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I'm 33 and a part time caregiver to my grandma whom I live with. But I feel like haven't a chance to really live. Never lived away from my parents or grandma. Never been married even though wish for that one day. My grandma is 90 with dementia. I used to work from home and my mom who would come over to help my grandma refused to get help until she had no choice. When I started my new job at a hospital, she had to get help to alleviate burden. But most morning and evenings I'm with her except two days a week when my parents are there. My aunt helps on special occasions and when I work every other weekend. But I can't make spontaneous plans to do anything. I feel like I can't date because how maintain a relationship or start one when confined to babysit my grandma. I'm working to save to move out and when able to apply to higher paying job will try. But I feel like past year my life been sucked away. My grandma has dementia, diabetes and get dizzy and feel like good years of my life being sucked away. Anyone who never been married living with a relative caregiver to and hate and feel like youth being drawn from them? I never wanted to be a caregiver like this. I was living with my grandma, and this got thrown on me. She is very needy, and my mother gets to go home Thursday through Monday afternoon while me and my aunt take care of her. It better than when I wasn't working outside the home, but I wonder when it'll end. My grandma has money, and we pay the sitters, but she only wants ppl from her religious congregation. My parents are overbearing and overprotective treating me like a teenager when they want and then like a adult when it comes to burdening me with this responsibility. Anyone else hate feeling like life being drained being a caregiver when never asked for it?

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I was thirty years old when I inherited my severely disabled sister after my mother died. I was starting out as a Certified Nursing Assistant and working in the field when my mother took ill and died. Dad had already moved out and was not coming back to help out at all. He would come and check on us occasionally. I couldn't date because I was newly divorced and was also raising my daughter. What saved me was when I landed an office job. I had already started the ball rolling and had my sister placed in a group home. I told dad that I had secured an apartment and was moving out in two weeks, and that he would have to come back to finish the process. I realized that my time was up with that family, and it was time to move on. They weren't aware of the milestones in my life, graduations and such. Being in a situation liked that sucked the life out of me. I missed out on the developmental years of my young adult life. When most people my age were starting careers and dating to marry, I was grasping at life with a desperation to play catch up. Don't allow this to happen to you.

Some families are selfish and look for ways to hoard money. You are thirty three. Start telling your mother you need breaks to get things done for yourself. Start with hair and nail appointents after work. Your mother can get huffy all she wants, but don't allow her or other family members try to lay a guilt trip on you. Take in an occasional movie and dinner out with friends. You should be training for a better job, taking courses, dating and such. Dating has its own challenges, so tread carefully. Get some therapy to get a perspective on your life. Grandma will come last on your schedule. While you are baby sitting grandma, you can do online therapy, and online classes. Make this work for you. You can even FaceTime your friends and any prospective dating mates.( I'm trying to keep one as generic as possible.)

Therapy helps in these situations. It taught me to stand up to these domineering types.
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Scampie1 Sep 15, 2024
Also, I wanted to say, caretake grandma around your schedule for online therapy and your online classes if you decide to go this route.
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A grandchild does not normally inherit whereas the children are almost guaranteed. It therefore is their problem not yours.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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greenema123, whenever I read that a grandchild is taking care of a grandparent, I cringe. It is physically and emotionally exhausting, and when the person is dealing with dementia, it will only get worse and worse as the years go on.


My Mom lived to be 98, are you ready to continue this caregiving for 5 to 8 more years? Then guess what might happen, either your Aunt or your Mom might need caregiving help for themselves. Yikes!!



You need to break this never ending cycle. You need to work full-time so there will be funds for your Social Security and for Medicare. And your grandmother needs to hire 3 shifts of caregivers to help her. If she can't budget that, then there is nothing wrong with moving to a nursing home where she will have a village to care for her, and your Mom and Aunt can go back to being "daughters", and you her "grand-daughter".
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greenema123 Sep 15, 2024
I am training to work overtime to get my debt down more and move out. I'm really glad there are ppl who are caregivers who agree I shouldn't have to take on this burden to this extent. My grandma has money but my mom controls the funds when I asked for another day from my weekend I'm off to and to hire a sitter another day she refused. She said it cost too much and eventually my grandma will get worst and need more care. I even told I not always going to be here and she asked what I meant. I told her one day I'd move out. And she got huffy and said realized that but until then it's just part of the job and on special occasions she or my aunt would take over on the weekend day that I take care of my grandma. And to think of it as a job. I don't get paid for this
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This really should be your parents responsibility. Not yours, Especially since your grandmother has money and can afford to pay for her care.

