Father-in-law is constantly confrontational?

I have a friend who's mom had Alzheimer's she gave me a book that kinda helped. Now I Google and read forums like this one. Also I took a 4 hour class on demitia and alzheimer's. Have your father in law evaluated and apply for a home health aid. Let this aid attempt to establish a hygiene routine. Let the case manager or family doctor or hospital social worker advise you. I know....just one more F'n thing for you to do Right? Well take some time, have a cup of tea, breath, gather your thoughts and image your fairy godmother fix this fir you, what will it look like? Write it down then calmly tell your husband this is what needs to happen.Sunnygirl is right, don't apply logic to this desease. Fingers crossed this helps you. I'm flying solo with my mom and it's no Mardi Gras but I love her so much. My best to you, God bless us all.

Justashes-Honesty is the best policy, in my way(s) of thinking. You were just being forthright/honest with me. No need for an apology, but it's (sincerely) appreciated. Getting out of here, honestly is something I really want/need to do. Things aren't going to "magically" get better. Sadly, with his father's condition's, he's only going to progress to decline;all the way around. I think, my thoughts only here, is that since I've never had paren'ts & had to experience this, it's extremely difficult for myself to 'process' all that's going on. It's further compiled, by watching how little his son cares about his own father. My thinking is simply this. Your father "molded & shaped" you to the man you became as you were growing up, your teens, & now as an adult. To me, his son should be bending over backwards to return the good parenting his father did. I just don't see it being returned to his father. I see, that since I'm a daughter he's never had, I've done what his son should have done, been doing, & should continue to do until he's unable to be "supported" in this home. It's heartbreaking, at least for me, to watch someone else, that has had a parent (all his life) to not want to do what's right/correct for his own father. I struggle with what his son "thinks" is right/correct for his dad;daily. Having your wife do, everything right for your dad, isn't something that "sits well" with me. However, that's my "view through the looking glass." I'm (honestly) not offended by what you've posted. I'm just fatigued, beyond words that I can find to explain how badly I'm run down from all of this. I seek "guidance" from people, when I need to understand how other's handle/deal with things/certain situations in life, that I have never had to deal/contend with. I appreciate, more so than I can say, what I've been giving, not only by yourself, but other (kind/caring) people here & their words of wisdom/experience to me when dealing with what I am. Some day's, it's just hard when someone tells you the truth & you just don't want to or care to see that they're right/correct in what they're saying. You know it, but it's hard to admit (to one's self) that someone else might have a better "path" for you to try. I always have appreciated yours & everyone else's words & time. Sometimes, you just want to know that you matter & you're not a robot.

JessieBelle-Elderly care, you're right, is (extremely) expensive. That's why, at least in my situation, I'm the "cheaper ticket." To me, there's options, but his son has to check into them. Supposedly, he checked with the VA a few day's ago & requested paperwork. I however, have (serious) doubts that he'll follow through on it. He's already mentioned, awhile ago, he didn't want his dad in that kind of situation. He feels/thinks that it'll make him worse, being around people that are in worse shape than his father. Personally, I can't (honestly) say either way. I know, that he talks about his past (war) experiences much & recalls much of what he watched, endured, & felt at that particular time within his life. You can tell, when he talks about it, that things still "haunt" him. I don't know IF that will be a benifit for him or not? My opinon only here, I'm leaning twords, it'll make him worse or his condition worse. I'm not a professional doctor/psychologist, so I'm only making a (educated) guess here. I could be wrong, but I can't say for sure. For the part of making ourself happier. My opinion's this. We have to start to understand/reconize, that we have needs too. We need to have our time for ourselves or people we want/enjoy being around. We need to happy, as happiness makes other's happier & we feel better;all the way around. We need our time, as anyone else does. While taking care of someone, like in my case, is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week responsiblity, we can't "leave out" the little things that bring a smile to our face nor a "happy step" within our heart's. We need to care about ourselves, before we "took on" a responsiblity that we knew was something that we needed to do, for all the right/correct reasons. We can't let their (people we care about) negative attitude(s) ruin/wreck our day, because they're suffering, & that's the only way (some of them) know/understand how to behave. It's not their fault they're sick. I TRY, every day to remember that. Most day's, at least for myself, it's a difficult task to undertake but it's got to be (continually) tried. Finally, finding things that we love/enjoy is the best thing we can do for ourselves. We can't "enable" someone else to hurt our lives.We have feeling's/thought's & emotions that are just as important as anyone else's. That's my "spin" on that subject. Of course, it's only my opinion. We all have to find what works for us, our lives & how we move forward. I hope your mother's doctor's appointment went well/good.

