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My dh died last night shortly after 9:00. He went into the hospital on Sunday 9/8 with congestive heart failure, his kidneys failed, and he chose to not have dialysis and to come home on hospice care Thursday. Things did not go well here at home (those who remember my past posts will know that he was extremely controlling, among other things) and after a fall, we decided we could not provide him the level of care he needed and he was placed in a local hospice house on Monday.
He went from being totally alert Monday to barely communicative on Tuesday evening when he told everyone he loved them. From that point on, he just slept. I'm sure some of that was due to morphine and ativan. He passed last night right after I said goodnight to him and left the hospice house. He was probably waiting for me to go. My son, who lives with us, was the last one to be with him and he watched his father die, counting the breaths until there were no more.
I always said I hoped his heart would take him before his dementia became too bad. In a way, I got my wish, I just never expected his kidneys to go (which was because of his heart).
It has been a long journey with him and I am at peace that it is over. It is a strange place to be -- grieving for what could have been / should have been but never was, while at the same time feeling the grief of an emptiness in the house and realizing that it is time to readjust my thinking and move forward.
Moving dh to the hospice house was the best thing we could have done. They gave excellent care to him and to us and we are extremely grateful.

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Condolences to you. I'm happy for you that you had a good experience with hospice.
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Graygrammie, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Prayers and thoughts are with you.
(3)
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I'm sorry for your loss, GrayGrammie. God's peace be yours as you grieve and move forward.
(5)
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So sorry for your loss. My husband passed away 1-1/2 years ago. He had dementia for seven years, worse over his last two years. It does take time to adjust.

We were married for a long time. I still miss him every day.

My husband passed away in an inpatient hospice. He had excellent care and I was able to just be his wife and not his caregiver.

This site is a wonderful place to vent and get advice from people in the same situation. Wishing you and your family God's peace.
(5)
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So sorry for your loss. You’ve been an amazing person through it all and your husband was blessed to have you. I wish you healing and peace
(7)
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graygrammie, I'm so sorry for your loss. May you receive peace in your heart and comfort from loving memories.
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Hi graygrammie, I was reading things people said, so touching and sweet, I agree that I hope you stay on here, I think you have much to contribute.

I also want to say, as a daughter of a man , very much like your husband's. It will help your children very much by admitting that your husband was a very controlling person. My mom put my father on such a pedestal and never has admit he was difficult person. So this will help your daughters, recovery. I commend you for that.
(7)
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Thank you to everyone for your kind and supportive words. So many people have been sharing their memories of my husband, and sometimes I feel like they are talking about a person I didn't know.

My daughter wrote: "Lots of people have good memories of Dad. We have a lot to process as a family. But I am grateful the good things and the good memories. It doesn't negate the other stuff, but I can at least acknowledge both. It is the tension of reality."
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I'm so sorry, graygrammie. I hope you will keep in touch because you have much wisdom to offer! I wish you healing and a clear view of your road forward.
(5)
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So very sorry for your family's loss. A new chapter in your life begins, fill the pages with peace and happy memories.

Take time to grieve and heal, you are now on your own timeline.
(6)
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GG, so glad you had good support at the end. (((Hugs))).

Be exhausted. Feel your ambivalent feelings. Take time and space to adjust to the new.
(5)
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Gray,
I'm so glad that you had such great support as your journey with your husband came to an end.

Among other benefits you bring to this forum, sharing how you came to the decision to seek help from the hospice house is an example to those here who are at the end of their caregiving rope. Bringing others alongside you is most honoring to your husband, in your case. He got the best care, possible, and you were able to rest and be available to be his wife, not his nurse.

I agree with Alva. You have shared yourself and your struggles here on the forum. If possible, keep coming back and share your wisdom with others in challenging situations.

Sending hugs, and thanksgiving to God for letting your husband pass before the dementia got worse.

Praying for your comfort and peace.
(6)
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Graygrammie, my sincere condolences & my best thoughts to you. Take your rest now. Time for stillness now. Time for the good memories are just around the corner.
(4)
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Graygrammie,

My condolonces for your loss.
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So sorry for your loss. You've been through so much and now will have peace.
Thank God for hospice...they are true angels.
At least he had a quiet, peaceful death. You did the right thing.
Loosing a spouse is hard, I have done it and survived.
I know you can too.
Love, respect and prayers to you.
(5)
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Graygammie, please accept my deepest condolences for your loss. It has been such a difficult process. Thinking of you. 💐
(3)
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I'm so sorry for your loss, GrayGrammie. You and your son and loved ones are in my prayers.
(3)
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Gray, I agree with the Midwest. You have here shared so openly, wisely, lovingly. Please don't leave us. Please share all the hard knowledge you have learned in what many of us have never lived, with others. Please stay with us. If you need a break I fully understand that. But you have EVER been supportive, loving, honest and kind on this forum. I hope you will stay and I believe it will do HONOR to your hubby, to the hard journey you endured when many would have told you to jump the ship. Your voice could so matter here for others, in what you would do again, what you would not have done knowing what you now know. I admire you for your loving heart.....have always on this Forum, for your ability to endure, something I am so very poor at. Please stay with us, even if you need a break.
Again, my condolences. Geez he was LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. Sorry. But that's what truly I feel. I know you mourn his loss, but to me, I can only think how lucky he was to have had YOU.
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Graygrammie, you have shared so openly and honestly with this community and I’ve started writing several thoughts. Most importantly though, is that I hope you will consider grief support in whatever way feels right for you. A friend wrote to me that grief is a long journey, and every remaining someone in a marriage will be taking this journey with us, we are not alone. Find your group or person or writings, as I truly believe that’s what helps us move forward. Blessings to you.
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Aww Graygrammie xx
i am so sorry for your loss and important you rest and take care of you on this next journey 🩷🥲 xx your gave strength to dh to help him rest and relax and this will have given him such comfort to his final passing x please take some rest and make sure you eat and stay hydrated over the coming days. Remember you did everything right to the end and your son will hold this in his heart too, forever x rest now and stay strong, sending lots of (hugs) and please take care xx 🙏
(3)
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Graygrammie,
I am so glad your husband's last days were spent in gentle care with his family by his side.
Your words will be very comforting to others on the forum who are unsure about end of life decisions.
(7)
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Oh GG. (((((hugs)))) Deepest condolences on the big transition. I'm so glad hospice worked out so well for all of you. It's a blessing that you got your wish that your dh went before the dementia got worse. Prayers for you and your son as you now build your new life and have peace in it.
(7)
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I am very sorry for your loss. Your words about your feelings were put beautifully. I pray God gives you comfort and guidance going forward.
(6)
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My prayers are with you all, and glad hospice was good for you.
(7)
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How wonderful that his passing was everything you'd hoped it would be, I'm so sorry for your loss.
(6)
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I am sorry for your loss, glad that he was at peace.
One journey over, another begins.
((hugs))
(5)
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GG,
Sorry for your loss.
But I am glad you are at peace as you had difficult journey as caregiver.
You had excellent plans for your future and I hope all is going to go well.
Find joy in restarting your life.
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Hospice homes do give excellent care and I'm so glad that your husband was able to end his life in one.
I'm sure you'll go through a wide range of emotions over the next many months, as one journey has ended and another has just begun.
But know this....you're going to be ok.
May God give you His peace, comfort and strength in the days, weeks and months ahead.
(8)
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GG, holding you in my heart as you process this loss. Sending you love and prayers.
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