My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Overwhelmed, haven't heard from you so I hope all is going well with your mom. Everyone is right, you need to take care of you by setting boundaries you can live with. When someone is that demanding, they will NOT be happy either way you do things, so you might as well take care of yourself. Poop on that mess!!

Austin, good news for you! You go girl!! Verbal abuse is so hard if ever to recover from. When you get a good medical staff behind you and social worker, man is it awesome to deal with. They won't fall for your husband's crapola. You keep taking care of you. Learn that the word no is okay and no one ever died from saying it. Your health comes first because if you aren't cared for how can you give to others. Its like an engine with no oil... it won't run. You soak up that oil (so to speak)! :)

To all, thanks for always sharing! All of you inspire me.

Sitting here crying because y'all understand what it's like!!!
The latest one she has done to me is this:

I started doing her nails when she was first on hospice, hoping bright colors and fun flowers would cheer her up. A year later it is the dumbest thing I ever thought of.

Friend: Zelda, (As she holds up her hand looking at her nails).

Zelda: Yes....

Friend: I have a chip.....right here.....

Zelda: Yes....

Friend: Fix it!

Zelda: We just did your nails two days ago.

Friend: You're not going to fix it?

I just shook my head and walked away.

When she was well she was never like this. So frustrating!!

Zelda, my heart goes out to you. When its the disease associated with aging, it is so tragic to see behaviors that we as family has never seen before. I know its very tragic to see certain behaviors from my father with Alzheimer's.

My mother on the other hand has always been deceitful, so now with her escalating, its really nothing new. I'm not surprised by anything and to be quite honest, I now joke with the staff, and use their wonderful skills of creativity to get mom back so to speak.

It helps lighten the mood with the caregivers and it also gets mom to get out of herself. Although she's REALLY stubborn. The staff has to use extraneous extreme creative excuses to get mom to do even basic like bathing and going to the dining room.

All I can say is for those who have their health as older individuals, thank God every day for every moment. He has given you the breath for another day.

God bless all of you!

Thank you mitzipinki!!!

It's so hard to talk to anyone outside the immediate parameter of care. I don't understand why I jumped in to take care of her, let alone explain it to my younger friends. I sound petty when I tell these stories to others. The hospice nurses try to help, but when the patient refuses, you have no choice. All they can do is what she agrees to have done.

It can always be worse and in many of your cases it is. My heart goes out to all of you! God bless you all as well!

God bless you, too, Zelda, for being a Caregiving angel. Hang in there. It's rough, but you're not alone. Will be praying for you. Take care.

Oh my goodness, I'm so so so grateful to find that I'm not alone in the horrible sea of bitterness I've been swimming in. I'm 1 child of 9, and apparently the only one that cared enough to actually do something for my mother. I'm really regretting my decision and becoming angry toward myself for feeling said regret, as well as a deep seeded bitterness toward the woman I call my mother. She moved in with me 4 months ago and I've had it to the point of not wanting to be around her at all. I have an older sister that lives a half hour away from my home, she has yet to see our mother and I could really use a break. Much to my dismay, I'm in the beginning stages of healing from a single level cervical spine fusion and find it extremely difficult to get away. When I really need to be concentrating on my own well being, I find myself stressed beyond belief, which is not conducive to a good healing environment for me. Her health is not good at all and she makes sure we all know it, by grunting and groaning constantly when she's in our company. Her nastiness with me has gone over the top of being tolerable or fair, she does nothing all day and refuses any outside activities with others her own age. Her hygiene habits are horrendous and she does nothing to help around the house. I'm fed up, and feeling guilty...Thank you for this site and an opportunity to rant.

One can always move, again...someplace else? Bless your heart for taking your mother in. But sounds like you need help! Have you considered alternatives for your Mom?

itzamemom... first I have to say consider if the behavior is from your mom's age. Sometimes elder behavior changes with age, and it could be due to medications, fears, drastic life changes, etc. Now if she was nasty all her life then you have to make some choices... there are the decisions of boundaries that must come at every decision made.

This is a rhetorical question (you don't need to answer us/me)... with 9 siblings there would seem more that might be willing to help. Is this about you controlling things or don't like how your siblings contribute? Are your expectations of caregiving overwhelming your siblings?

