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Since my dad came home from the hospital, I'm realizing that knowing what needs to happen and actually being able to help are two very different things.I don't live with my parents. My mom is there, but she's starting to forget things herself, and my sister is more than two hours away and has a lot going on with her own family.I can call, remind them, try to keep track of medications and appointments, but I also have my own work and responsibilities. Sometimes I feel like I know they need more help, but I can't physically be there every time something comes up.
Am I missing something here? How do people actually manage this when you live hours away and have your own life going on too?

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If you think it is hard to manage your two declining parents from far away, it's even worse from far away to manage the parents plus the in-home aides they will need. You will need three aides for the three shifts of the day. They will need to cooperate with each other to make sure there is always coverage, and even then, what will you do when they're sick and can't be there? Or don't show up at all and disappear from the face of the earth? You will also need relief aides in addition to the other three. The reliefs might need to be called in when suddenly the three main aides all have emergencies at the same time. It happens. The relief might be called too when a main aide needs more help, such as with lifting or moving or someone needs to go to the store for food. (Better to order all from local supermarket or Walmart or Amazon and they deliver, which is a big help.)

I managed my parents' care for five years while they died at home. Never again. This is why I recommend that your parents go to Assisted Living where a team of professionals will take care of them 24/7. Whatever you do, don't move parents in with you. In about 5 minutes, you'll regret it, and that's another one of those eldercare moments - trying to undo what you did and finding it is impossible, so you are stuck. Don't get stuck, and I wish you luck. (A little poem.) I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Your parents need to be placed. If they have memory loss, they should not be living alone. Getting help in home will be tempory. No one nearby to oversee the aides so they end up haveing free rein. Better to place them early than later.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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For things like medication management and appointments, that’s nearly impossible to manage from a distance. My BIL just bought an expensive pill reminder/dispenser to help my in- laws remember to take medicines. It was a complete waste, they couldn’t remember what it was for or understand why it was alarming. In home help is both expensive and iffy. I hired a wonderful helper for my dad. He had no memory issues, but was physically very weak. It worked well, but there were still lots of gaps when she wasn’t there. If he’d lived much longer that plan would have needed to change. Seems your parents likely need to move into assisted living. I know that’s not without plenty of challenges, including their finances affording it. Hopefully they have set up POA’s that aren’t each other and your family can find a plan that is reasonable for all. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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More information would help us to help you:

Your profile says you are in CA.

Your response to someone below seems to infer that your parents are here legally, is this correct? It's very important to know the answer because the guidance we give and the resources available will be very different.

Why was your Dad in the hospital recently?

Do they own their own home?

Thanks
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Reply to Geaton777
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If your parents are now requiring more help than you and your sibling can do yourselves, and your parents can't afford in-home help then you may have to consider having them placed in a Medicaid facility where they'll receive the care they now need, and you and your sister can go visit when you can and just be their loving children.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Forgive me now. The in home care teams... make sure your parents have enough insurance just in case someone gets "hurt ". Umbrella policy.
My friends were sued out of house n home., because someone wanted a quick payday..
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Reply to MAYDAY
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i checked..... what the heck is this? Home care aide can clean, wash, but cannot give meds? and LVN or nurses in home do not do anything but meds..

..... am i the only realizing this a bit late?
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Reply to curacontext
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JoAnn29 Oct 4, 2026
See my response below.
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You could check into whether there are any Senior Care Managers in their area and talk with one or more about how they can help out.
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Reply to MG8522
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curacontext Oct 4, 2026
one of the sad things is they make so little as minimum wage workers and only came here with my sister when we were in our school years.. ONLY working hard and long enough like the legit immigrants paying taxes, but not building any much cushion for their safety net.

paying Medicare A and B already eating much of the Social security. does these senior care managers free of charge? or part of the healthplan or some sort? they are not religious, just plain old people eat, poop and play phones.

checking in weekly seems to be doable, but barely affordable to make the trip. sandwiches,...sandwiches..
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It is indeed so difficult and eventually often becomes physically, financially and emotionally unsustainable. Various solutions include; in-home non-medical caregivers, downsizing and moving to an assisted living in their city or in your city.
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Reply to dhalpern
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curacontext Oct 4, 2026
i checked..... what the heck is this? Home care aide can clean, wash, but cannot give meds? and LVN or nurses in home do not do anything but meds..

..... am i the only realizing this a bit late?
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