Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
hoping to catch up this afternoon
Izabella -all is not lost - you can get some time for you and you need to - just ask some of those of us who are suffering from not doing that and look at your own health needs - no good to be consumed with your mum - care for her yes, but not be swallowed alive - you do matter and you can have some times of peace - think we can do better than a crawl spoace with spider webs
jessie - a ruby red car!!! woo hoo - I'll tell you about my fantasy car later - love your vision of open spaces - do you live in the west?
austin -gettng away from it for a bit is great - just to figure out how Izabella can do it
cmag - hope things are good with you
notlike - how are things with mum - still quiet? waiting for the other shoe to drop?
burned - hang in there - you have such a load
hugs to all ttyl
jo
I hope folks are not getting discouraged with their early attempts to detach with love, for it takes practice for those 'no muscles' to gain strength, but still getting hoovered back into their drama can happen to anyone.
I am going to type them out in a word doc!
I agree jessie - Izabella you got hoovered in again. there are ways around it. Better stop here before I lose this one too,.
You'll have to schedule another cook day that you'll enjoy. And maybe she'll stay off the phone. I would be tempted to incapacitate the line. :-E
I've also started thinking about life after caregiving. I saw a house that you could see from the front to the back through the big windows. It was so light and airy and clean. I thought about my own new place with very little furniture, a lot of floor, and a lot of light in a senior community where someone else does all the maintenance. :)
I am older than you are, and I do appreciate what you say about stress and self preservation. Things used to bother me for days too. In the past few years it was affecting my health to the point that I knew I had to make changes. Even now, I am struggling with some health issues that must be, at least in part, rooted in a lifetime of stress. Thankfully they aren't life threatening. This past summer I made the decision to finally detach. I had distanced (given myself space) before but not detached. I think it is self preservation. I had some anger and lots of hurt to do with my mother and my sister. It is amazing how it can be like water off a duck's back, once you get into the "right" frame of mind,
Hugs to both of you and gave a good day
Joan
Today I came in and said I thought it was time to buy a new car. My mother said right away that they could not help me with buying one. I didn't ask them and don't need any help there, but it did stir up some feelings. My parents never gave me anything. They paid for my brothers' college, but I paid for my own. They saved money for their grandkids' college. They gave thousands and thousands of dollars to my oldest brother. They invested so much in the sons, but I was left to fend for myself when it comes to finances.
My first thought was to tell her what a rude remark it was to make to someone who has given them over two years of her life with no thought of pay. My second thought was that it didn't matter. My mother is stuck in that old mindset that boys matter and girls are only good for breeding and cleaning. I'm not going to change her now.
If she's lucky I'll let her ride in my new car. That I was bothered by it and put it behind me so fast made me proud. I realized that it didn't matter and I certainly was not going to put any emotional energy into it.
Jo, thanks for sharing that poem.
That poem is very true. We must face the reality of the pain and then let it go. Some, like myself, write a letter expressing our pain, read it aloud, burn it in a safe container while praying a prayer of release into God's hands, and then throwing the ashes to the wind.
it touched me...
She let go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Ernest Holmes
I find the same. I know to some drawing firm boundaries may sound harsh, but exhaustion, bitterness, resentment etc are harsh too and draw a person down. We do have limits to what is good/healthy for us. Those with personality disorders are unable to repent I think - they truely do not recognise what they do to others. I forgive, as scripture says I should, and for my own good, not because the other asks for it.
Distinguishing between the "real" needs and crises, as opposed to the narcissistic manipulations takes some practice. In my mother's case many, if not most of the fusses in her life have been narcissistic crises - one's she has created. I am learning not to get hoovered into them.
I am going to post a poem I found called "She let go". It could as well be "He let go". I found it useful.
For me, the statements above help us detach from the sick drama that dysfunctional people want to hoover us into. They want us to dance their dance. They want us to feel guilty for how they are. They want us to feel obligated to fix what only they can fix. They want to control us by tricking us in trying to control their dysfunctional personality disorder. Generally speaking, this is how people with a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality operate.
We can't change them, but we can detach with love so that we are dealing with what is the real crisis of their life without getting hoovered into their drama.
While this might sound harsh and a path toward being a calloused person, I find this is how I become more and more seasoned instead of becoming more and more hardened out of bitterness and resentment toward others which in the long run only hurts me. Waiting for others to repent is a waste of my energy that can be better spent.
May we all find more and more freedom from being hoovered into the dark side of dysfunctional personalities knowing their basic hoovering techniques are Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the three tools of emotional blackmail.
ladee - old triggers for parental approval it sounds like - know that one well - good to ID it and put it where it belongs - out of your life. I am sorry for Marie and maybe she isn't feeling well which makes her worse, but we all have choices ...
love
jo
emjo, love ya and miss ya....
cmag hope you and your new theapist are doing some good work.... this job is hard enough without our brains being scattered all over the past....
hugs to everyone...
Izabella does matter!
jo