Does anyone know why the "whipping post/scapegoat" child so often becomes the narcissist's caregiver? Even when they do not get on as well?

Excellent post that resonated with me as I am the whipping post child of a narc mother. I don't have any answers but have greatly appreciated what I learned by reading comments.

In my own situation, my siblings are not necessarily "golden children", OK one is for some reason. But even he tells my mom that she treats ME like a whipping post. He used those very words.

I guess like others have said, while this may be the case we have the power to control this. As Ann Landers once said (Or was it Dear Abby) no one can take advantage of you without their permission.

Must be something in me and others that feel the need to please the narc parent.

I haven't read any of the other replies yet, but my answer is -- because, subconsciously, we believe that this ultimate giving of ourselves will prove that we are worthy of their love.
Living far away from Mother for over 30 years with one week visits once a year, and then taking her on 24/7/365, helped me to realize that her version of love and mine are very different. I understand now that she has narcissistic tendencies. Covert narcissistic personality. And that this was a learned behavior, so probably her mother taught her. Makes me sad, because this is normal to her. It took me moving 600 miles away to break the cycle. But still, my wounded child self occasionally seeks approval and empathy from someone incapable of genuinely reciprocating.

Your husband is a wonderful man with a kind heart and sensitive soul. It's likely as unfun for him as it is for you and your brother, and he's being the adult and taking responsibility, like a quiet hero... it's to your benifit. And I was definitely the family scapegoat, and unconditionally served a very long stretch caregiving. I struggled with it for a long time, and decided I could live with myself for doing what I felt in my conscience was the right thing to do, even when being battered and trashed. I still stayed gentle and kind. It was totally depleting in every respect, but now it is over. My intention now is to be as good to me, and move myself to the top of my caregiving list.

Perhaps it takes one to know one?

You are their caregiver because you keep thinking your parent might see all the good things you are doing and then finally realize you are a good person and finally stop being so mean to you. It sadly does not change anything though. Many of us here have walked the same path and made various choices as a result.

Helen, as my therapist always said "why do you continue to hold any expectation that things will ever change?" Sounds harsh in writing, to be sure; but she said it in a completely supportive and gentle way (no criticism, just factually), and educated me on the nature of being the family 'scapegoat' or 'black-sheep', and she continued for years to have patience with me while I SLOWLY absorbed the teaching of that truth. I now fully accept that NOTHING I do will change their attitude or behavior toward me--because it never was about me--my existence (my role) serves their own neurotic needs and fears. This hurt like hell, but less and less as time goes on, and has allowed room for me to recognize that acceptance is freedom and space to (at 65) finally, really, learn who I truly am--including my own neurotic needs and fears, ha! But I will never project them onto another human; this knowledge brings me peace and comfort, and gives me new space to grow : ) I wish everybody here who shares their experiences here with being the scapegoat and dealing with the 'can-do-no-wrong' sibling peace and my support. (That sib, naturally, uses and abuses that role that is completely unearned; but that's her inventory, not mine!)

The scapegoat child is groomed to serve the narcissistic parent. The child is made to feel he/she doesn't deserve boundaries and is easily used. If the child sooner or later recognizes how she's been wronged and stands up for herself, the narcissist suffers a narcissistic injury and lashes out to punish them. It's awfully hard on the child. Sometimes the punishment lasts a lifetime, but to me it was worth it.

Becoming my mother's caregiver and being the "scapegoat child", has given me the power I never had as a child. My mother was not a good mother, but she was a good father, as a single parent. All three of her children were neglected in one way or another. Being the baby, with a different and abusive father, made me the left over who was abused by mother, sister and brother.

But, now I have been able to let my mother know that if she ever yelled at me again and didn't treat me as an equal adult, I would simply leave. She actually realized she was wrong. The yelling stopped. Then, I was able to tell my sister, "You have no right to tell me how to do anything here." Then, I just ignore my "golden child" brother, who prefers it that way, because he wants no responsibility for our mother's welfare.

I needed to change the script and being my mother's caregiver has given me the power. Power to my right to self-determination. It has also helped me to realize how I was the one who was manipulated, neglected, abused, and I am a good person. Now, I don't dislike myself like I had for most of my life. I have also learned that even though my mother was not a good mother, she was a pretty wonderful dad.