cpegaso942740-The sirens have been "ringing" for way too long. While I've attempted & tried to get my husband to see thing, through my view(s), it's still his father, first & foremost that's on his mind. I'm just a here to serve as a "means" until his father will have to need further care, than I can provide at this particular point in time in his life. Without having a family to "fall back upon," I'm up the creek with no paddle(s). My husband's always known I have no family, so this makes it "easier" for him to do what's being done;currently. In reality, being blunt here. His father would have been dead year's ago, without my care/attention. His son never seems to, either care or notice when he's (extremely) in need of care/medical help. It's like, I've saved his life (his father's) & now I'm the one being "held" responsible for it. In the meanwhile, I'm so exhusted, I can't think straight most of the time. I feel like I'm just a robot here & people assume I can do it all for them & never need to be "recharged." I can just keep running for day on end.For his son having POA. I inquired about that just today with him. He has Medical POA, nothing financial. My understanding, after that little conversation today, is that his father is still "capable" of paying his bills. I'm sorry, but being honest here, if his dad isn't able/capable to go to the bathroom, when he needs to & doesn't "acknowledge" it, then how the heck can he pay his bills? He can't. Apparently his son's been paying his bills. What they are (exactly) I have some clue(s) about. However, that being said, I've noticed that the majority of them are (seriously) behind. It's just been things I've (honestly) stumbled across. It's his son's problem & he will have to answer/explain it;not myself. I have no financial access to anything. His son does everything on a financial level. That I know, because I've seen him. For the "pine box" aspect of things. Yes, sadly, I believe you're correct. All of this stress/responsiblities are too much for me/my health. My daughter, however is expecting (another child) twords the end of August. She's already "suggested" that I will be taking my granddaughter, while she recovers & spends a bit of time with the new(er) addition. That will be on a daily basis, not a few times a week, like it (currently) is now. That alone will "push" my health to levels that I won't be able to "accomadate." For her other half. He treats me, in just the same (disrepectful) ways my own daughter does. They're 2 pea's in a pod when it comes to how I'm treated. He saw how she treated/treats me & he's followed in her path. I get no "empathy" from either of them. Finally, for the changing aspect of things. Believe me, IF I had some place to go, I'd be out of here, faster than a person can hit the accelator on a car's gas pedal. I have no vehicle of my own. Plus, I can't just "bail" on his father, because there's no one else that will provide/care for him. I'm seriously in "uncomfortable" position;daily. I thank you, sincerely, for the kind words of support. It's deeply appreciated;always.

Hi Frustrated - Firstly, please accept my apology for upsetting you, I am truly sorry! That was not my intention! I just somehow figured that "Getting out of there" is not really what you want to do as I just sensed you are a very responsible person - will never just leave your FIL like that and walk away.

And yes, you are right, that is the reason I got onto this site as well: To vent and hoping that through venting and getting things of my chest, I will feel better. So please to not feel offended by my post.

Many of us come on here to vent. That is good. Quite often we read blustery words about what members would do in our circumstance. But often their own stories show that they are also struggling. The truth is that right now there are no good solutions to the problems that go with elder care. The solutions that free us cost more money than many of us have. And many caregivers are in a situation that if they leave, then they will be on the streets. We really just have to figure out individually what will work best in our own situations. How can we take care of ourselves better, given the cards we hold at the moment? For many of us it would help to take better care of ourselves emotionally and physically. We can look inside to try to decide what we need to make ourselves better and do the things to work on ourselves.