This is not easy especially when you are healing. Sad to say my mother is just too narcissistic for her own good and she's diagnosed that way.

My two cents ends here... find small boundaries you can put in place to help in your recovery. Although boundaries can be really scary, they can also help bring health and stability (whether one- or two-way) to any relationship.

Are you sure you aren't watching my mother by mistake? sure sounds like it with the same senario. The best advice I can give you is to do nothing. Do not react to her grunting and groanings do not ask her to do anything, to not expect anything from her, you know she isn't goingto do it anyway that way you don't get let down. I just learned this not to long ago and it works Your mother sounds like mine she's been this way all her life and she is narcissistic. google narcissitic mother and I bet you get a light bulb moment. read the one written by Carol when I did that I almost fell out of my chair there was my life. If you can get a little outside therapy it sure did help me my motto since then is

He who does nothing accomplishes much

this doesn't mean you do nothing it means you do not plug into her negative energy and do not react because thats just what she wants I walk around shaking my head yes and thats the end of it. I have my own thoughts naturally but I never voice them anymore cuz I couldn't win anyway. try it see if it helps your stress level, if necessary talk to your doctor and see if he or she can give you something for anxiety and or depression or stress I take a tiny does for anxiety and depression it makes a lot of difference to Good luck to you

Secret sister, Oh boy don't I wish there was another alternative, unfortunately there isn't. I have help from my daughter who lives with my h and I, and bless her heart for all the help she's given since my surgery. She's only 21 and has taken on responsibilities that most would run from, including my siblings.
Mitzipinki, you are correct, with so many siblings one would think there would be loads of help, of which I would welcome with open arms, no strings attached. Honestly speaking, I do not want "control" over my mother and that is why i refused to hold the POA over her in case its needed. My younger sister has that title, and I'm grateful to her for taking care of that. I have 6 brothers and 2 sisters. My older sister lives, as I said, 30 minutes away from my home here in Florida and she has made no effort to visit mom and has called 4 times in as many months. My younger sister lives in New Jersey and is the only other child that has done anything, unfortunately she's too far away to be hands on. 3 of my brothers live in NJ and the other 3 are in S.Florida about 3.5 hours from me. Its rare if any siblings, other than 1 brother and younger sister call mom, much less try to see her. I have no expectations with regard to care giving for our mom. Sadly enough its to the point that the only thing that I do expect is nothing from any of my siblings. As I said, I would welcome help of any kind from them.
I want to smile and laugh again with my mom and fear that if things keep going on like they are, it will never happen.
Today I have to bring her in to her cardiologist to see what she's decided to do with respect to the pacemaker and defib he wants to put in her. I'm not looking forward to the stress it will inevitably cause. As mom refuses to believe that there is any issue with her heart, even though she knows she has congestive heart failure.
So needless to say, I feel as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at present and fear that I'll have a nervous breakdown trying to hold it up.

neonwocky thank you for your advise, I appreciate it very much. I've actually come to the conclusion that ignoring her negativity is the best answer. I try my best not to feed into her attempts to draw me into arguments. That's another one of her ploys to get attention and I find it just irritating. Sometimes I may remind her to shower or to get her laundry in the wash, but will no longer do the work for her and have told my daughter not to either. Before my mom moved in with me, I was trying to get her into an Assisted Living Facility which would give her a sense of independence, while lending assistance with some areas. She was adamantly against living in such a place and refused. My better judgment went out the window because I knew her situation at the time was not healthy nor safe for her and here I am now. So the story goes.

I think the majority of us are in the same situation and just have to tough it out for the duration which can't be too soon for me, that being said , that is an awful thought but there it is nevertheless.

I dare say... seeing My grandmother the way she is now... is not how I last saw her over 8 years ago.. granted she was still short of breath and the narcolepsy has always posed a problem.. but My god.

I don't ever recall her complaining just about every little thing, every little ache and every little pain. I understand that her age comes in and plays a few factors given the fact that she's 78 years old but this isn't an insane asluym.