There are fiduciaries who do this work and are paid for it. If there are the funds, I suggest that is what is done.
Now as to the answer of why? It's terribly easy psychologically. All children take on ROLES in survival when there is bad parenting. This child took on the role of martyrdom in hopes of hearing "You are my ONLY child, you are my BEST child; I don't know what I would do without you; I love you so much". Of course that doesn't happen. We tell the world who we are. The world believes us. If we assign ourself the self-flagelant's role, the world will happily watch us whip ourselves just for their entertainment.

My experience was the golden child became narcissistic like my parents. He never had that much feelings for them unless it met his needs. I was not treated as he was but I think one of the things suffering did for me growing up was to develop feelings for people. I took care of my mom because I could not. One of the gifts my mom gave me after being with her for several years was to tell me that I was raised in a home with 3 narcissistic family members. Herself, my father and my brother. And she said they all took their rage out on me. It helped to hear her say it out loud.Bottomline is finding the sacred balance of providing enough help for her without doing too much either. And your husband is helping either one of you by doing things for her when it is manipulative. Otherwise you would be able to do it.
Take Care of you, it can be a long journey.

I unfortunately see this with my SIL and her sons. She hates her older son because he has his father’s stature and dark hair. Favored the younger son because he looked more like her siblings. Moved away from and cut off all family except for her father when boys were 10 & 12. Since the boys became adults we have had minimal contact with them trying to rebuild a relationship. Both still lived with Mom and were responsible to work and support her. Younger son finally got away about a year ago. Met a nice girl and is helping raise her daughter. They live about 15 minutes from us now and almost an hour away from Mom. Yesterday was his 28th birthday and they came for a swim. I made dinner and a cake, he was thrilled, 1st time since he was 13 that he had a birthday cake! His brother came, 1st time in almost 4 years that we’d seen him. He seems stuck. Stuck with Mom who will not leave the house. Hopeful that reconnecting with us and seeing the life his brother is building will give him the vision of what he can have. I feel bad that SIL does not have the life that she could have had but she refuses all help. My husband had been her support system for years but the crazy stories she told and the calling and yelling at all hours became too much and he cut her off for the sake of our own family.

Just a thought. From what I have read in this post and many of the comments I am thinking what we are seeing here is a matter of boundaries. Those of you who are parents, children often push the limits with their parents. Children will often times do things that they know are wrong just to see how you will react. In fact, some psychologists say that children sometimes do this not because they want to do something they know they should not but they want to see if the parent will step in and do something if they do what they know they should not. They are pushing their parents boundaries as a way of testing them to see if the parent cares enough to stop them. Children sometimes test the parents boundaries as a way of testing the parents love for them.

I am in no way comparing seniors to children, but what I am saying is that this situation looks to me like your mom is testing you. If that situation happened with my mom I would talk to her about what I can and cannot do (my boundaries). You said that your mom is in pretty good health, so she does not have a dementia that would explain this behavior. Once you set your boundaries with her stick to them, if you don't then the problem is you not her. Let her know that you can talk to the assisted living facility and arrange for service that you are not able to provide, so she has everything she needs.

Bottom line: You deserve and have a right to put you and your family first! Too many couples/families are ruined by an aging parent taking over their lives with unreasonable demands placed on a child.

If you don't set healthy boundaries with your mom you will end up resenting her for what happens. Get control of your life back and then you will be able to enjoy the time you do spend with your mom.

I am a Geriatric Case manager who specializes in long-term care issues and I am a dementia specialist. I see this situation play out often with parents and their children and the children who are able to set reasonable boundaries with their parents are the ones who do well. If you set the boundaries and don't follow through with them you are back to square one!

The role of scapegoat has lots of different implications. Without knowing more about what you mean by that I can only guess, but it may be that she felt she could push you around more, and that you would acquiesce to her demands more.
You will need to learn boundaries, not just emotional separation, and there is a difference. One is healthy for you. The other is not.

Perhaps the scapegoat child gets sucked into it because they are finally getting the attention the other sibling got for so long. Also, the scapegoat child kept quiet all those years or avoided conflict. That is the perfect situation when the parent needs more from someone. They look around for the one child who will accept the load without complaint.

