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I have always been a crier when faced with frustration. Even on the phone when dealing with a billing problem, or trying to get information, I just start to cry. Right now, I am POA for my Dad who is 800 miles away and I just had him admitted to a nursing home against his will. I did fly back and met with siblings and an elder care attorney to get the ball rolling for one of them to file for guardianship. I also am supporting my husband who is in a crisis with severe chronic pain from fibromyalgia and severe depression (he is also bipolar). He looks like he is dying, and I am driving him for consultations, Doctor appt., physical therapy, the emergency room, and psychiatrist. Some of these are over a hundred miles away. When we get there and I try to describe what is happening (suicide statements, his extreme pain, his not being able to walk a few hundred feet), I always start crying. I feel like an idiot and probably look like a dysfunctional spouse. Any ideas on how to think and act like an adult rather than a needy child? I am even crying pretty hard while typing this. I really need to pull myself together to support those I love while they need me.

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Prairie Lake, I don't think it's unusual for people to cry when faced with monumental challenges and frustration.

Please know that I'm not asking this question out of a sense of superiority, just inquiring. Do you work, and if so, what is your profession? I've seen some women who stay at home and have less experience in the business world become frustrated more easily. Working for pay creates self confidence, and that is I think a major component of handling various types of challenges.

For billing questions, do you research the issues, develop plans for potential alternatives, and know what you want to say or what you want to accomplish?

Can you isolate the reason though that crying seems to occur? I.e., do you feel as though you're dealing with people with higher level medical education, you're intimidated, and you won't understand them? Do you feel some situations are life or time critical and you're pressured to make decisions of which you're uncertain?



If you can isolate the reason for crying, you might be able to focus on that and build up your resistance to specific stressors.

E.g., when my parents first developed cardiac and other issues, I relied totally on my sister's advice; she was a practicing RN. After her death, I was confronted with multiple complex issues, most of which required a decision by me. I was overwhelmed. So I looked to business experience and education, and made each issue a "class project."

I spent a lot of time online, getting good first level explanation articles (from sites like Mayo or Cleveland Clinic), studied them until I understood the issues and options, then discussed those with the medical team. The fact that I understood the basics at that point led them to segue into more complex issues, which I then researched as well.

I think that's an option that many other caregivers take.

Up until my father's death, I was still faced with issues about which I knew little, so I followed the same pattern of research and questioning.

I've found that if you use medical terminology, it establishes a certain level of rapport with medical personnel and they'll spend more time explaining issues and options. Otherwise, the basic assumption seems to be to simplify, with little real discussion at all of the issues.

I won't deny though that I still cry when I am overwhelmed, as I was when I knew my father was dying. But that response is a natural human one; I'm not sure I'd ever want to reach the point of not being able to cry to express my sorrow.

I think though that you should not be so hard on yourself, and recognize that your life is VERY challenging right now. The frustration level would be high, your anxiety is probably high as well b/c of the medical complications. And of course you're worried for your family.

Do you do anything for yourself? Anything relaxing? Some of us read; we can do that in hospitals and nursing homes. Walking, just being in nature, petting a soft animal, listening to music, aromatherapy are all means of relaxing as well.

Try to set aside some time, maybe even just 5 - 10 minutes per hour, and read a favorite magazine, look at gardening magazines or catalogues (as I do), listen to music - whatever "takes you away" - maybe Calgon if it's still around! If you have pets, spend some time just petting them; they'll soothe you, just as you become calmer by their presence.

I keep an empty jar of a magnificent creation by a formal herbal supplier. It has exotic substances - myrhh, frankincense, and more. Just inhaling a small "whiff" of it relaxes me. Sometimes I also take a jar of cinammon, cloves or nutmeg, if I'm going into a stressful situation. These spices remind me of apple pies and other apple treats, and the beauty and solemnity of fall.

When I go into the garden, I pick a sprig of lemon balm or mint and rub it until it deteriorates. These aromatherapy pickups really soothe a troubled soul.

You might try to find a CD of soothing sounds, such as harp music or waves breaking on a shoreline. If you have cable with mood music channels, listen to those. They're typically accompanied by beautiful scenes of nature, mountains, seas, and are very relaxing.


In reading and rereading your post, it seems as though you're faced with a lot of medical challenges and issues, but haven't identified a method of providing relief from them. I get the feeling you're "strung" as tightly as a guitar string. That's not a criticism, just an observation.

Next time you feel like crying, try some of the suggestions, and see if any help. I think if you can break up the medical and emotional challenges with respite, you might find that stress lessens and you won't cry as easily.
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Prairie, I have oft been a crier myself -- I never know when it's going to happen. What I do know, tho, is that I am still very functional while I'm crying. I used to do this sometimes during my career. I would simply say, "This is a hormonal issue and probably makes you more uncomfortable than it does me. Are you ok if we continue, or do you need to wait until this health issue subsides?" Ha ha -- throws everyone off! I say cry when you need to, and if it impedes your functioning, excuse yourself for a minute or several, then continue.
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I once burst into tears of rage in the middle of a school debate on vivisection. It was extremely humiliating, and I feel for you.

Write it down. It's the only way. Then sleep on it, revise your notes in the morning, cross out anything that is an adjective or an adverb unless they are there for strictly technical understanding. Rehearse.

If it's then not practical to communicate in writing, and you've no choice but to have spoken conversations, with a bit of luck you'll be so familiar with the material you're discussing that it will have lost some of its sharpness for you.

There's nothing with having an emotional response, you know. It doesn't make you wrong about the facts, or about anything else. The only trouble is when it gets in the way of communication - maybe keep reminding yourself that what you have to say is IMPORTANT, and see if that helps you to focus.
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PS I also once cried in front of a policeman who had stopped me for speeding ("so unfair!!!"). But I did it too late. If I'd thought to cry *before* he wrote the ticket I might just have got away with it. Dang..!
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CM, crying when stopped by law enforcement is definitely acceptable!
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I have been a crier since a particular day when I was advocating for humane treatment of animals at a local county board meeting. I started to go and it's been downhill ever since. I was in my 30s when that happened.

I'm a single woman and held professional corporate jobs my whole career. But I cry at the drop of a hat. I agree with just saying, "Look, this is an emotional issue for me but I'm fully in control of my mental faculties, just not my tear ducts." And keep going. If I told someone they had the option of waiting until I stopped, that would totally trigger me to keep crying, LOL. It's really embarrassing and frustrating sometimes. I cry at parades when military bands go by. I cry when a fire truck goes by and every driver pulls over to the side (it makes me cry that we all work together). I cry at commercials. Hardly a day goes by that I don't cry.

When my mom passed away, I was working and I only told two people at work because I knew if anyone mentioned it to me (even weeks later) I would dissolve into a puddle of tears. I wasn't distraught, just weepy, weepy, weepy. I think we'll live longer because we get those emotions out. I'd rather do that than bottle it up. I just think we're wired a little differently. And you have a HUGE amount of stressful things going on in your life right now. My advice? Keep calm and cry on. {{{Hugs}}}
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I read sometime ago that chemical tests of tears revealed some hormones (?) , compounds that are released during stressful periods. So, crying is good.
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Thank you, especially blannie. I am a professional with many years working with patients as a speech Language Pathologist. I have a lot of medical knowledge. I can stay calm and get through emergencies-like my child getting bit in the face by our dog. I seem to cry more quickly when I don’t think the other person is not hearing what I am saying. I stay very functional, I just cry. I have been to lots of counseling over the years, and I cry through them all.
I am like you blannie-listening to people singing the Star Spangled Banner even makes me cry. But right now I do feel like a tightly strung guitar string.
I like the idea that it is a good thing to cry-maybe that will help me to not try to stop, which will keep me from crying more. (Does any of that make any sense at all?)
Thank all of you for quick responses. You all helped me remember the things I need to do. Usually it is really hard exercise and then a relaxing time in the hot tub. I have not done that for a long time. So that is what I am going to do this evening.
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I tend to freeze in the spot in which I am/I was standing, my brain just goes blank, I shake and then, w/o realizing it, the tears just roll down my face. THIS happens, when someone has spoken to me in such a way, to shame/embaress me, belittle me, etc..FOR the person who feels those who work outside the home it happens to less..NOT TRUE..I worked outside the home for years..BUT,..not until we moved to the southern states did I ever have a reaction as Ive described. Bosses/Management/Supervisors are extremely cruel and insulting ...THEY do not take you aside in private to chew your butt..THEY do it in public, in front/around co-workers..etc. Ive had reverse discrimination done on me as well..while folks think its funny..its not. Ive had to quit a few jobs as I can NOT handle/take the cruelty, belittling, down grading/insults that the southern businesses/bosses expect ya too. Whats more..its also a ploy to get rid of ya lots of times...THat "right to work state" is just a phrase to allow the bosses to use/abuse/mistreat..their worker bees to the point of folks dont want to work for them..Sometimes.....I got so I preferred to be home in old age...and dog sit/walk for the neighbors..Least there, Im treated and spoken too, like decent human being..not a piece of garbage etc..as the southern states/bosses are allowed to get away with..Board of Labor you say to report it? LMAO..yeah right..been there, done that..was told.."this is a right to work common wealth..employers can do as they please and get away with it.."...Between this kind of treatment...and getting screwed on taxes..is why I elected to stay home in old age...
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I don't cry , ever. And I would give anything if I could. Sometimes I try very hard because I need to. But I get a splitting head ache and have trouble talking but I can not cry as much as I need to. So cry on and be very happy you can. My sister doesn't either.
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I dissociate. I came from a troubled family and very early on I was an extremely quiet, non-entity of a passive observer. I slowly taught myself to imagine a goal or how I'd like to manipulate a situation. Then I'd put my emotions into a "secret place" and proceed to go "on stage as a chosen character." Everyone here has responded about the helpfulness of preparation. As a dissociated character actor, such preparation is mandatory!

