Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
Ok, so divorce is not an option. I have the feeling that deep down, this is mostly about money and the house. Is it possible that the wife is keeping ties to the house by leaving much of her stuff there and only taking a few bags at a time? Is she trying to make sure that the house (of which she is half owner) is being properly maintained? She may be getting advice from her children to keep track of what is going on in the house in order to protect her interest.

Are you all determined to keep dad in that house, or just to keep him out of a facility? If it is that house, would it be possible to reach some kind of a financial settlement with the wife to remove her name from the deed? Of course, you would need to consult a lawyer to see what the community property laws are in your state. It would seem that selling the house might be the best solution. A house built more than thirty years ago is unlikely to be well suited to elder care. Maybe a different house with wider doorways, larger bathroom and no steps would allow dad to avoid a facility for a longer period of time. If the wife visits dad in the new house, it would be just a visit, with no discussion of storing or removing belongings. Would this be less upsetting to dad?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Lots of issues here, but thinking only in terms of your father's welfare, I also think that it might be appropriate to pack up her things, and suggest she come and get them so that she has access to all of them. I personally would be a little bit more aggressive if she doesn't get them and tell her they'll be donated to charity. But that's just my approach.

I don't see that your father is gaining anything from this ongoing almost stalemated relationship, but since he's a devout Catholic, perhaps some type of legal separation might work as opposed to divorce.

I would also use a "therapeutic fib" and tell him that you understand she has health issues that could be resolved by living in a different climate, so she won't be visiting as much.

Bluntly, it seems to me that her marriage commitment doesn't mean much to her and that she's essentially abandoning it, except for the storage facility issue.

In the meantime, I'd try to find other sources of socialization for him to ease whatever pain he might feel for what seems to be an abandonment by his wife.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It could be your Dad's wife is very upset that this isn't how she envisioned the later years of her retirement. She is defensive, maybe thinking Alzheimer's will develop for herself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

She's not aware of the angst she's causing? Have you sat down with her at the local coffee shop and had a chat with her, or with her children? "We love seeing your mom, but her visits are causing dad to become terribly agitated; can we work something out so that doesn't happen?". Are you saying that she's coming to visit HIM, or just to pick stuff up? If she still values visits with her husband, and he enjoys them in the moment, I think I'd ask his doctor for permission to give him a little extra anti anxiety meds right before her visits.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Thank you both for your comments. I agree that many folks are just not able to assume the duty of a caregiver. Her one daughter told us a few years back that their mother was not willing or able to be a caregiver. That said, one has to say "okay...I get it." One of my brothers states he is not made to be a caregiver and has a hard time even visiting Dad. .
That is why we accelerated Dad's LTHC, to take the burden of most of Dad's care off of his wife. Whenever she has , which is about 4 months out of the year total, we have gone in to provide extra coverage for Dad. Her sisters husband had ALZ and was put in a facility for about 6 years and so she is at least an observer of what to expect also. I know this is disease causes 'death" on many levels to many people. Dad states many times, with in- the -moment lucidity, "I have Alzheimers and my brain is dying." We tell him that he is doing a fine job and that those around him are aware of his disease.

The house is large enough that her items could be stored there, even though we as a family have mixed opinions on that. I just wish there was some way to impress upon her or her family the overall negative impact her visits have and might there be a solution. I have experienced myself having to leave my MIL when she was in a home and it was not a comfortable feeling for me and I knew it also upset her. Both these individuals have the right to a peaceful existence. Maybe we are asking for something that just cannot be delivered. But I question if she is even aware of the issues she is causing and if she is, does she care?
The question of divorce would not be acceptable to Dad on the basis of his devout Catholic beliefs. She is not Catholic,but it might not be fair to her either. Her family has stated frequently in the past 6 months that she values her marriage commitment, so I do not even want to explore that. Thank you again for the continued suggestions.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Quite a story. Wife is 90, Dad with ALZ, six kids here, some others there, it is messy. I can see both sides of this although it seems a little unusual for a wife of 32 years to bail when the going gets tough, although she may have very justifiable reasons for doing so.

It's sounds like Dad is well cared for. Can you somehow get all of wife's stuff out of the house so she has less reason to visit? How does she get there? She still drives? Is it worth stirring up a hornets nest with the other family?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Anne, thank you for giving us more information regarding the background. We only had your original post to base our opinions and recommendations.

Could it be that your Dad's wife knows she is just not cut out to be a caregiver? Not all of us are. In fact there is a good article on the Aging Care website regarding that. Plus your Dad's wife is 90 years old. I have a feeling she felt very outnumbered, thus she left. And the reason for some of her comments. She is scared emotionally to what is happening to her husband of 30 some years.

My boss's wife had Alzheimer's for 15 years, it was in the final 3-4 years that it became very difficult for him. Prior to that she was doing usually well. He had a day care-giver for his wife during those last 3-4 years, but he took on the night duty. Too many times he came into work with having only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, as he was up caring for his wife who wouldn't sleep and who was having issues with incontinence, thus he was washing sheets at 3 in the morning, and showering her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Based on the prior abuse, can you get an order of protection? It seems a bit extreme, but you asked what you can do.