Why does it create an emotional toll on you for things your husband does for mom? If he is complaining, then help him create boundaries for mom. Clearly evaluate what she can do on her own and stop doing those things. You are creating an invalid. Every time you do one task for her, it becomes yours and eventually she really won't be able to do it. If she can walk, she gets up to go get what she wants. If she can wash and fold clothes, it is exercise to continue doing so. If she's not good with finances, then take it over for her. Tell her why she must do for herself. The less we do today is what we cannot do in a month.

"mother decided out of the blue to move to AL near us, and has expected us to take over running her life for her"

My sister arrived in a wheelchair taxi to a family event but didn't bring an aide. Assumed family would push her chair, cut her food, assist in the bathroom. (Family always helped before when she walked & was independant with bathroom but now functional decline). I had already said no, bring an aide. But there she was.

It's like your Mother arrived & did the same - but to your whole life, not just a lunch!

I think it riled me so much because there was no request. Just assumption. Just pushed everything onto her chosen helper.

So like you I forced more home help & that was rebuked but now successful. Basically I promoted myself from cleaner, maid (the rest..) to only driver for medical appointments. Until one week there was doctor, dentist, x-ray & podiatrist. I found I was living HER life. What happened to mine?? I sought advice which was to reduce to ONE day a week. Whatever doesn't fit - too bad - would be her problem. But easier said than done! Extra dental/doctor apt, a fall, taxi no show - always something.

So time to reassess the bigger picture. A review of total needs. Diagnosis? Living arrangements no longer meeting her needs. AL was recommended by Doctor at an arranged casual chat. (Still haven't got a more formal assessment done but will be broached as 'seeing what help would be useful for you').

I think maybe that's an issue here too. Mother can't actually be very independant where she is so leaning heavily on family. Not just for practical stuff either. Seems to have placed all responsibility for her social & emotional needs on them too. That's what's so crushing! If you say no, this won't stop as her needs are still there.

So to end my waffle, I'd say go for a chat with the Doctor about a needs assessment. Mum may be a long way from NH care but need more that her current AL. A continuum care/aging in place type with more services & social groups provided. With physio to learn how to push her wheelchair short distances - if that's a permanent part of her life now this will be a big adjustment, so councelling too. Somewhere that meets more of her needs.

It sounds like your mother has more confidence in a man "taking care of her" than a woman. When your husband retired and became more available, she may have taken the opportunity to move then to be close to someone available.

Does your husband resent the current situation?

I saw this in the way my grandmother was with my mother and uncle. My mom was the scapegoat and my grandmother piled all the responsibilities and demands on her, then complained that she wasn’t good enough. When my uncle came around, my grandmother pretended everything was fine and that she didn’t need any help from him. She would act so sick, pitiful and helpless for us, like she was on her deathbed, then would perk up and be the life of the party if my uncle came over. Like a miracle occurred!
I think it was that part of being the golden child is that they should never be asked to do anything, their very existence is enough. Whereas the scapegoat must be constantly doing to prove their worth.
I am an only child so I am almost always the scapegoat but on rare occasions the golden child. But even when I am the scapegoat—which now means I am abusing and stealing from her—I am expected to provide constant care and attention. Fortunately she is in MC now so I do I have to provide much at all, and can end the visit (FaceTime) when the accusations get too bad. Since your mom is in AL, I expect that a lot of her care is being provided and you can direct her back to the facility for some of her demands. You can just say no. It is a complete sentence.
Good luck. Narcissistic parents are always difficult and their aging makes it no easier.

I found this video interesting. The information can be translated to any person or relationship involving a narcissist. Be aware if you watch it, it's really an overview for an online program. Which may be a great program, I may look into it further. I found it helpful anyway. One big takeaway being you can't change a narcissist, he/she will never see themselves as such. The changes come within us. Once they do, it's not as rewarding for the narcissist to play with us. Boundaries. https://youtu.be/FerdDjP0OCc

Because the Golden Child turns into another narcissist and they are definitely not going to be the one taking care of their parents.

If you haven't done so already, you really need to start working on boundaries. Getting therapy can help as well. Since you're academic, I'd suggest reading books on the impact of personality disorders on both the person having them and children of parents with personality disorders.

It is extremely typical for narcissists to sow division by splitting where in a pair of people, one is good and the other becomes the bad guy. Similarly, triangulated communication is another tool of manipulation to drive a wedge between the two of you. Do not allow your mother to do this. Get those boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage.

