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Well... you could add up the numbers and see if that puts him off at all. Even if the services weren't 24/7 live-in, he'd still need (guessing) four x visits of two caregivers daily, equipment (stand-aid/hoist/bath aids/wet room), adaptations to the home (doorways widened, ramps, OT assessments) and all the rest; and for what? So that he can sit in splendid isolation and stare at his own walls?

To set your own mind at rest it might be worth doing this costings exercise and see what it comes to. Whether or not you share the calculations with him depends.

I think that what might work better for you is a routine of agreeing in principle, followed by "masterly inactivity." Theoretical or not, this is a major logistics project you're talking about and it shouldn't be too hard to string it out indefinitely until he comes to his own conclusion that it's impractical.

Did something trigger his renewed wish to move back home, though? He hasn't fallen out with another resident, or taken against one or more members of staff, anything like that?
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sallyb13 Oct 2019
Hi,
No they actually love him there and he gets along with everyone. I think whenever he gets really stressed out he gets fixated on going home.
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We are dealing with this with my dad. He is 93 and after a hospitalization, the doctors told him he couldn't go home. He is in a beautiful AL but all he wants is to go home. No can do. But I have hired caregivers for him 3 days a week, in addition to the assisted living. They take him to his house for visits. He has only been there 3 weeks but I am beginning to gradually move some of his things to the AL, a few more every week. He is insistent he is not staying and does not even want pictures brought there. Guess that would make it too permanent. I have guardianship and he's pretty much hating me right now - the bad daughter! But this has been needed for a very long time.
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sallyb13 Oct 2019
Hi,
You are exactly in the same boat! :( It's really hard.
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There's lots of things we ALL want and can't get, unfortunately, isn't that the truth? The mere thought of your dad moving back into his house gives me heartburn! It's 100% out of the question, naturally, given his health situation, so now it's up to you to be The Bad Guy. The Bad Guy tells dad that under NO circumstances is it safe for him to live anywhere but where he's living, period. You cannot and will not even entertain the thought of him moving, nor will you help him do so, under ANY circumstances. His doctor is in agreement fully. Every time he brings up the subject, shut it down right away. It's simply not an option dad, unfortunately.

He knows, deep down inside, that it really ISN'T an option, unless he has advanced dementia, but is still exercising his right to fantasize, I guess. Hopefully you have POA so that you get to make the final decision.

Best of luck!!
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sallyb13 Oct 2019
Thanks so much! I will take your advice.
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They all want to go back home, they are no longer able to make good, sound decisions, that is where you come in. If you do not have his durable POA, then I would suggest that you get this in place.

Men especially are use to getting their own way, to be in control, the little woman just did what they said.

Think with your head, not your heart, do what is best for him. Good Luck!
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sallyb13 Oct 2019
Thank you! Yes I do have POA. I will be reading your replies over and over to give me strength!
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The honest truth is that I think everyone wants to move back home. I do see some lovely content souls listed on the forum, but they are few and far between. Everyone wants to come home and the hard truth is that they need to be told that "I am sorry, but that isn't possible". They may rage or cry, and indeed it is WORTH raging and crying over. Not all of life is happy. An elder has had many time when "what they wanted" didn't work out. Now it is facing down loss after loss after loss and no upside, no "getting better " ahead. Families take on the "fix it mentality". Trust me. You cannot fix it all. And not everything can be fixed. Mourn that together, and then there may be some acceptance, but while there is any hope that they can still make the decisions that honestly they can no longer make, they don't give up easily. Why would they? You will have to learn to be somewhat comfortable with all the discomfort.
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sallyb13 Oct 2019
Thank you! Yes I agree about the "no getting better" ahead. It is really hard. I like your advice about getting comfortable with all the discomfort. That is exactly it.
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