I came home from a walk the other day and the house was full of smoke, a burnt pan on the stove, and burnt corn. This is the third time this has happened in a year. I've been taking care of my mom for 16 months, and it has nearly destroyed my health. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I've been begging my family members to help me, but they find it no big deal. I finally found an assisted living facility nearby that we could all agree on. This was a family battle all in itself that caused massive symptom flares for me that I'm still dealing with, but we all finally agreed. But my mom's best friend came over yesterday begging and pleading not to make her go. They were both upset and crying, my mom not wanting to go at all. I feel so guilty, but I've posted before, continuing this pattern will kill me eventually, leaving no one to care for her. I was up all night, contemplating if I'm making the right decision. My mom has cognitive decline but not full-blown dementia. Am I doing the right thing? I'm feeling selfish and heartbroken for her.
No you are not abandoning her. I've been down this road myself, doing it alone while family members opted not to assist once a LTC was selected that met Mom and Dad's requirements but not the desires of my older siblings. One bro didn't visit him at the LTC once we'd buried Mom (21 months) and the other didn't bother for 16 months.
You have been tasked with the job of getting your mom to safety (which is what I did) and I'm sure your mom would not want your health to suffer any further. Take care of yourself and know that there are miles to go before you sleep so by having professionals care for her you will be better equipped to support this part of her life as situations arise. Best wishes.
You may want to have a sit down with the friend. She needs to realize what you are doing is for the safety of your Mom. That with her Dementia she now needs more care than you can give with your chronic health problems. The burning of the corn could have been so much worse. You as a person can't be expected to be kept in a house 24/7 because you need to watch Mom every minute. Show her pictures of the place. You may want to tell her that its been recommended no visitation for a few days so Mom can adjust. And you will be glad to take her to visit after those few days. But this "is" permanent and you would appreciate her not playing into any negativity Mom may have. Make her visits a positive thing for Mom. I wouldn't say this to her now, but if the friend does cause Drama with Mom. You can ask that she not visit and have her banned from the AL. But this is something I wouldn't discuss with the friend unless it happens.
I would not tell the friend when the move will be made. I may not tell Mom till the day of maybe right before. My Mom was in her last stages of Dementia so we told her when we got there. "Mom, you are moving to your new apartment. You will make new friends"
This will not be easy. I had to harden myself so I didn't get upset. But its for the best. And ALs are really nice.
When someone leaves a pan on the stove and forgets it, that is more than a decline.
Try very hard to emotionally detach yourself from all of it and them for a while. Accept within yourself that you have made a correct decision and stop defending it. Don’t argue with anyone. Whatever they say - like the neighbor - don’t respond at all, just turn away silently. Go to your room. Fix yourself a beverage and sip on it while they talk and you play a movie or song in your head that you like. Let them natter on without engaging you. Don’t listen. As you know, and I do too, stress can and will make a chromic illness worse. Try to let the stress be theirs and not yours.
Only one thing… push the timeline. Don’t let anyone stall or delay the move. Proceed as if it is a done deal not subject to debate any longer.
This is absolutely the right decision, and their failure to help with care means (to. me) that they lost their right to vote.
You are taking care of your mom, and yourself. You need to have your own life, which includes mom but is not erased by mom's needs.
If you run yourself into the ground, what will happen to your mom then? If other people so critical with their almighty opinions don’t man up and do something themselves, you have no choice but to do what’s best for you AND your mom. Your mom cannot realize that this IS the best thing for her. She’s going to be looked after and you are going to get your life back.
I get the guilt - trust me, I do. But there is a certain freedom you gain when you realize that you’re making the best choice under difficult circumstances. Nothing is ever perfect. You are trying to keep your mother safe. These are good, valid concerns. Forgive yourself.
Yes, you are doing the right thing if you cannot take care of her in your home anymore. It's not selfish to want your mom to be in a safe environment.
You went for a walk. She almost burned your house down. You can't provide the 24 hour supervision she needs to stay safe. Putting her in AL is the best decision.
She will probably like the place once she's acclimated to it. AL is not like a nursing home. Many of them take their residents a few times a week on outings and they have in-house activities going on too. It will be good for her.
Mom will be safe and cared for, and you will be freed up to be a daughter again.
Her friend can visit, talk on the phone with her, and even take her to lunch if she likes -- Mom's not going to prison for crying out loud.
Change is hard for everyone, especially older people, but circumstances change and lead to the need for updates in living circumstances. You've done the right thing, and of course you haven't abandoned her.