happy as she wants to be and thats the key she likes to have pity parties and I alway say no to that invitation.
Amy, just read your post - I don't take my kids to visit my dad at the nursing home for fear of that... when he was home, he yelled at them like slaves - take out the trash, pick up, do this, do that... and perhaps your mom was acting ugly.. I know that my dad sure does... and my kids have seen a lot.. One time I recall my kids saying, MOM, YOU KNOW HOW THE BIBLE SAYS TO TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED??? WELL, DOES GRANPA WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP!??? enough said! LOL! You gotta laugh to keep from crying and press on!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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Foot massage machine. Great idea. Will look for one this week! Thanks.
You could get her a foot massage unit, with infrared. Something to give her some relief if shoes are not found.
As for critics, who needs em? It is easy to point fingers and be quick to judge til your in their shoes..
Although I ranted and raved so much even the pitbulls didn't want to be near me, I got informed and involved with the caregiving community and took what I wanted to get what I needed from every recipe, advise, and philosophy to tailor my own and figure out what worked for me. In the end, the constant pursuit of knowledge led me to enough wisdom, objectivity, and the ability to control my emotions.
There's no cookie-cutter formula for the kind of work that we do because every person is unique and their needs, although similar, are unique as well. So we have to have a passion that must be rekindled every now and then. We must also be flexible, resilient, mentally balanced, and possess the desire to want to be a better man, woman, and human being. It's the closest we'll ever get to sainthood.
Cmarlein, I think that you need to find a home - you need the peace n quiet and less stress.. I have been criticized for putting my dad in a nursing home by one of his former neighbors... I asked her WOULD YOU WANT HIM LIVING WITH YOU? Enough said - point taken... He has always been rude, crude and obnoxious - that is just the way he was raised.. and dementia just makes it worse. With two kids, I didn't want the drama! It's enough and he is in a nursing home... only I go visit him b/c of the drama... I pray for you!
Neon, thank you, dear one. Unfortunately, my Mom never gave me very much good advice; maybe a few good examples, but many more poor examples. Same with Dad. Have felt so alone for so long. But when my father and mother forsake me, the LORD shall take me up. Oh, how I need him now, in the valley.
I wonder if that's how our elders feel? They say and do such strange things. What are they thinking? Do emotions take over rational thought? Seems insane to me. Oh, God, and they say it runs in families... Seems it's in the government and court systems, too. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! I know this post cannot sound good.
Makes perfect sense a senior would have this reaction as well. I probably would myself. A teenager knows, however, that within a few years they are expected to fly the coop and be on their own. With a senior, they'd sense the only relief is death, with a few stops at hospitals and nursing homes.
Still, we forgive, and keep trying to do what's right, despite their criticism, complaints and anger. Tough love has taken on a new level of meaning, and somedays, I just don't feel so tough. And some days we struggle under the weight of it. The reward comes from knowing we do this because we care, regardless of the outcome or response. Thank God for those who do appreciate what we do, who make giving to others a joy-filled experience. Almost makes up for our parent's meanness.
As to the original question we are the closest to them, when dad was alive she did it to him now its my turn the other siblings could care less what goes on if I tell my sister something she either ignores it or breezes right past it so don't tell her much of anything anymore. I do the best I can for my mother and the rest is up to her, yesterday was her birthday and she did thank me for a nice day but continued to stay in her room and would not come out for ice cream and cake?? but I knew that when I suggested she come with me sat to thank all the people who sent her birthday cards she automatically went into her pain routine. amazing how convienent that can be. but it is what it is and i know longer expect anything from her I just do what I would for any on e I love give or take something and thats all I can do is make her as happy as she wants to be and thats the key she likes to have pity parties and I alway say no to that invitation.