Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Your habitually tight-fisted and selfish father has given your brother "thousands" over the last few months. What have you done about this marked change in behaviour?
I understand the strain caregiving places on our marriages and families.
My husband would have preferred that we had our privacy. Remember, mom lived with us.
My husband definitely didn’t like that I was confused about what my responsibilities were regarding my mother.
I missed being alone with my husband. I resented the fact that I missed activities with my children due to caring for my mom. They grow up quickly, Paul. We can’t get those years back.
What really upset me, was when my children told me that they would care for me like I was doing for my mom.
I told them that I wanted them to live their lives for themselves.
I remember getting terribly upset at my therapist when he first told me that he saw a woman who was struggling with being burdened with the responsibilities of caring for my mother.
I told him not to refer to my mom as a burden. Fortunately, I have a great therapist who ignored my plea.
I was blind but my therapist saw exactly what was happening in my life.
Later I discussed my therapist’s words with my husband.
My husband and children were glad that I had a professional therapist tell me exactly what I needed to hear.
I was burdened by caring for mom. It’s much easier to help out occasionally rather than helping on a regular basis.
I think you would be at peace if you let go of the responsibility of doing his weekend shopping. Put a stop to it now.
As far as your brother goes. Mine were the same, basically strangers until they wanted something from mom or I was serving a family dinner. I no longer have a relationship with them.
Have you discussed your feelings about your brother with your dad?
It never did any good for me to discuss anything with my mom about my brothers so I resigned from doing so.
I found peace when I let go. I regret that I didn’t do it sooner.
You’ve got a head start with not going to his home during Covid. This is your opportunity to refrain from picking up where you left off.
What do you think? If he complains, so what! He complains anyway so what is the difference?
My husband told me, “Your mom is going to complain no matter what you do or don’t do. So don’t do it.” He was right.
If me, if this was causing a problem - & it would be - I'd politely resign from banking duties. Well it seems Dad, you & Bro have some deals going on. Not my biz, but I don't agree, so I'll stay out of your money business altogether from now on. You will need to arrange your meals on wheels account another way.
Of course if dementia or fraud was suspected I would act differently.
He obviously thinks its worth the money to "buy" service....
OMG - I cant even imagine having Dad live with me.
Dad knows how I feel about brother. We haven't spoken in about a year. Due to the abuse he gave me and my wife when I refused to join his "dad rota".
Of course, Dad is never happy. Hes the sort who'll say "I want a ride, but it must be at 3-07pm, the car must be blue and have black seats". If you don;t do this exactly then you fail the test.
Of course, brother has been passing the test. I've refused to break the law so haven't.
Dad is NEVER EVER EVER going to be happy. The longer he lasts the more miserable hes going to get. He constantly moans about his health which is pretty good but hes obsessed by it all......
As I said, hes not seen my son (17) for probably 2 years now. My daughter for over a year. Not ONE time has he said he misses them.
And, apart from deciding that it's a personal affront to you, you don't find that remarkable?
It’s incredibly frustrating dealing with a parent who wants everything their way. I went through this as well with my mom and it nearly killed me.
I hope somewhere down the line, somehow this is resolved for you.
The only thing that I was trying to point out is that it won’t resolve itself by itself.
You are quite aware that your father will never change, so that leaves you to take action and make the appropriate changes for you and your family.
Best wishes, Paul. No one deserves the burden of caring for an ungrateful parent.
It’s not even a question of the aging process.
It’s a question of character.
His personality isn’t due to natural aging.
Thanks, you know how it is. It goes with the territory of caregiving.
If we had known how tough it was going to be, we wouldn’t have signed up for it, right?
Most of us want to look on the bright side and think we are able to handle whatever comes our way.
The truth is that we often bite off more than we can chew. We end up choking.
We can only handle so much before it catches up to us in one form or another.
Thanks, I knew what you meant.
My crazy phone does weird autocorrects on it’s own! So I get it.
He still will not pay anyone external a penny. He still won't pay for shopping to be delivered because it costs a few pound.