Have you asked her if she wants a divorce? Will she agree for her belongings to be packed up and delivered to a storage facility of her choice?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I know that she was his wife...that is why we expected more from her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Let me either defend my question or look for some objectivity in my explanation and responses. I totally am not in denial about Alzheimers and I do not understand why that statement was even made. If he needs to be re-directed, etc I guess that means we are trying some basic Alz techniques. The caregiver staff does the same. He was diagnosed by the University of Pittsburgh Geriatric Center around 10 years ago and even they are amazed at his ability to thrive. The doctor and the neuropsychologist cannot attribute all of his success to one item but they do state that his daily activity, his mental stimulation and that he was a very high functioning individual might be a contributing factor. Like autism, we just do not know what the magic combination is and we adapt as necessary . My MIL just died in January of this year and she lived with us for 2 years prior to being in a AFC home for 5 years.I have seen first hand the potential deplorable conditions even a pricey Alz residence. SO yes, I know Al. gets worse. Been there, done that. That is one of the first reasons Dad continues to stay at home. But we are not blind to what to expect and what we will do next for care. Most experts in the field will agree that aging in place, when still able and appropriate, is the best resource. With that said, I have not stated that his wife did not make a good choice for her. She did what she needed to and i do get it. I have not entertained a roster of incidents on either side as to indicate family disfunction and I would be a liar to say there has not been any. With 6 kids in Dad's family and 3 in hers it would be hard to defend. But how would you deal with this comment said yesterday, " I told you if your Dad did not recognize me I would have moved to Boston instead?" Would it be difficult not to feel sadness for your own family member? I would say so. BTW, Dad wanted to move into a luxury 5 star step down community over 10 years ago but his wife refused. Then when she finally decided she had him sign one for $500K , she changed her mind and lost the $40 K on it. SO we have been down that path.

One responder asked what am I asking for? Maybe it is more emotional than legally logical but if visits to his home are disruptive when do his rights to a peaceful existence come into play? Based on what has happened and comments she has exercised hers already. She does not have any spousal POA as she did not want it. Dad takes care of all of his medical expenses and she has stated through an attorney that if he runs out of money for medical expenses he will not assume any financial responsibility. What can be asked for the sake of his peaceful existence? We are only wondering what we could legally expect and adhere to for both of them

Coming to forums like this for advice, both objective and personal is helpful. I have stated before on some of my prior responses that being judgmental in our responses on all of us, by all of us might be help you but not help us.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Well, it sounds to me that you kids have your daddy under firm control. And if you're lucky, that second wife of 32 years will just crawl off somewhere and disappear. If this sounds bad, it is because the original post sounded that way to me. I was glad to read that other people agreed. This woman may not have been your mother, Anne, but she was your father's wife for a long time.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

^^^ typos above. Alzheimer's/Dementia does NOT get better, it only gets worse.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I agree with cwillie above, I can't blame the wife for moving out, gosh everyone's been sniping at her heels. Why on earth did all you kids refuse to have your Dad move into a continuing care facility?

No wonder your Dad's wife picked on your Dad, she wanted them both to move into some place safer with on-staff caregivers. She knew what the future will bring. Even though you are all taking turns caring for your Dad, eventually it will be narrowed down to one grown child who does 100% of the work. Just wait, it will happen. Anne, are you ready to work 3 full-time shifts per day? Alzheimer's/Dementia does get better, it only gets worst.... and the different stages can change to the next stage very quickly.

My parents had lived in a single family home up into their 90's, and I know my Dad was to the point where he knew he could no longer keep maintaining the house.... the "honey do" lists keep on happening and there he was at 94 still climbing ladders, scared to death doing so, and doing yard work. But he wanted to keep Mom [98] happy.

Dad wanted to move to Independent Living but my Mom refused to do so... no amount of pleading would get her to even look at the places, and there were places that were like 5-star resorts. I wouldn't have blamed Dad if he had decided to move out on his own and leave Mom behind, but he was afraid to do that. So each day going up and down those stairs, he hoped he or Mom wouldn't be falling.... but they did, and that still wouldn't convince Mom to move.

Last month my Dad moved into Independent Living on his own... my Mom had died due to complications from a fall a couple of months ago. Dad is still angry that Mom didn't take his advice to move some place safer, as she would have been with him today.... [sigh].
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

My goodness. What a tangled situation. Does she want to file for divorce?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I have to admit I feel some sympathy for "the wife". It is obvious in the way you refer to her she was never accepted as a member of the family, yet they have been together 32 years. He has dementia and is no longer the man she married. At 90 she knows full well that her own days are numbered, and has chosen to live her remaining days as fully as she can. She has chosen to move to a community that offers socialization and other opportunities not available where your dad resides. She is focusing on herself, travelling and making new connections. Good for her!

I would ask, what was your families reaction when she said she didn't want to care for him in that way any more? Did encourage them to move together, perhaps to a facility that would offer various levels of care? Often the elderly have to separate in their final years because one spouse needs a higher level of care, it doesn't mean the marriage is over or that they no longer care about each other. You say he has alzheimer's yet you seem to deny the reality of his dementia, when he is confused you must continue to cheerfully offer a plausible explanation and redirect. She has rights as his spouse that probably supersede yours, what is it you want to accomplish?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter