Hi, I'm new here. My mother, 78, had a stroke two months ago and was lucky she survived and took her only 2 weeks to feel better and walk and eat all on her own, normal but weaker. After that, doctors said she has some aneurism bubbles in her brain and high blood pressure so we kept her on the prescribed medication.
Last sunday she collapsed and had a massive bleed in her brain. In 10 minutes she was taken to ER and put on life support. After they did her scans, two different doctors told me she has no chance to ever be normal again and will die without life support whenever taken off of it and most likely even on life support. They told me she will progress to brain dead very soon.
Every day the last three days, every nurse and both doctors of different shifts at the ICU told me bluntly there is zero chance of her ever being able to walk or feed herself, knowing anyone or responding to anything ever again with such massive bleed in all half of right brain.
My sisters were very scared to make the decision even-though they knew the reality, and I was afraid they would have waited maybe too long so I went in there alone today and asked the doctor one more time and he said I think it is the right decision reassuring me she is progressing to brain dead but not totally there yet. I told him to take out the breathing tube and I decided to stay in the room and hold my mother. I told them to give her morphine and she died within 45 minutes after the life support was removed. It was the most terrifying, heartbreaking thing to see her trying to gasp for air watching her body fight so hard to stay alive but she eventually died with me holding her hand and her head.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I can't sleep, I can't eat, but I did what I would wish anyone would do for me in that situation.
I told 2 of my sisters about my decision afterwards because they are stronger, but the other two sisters I told them she died while on life support.
It's something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life. I truly, deeply love my mother. All my siblings are married with kids and I'm her only son and and have no kids nor am I married. She was my closest person on earth and I was her closest person on earth to her.
I don't know, I hope she is resting in peace. I cried and I prayed till she died and watched her body turn cold. I wished she would have died in one second but instead was the longest most terrifying 45 minutes I will ever live, but in my heart if I ever come to a closure that I made the right choice it will be all worth it.
I hope God and my mother will see that I had the best of intention for the person I loved the most on this earth and most likely I will never love another human being this much.
You have touched our hearts with your love for your mother. Your mother undoubtedly loves you just as much or more.
You mentioned that you have dealt with depression and darkness. And now, you have grief to deal with, too. So, please it is high time you seek counseling to help you with your issues.
If you want to, you can certainly share them with us and we will do our best to help you.
Now, please stop punishing yourself by drinking. Your mother would be so sad seeing you like that. Instead of getting lost in the bottle, you should go for a long jog, or have a workout with a punching bag. I promise you, you will feel so much better, and think so much more clearly.
A side note, you don't have to reply to everyone's post individually. No need, unless you want to.
Good night to you!
last night i drank one bottle of scotch on empty stomach and sleepless week while reading everyone here again. I ended throwing up sick by morning here west coast but I’m fine now.
If I have not thanked you personally just know that I’ve read you carefully every word and i’m forever thankful to you. You all seem to be much much wiser than i can ever be and i feel lucky to have randomly stumble in this forum when in such desperate need.
Thank you all, God bless you and all your loved ones.
You are what most of us want..... a loving, caring son. I feel it is an honor to know you even through a forum. God grant you peace!
A decision made out of love is rarely the wrong decision. We've traveled the road you are on and made the decisions based on what we knew they wished and what we would want for ourselves. May peace come to you.
Well Luke it’s in between you and your siblings no one can decide what to do and they didn’t want that on their conscience and let the final decision up to you. You have a strong willed strong power and I pray for you . Yes done the right thing at least you were there for mother to hold her hand . Watching mother go through her transition to glory could’ve been devastating but you stayed . There’s no more suffering. It’s not like I had lost my mother two months ago at the nursing home with this COVID-19
I feel guilty and very hurt because I was not allowed or permitted to enter into the facility on her last week with lot of contacting . The state Pittsburgh Pennsylvania where mother was in but I want to be there . No visitation since March 20, 2020 . No holding hands ., touches, just holding . And I just want you to know I wouldn’t let my mother suffer I was done the same thing you have done . So you done what you Know mother wanted . remember mother was always there for us also sitting by her side you take care
Be vigilant and try not to feel guilty mother’s gives us life , and we return them back to Glory.
We didn’t place them at Death , it was their time to leave this earth. We were born to die the day we were born signing off Brown, Sugar
Hugs right back at you my friend. Bless you.
My uncle passed in the same way. He fell to the floor and was "gone" with no hope for recovery. We all agreed that taking him off life support was the best decision - he would not have wanted to live like that!
The only thing I disagree with is that you told two of your sisters that she was still on life support - they are bound to find out the truth eventually, so please tell them the truth up front to avoid any problems in the future.
Often times in situations like this children fight to keep their parent alive not because they would want to live that way but because they (the children) cannot let go. What you did in this situation was put the needs of your mom above your own. It sounds like you knew she would not want to live that way, with no quality of life. So you put her wishes above your own and you let her go. I am so sorry you were in that situation but I am thankful you were able to put her needs above your own!
Don't let anyone tell you or your own feelings of guilt consume you. I wish more individuals were able to put their loved ones needs above their own. I had to do this with my dad and I know that although I miss him everyday he is in heaven no longer sick and and grateful that we (his children) loved him enough to let him go.
Take care and thank you for sharing.
It has been 32 years since I "helped my father" for the last time; Hope you don't mind me sharing the perspective that time has given me. Our parents received the best medical advice we could provide.
Not every sibling is suitable for every task. No-one can take away the 45 precious minutes you shared with Mom.
This came as my hardest realization. The 45 minutes with my father was one last shared gift. Over time memories and coincidences helped me.
Let me finish by saying how proud I am to know you, It takes real love to express your feelings the way you have today. Steve
You did what was best for your Mom, her quality of life was gone and she would not have wanted to live like that anymore. Bless you! You made the right choice.
Judy
We were married 72.6 years. Jack died on Nov. 1st-2019, He died in hospice and I had to sign the D.N.R. papers. It broke my heart. Our 3 sons said it was the right thing to do as he could not breathe.He drew his last breath to our song "Til The End of Time" by Perry Como, He passed on the last note of the song. It is one year this week. I miss him terribly but I know he is in a better place. Thanks to God for all the years he gave us together. The same for your parents. Jack was 92 and I soon will be 91.We also had a long wonderful and loving life. Thanks for sharing.
Heal and know that you made the compassionate decision.
Grief is natural, and a process. You are grieving right now. Allow yourself to grieve. Seek grief counseling through a church if possible.
But please understand that you made the right decision.
in 1990, my second son Lucas was born. The pregnancy had been totally uneventful-not even one episode of morning sickness. Then, I went into back labor, saw my OB-GYN and he did an ultrasound and immediately had me admitted into the hospital. I was under the care of a high-risk OB-GYN. After a week in the hospital with numerous tests coming back negative or normal, the doc decided he had to do a C-Section or the baby would be stillborn. Of course, my husband and I .... docs included ... wanted to give Lucas every chance they could.
Immediately after the C-Section a Neonatal Intensive Care Doctor had to perform CPR on the baby and rush him to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). He was placed on full life support, he was the most sick baby in the unit. The doctors were very hopeful the first week and gave him a 50/50 chance. The second week was different. I could tell the doctors were not as hopeful and energetic when talking about Lucas. When a person is on a ventilator and the doctors cannot lower the settings, the pressure starts forming holes in the lungs. There is nothing any medical professional can do. This had started happening.
On December 16, my husband and I went to see a Lucas. The NICU doc ask to talk to us in a private office. He explained the time had come to make a decision. There was nothing any person on earth could do for our baby. After the doc left the office, we made the decision to take Lucas off the equipment. A nurse took Lucas off the equipment and brought him to us in that office. I held him for the first and last time. He was wrapped in a light blue and white stripped miniature hospital gown and matching blanket.
Afterwards the nurses prepared a bag of baby items for us including the gown and blanket he had been wearing, pictures, hand and foot prints, a lock of hair and small toys that were in his bed.
I thought I would not be able to get through Christmas with our five year old son and family. Numbing I did though. The next year I was desperate and sought counseling at our church. Finally, I came to know the love of Jesus Christ. I gained some understanding about grieving, trauma and worked through many of my emotions and feelings.
Finally, it took 10 years or more before I could talk about Lucas without breaking down. Another ten years and I was stronger. And now, it has been another ten years as he would be 30 years old in November. I often wonder who he would be and what kind of life he would live. There is always a touch of pain in my heart when I think about Lucas.
On the other hand, I marvel at what I have learned through this process, I am and always will be grateful for my faith and my husband and son are the joys of my life.
Lucas was here for a brief time. His short life was full of suffering. Now, he is in the arms of Jesus where there is no pain. Someday I will see him again and hold him one more time.
Give yourself time to heal. Seek counseling if you can, read self help books maybe. You did what you had to do. How brave you were to go there alone and handle that. You did not cause your mother’s death, you were the compassionate person she needed. And now, she is where is was going all along.
I wish you peace.
Right now, you are grieving. You were with your mother until the very end, which is very fresh in your mind. That is to be expected, but I hope in time those bad memories will fade as you focus on the good times you had with your mother.
The more we love, the deeper we grieve, because we had someone so special in our lives.
Be good to yourself. Take the time you need to grieve, but don't punish yourself for having had to be the one to make the call.
Here is a poem I found online, it was also read at my own mother's graveside funeral service just yesterday. I hope it will help you as it is helping me to deal with my mother's passing:
You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want:
smile,
open your eyes,
love
and go on.
Author Unknown
God bless you Luke! Remember your mother is with you always and forever in your heart, now free from the pain and sorrows of earthly life. She would want you to live a good life. You can do it and honor her in doing so.
I wish the best for you. She raised you well.
Your did the right thing, and you did it the right way. Yours was not a rash, spontaneous decision to stop life support for your beloved Mother. You checked with all the experts, did your research, and made the right call. Good for you.
As difficult, horrible, and heart-wrenching as those last 45 minutes were, being there for your Mom's final transition was a blessing to you both. There is honor and beauty in that final time, in sharing those moments together.
My Mom and all my siblings were with Dad when he finally took his last breath a few weeks ago. I would not trade those difficult moments for anything in the word.
Hold your head high, Luke, and rest knowing your decision was the right one. And enjoy the memories of your Mother's life instead of the anquish of her death.