It's time for you to spread your wings and leave the nest.
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Reply to needtowashhair
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I feel similar,my grandma is 89 with dementia. my plan is to start begging for help or start mentioning finding her someone/somewhere else... im 28, but I chose to come take care of my grandmother. I was hoping it would be a job I could split with another sitter or caregiver but so far when I leave her with my dad(at evening/night only) I dont feel like shes getting the best care. I feel guilty if I know they won't be as hands on. I also feel guilty that maybe I am not doing the best job days when im depressed. I was hoping this would be a role I would take up until she could get into a home but now I dont think my family is really worried about the future as much as I am. I dont want to complain too much as it's a choice and its only been about 2 months but here I am kinda freaking out already. but there's definitely hope for you, start making a plan and demanding your independence.. advice I wish I could take. hope you can get some relief. at least you can work another job!! but I understand that you didn't choose this, im sorry youre dealing with that.
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Fawnby Sep 14, 2024
Of course your family isn’t worried about the future! You’ve allowed them to believe that you’ll always take care of her!

Why? You know it’s wrong of them to expect so much. Please get help to get out and have your own life. You don’t need anyone’s approval. Someone will take care of grandma if you get out of there.
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Your life is being "drained" away, because you have allowed it to happen for far too long.
Why did you opt to move in with your grandma years ago instead of getting an apartment with some friends where you could have started living and enjoying your life then?
Most of us older folks on here(notice I didn't say old, but older)left home at the age of 18 and got on with our lives, and here you are at the age of 33, still living with your grandma. I wonder why the delay in growing up and spreading your wings to fly and getting out on your own.
You now at the age of 33 have to become an adult and tell your family that you will no longer be grandmas part-time caregiver, as you'll be moving out by Oct. 15th. That will give them a month to figure out grandmas care and for you to get your ducks in a row to move.
You say that you parents treat you like a teenager, so to stop them from doing that, you'll have to start acting like an adult. Try it, you'll like it, I promise.
Only you can take the steps to change your circumstances, and I hope you'll do just that.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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green,
Only you can make decision for your own choices in your adult life. As an adult you will weigh what you think best for your own life and you will come to a conclusion and make your decision. Thereafter, whatever decision you chose, will have repercussions.

In realizing and accepting that your grandmother has lived her own life, and you are deserving of one also, you will bear the grief of being able only to support her with quality visits and a kind heart. You will get on with your own life and your own job and a family if you choose to have one.

In deciding rather that you owe your life to your grandmother I will only caution you that when she's gone (and elders often live to 100 now) there will be your parents on the horizon. You stand in a position that may "require" you sacrifice your entire life on the funeral pyres of your relatives.

But be certain, these are decisions.
And they are YOUR decisions.
So, as an adult you will have to weigh them and make them.
And you will be responsible for those decisions.

Whatever decision you decide is best for your own life I must trust you to make best you can. I can only wish you the best of luck in what is the life journey. It is one of choosing which path you will take over and over again, hoping against hope you made the best choice.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Reading your description of what’s been going on for you I would say not only are you FEELING as if important years of your life are passing you by, never to return, because you are a caregiver, but they actually ARE!

Very often on this forum we see that the OP’s family is not helping and everything is devolving to one lucky victim, I mean caregiver. I see that your aunt and mother are caregivers too but this is THEIR mother and they have already had their lives as young people and in your mom’s case at least, got to choose to marry and have children. I think you have to stop focusing on what everyone else is or is not doing and accelerate your plans to escape so that you can marry, can have the career and experiences you want, without this overwhelming burden that should not be yours in the first place.

Do you have a timeframe for when you are going to move out?
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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greenema123 Sep 15, 2024
This week I started training to work overtime (overtime is in another department). I'm trying to get credit card debt paid off which I think I can have done by summer next year. Then I am saving for an emergency fund. So I'd like to move out by Sept or Oct 2025 by with saving for emergency fund might take longer. I'm going to need roommates so I'll need to find one or two women who don't smoke and hopefully are respectful and responsible to be roommates also. My friends are all partnered and living with partners or living at home with families. One friend was considering as a roommate thought I was taking things too seriously and put to much pressure on her and doesn't seem to want to be roommates anymore so I can't count on her.
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Choosing to never move out on your own at 33 years old automatically puts you into a caregiver role, don't you think? I moved out on my own at 19 and worked 2 jobs in order to rent a tiny 2 room "apartment" which was the upstairs of someone's Dutch colonial. I worked as a waitress so I got to eat free food. I did what I had to do to live my own life in other words.

Until you make the decision to be independent yourself, you'll be expected to help take care of your grandmother I guess. Everything in life carries a price tag.

Good luck.
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