She does nothing all day, grunts and groans when I merely mention the fact that she should do a breathing treatment or remind her to put her oxygen on at night. She doesn't hardly eat.. when she came down 4 months ago she was a hefty 178... and now.. she's down to probably 138 if not less. That much weight loss in such short of time for an elderly person is not good.. and I'm -not- a doctor! Im just the 21 year old granddaughter.

It kills Me to see the effects of what this is doing not only to My mom.. but My grandma and also My father.. this is destorying this household.

My mother as she mentioned had 8 siblings.. 1 helped My grandma down here.. grandma talks to a few of the other kids.. but in all honesty? they really could careless.. it really doesn't take much to drive 30 minutes out of one's day to pick up the mother that one says that he or she loves and spend the freakin' day with them.

I struggle to understand and comphrehend today's day and age.. how humanity works.. I just.. flat out don't get it.

This is the second grandparent I have seen wither away before My eyes.. I don't think that My mom can handle it for much longer.

You are a good daughter and May God bless you i llove your user name by the way. very creative. Well unfortunatly todays society is mostly about themselves and their things and greed and sex it's splashed all over the tv iE everwhere. So who do we blame for the mess our country is in??? my guess probably us we think more of a celebrity dying than our own parents /grandparents. I to have two siblings my brother hasn't seen my mother or called her since we buried my father in 2007 I've left several emails phone messages my space messages no replys so as far as I am concerned and I really don't like to say this but they can kiss my ass. my sister sends cards at the appropriate time and is too busy with her life she doesn't want to hear about it so when it is time for my mother to go I will put on myspace sorry I haven't been on for awhile been taking care of moms funeral arrangements see what they have to say about that yep I can be a smart ass to.

Thank you.. the username I came up with a while ago. Mom doesn't care for it though.

Being a smart ass is like.. second nature to Me.. ask My mom. Haha.

I considered getting a place with My grandmother before she actually moved down.. I couldn't possibly now.. Its so difficult to juggle not only My grandmother.. My mom and taking care of her and then showing the concern for my father that I do.. I have no time or even any clue of how to have a personal life.

I feel like I'm splitting into like 5 and I'm not trying to take away My mom.. she knows I love her, I would hope that my actions have proved this. Perhaps not My words at all times.. but atleast My actions.. as the saying goes actions do speak louder than words.. it was My momma who taught Me that.

Anyways.. Sorry for the minor rant.. its time for grandma's cadiologist appointment.. I'll bring a body bag just incase.. 3 generations in one tiny car... oh the joys!

CemetaryWolf, you have a lot of insight for a 21 year old. I'm impressed. What a sensitive heart you have. Thanks for the "actions speak louder than words," reminder. That brightened my day! Please remember to take care of you, too.

I think it is just my nature actually I think its my survival kit being a SA Yes you have a lot on you for your age I know woman your age with their first baby and they can't handle it. It's pathetic well have fun at the cardiologist your grandma probably went to the same medical school my mother did and got their BS degree

Thank you SecretSister.. I just do what I can. My mother taught Me well.. most of the credit goes to her wether or not she wishes to believe it.

My time will come when I can take care of Myself.. I just wish it was now but due to the circumstances at hand.. I don't see it happening for a little while longer yet and that I think I'm slowly starting to accept.. don't like it.. but thats the way things go. My family comes first.

Neonwocky Oh I know girls younger than My age who are pregnant or already have a child.. its saddening to see it.. if I can't take care of Myself muchless provide for My family the way My heart aches to.. how in the world could I care for My own child? I couldn't, it would be absoluetely impossible. When the day comes that I have kids.. I want and -need- to provide them with a good sturdy home and steady income so they can live a proper life.

The appointment went fairly well, I just hope and pray that the doctors words rang true within My grandmother's ears and that they sink in deep. She's got a big decision to make. Her life depends upon it wether or not she knows it. There's nothing that Myself or My mother can say anymore.. its up to her now.

Sometimes.. I wish I were Super Woman, but alas. I'm not.

Her life depends upon her decision? Does she have the cognitive ability to understand? Will keep you and your family and grandmother in prayer.

The squeeze ratio of her heart is at I believe 15% compared to the 40%+ that it -should- be at. Her heart is weak and she had a bi-pass surgery years ago. If I am correct and My mother can correct Me if I am wrong My grandmother has congestive heart failure. Don't quote Me on that.