BUT, and I had an inkling before, he'll pay my brother £200 a week so that hes there at his beck and call. It'd probably be cheaper to pay for food delivery to be honest.
So he seems willing to bribe my brother and I but not pay anyone else..... Like I said the time he expected me to travel 3 hours to collect him from hospital rather than pay £10 for a taxi. At the time, he said "oh I'll pay whatever money you lost from missing work".
He wouldnt have paid that much he would have offered me more than £10 though. Why pay more to get me to do it rather than take the easy and cheap option of a taxi for £10???
A lot of it with him is control. He likes to be in control.
I do not know do what he wants so my family dont suffer. This is 1000% better.....
I honestly think I would be divorced by now if I hadnt stopped it. Dad wouldnt care.
I remember years ago me trying to tell him I couldnt do something for him because I'd promised my wife something.
His answer "You're wife needs to understand how things are. These women need to be told whats what". Nice eh?
My wife doesnt bother with Dad at all - quite rightly. But ive never told her this! #WW3
NeedHelpWithMom says:
"What do you think? If he complains, so what! He complains anyway so what is the difference?
My husband told me, “Your mom is going to complain no matter what you do or don’t do. So don’t do it.” He was right."
Exactly. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, so just don't! If I'm going to be damned either way, I'll do it MY WAYYYYYY!!!
paulfoel123:
"CM - What can I do? Its his money at the end of the day....
He obviously thinks its worth the money to "buy" service...."
Oh that's rich! As Countrymouse says:
"The man who has resented and resisted paying for any service of any description for any reason for years and years and years - as you have frequently told us - suddenly decides it's worth every penny."
It's worth every penny because there is CONTROL involved. Other payments/service, they are what they are - you get no control whether you pay or not (in his head anyway! sometimes it DOES pay to be generous to someone, non-family, who helps...)
paulfoel123:
"If you don;t do this exactly then you fail the test.
Of course, brother has been passing the test. I've refused to break the law so haven't."
Don't show up for the test. That "failure" isn't going to change anything for better or worse... Actually, a pass on the test WOULD make it worse, because then you are on the hamster wheel again! Stay off the wheel.
paulfoel123:
"It'd probably be cheaper to pay for food delivery to be honest."
Of course it would, but again, he has NO control over them.
"...he expected me to travel 3 hours to collect him from hospital rather than pay £10 for a taxi. At the time, he said "oh I'll pay whatever money you lost from missing work"."
...
"A lot of it with him is control. He likes to be in control."
Yup, you see it. You also noted you wouldn't likely get the full amount lost from work - if you asked for that amount, he'd go into full blown complaint cycle about how unfair it is for you to get paid that much for sitting on your bum!!!
As always, NO is a complete sentence. If it leads to a "sentence" for you being outcast, all the better. IF you are in a generous mood and want to go visit or do some chore to help out ON YOUR TERMS, not his, then by all means, go. On your terms means if you give him a day/time that you will be stopping in, do NOT let him dictate or insist on a change in the day/time. This is the day/time I'm available. Take it or leave it! No? Okay then, I won't come then, I'll be in touch later when I have another free day, Ta Ta!
You certainly know your dad’s personality. It’s true, they want what they want and that is that.
It’s hard to accept their attitude. I am glad that you put your wife first. That’s how it should be.
We had issues with my FIL later in his life and my husband got fed up with his dad too.
I wouldn’t bend over backwards to please your dad.
Do only what you feel is acceptable. The rest you can leave behind. If he’s not happy about it, so be it.
He’s a grown man. We expect children to adjust to not getting their way all the time.
We teach our children that the world doesn’t revolve around them. They eventually learn life’s lessons.
Our kids learn that decisions are made according to what is best for the entire family.
Your dad needs to learn that lesson. The entire world does not revolve around him. Your family matters equally to your dad.
He can make compromises, such as allowing you to order his groceries to be shipped.
My youngest daughter moved several states away.