I don't know why but I was able to pull off a successful career and tons of family stress that way. At 65, I do seem to paying a little price with identity problems (that's an attempt at humor, it really isn't funny though to begin differentiating my real self at 65). It isn't possible for me to get through the kind of immense stress, tragedies and life witnessing that you are dealing with, without reverting to my childhood coping mechanism -- acting. I am slowly learning to become aware when I am acting, and to make a choice.
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It sounds to me like you are under a tremendous amount of stress. Of course you are crying. Is there a therapist or support group or even close friends whom you could confide in and could give you an objective listening ear? That has always helped me in times of major stress.
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I am also a crier, although mainly in private. I think growing up as the little sister of older teasing brothers helped/forced me develop composure. What doesn't kill us does make us stronger - eventually. I had a beautiful voice as a young child and was encouraged to perform solos in church beginning around age 8. Learning to control my fear so that it didn't reflect in my voice developed a type of composure too. Singing has breathing exercises that also are good at reducing immediate stress levels - taking deep breaths to the bottom of your lungs where you feel the diaphragm pushing into your abdomen and taking deep breaths and holding them for a few seconds then slowly expelling the air work the best for me. I often retreat to a private office or empty conference room and perform these exercises just prior to meetings or training sessions where I'm going to be a featured speaker.

If time allows, consider writing down your descriptions of your husband's problems. You can cry buckets during the writing but probably be dry eyed when you hand it to the doctor. While the doctor reads, try to retreat in your mind for a few seconds to some amusing/happy memory. I'm so grateful for the young children in my life that have provided many of these memories. Pets have been good sources too.

My work often requires problem analysis and what I think of as puzzle solving (we want to X these are our resources, how to we make that happen). Because of that I have developed an analytical thinking mode where my concentration is very focused on the facts. I find many difficult discussions much easier when I can engage that analytical mode. Researching the topic before hand and "interviewing" the doctor/nurse/therapist for additional information helps me stay in the zone. Using a "checklist" of topics I want to discuss also helps me stay in analytic mode.

I agree with other posters that being stressed out (and you have plenty on your plate to easily achieve that state) makes containing the crying much harder. Please try to find a couple of ways you can relieve your stress daily - even if only for a couple of minutes here and there.

God Bless you.
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Dear PrairieLake,
I am a woman, a doctor, a Mom, and even after over forty years working outside of the home, I cry pretty easily. When my life is overflowing with the responsibility to care for my loved ones, as is sounds as if you are experiencing right now, I cry in the shower. When it gets really bad I make an appointment with a friend, my physician, or another confidant to get some of the pressure off of my chest. Sometimes if you can just tell someone else it helps. Over the years, I have realized that crying is really a gift. Crying is very cathartic for me. I am thankful when I can cry. I hope you can find a way to give yourself permission to cry, you deserve it. Hang in there.
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The only way I can cope with this is to write everything down. Then when my mind flies towards tears i can concentrate on the words before me. I even write things to encourage me like 'you are alright, you can do this... calm down and breathe' . Stuff like that. Perhaps practice breathing to calm ... discover why you react this way to authority- mine was abuse. - I apologize prior to speaking saying I have a speech impediment and to be patient - yes i even write that down to concentrate on the words, not my growing anxiety.. I have then had the people react towards me with compassion and omg that helps!!
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I cry interiorly and for goodness sake, you have a plate full of problems. Cut yourself some slack. You are overwhelmed as many of us are and you have to be a pillar of steel not to break at times. As my young son once said when he was little, "put one step in front of another" and keep on walking. Sounded cute when he was only 3 but boy, it's a powerful motto to live by. Hang in there. One day, you will wake up and there won't be anymore tears.
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Remind yourself that tears are strength. Then, instead of trying to do away with this important outlet for frustration, work on managing it. Years ago, I had a loved one die vary suddenly. For months, I found myself brought to at inopportune times. My solution was to set aside a few minutes, alone in a room, to intentionally pull up those feelings and have a really good cry: a full-on ‘woe is me’, ‘how will I go on’ cry. It felt like a daily reboot and the tears were not so close to the surface throughout the day. Maybe you could use some version of that as prep before you talk with care professionals. Use the outlet of the tears, but do it with intention.
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I'm a lawyer and have been for 58 years. When I prepared the direction to the nursing home to stop trying to keep my father alive, I cried and cried. When I have tried to make "experts" understand my wife's extreme dementia caused by open heart surgery and resulting strokes that caused me to be the 24/7 person and when my wonderful wife of 47 years, sometimes now does not know me, I got over crying about that several years ago. But what does no longer make me cry is when all of our children
....... seven between us from prior marriages, all absolutely refuse to share their home to keep my wife in a multi-generational residence.... at that point I make an effort at a "joke" with friends and tell them that the "Find a place for Mom" advertising we all see on TV or our computers, should note that today's younger generation has changed that pitch to:
"Find a place for Mom BUT AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE!" YOU out there are all Heros!!!!! (spelling?) In many other countries they live and practice the GOLDEN RULE! NOT so in the USA
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Never NEVER apologize for crying! It is our "God given right" to cry.
Crying is therapeutic and you are fortunate you are able to cry. Crying sometimes also lets the "professionals" know just how serious things are.