This week I have really been grappling with the knowledge that my life is no longer my own. I am living someone else's life. I could heed advice to leave it all and head to the hills, but that is not wise advice. What I know I really need to do is look inside myself and try to figure out how I can be happier and how I can take some of my life back. When we get far down the caregiving path we can lose ourselves and can't really figure out what we want to do anymore. We need people, but they are one of the first things that disappear when we're caregiving. We aren't much fun anymore.

So how do we make ourselves happier? What do we do to feel better, both mentally and physically? I'll let you know if I ever figure it out. But for now I better get ready to take my mother to the doctor. Sigh.

Justashes-I think it all boils down to me wanting my life, my health, & my freedom back. I know (realistically) that's not going to happen, so I guess I come here for support. Thought that's what this place is for? Maybe I misunderstood, what I intially read, when I was looking for support. For that, then I do apologize-to all. I just feel "caged" all day, every day, with no "escape." I come here, I post, get people's input & replies, just makes ME feel (a bit) better. Like I know I'm not the only one feeling/thinking/living the way(s) I do on a daily basis. My husband doesn't care nor will he become involved, any time soon.

The advice I've been given here, has helped me, more than what I can express here. I appreciate people, taking the time out of their day's to offer me helpful/useful suggestions. Never been to a "board" like this & I'm overwhelmed with how much people have always tried to help me. For that, no amount of words I can/could use would discribe my deep appreciation for their time/kind words/support. Maybe that's all I really want? Support, understanding, & a few kind words to help me through each/every day. Thank you for your (always) kind words.

Hi Frustrated! Please tell us what YOU want. What sort of help do you need? We are all giving you advice but am not sure what you want - do you want to get out of the situation or do you just need help? Do you just want your husband to get more involved? Do you want your father in law to be more responsive? Maybe the other professional people will be able to give you better advice if they know in which area you need help and assistance.

There are so many blazing warning signs here I am surprised the fire alarms have not gone off. The self centered behavior of your husband is overwhelming. How long would "Daddy" still be there if you were gone? You can still get a life and be in your daughters and granddaughter's life without him. Apparently it is all about the money. I assume he has POA. If not, he does not have legal access to his fathers finances and a call to senior services may be warranted. Since you are being frank, think of this, with the extending use of nicotine, the cause of this is stress. With all your other medical problems, it is only a matter of time before pine box inevitability is emanate; then what is he going to do? It is time to take charge of your life and health before I is too late. See an attorney immediately. They will tell you your options and help you get away. Hubby's verbal abuse is only the beginning; physical abuse is next.
As far as your daughter is concerned, if you are not included in the wedding planning, your not included in the financial planning either. You cannot care for your FIL and a 15 mo old too. Stop that now, we did. You can still have quality time with the baby and not get used by your daughter. It's time she grew up. Does future hubby know about this arrangement? That's red flags for him too so he knows what he's getting into. If he does, then that is going to be more added stress for you because they will start double teaming. Time to revalue your situation and change it. Best of luck.

I would say that the lozenges will interfere less with the medicine than the cigarettes. What they do is provide a dose of nicotine. You will still feel the urge to light up, but the urge will pass if you give it time. The lozenges will help take the edge off. If you have COPD, not smoking will also give you more energy and lower your bp. Some people think cold turkey is the only way to go. I think that each person knows what will work best for them. I only know that too many cigarettes make you feel bad and take away the oxygen that gives you energy. The cigarettes are definitely not your friends, though they might feel that way when your stressed. They just increase the stress.

JessieBelle-I completely understand what you're saying & thank you;seriously. I must say this though, before his father came here, I was down from 3 packs a day to only 1/2 pack. The extra stress that I'm under, has really increased my smoking habit. Sadly, I already have COPD, so this isn't helping me, what so ever. I will try your suggestion, the lozenges. Do you know IF they interfer with certain types of medications? I'm on a few of them. Just want to make sure, before I get to "gitty" about trying them. One medication I'm on, is for my Thryroid. I have Grave's Disease, I have to make, doubly sure, it will not interfer with it. IF it doesn;'t I'll be willing to give that a try. =) Thank you!