The child who allowed themselves to be treated last, or was always to blame if the day wasn't perfect, just because they could take the blame without holding a grudge, is the only person fit to continue that role. They call people who are selfish, self-absorbed, and back stabbing, liars, Narcissists now. I had a name for members of my family, it wasn't narcissist, I didn't know that name or it's meaning back then. I had a family full of deceivers, and deceiver's don't like truth, deceiver's use deception to get what they want, to make people believe the lies they tell, and when truth in the form of a family member is around, they can't deceive in your presence. Thus, the deceiver's begin spreading doubt about the family member who just is about truth and facts, they become friends with your friends, and that damn cell phone is the deceivers most important weapon. They take down any and everyone's phone number, they then can call, text and lie to your friends, family, hell anyone who will listen to them. As long as they can paint the person telling the truth as a drug addict, a drunk, bi-polar, just bad news or whatever they have to say to create doubt in the little minds of people who just don't use their own brains, the deceiver can do what they do best. My family was pretty normal for a while, but one sibling found out that deceiving allowed her to steal from Peter to pay Paul, borrow, as long as she rode her deceit and never allowed Truth to be taken seriously, she could continue. My family started to believe the lies, and little by little they began to deceive and play the game. Deceiver's don't like truth, they can't allow truth to be heard, and they have to keep it out of their lives. So, as you call yourself the Scapegoat, and many of us are, we just allow it, and go on helping and hoping that we will someday be given the credit we earned. That day may or may not come. You are programmed and raised to do for the very people who do not wish you well in life, but we the people who are given the task of caring for a parent in the time of their life when they can't do for themselves, are not going to take insults, arguing, bad mouthing, or just plain nasty behavior personal, as an end all to our caring for them. We won't be like your brother, I'm guessing, or my family, that couldn't fathom caring for our parents in any way other than to give them a ride to the store. Any one of my siblings would walk out and never look back, leaving my mother on the floor if she fell, in her soaked pajamas, unable to get out of her chair without being lifted to her feet, and hungry because the deceiver she asked to help her left her alone. The day my mother died, I didn't have a car, she was in a hospice and she wasn't supposed to be, they took her oxygen off of her, they took her heart medicine, diabetes, all her meds were taken from her, and she was given pain medicine and sleeping meds, only. My one sibling made that decision without my knowledge, I was deceived into believing that my mother was coming home, and just needed a day or two to get her oxygen up to an acceptable level. Two days without any oxygen, my mother passed away, and it states on the death certificate that she died due to lack of oxygen. I realized the extent my family would go to in thier deception was beyond anything I ever imagined. I also realized that these people who were wearing my sisters and brother's faces, were not my family, these people were heartless imposters who somehow took up my family's lives and gone were the siblings that I grew up with. In a way I guess I lost my mother, and my siblings all were dead to me as well. They can't do much more to me, killing my mother is not something I can ever get over, or forgive. It's just a bridge you can't cross. My brother told me that he was there and her only worry as she passed was for me, she wanted me. The imposters, the deceivers were left with the memory of my name spoken in the end

There are quite a few positives here:

Mum is not living in, Mum is not on the phone demanding to move in daily, Mum is not living in her car parked at your local grocery shop telling all you won't let her in (from a real post I kid you not!). Best of all, the golden guys, Brother & Husband know Mum's style & are not ganging up on you (as the 'girl') to be her #1 girl-everything.

Also on the good list is success breaking through Mum's 'only family will help me' mindset. With bad grace maybe, but accepted. I think it's a status thing. "My daughter will do it. (=she does what I say). "She does EVERYTHING for me". (=she loves me so much).

It's also a trust thing. Who can I trust? Daughter. Now she has to use her social skills to get others to work for her too. But using those social skills is better than losing them! Hearing loss & lack of social contact are two big risk factors for dementia. By accepting outside help she is actually reducing her dementia risk. Another good thing.

Sorry bit rambley... going to get coffee... your situation needs more than saying no more often I feel.

Creating and maintaining boundaries are for the one getting their toes stepped on... not for the one who is stomping on toes. Decide what you will and will not do and let others know. Then, do not allow others to step over your boundaries. Townsend and Cloud have wonderful books on boundaries that I find helpful when dealing with my mom.