Yes, she knows full well whats going on, she has full cogniction about the current situation of her health. If it were up to Me or My mother.. she would already have had the procedure done. The doctor wants to put in a pace maker as well as a defibulator and a third wire along with that to strengthen her heart.

Dinner is cooking and the Father is Home, so I'll be back a little later to talk and or yammer away some more.

Yes mom is very aware of the importance of having this procedure done. Her ability to make that decision is only hampered by her own stubbornness and refusal to believe that her health is as bad as it is. Yes she has congestive heart failure and had her bypass when I was pregnant with my daughter, over 21 years ago. I'm almost positive that she has decided to have the procedure done, but she wants to try and get in touch with some of her children first. I've told her that it's up to her to call the doctors office and tell them she wants it, as it has to be her decision and come from her. She did say that she wants to live for more that the five years the doctor is giving her heart to last in the condition its in.

Dear All--
We have my elderly dad living with us (and our 2 teenagers and my husband), we try to keep in mind that our elderly parents are just that .... elderly. With that comes a certain degree of childish behavior, selfishness and "tunnel vision" wherein their lives are only about THEM. It's really okay when you keep it in proper perspective, and treat them as kindly and considerately as you can. We don't get any help from my brother, or any other relatives. But we've networked with our good friends, who look in on my dad when we're out of town, or need a vacation. There are other vacations when we take dad with us. If he gripes or gives us a hard time about it, we simply explain that's what's been decided .... there are also vacations he's included in .... and this one we're taking on our own. End of story. We're middle-aged adults, and we draw the line in the sand. YOU make the decisions that you need to, and don't allow your parent to guild you out of them. It's a sacrifice, and often an inconvenience, caring for our elderly parents .... but it's also very loving for them and rewarding. Let's all tough it out for the right reasons, and try to look beyond the temporary annoyances.

I had been taking care of my mother for five years. Just last month she had to go to the nursing home. She is driving me nuts with all the complaints she has, trying to get me to agree to take care of her again full-time, making me feel guilty about what I can't do for her now. Today she was trying to ask me to bring her medicines that the were not on her med list or prescribed by her doctor, trying to get me to bend the rules at the nursing home. Then I also have to explain away to my mom my sister's behavior in not inviting her for Thanksgiving dinner and not coming to visit very often, or my sister hanging up on her. When she starts to drive my sister crazy, my sister just hangs up on her on the phone, or leaves if she is visiting. Hard to have to explain that away to mom. I guess I am just caught in the middle all the time.

hONEY GUILT SERVES NO PURPOSE BUT TO MAKE YOU GUILTY, YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR MOTHERS BEHAVIOR ANYMORE THAN i CAN CHANGE MINE i WANT HER TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR LIVES BUT SHE CHOOSES TO STAY IN HER ROOM SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS NOT YELLING as for your sisters relationship with your mother you have no control over that and when your mother starts just say you will have to discuss that with her and start talking about something else everytime she brings it up say call sister and find out and go on to something else. I know it is hard but once you do it 4 or 5 times she will get the hint and don't take it home with you make your home your haven. and Rules are rules and just tell her you taught me to go by the rules so guess the rules are for everyone mother even you. Good luck and go to calgon country the holidays are coming and you want to enjoy them with your family make it a point to do so. In christian love Cheryl

very well said valencare =^_^=

I ditto the "very well said," as I was going to write that last night, but didn't want to be accused again of "overposting." Neon, your's was very well written, also. My I love this site.