So please, don't worry that you cry - I am thankful you are able to.
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Honey...you are dealing with so much....and I’m sure your taking care of everyone but you (which is what we women tend to do). But if you don’t take care of you...YOU can’t be emotionally or physically sound to take care of those you love. If your going through menopause then you’re going to be on any emotional roller coaster. So it’s essential to find something to help you. Please listen to your body because right now your body is saying “this so much please help me”. Please tell your GYN doctor what’s going on (hopefully it’s a woman)...But if you can try and do things naturally (so no side effects)...It might be a good idea to look into vitamin supplements to support your emotional health. I understand your pain my husband also suffered from a mental illness, while I cared for my father with dementia. All though this tunnel seems very dark right now...there is light at the end....and you will get there IF you take care of YOU.
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It's totally OK to cry - I did that when I found out that my mother was going to die 10 years ago because of lung cancer. My sister, niece, and I all sat with her up until she passed, and I let it all hang out. If you want to let it all hang out, feel free to do so. No sense in holding it all in
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Dear dear Prairie-my tearful heart goes out to you. I send you sincere hugs! I too am a crier. Sometimes I just hate that about myself. And I almost always dissolve into tears when talking to anyone about my husband's condition. There are many other parts to my story that add to my stress and I do put forth a valiant effort to keep it together for long periods of time, but when and if I finally get him down and sleeping, even if it is an afternoon nap sitting on the sofa, and I am alone with the tv and my convoluted thoughts, the tears roll silently down my face again. It is a lonely catharthis, but sometimes just the release of emotion helps me to drop into an exhausted sleep myself. The nights are never uninterrupted, but that is our life. I too have fibromyalgia and for four years I facilitated a support group in my community. I am in chronic pain from that and from issues with hip replacements and a badly broken ankle from two years ago, but I have learned that living with the pain, though definitely not anything I "recommend", is something I cannot avoid. I have a couple of tools that help me avoid the pitfalls of over medicating, and I know that my husband's care takes priority here. Trust me I am no martyr, and sometimes through my tears I beg for release from this prison of sorts. But finding this site has actually helped too. So please just let your tears soothe and give you strength. We cry because we must. "In the midst of winter, I found there was within me, an invincible summer." Albert Camus
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It is a good practice to WRITE OUT all the information you think will be needed, before you go to the doctor or whoever.
Put in CAPS the key words so it is easy to find.
Put all the details about each topic together.

The last time I went, I gave the paper to the nurse. She
sat down with me and went over the entire paper with me,
asking questions and clarifying . It was a very productive and
complete consultation. I did not feel intimidated, emotionally
involved, nor compromised in any way. I was able to treat it
all matter-of-factly.

I think the key is to have worked through the information and cry it
out during the preparation. The brain has time to process and organize
the information ahead of time so you are not being slammed by
(1) presenting all the information in an organized complete fashion
(2) the emotional distress of the condition of your loved one
(3) the pressure of the professional's presence
all at the same time and overloading yourself. You already are on max.
Cut yourself some slack. Divide and conquer. You are doing a great job.
God gave us tears as an emotional release so they are just fine. We just
want to use them at the appropriate times. I pray this will help you.
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I'm so glad that you see you have been neglecting you during this most stressful time. Exercise and soak on!

I wish I could actually have a good cry, don't get me wrong, I do on occasion cry a river, it's the leaking cries that I long for on days. As a child weaknesses were used to torment me, crying being at the top of the list, so you learn to shut it off, wish I could find that switch and turn it back on. You are blessed to be able to reduce your stress with tears. (I know, when it happens you feel more stress but you are changing your chemicals with tears and that is the real stress reducer)
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You sound like you have a lot to deal with and you stress out to the max. you are a human being. how much can you take? not only you have to deal with your own issues but have to deal with dad's issues. i hope you get the help you deserve and don't feel bad for your decisions .
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Pwhite's observation that crying is cathartic is insightful. It is. It helps channel emotions, probably more than we can deal with at that point

TNtechie's reliance on deep breathing learning during singing is another tactic I've used. I tried out and was accepted to a university choir in my early 20's and learned the REAL power of singing. Our first performance was Carmina Burana, during the Christmas season. As an encore we sang the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah.

That is one of the most magnificent chorale pieces ever composed, and singing it provides a "high" that's literally incomparable to anything, even better than fine chocolate. Schiller's Ode to Joy in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony is another powerful masterpiece.

Even if you don't sing, listen to music that's powerful for you, whether it's polka, soothing Tahitian music, ethnic music, lullabies, children's songs or whatever. If the event happens when you can't sing or listen to music, take deep breaths and envision yourself singing.

IsntEasy, very good suggestion to manage the tears and use them as the strength they are.

PaulBern, your post is so sad; the heartbreak of 7 children who won't participate would literally "drive someone to tears." You have my sympathy. There will be a time when the children wish they had been closer to their parents, but then it will be too late to act on the feelings.
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Wow, it's nice to know that other people cry like that. I have POA for my mother in law and I also had to put her in a nursing home. I had the monumental job of getting her qualified for Medicaid, which was a long drawn out frustrating job. I cried with just about everyone I had to deal with. Between the huge responsibility of handling her affairs and the guilt I felt for having to put her in the home, I was an emotional wreck. She is bedridden and a very large woman and I have a bad back. No one else in the family was wanting to take responsibility for her, and she asked me to do this. My guilt has caused me to act a little psycho. I literally was at the nursing home every morning and every night. I would get her anything she wanted and do anything she needed me to do. But let me warn you, burn out is very real and after carrying on this way for over a year, I have her so spoiled and it is becoming too much for me. My son who lives less than a mile from her now goes in the morning for a few minutes. I still go just about every night. I feed her and brush her teeth and listen to her talk for 2-3 hours. Sounds like I am a real "good" daughter in law, but it has become very hard sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love her and care about her, but my guilt has exhausted me, and the tears still flow!
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PrairieLake, you might find it helpful to type or write questions and comments you want to present to any professional with whom you consult. I always type as much as I can beforehand so I don't forget to mention something, and the person to whom I give it can read it faster than I can say it. In addition, by leaving a copy with the professional, there is a record of why I came and what I said.
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Oh boy-- thanks for sharing your experience. I sure cry when facing frustrations like that! I say I do not have the "anger gene." I just let loose and cry. I rarely feel anger.

So you are not alone.

Once when getting help riding the chair lift I told the instructor that I would cry. I said just go with it. I will be fine. chris
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Dear PrairieLake, Trust me, you are not alone! When I begin to feel fearful, overwhelmed, and totally alone, the tears just begin to flow without warning, even in public! I can not prevent the flow of tears and they usually run their course and stop only when I can meditate on a few of God's scriptures I have memorized. When you are responsible for the well being of an elderly loved one and still bogged down with your own problems, it can be very daunting. Before you can make crucial decisions you must take care of yourself first. Only when you are strong emotionally/physically, can you take on the care of a loved one. I cried for 15 years knowing that I would be the one to carry my family's burdens. I had to give up caring for my mother for at least 3 years until I could heal inwardly and begin looking after my 93 year old mother in my small apartment. The one thing I do know is that you have to be still and listen to God's direction for your life. I was fortunate enough to find a support group known as Emotions Anonymous, and learned through the 12 step method of recovery that I was not in control of my emotions and had to learn how to live at peace with my unsolved circumstances. Meetings with the group helped me realize I wasn't alone and was actually hearing stories that validated my own feelings. Now with the help of this group and my higher power, I can deal with the tasks before me for just what is given to me each new day. Anxiety about the future still scares the living heck out of me, but I believe we have only the day before us to solve what comes our way. Don't live in the past and don't worry about what may come. Live with your loved one/s only for each new day given to us by God.
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