Okay, I am going to change course here. Fustrated, the part about smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day grabbed me. While tobacco can make us feel better immediately, it actually does just the opposite. Cigarettes make us more anxious, raise the blood pressure, depress the mood, and make us feel terrible. Paradoxically, since you are smoking a lot it may be easier for you to cut back and stop. If you go to a store, such as Wal-Mart, you can pick up a box of 4-mg nicotine lozenges and use them instead of the cigarettes. You will be surprised at how much better you feel if you cut back on smoking or quit altogether. Don't let cigarettes get in your way of living.

I know that caregiving makes a smoker want to smoke more. I have been tempted to run to the store to get a pack on occasion. I do have some lozenges. Don't laugh, but the nicotine seems to help me deal with anger. I guess I will always be a nicotine junkie. I feel better that I'm not destroying my lungs with it.

I just thought about a truth for me: My mother drives me to nicotine. I should learn a more effective way of handling my anger. :-(

Justashes-I appreciate what you're saying. Truly I honestly do. For the daughter aspect of things. I wouldn't be overwhelmed if my FIL wasn't here 24 hours a day. Staying with that thought. I also wouldn't be so (extremely) burnt out, if his son (my husband) would help his (own) father out, instead of constantly having me provide (all) the care he has needed/needs currently. He really does nothing to help his father out & anything with his care. I do everything for his father, from the time he gets up, until the time he goes to bed & everythng else inbetween. I get no "free time" for myself. That alone causes problems. You can't "live" life, being in a house 24 hours a day. My husband, didn't discuss this (at all) with me, when this first started. Since that time, year's ago, his father's been my responsibilty. To me, his son should be the one helping, caring, & doing what's necessary for him. Like a good example, he hasn't been into to see the doctor in over 2 year's. That's the one that prescribes his Dementia medications. His son should be the one, staying on top of things, when it comes to his father. That's my way of thinking. I shouldn't have to "keep being a remider," for his father. Yet, he doesn't & I'm the one that has to handle everything.

Getting back to my daughter. This (current) situation, with my daughter, has made things worse between us. I'm constantly (over) tired & have been given no repreave. I'm sure that does have a cause/effect upon things with our relationship, as other things in my life/health. I have to mention this, because I feel I need to. Before his dad was even here, things were on a "solid ground" with my daughter & myself. Yes, we had our up's/down's like any relationship, but back then, we (both) were just happy with one another. I don't have the energy it takes, any longer, to keep working on anything right now. It's truly heartbreaking for me,

Back to the subject. His son, easily, could take/care for him at his place, since he does have his own house. I'd be willing to watch him, during the day, while his son works & his son/him could go back at night. Yes, I've offered up that suggestion more than a handful of times. Yet, nothing "materializes" from my suggestion. That would free up some time, giving me time to :"unload a full plate" every day. I could have helped more with my daughter's upcoming wedding. It also would enable me, to spend more quality time with my granddaughter. I don't want her having "what (little) is left" from her grandmother. I want to enjoy my grandchild, spending time with her, & doing fun things with her. Right now, that's not happening. Again, a difficult pill for me to swallow.

I will mention this, because I feel I need to. While I realize my husband works, this is his father. This man has been their for him, throughout many year's of his life, before I was even around. To not make an effort, at all, to help your father out, is beyond my understanding? Yet, as a DIL, I've done more for him than his own son. I truly have a diffcult/hard time "running" that through my mind. His son, doesn't want any kind/type of outside help, as he's (directly) told me this. He wants things the way they (currently) are. Now, while that's "benificial" for them both, it's not that way for me. I'm exhusted beyond words I can find right now.

I feel, my opinion here, that his father would be better served in a assisted living place. My understanding of one, is that they have around the clock care for the people that live there. I have a feeling, that his father would "blossom" more, because he's around different activites & people. Having someone, just like me, being in a house all day, truly doesn't help/aid with one's mental health/physcial health. I've taken him outside, fed him lunch/dinner, & getting him some "fresh air." The weather, however, has been much (much) cooler or raining, so I'm unable to do that on a daily basis. Again, though, you need more things to stimulate one's mind, then playing card games & watching tv. His father likes just sitting & watching the "boob tube," as I refer to it. He has no (real) intrest(s) in reading a good book, because I've tried that also. I've tired, to get him to play, a few different kinds of board game, but he doesn't want to. I don't know what more I can try/attempt?

Hi Frustrated - me again. I am also a mother and I think I would like to step up for your daughter. I do not really think she is selfish. She is still very young, her life has also been a "mesh" with the things going on in your life - or don't you think that your husband and his father and the fact that you needed to care for this old man had and influence on her life? And as for her not getting you involved in her wedding - from what I can gather through this post and your replies - you are filled to the rim - and she knows that! Were will you find time to get involved?

You are right - change starts from within - you have to make the change yourself - nobody can do that for you.

And just another thing: Please know that you have a grandchild and that you are losing out in life not being a wonderful grandmother - make time to enjoy your grandchild! I think your daughter would also love you to be more involved in your "own" family. She is not self centered -she is used to receiving "what is left" of you. (And to me it sounds like almost nothing - your FIL is really having it all!).

tacy022-I'm a straight shooter here, so I'm going to fill a 'void' with her in for you. She's always been a (very) selfish & self centered child. As an adult, it's become worse. The world's supposed to "rotate" around her & she cares less of anyone else's plight within life. I've had (numerous) people tell me, that she is the most "ungrateful" child they've ever met. Even old friend's do not understand why she treats me the way(s) she does nor doesn't respect me. Just a small example here for you. She's my only child. She's getting married the first week of next month. She has gone, to get her hair done, my grandchild's hair done, with the next door lady. She's having her wedding at her house on top of everything. She's also not included nor asked me to help her (at all) with any planning or preperation(s) for her special day. In fact, the next door neighbour lady, just "let me have it" when I got upset that I haven't been included/asked to do anything for her wedding. So, that's pretty much things in a nutshell with her. She cares not, about myself, my life, or anything I endure. She's so (self absorbed) abuot herself, that I only matter when she wants/needs me to matter. It's the hardest "pill" to ingest on a daily basis.

For the father aspect of your question. This isn't my daughter's biological father nor her biological grandfather. She's taken advantage of him, year's back, by having (gone behind my husband's back) my husband's father purchase her (over) 25K vehicle. She couldn't make the payments & guess who(m) got stuck with paying it off...my husband's father did. I have only been married one time, to my current husband. I was with her father, just being honest, for about 3 year's before we split.

For me "hitting rock bottom." I'm not being disrespectful here, but that's the "theme" of my existance. I've always hit the rock bottom of (everything-I do mean that) things in life. This is just another "progression" in my life, of hitting that "rock." I DO understand what you're saying & why you're saying what you have/did. However, IF I explained everything, I'm always the one being taken for the "easy chump/target" in life. I care abouit people/their situtation, I do the best I can, with what I've got. I push myself, to breaking points I shouldn't have to. I love people, life, & am thankful for each day. That being said, being a "servent" to someone else, their needs, & everything else I (currently) endure, isn't "my cup of tea." I have no parent's of my own. To me, someone else's parent(s) should be taken care of by their child(ren) & not made to be the responsibilty of someone else, that isn't family. The "exception" to that, is professional people, trained to deal with these kind of things in life, that sadly happen to other's, That's why they went into that kind of field within the first place. My opinion. All of this has pushed me past what I can keep doing. Even being 'vocal' about it, doesn't make it change nor does it make someone else stop & think about things. It's a "free meal ticket of someone else's kindness." That's how I feel. Right or wrong, good or bad, it's also been the way other's make me feel. Not "good enough" for anything else, but taking care of their responsibilites or what decision(s) they base their own choices upon. Those are then "pushed" into my life & I'm not supposed to have a say/complaint, or anything else along those line. It's making sure, you keep the "money in your pocket" because you don't want to lose/pay someone else. Again, that's my opinion. IF someone could/would walk in my shoe's, then I think people would understand why I'm burnt out. It takes a lot to care for someone else & then you have to "let" what you want to do go, simply because no one else cares nor want's to "pay it forward" to the person(s) that have helped them. That's what I deal/contend with. Both my daughter & my husband have 'recieved" whatever it is, they wanted from my father in law. I'm the one that gets no breaks, while everyone else is moving forward with their life or whatever they wan to do. My opinion here only. I'm JUST as entitled to live life, as any one else is, so why am I doing so much? This isn't my father & I've helped him out to the (very) best of my own abilities. Time for the people that have benifited off him the most, to step up & take a part in his care. That's how I feel.

