My mom has been living with me since 2019. We made the decision to move her in because she lived 2 hours from me and I found myself taking care of two homes. When she moved in with me, she was independent, relatively healthy, and was planning to still work. However, once she got comfortable, she found she liked the retired life and became a permanent fixture in my home. She literally never leaves, and her health started declining in early 2020. Since 2020, she has had three strokes, a major seizure, a terrible bout with pneumonia, a lung cancer scare (she underwent a biopsy and lung resection as a result), and the latest last week: she fell down my stairs and severely sprained her ankle. I have two siblings that do nothing. I've been estranged from one for a while and am now heading toward estrangement from the other (she is retired while I work a demanding job as an architect, but she refuses to contribute). My aunt occasionally helps but she more-or-less often makes the situation worse. So, I'm essentially alone. I feel bad referring to myself as a caretaker, because in between these medical events, my mom is generally independent and even contributes a lot around the house. But like I previously said, she. never. leaves. I'm finding that I resent her and am living in a daydream future fantasy world where she is no longer around. I haven't been on a date in 6+ years, I let my friendships slide over the years when I was busy taking care of my mom or her home, my family ties are almost gone at this point. I got a dog last year for socialization and fun, and that's been great, but my mom undermines all the training I do and he's started to become overprotective/reactive, so I have to now be careful where I take him or who comes into our home.
My mom is stubborn and selfish. She's always been antisocial and only calls on people when she needs something. She's isolated herself from everyone which has contributed to the isolation I feel now, since I suspect my family thinks I'm "on her side." I come home from work and she cries that she missed me all day, if I leave for a few hours on the weekend, she cries she misses me. She tells everyone I'm her ANGELBABY and she'd just die without me. I'm the only person in the whole world that she likes to be around. It's too much for me. I don't want to be her one and only.
I guess the big question is: my mom is not yet dependent enough for assisted living, but I think independent living could result in my having to care for two residences again. I also know she'd be terribly lonely and while I'm currently angry and tired, I still love her and want her to have a good life. We've recently hired some in-home care since she's less mobile with the sprain, but I've been adamant that my mom pay for it, so I don't know how long it will last because she is very frugal and wants to keep her savings to give to my siblings and I when she retires (another source of resentment and anger for me). It's also been inconvenient for me because I have to bring my [now] reactive dog to work, since we have strangers entering the home. It is working for now but I do often have to attend site meetings as part of my job, which will be scheduled more often now that the weather is warming.
I know many have been in this situation. How'd you deal with it and what was your best outcome?
Signed, a 39-going-on-40-year-old woman who has always deeply loved her mom but currently doesn't like her at the moment.
She cannot have everything she wants, unfortunately. She's usurped your entire life whether intentionally or unintentionally, and that's no longer working for you. She is in no shape to live in Independent Living, and needs AL at this point. Tell her you love her very much but the living arrangement is no longer working, you're needing her to move into AL by June 1st where she'll have lots of folks to hang around with and plenty of activities to keep her busy. Help as needed too. Help her find a great place!
Go back to being a daughter again instead of an Angelbaby indentured servant who's resentful, and understandably so. Before long, you'll start arguing and the air will become thick and toxic around your own home. That's what happens with these types of living arrangements. Mom has overstayed her welcome. Come to terms with that.
Best of luck to you.
PS: Her dog would laugh too.
She'll have entertainment, three meals a day in the dining room, snack bar or her own apartment, and beauty salon and 24/7 nurse in the facility. You're off the hook and can enjoy your dog (not to mention your life) again.
"But Mom won't" and "I promised Mom" and "She'd hate it there" and…..
If you refuse to keep doing what you're doing, she will have no choice. Go visit some of these places. They are not hell holes or torture chambers; they are planned around the wants and needs of the elderly. My mother loved hers. It was elegant with a grand piano in the lobby and a DJ a couple nights a week in the lounge where the bar and the dance floor were.
In the meantime, the weather is nice, so stop catering to her and being her social life. After work take your dog to a park. Have dinner at a restaurant with a dog-friendly patio. Contact some friends from before your mom took over your life and invite them to join you. Let your mother fix her own meals, order her own groceries, and whatever else she has been expecting you to do.
I know all of this is easier said then done, but you can do it. Don't let her manipulate her anymore. Think about this. She has placed so many demands on your that you've literally given up every pleasant aspect of your life for her, for YEARS and YEARS. How can you really love someone so selfish, who only cares about you in relation to what you can do for her?
Let us know how things go. Declaring your independence, and following through, will be so worthwhile. You truly deserve so much more than this.
Assisted Living
Senior Housing
A siblings home.
Now you may have to have her legally evicted.
What you might want to do to put a fire under her is begin charging her. (and she should have been contributing financially since day 1)
she pays 1/2 of ALL household expenses. (that is if there are 2 of you, if there are 3 then she pays 1/3 and so on)
And you give her jobs that she has to do. (with the ability that she has...laundry, light cleaning, she can make dinner while you are at work.)
But it is time to have a sit down talk with her and express boundaries that you need to establish. Once outlined don't back down.
OH.... If she is hospitalized for any reason before you can get her out you need to tell the Hospital Social Worker, Discharge Planner that she can NOT be discharged to your home. It is unsafe, you are no longer able to care for her safely. Please memorize those lines.
The longer you let her stay, the more you'll resent her and destroy ties with other people. It's better for you both for her to live elsewhere.
I'm not sure if I could have lived with my mother for 7 years.
What I see from your story is that you have put yourself in this position by choice. When you say you were taking care of two homes, what were you doing for your mother when she was still independent in her own home?
You think she is not dependent enough for assisted living, but you have in-home care, and feel that you will be needed to take care of two homes again if she moves to independent living. She has fallen, had 3 strokes, a major seizure, and pneumonia. I think Assisted Living is exactly right for her.
Whether you find an apartment in an independent senior living community, or Assisted Living, it is time for your mother to move out of your house. She will have access to social activities with other seniors.
You do not need to take care of her home in addition to your own. I don't know exactly what you mean by taking care of a second home, but I think it's not your responsibility. Hire housecleaners, in-home aides, someone to provide meals, whatever it is you feel she needs as extra support.
It is unreasonable for your mother to be Saving her money to pass on to her children when she dies. She needs to use what money she has to pay for her own needs.
Let go of your resentment for your siblings who have not chosen to give up their lives to take care of mom as you have. They made the right decision.
Stop hovering over your mom. She is an adult. You seem to think she is fairly independent. I don't understand why you are exhausting yourself trying to do so much for her. Either she needs help or she doesn't. You do not need to single-handedly provide that hands-on help. There are other options (besides your siblings).
It sounds like mom might be manipulating you. Learn to say No to her. If you need help, find a therapist who can help you learn to defend your boundaries.
If you don't have the time and money to see a therapist in person, there are lots of videos available on You Tube regarding dealing with a narcissistic parent and emotional abuse.
You are the same age as my son. I can't imagine treating him like a slave to my needs.
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