I am certain that for everyone here - there isn't a day that goes by when we aren't crying on the inside, if not on the outside. The tears come for a number of reasons - sometimes it just feels good to sob, other times we think of the future, or the past, or the present - and tears flow - we see how things are, we remember how things were, and we remain hopeful on how things will be - later today, tonight, tomorrow. Like everyone else here, I cry too. I am exhausted at times too. But, by the Grace of God, (or maybe my daily bottle of whiskey - just kidding - I don't drink!) I am able to, somehow, remain focused in the moment most of the time. And, to me, for me, that is what matters the most. TO BE ALIVE AND AWARE IN THIS MOMENT. While this website is a wonderful safe haven for us to lounge like a lizard for a moment or sit at the bar and tell our thoughts to the non-judgemental "bartender," for me, I must turn every potentially sad, negative, unkind thought immediately into a thought about my blessings, the good stuff, the fact that I am exactly where I have chosen to be and want to be. Quite honestly, sometimes it is really hard for me to read some posts here - while it is awesome to have a place where we can be "brutally" honest with how we feel about things - I cringe and shutter to think about the people being cared for when we sometimes are less than whole - less than kind - less than loving - not on purpose, maybe from exhaustion, fear, whatever. We can stand. We can go to the bathroom alone. We can dress ourselves. We can prepare our own meals. We can do cartweels. We can get up and walk out of the room. Of all my challenges and responsibilities and experiences throughout each day, the one that seems to push me to the brink of jumping off is when my loved one cries. It makes me feel so bad, so useless, like I am an awful caregiver that I am not able to identify and meet the need straightaway. My loved one's crying - as sporadic and unexpected as it comes -makes me cry. And I can't afford to be sad. To be depressed. To be angry - at anyone. There's no time for that. There's no energy for that. So I hold my loved one and no matter how exahusted I am, I find out what it is that is making my loved one cry - and I do my VERY VERY BEST to make things right, to make things better. My loved one has a right to cry. So do I. But we can't dwell on that. Those tears can lead to a downward spiral that would be very difficult to climb out of. So I remain hopeful, we do activities to strengthen the mind and body and soul, and we laugh a lot. For a while I was angry at my siblings. Not that i wanted any reprieve - there was no where else I wanted to go and no other place I wanted to be - but I just wanted them to want to be here - for them - and for our loved one. And then, one day, by the Grace of God - I let that go. It just vanished. All that worry and resentment and confusion and misunderstandings and phone calls asking when can you come over, etc. - all that went away. And what happened? They came around. They come around. They call. They write. They do considerate things. They tell ME they love ME and are sorry they every hurt me. Hard to believe. And yet, so simple. I let all that BULLSHIT go and freed up more energy and time for my loved one and my life to make our lives even better - and it all took care of itself. I know it might be hard, but I can only recommend that you act AS IF you are strong and joy-filled, and happy and kind and patient and compassionate all the time - UNTIL YOU ARE again. Go into the room with a smile. Make that late-night snack.

I just wrote out a paragraph, poured out my feelings about my mother driving me nuts and the post was not excepted. Now I'm doubly frustrated.

If you take to long, sometimes the site will time out. I always select all of it and copy it before I paste it.

Don't be frustrated about posting. If you are here because mom is driving you crazy, well.... welcome to the club.

I had to get my mom's medical report from the last hospital/geriatric psych unit she was in and I was reading the reports. As much as I cannot stand her, I cried when I read some of this doctor's notes, etc. It breaks my heart to see someone so sad and so miserable, but yet at the same token I read some of her comments to staff about me, and I couldn't help but think, "There's the mom I know."

There's an old saying that is "Hurting people hurt others." It may be for our lifetime, it may not be, but its true. I'm trying to forgive mom. It's hard when I don't know the "why" behind the treatment I've received over the years, but in order to move on, God has asked me to do.

I still can't spend more than 15 minutes or so at a time, but I realize the hurt. Boundaries with tough love. The toughest job of all.

Hey you guys haven't posted in a while but mom passed 4 months ago. No better and still anmgry at the world. Just collasped and dies about 5 in morning. I will miss her but I know she is probably allot happy now and in a better place. Be patient and remember your parents may be sick inside and you may not know all the answers but continue to love unconditionally as they did you. Its a tuff place to be in I know.Just keep them comfortable and remember they once loved you. They are scared and confused and just don't know what to do. Life in the end is never pretty no matter how its ending. Don't forget to tell your parents you love them everyday they need it also. Really down deep we all love our parents but aging has never been promised to easy. If your parents are still in pretty good shape best thing you can do is have them write down everything for you and where it is. This will also give them a peace of mind. God bless all of you and take care.I will keep you in my prayers. Mendi