Sunnygirl1-Believe me, she knows. She's seen him & still doesn't "chime any bell's" with her/her mind. I'm just too exhusted to think about anything any more. They always say, "change begins within." I just think it's time I do what I need to do, for my own health's sake. I've done enough to help/save other people's life, when they didn't take the "action(s)" that was required/necessary. As always, thank you.

(continued) one single day. My blood pressure's (seriously) up, & my weight's been dropping. I'm deeply concerned, I'm the one that's going to have a heart attack & no one will take care of the one that's been taking care of them. It's a "vicious cycle" I can't seem to break free from. I've (sadly) noticed, how much this has (all) taken away from my health, happiness, & well-being.

While I (never) have minded helping or taking care of another, this situation has become overwhelming to myself. I've done so much reading & research on things, my mind "floats" with information. This place & the people here, are helping me, more than they could (ever) imagine. The "brick wall" is what I deal within my real life & not having support;from anyone.

Justashes-I'm sure I'm no angel, but I (deeply) appreciate the kind words. I feel like I am abused in a sense. My thoughts, feelings, & my health mean nothing to either one of them. My husband doesn't care, just so long as his father's taken care of. He doesn't want to move his father into assisted living, as he'll lose all his father has. That's why it's become what it has. To me, it's more of being selfish of what his needs/wants are & those needs of his father. The old saying, "why pay for the milk if you get the cow for free" (or something like that), comes to mind with this entire situation. The unpredicitable part in life, is my health. I'm not a healthy person, by any means. Before his father was brought back down here, I had almost quit smoking. I was down to 1/2 pack a day. Now, the last few months, I'm at 4 packs a day;seriously. I didn't think/believe someone could smoke that much in

Providing care for a dementia patient who is incontinent and a 15 month old granadchild at the same time??? Oh my....that's just unbelievable. Your daughter may not fully understand what this requires of you. I do understand that she may feel it's natural to want her mother to babysit at times, but in reality, you are not in any position to do that with what your have on your plate.

I'm sorry your husband is not listening or concerned about the situation. It's your decision as to how you will proceed. I hope things change for the better.

tacy022-For the aspect of my daughter. Truth being told here, she's a very selfish individual. She knows I'm (extremely) exhusted, but even she hasn't offered anything. It's the aspect of my life, which is difficult (saying the least) to understand. It seems (apparent) to me, that I'm just nothing short of a "built in babysitter" for other's. My own health is of no concern to them. Just taking care of what they need is. My concern's are turning twords my own health, because I'm just run down. For the question of what you asked, in regards to my husband. I didn't give in, he just doesn't care to hear what I'm saying or how exhusted I am. Like previously mentioned, it's all about keeping what his father has or gets (his monies every month.) The only way out of this, is having to leave. With no "support" on the outside & not money to do it, it's a "lost cause" for me to think about. Thank you, as always, for your support.

Frustrated - you sound like an angel! Or something not from this earth. i will not be able to do what you is doing, that is for sure! And as I am not from the US or UK - like it sound to me most of the people on this site is, I can not even try to offer some advice. In my country we do have shelters and places where women and children can go to when situations get out of hand - like it sounds yours is. It more sounds like you are abused by your FIL and husband - that is my opinion. In my country, I would have determined where the closest shelter is and would determined it I will be able to go there - and then I would have called both the FIL and his son together and told them: you better shape up or i am leaving! Pick you choice!

In this situation I bet the it will change if you put done your foot and make d@mn sure they do understand that you will leave if things does not change.

tacy022-I honestly have, stepped back, more than a few times to "review" things. However, being without family of my own, or any friend's, puts me in a very "lost position." It's been made my responsiblity & my problem. Dispite some protesting, more than a few times, for months on end, it's still up to me to take care of him. Even today, for an example. His son (my husband) didn't even want to get him "up & going" today. I had to do, everything, as I do on a daily basis. I had to have him change his depends, go to the bathroom, feed him, give him his medications, & everything else I do. He told me, a few day's ago, that he would take care of him & give me a rest. However, as it (always) goes, I didn't get a "break" from my daily routine, that I do/have done, for weeks/months on end. Then, to add to things, my daughter has me watching her daughter (my granddaughter) more than a few day's a week & it's for many hours. It's a lot for one individual person to handle. My granddaughter btw, is only 15 months old.

