Bringing Mama home and making it work.
I've decided to bring my mother home from assisted living, although several of you here on the forum advised me against it. There are several reasons for doing it, but one is that she's bored out of her skull at the only ALF she can afford, since she functions at so much higher a level than anyone else there. I'm determined to make the return home work for her, me and the whole family. May I share my experiences, free associate, and get your reactions as we advance in this adventure? I know I'll have many questions, often about the little stuff, and I'll be so grateful for your answers.
I retired a few weeks ago and returned to the family home in Florida to get it ready for her homecoming. This is hard work---the place has deteriorated during three unoccupied years and it was already old---built in 1928. My brother, I and our children and grandchildren have vowed to make repairing it a family project, although we're scattered all over the country. My nephew is here for a month from California to help get things up and running, and he's re-doing the deck; my daughter and her husband came last week from Texas and remodeled a bathroom. My son will be here this summer to deal with the "family archive"---six filing cabinets jammed with paper, photos, old financial records, to-do lists, Christmas cards. I've had in plumbers, appliance repairmen, handymen, yard men, cleaning help, furniture movers and, next, carpet layers. Mama will come home at the end of April. My nephew and I are careful to consult her about changes that we know will be very important to her. We figure if we defer to her preferences on three or four things, we can make "executive decisions" (e.g., to send something to the dump) about one or two things without upsetting her too much.
So...off to the races! And hugs to you all.
if I seem a bit alarmist, it's because my mom, who is now 92, has had pneumonia several times, with just the symptom of feeling "weak". No fever, no cough. She'd be dead if she weren't in NH. Also, a heart block. No real symptoms. Just "not myself today ".
Frankly, in your shoes, I'd be inclined to call the emts to make sure her vitals are okay. If you have a bp cuff and a pulse oximeter, I'd get them out. You don't have an RN in the neighborhood, do you?
Your mom fussing about the squirrels' well being gives her purpose and joy and a smidgen of familiar in a sea of changes.
We live in a semi-rural area, on a heavily wooded acre with lots of birds and squirrels. Mama has always worried about the squirrels --- did they have enough to eat? Every winter she bought several gallons of pecans and had my father climb a ladder to hang pails of nuts in the trees. And, I learned today, she provided water for them, in a pan next to the birdbath in the back yard.
Last week, I had the yard cleaned up, including the dense thicket around the old birdbath. She looked at the recovered flower bed for awhile this afternoon and then asked me to go out and fill the birdbath with water for the birds and a pan with water for the squirrels. I protested: the mosquitoes, already bad enough, would breed there. Not if I changed the water every day, she said. Mama, I said, I'm just not going to go out every day and water the squirrels. But they'll be thirsty! she said. They managed before, I said. All right, she said, she would do it. She would enjoy doing it. She would water them daily. This is a woman who trundles around on a walker or a cane and has fallen punctually at least once a month for years.
So I went out and filled the birdbath and found a pan for the squirrels. I want to scream, but I'm not sure whether to scream at the plain silliness of her worrying about the damned squirrels or at the way she manipulated me. I wish somebody would talk me down.
Perhaps there is a local garden club that might drop in on your mom and talk flowers or a local 4H group that could use some pointers on planting and flower gardens.
We have found that the area senior center is a good place to connect to others. Often they have activities and crafts etc to do.
Perhaps your local faith community can suggest some volunteers to visit and cheer your mom.
Glad you are trying this and giving your mom a chance.
Frequent flyer, yes, getting through doors will be an issue. She mostly walks with a cane, but uses a walker when she's tired. And yes, I'm lucky, and especially, so is Mama, that the family wants to help. Maybe we won't be able to sustain it forever, but if we can work together for even a couple of years, that's a good percentage of the rest of her life.
But my big thing right now is HOW TO GET RID OF STUFF. Singingway, I don't have a lot of leverage with her. I moved into her home, not she into mine. And both of us contribute financially to its upkeep, not just me. So she definitely has a major say in what gets done or doesn't. And it is her stuff.