This is from poster Margaret McKen, from another post:

"Just say that you won’t be able to continue with the jobs, answer the phone with ‘Sorry I have to go’, don’t visit, and let actions speak rather than words. "

It sounds like your mother needs a higher level of care if she is expected to take out her own recycling. This was the case when my mom was in Independent Living.

My mother, living in this lovely place at 5k per month, would call us about ants in the kitchen and burned out light bulbs. "Call the desk mom" we'd say and change the subject.

If my mother ever became unpleasant with me, I would hang up.

Helen, you don't need a reason to say no. Or if you really need a reason " I'm under doctors orders to reduce my commitments".

If you are a member of a family that doesn't respect your right to your own time, you have no need to explain it to them.

I KNOW that it is hard to say no. Keep working at this in therapy.

And, a movie recommendation? Now, Voyager. Bette Davis. A wonderful tale about a woman who liberates herself from her tyrannical, narcissistic mother. And other things.

Just because she lives close by does not mean you have to answer the phone.

Helen, you don't "suggest" that she do more for herself. YOU say, "No mother, I cannot possibly do that any longer".

If she needs help, she hires help.

We DON'T owe our parents. They are adults and were responsible for planning their old age. Children are not a retirement plan.

It's simple. They know they can push you around. It's an excellent time to make a list of the positive and negative aspects of your relationship. Be brutally honest. If you provide all the positivity and receive most of the negativity, don't be a caregiver. Let the favored child do it.

On the practical side, what help does actually Mum need?

She's in AL. Is it a full service type place? Eg meals, washing, cleaning, hairdressing, podiatry, Doctor appointments all provided?

Bills paid online. Could order new clothing (smalls etc) online. Even shoes.

Can she taxi on own to other appointments she may need?

What sort of 'busy work' is she needing?

My relative described herself as *independant* but clearly was not. The disability service had funding to help *build capacity* but some things just won't be achievable. So I thought why am I stressing out & burning out doing all that? She needs a different long term solution & more helpers, not just me. I'm not good at saying no either but am getting better! Each 'task' I asked 'what are you going to do about that?' Just keep asking her to solve her own problems.

If you suspect *capacity building* is achievable for your Mum to be more independant, you could put energy into that. But if not, deflect or delay her requests. Or outsource! You may find she says I'll just do it myself 😉

I always wondered what happens if strong personality/demanding people had children that moved too far away? Now I know... they follow them!

Like others, firm boundaries is all I can think of. The nice high, concrete reinforced wall type.

The tricky thing is if Husband says yes when Helenb says no - or if every weekend Husband now has Mother's job list as priority #1. How absolutely infuriating!

I'm having a think on this...

Let me tell you this: I distinctly remember being told OVER AND OVER again as a child that 'your mother is perfect. You never say anything bad about your mother, even if she is a drunken bum on the street. You tell everyone she is wonderful.' I was groomed from early childhood to idolize my mother and recognize how 'wonderful' and 'perfect' she was and to preach that word all over the world.

So I grew up feeling insecure. Imperfect. Never up to mother's standards. Always feeling the need to jump thru the fiery hoops to please the mother who would and could never BE pleased. To make mommy happy. To be the good girl who would make mommy proud. And that sort of brainwashing stays with a person throughout their life.

And, as an only child (lucky me), I was the only one around to take charge of my parents' lives as they aged and became ill. My dad was a great guy, but bullied and abused by my mother for 68 years. After he died 5 years ago next week, mother lost her main scapegoat and whipping post and turned all her anger and rage on ME.

So what I do is this: I set boundaries with my mother. I call her 6 evenings per week (she thinks I work full time, ha!) and my DH calls her the other day. We both go to visit her 1x per week for 20 minutes (it's a window visit right now at the Assisted Living Facility where she lives due to COVID19 restrictions) and that's it. I pay her bills, I run her life, I send emails make phone calls, arrange to have a tooth pulled, a doctor visit, order incontinence supplies, EVERYTHING. But on MY terms, from MY desk, at MY convenience. I make the rules and I stick to them like glue.

Otherwise, mother would invade what's left of my life with even MORE negative hostility, nastiness and BS in general.

Let your husband read these responses and then decide how to proceed with the situation accordingly.