I (again) deeply appreciate everything that you're all trying to help me with. Without the help, I'd be "completely" out of my mind. You guy's give me support that I need, helpful/useful suggestions to try/apply, & being able to seek some positive reinforcement with helping myself get throught this difficult situation. Thank you all, so very much.

cpegaso942740-For the 2nd reason he smacks. He does it for attention, when he wants something. It could be as simple as some water (which he has a huge plastic one next to him;constantly). He also has done it to see IF he's able to get some kind of "reaction" twords him doing it. He will becoming, not only more frequent, but louder as well IF I ignore him. He does belching & passing gas, right in your face. He never excuses himself either. Like I said, the majority of things, to me, are for him to have me say something. Kind of like wanting "enterainment." He just can't stop wanting (some kind) of attention. Whether it be "negative" or me raisng my voice, you can tell he's looking to be "amused." Why I do not comprehend?

I have MUCH admiration for you & your wife with your situation. However, in mine, that will never "come to pass." His son (my husband) doesn't care how exhusted or worn out I am. I can tell, because he's the one that's "running the show" while I'm being run down with his father. There's "no team work" when it comes to the care of his father. Today, he tried to be "slick" with eating. He always tries to shovel food in, as fast as he can, & as much as he can. Today, I had company over & they watched him shovel it in. They asked me, why he's doing that? They were assuming I don't feed him enough & even implied it, in a roud about way. Until I showed them (tons) of pictures with him eating. I HAVE to protect myself, which is beyond my comprehension. I feed him every 2 hours or even less. That's how much he "packs it away." He (also) always "rams" his walker into the walls, doors, & everything else. He cares less what he "rams" into, as I've asked him, please not to do that & be careful with it. I appreciate, not only you taking the time to reply, the kind/helpful responses, well wishes.

cpegaso942740, i just want to say thank you for your sense of humor trying to deal with our elders :) Still chuckling over the metal plate and magnet. Sometimes if we can't laugh, we would cry.

BTW, 1. What was the 2nd reason he smacks? 2. Mother does smack while eating, annoying a hell, but she sucks, like clucking your tongue, every few minutes; again annoying as hell. Wait until he starts moaning and groaning, belches so to be heard from 2 rooms away, and running into everything with his walker because his head is down and doesn't watch where he is going. Every door frame, furniture, wall, etc. shows where she has made her mark. I eventually made foam bumpers for her walker.

My wife and I work as a team on everything. There are some things, specifically medical and personal hygiene, as it is my mother, I am very uncomfortable doing, but will if I have to. We discuss plans of action and make sure mother does not try and play us against each other. She has learned a lot of tricks to avoid situations but we have figured them out, at least so far. A one sided caregiver situation can and is very difficult and should not be with a caregiver couple. Couple caregiver responsibilities should be arranged prior to taking it on. You need your space for peace of mind and your health so take it. Plan an afternoon for yourself leaving FIL with son, and stand your ground. If nothing changes, next time a weekend. Trust me, quality time with Dad speaks volumes and opens communications and decisions between you both as a couple. My brother stayed with Mom when we went on a 10 day trip, a couple of years ago, and he grew a whole new respect for what we do. Life gains a whole new meaning when you have to bathe and change your parents diaper. There's a logical reason airline attendants instruct the parent to place the oxygen mask on themselves first. I wish you the best.

tacy022~I've read, forget where I read it, that a diet in a bit more "higher cholesterol" actually helps his condition. Have you "stumbled" across anything like that? Has something to do with the brain, from what I recall. I'm overloaded with too much information right now! LOL!

cpegaso942740~First of all, thank you for your reply/posting. Truly it helps. For his father. He makes these "smacking noises," which are (extremely) ignoring. He does this for ONLY 2 reason's I've determined. First is because he's hungry. Instead of "being vocal" about needing something to eat, he does that instead. He, like her, says he "can't hear" that he's doing it. However, I darn well know he hears just fine. You can say it's breakfast, lunch, or dinner time, he doesn't "have" a hearing issue then. He's been very bad about making any efforts to take care of himself, without (constantly) needing assistance/help. However, again, with any time it's meal time, he has no problem/issues with feeding himself.