I miss her but I wouldn’t dream of making her feel guilty that we won’t be able to see her as often as when she lived closer to us.
Your dad is the king of trying to make you feel guilty. There is no reason for you to feel guilty.
You have been very good to him. He should show appreciation for what you have done and not expect so much from you now.
I’ve been reading your life since you started years ago now, saying that you had the greatest dad in the world and you couldn’t understand that you were getting upset with him. I wonder if you could look back to work out why you grew up thinking he was so great, why you let yourself get the runaround for so long, how you realised that he was the problem not you, and how you have managed to change things for the better. Even whether this site has helped, as well as what other things have helped or could help.
We have many many posters who are dominated by a parent and find it hard to change things. If you have the time to think through your own long journey, it would certainly be interesting, but might also be very useful for others with these problems (and for posters like me who would like to help them). Something to think about next time you have to do the dreadful drive?
Best wishes, Margaret
Looking into the crystal ball....
I see Paul's brother... I see him getting frustrated at being 'on call' for Dad. I see him having a rant. Then as Mission Creep takes over, I see him completely blowing his top as he realises he is not Dad's helper but a paid servant. He says Sod You & Keep your bleedin' money! Storms out.
Then calmly reflects he needs to install some boundaries like Paul has. That he treated Paul & his wife unfairly for trying to schedule their time or force Dad's care on them. That he was wrong... Sorry, that last part may be in a fantasy parralell universe...
But I reckon the blow up will happen. How long away will depend on how much he needs that money. When it happens - expect he really tries to dump Dad on Paul. He will assume like before, what he doesn't want to do, Paul must do instead. But this is very faulty thinking. It's rediculus & should be laughed at.
As I did when sister said SHE can't do bathroom assist therefore I HAD to. 😅 Nope.
Last time I checked, other people's thoughts were not in control of my thinking.
I had a break down yesterday. Think my life has no sense. I have been taking care for my elderly mom for 11 years now. But she could go to the toilet and eat... I don't think I can go on like that. I am looking for help.
Thank God I have a wonderful husband and a great son. Otherwise I guess... Well having suicidal thoughts.
Sorry for coming here only to cry...
Please don’t apologize for crying.
I couldn’t even tell you how many tears I shed during my caregiving days. I know that I cried a river of tears.
It’s impossible not to cry during heartbreaking situations.
I am very glad that you have support from your husband and son. That does help some.
I certainly hope things improve soon. Don’t ever hesitate to reach out for help when you need it most.
Always remember that you are a human being, a wonderful human being, but we all have limitations and need help. No one can do it all.
So, as people told me in the past, I will now tell you, “You are doing your best. Don’t ever feel as if you failed.”
You have done everything humanely possible to keep everything running as smoothly as possible.
Take care.
There might be a new hard lockdown in Italy: I hope I will still be able to find someone to help me.
My husband tells me exactly what you wrote...
According to my therapist I probably have too high a standard for myself. Or maybe as a friar once told when you love someone you think you could do more, when you don't you think you are doing too much. But now, I know I love her but that is too much for me to bear on my shoulders.
I love your avatar! Is he/she your dog?
The dog on my avatar is my grandpuppy!
Thanks for the complement. I think he’s beautiful too.
I haven’t met him yet. My daughter moved to Colorado and we haven’t had the opportunity to visit her yet.
He loves the snow and is quite playful.
She rescued him from a shelter at 11 months old.
I understand your emotions regarding caregiving. I felt the same way as you do.
I went to therapy and spoke to my parish priest also.
It’s hard to see our circumstances objectively when we are in the middle of them. It’s only after we are able to step away that we can see it more clearly.
It truly is a mixed bag of emotions. It takes time to sort matters out.
I hope with all my heart that you will be able to hire help soon. Best wishes to you and your family.
I sometimes feel so tired I wished it was all over. But I desperately want to live my life... I am just afraid it will never be possible. I think this will only end when I die... But I have my husband and my son who give me a reason to live.