For the male voice aspect of things. I believe, his son does carry the deeper voice. When I raise mine, that seems the only time he'll acknowledge" any/all request(s) I've asked him. However, as previously mentioned, I find it the hardest thing to do. My throat hurts after having to raise it, along with the fact that I'm not a comfortable person with doing that. I will say, that he does the same thing with always asking IF he should go (up to the room) & take a nap. I know that when you're older, as when you're younger, your body requires more rest. I just notice that he tends to knod off more, then asked to go upstairs to sleep, it's time to "debate" that fact with me & he gets extremely aggressive with not wanting to do so. He's always been told, when he wakes up, just come back down. So I do not "comprehend" his "aggressiveness" with a nap?

His son, refuses to "seek" addtional help for his father. I've got to do it OR it will not be done. It's like I've mentioned before, his son doesn't want to give up anything (his father included) to some place that can/does/will help him live a longer & hopefully happier life. They are also trained to deal with his kind of behaviour(s), where I'm not. I can read until my "brain's floating" with information. Even when I've applied things I've read, they don't seem to work for myself. The "raising of the voice" for me is the only thing that "grabs" his attention. The sastics for someone taking care of someone like him, aren't in my favor. I have health issues of my own & can't even get a root canal done, because no one else will watch/take care of him. It's not going to get any better, the longer I put it off.

I guess it all comes down to NOT understanding WHY his own son refuses to want to help his father? After all, he's been your father all his life. His son "passes the buck" to myself on a constant basis. I need my own time, as any normal human being does. Being locked up, all day, every day, for weeks/months on end, is enough to drive a "person mad;figuratively speaking." Even trained professional's get day's off. I haven't. I'm sure, that's also not helping myself. I'm run down, seem to be getting sick, more frequently, & am (extremely) exhusted all of the time. Getting someone else to help me out, would be a (deeply) appreciated relief. However, I see that's not going to "materialize" any time in the near future.

So, any other suggestion/helpful tips for myself, would be (deeply) appreciated more than I can say.

Oh by the way, you all were right about the male voice. I get more co-operation than my wife does. I think the deeper male voice demands more respect, with the any generation. Works more with us anyway, to a degree.

My mother has been with us for 10 yrs with Dementia. Had we placed her in the beginning, she would have been out of money and with us anyway after a few years. She once was the most active women in her community. We now say there is a magnet in the couch and a metal plate in her rear that the magnet draws her to it. She once knit, crocheted, worked with numerous charities, gardened, to name a few. Now it is an effort to breathe. We can get her to read, but she nods off frequently, just don't suggest it, she'll fly off the handle and deny it. She asks if we want her to go back to bed often. Raising our voice has become a standard of communication. She is as deaf as a rock but refuses to get Dr. recommended hearing aids. Most of the time we think she just tunes us out. Dad was like that too, but smiled when she would go off on him; he knew, LOL. She makes all kinds of rude noises, which she claims she can not hear herself, but when asked why we get, "because I want to". She can get verbally combative but never physically. Almost every conversation involves an argument. "Why should I, what's that for, I don't want to, go to hell, go jump in the lake, etc. All part of the process. Bathroom visits are often. BM's are a nightmare since she cannot cleanup herself and won't ask for help, then it is too late. Patience is a virtue; however, it is wearing thin. We get away at least one week a year and place her in a ALF while we are gone, which get expensive. No family member is willing to relieve us for any length of time. Dad only lasted 2 yrs after diagnosed, we are convinced she is immortal. The amount of pills she takes per day is going to preserve her forever, LOL. The parent/child reversal ratio definitely applies here. I wish you all the best of luck. It don't get no better when you're not wealthy.