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My mother certainly has temper tantrums but all of her life she has exhibited serious NPD behavior. My dad married her when she was 17 and she was a princess all of her life. When I read the advice to not give the tantrum any attention I certainly agree but I would add that the whole family needs to be on board and that counseling may be a benefit. Otherwise, as with a child, inconsistent cause and effect depending on who she is dealing with ends up not working very well.
It's good to read the comments on this, but I think the article is more skewed towards the CARETAKER. Not the Parent.
I keep hearing 'take care of yourself' from everyone. Especially the medical community. But it's the medical community that is not only constantly screwing me OUT of an ability to have any kind of schedule, but also week after week last minute scheduling for dr.s visits with my mom on MY day to have the free caretaking therapy group THEY recommended I attend. I started to go 2 months ago. I have only made it there twice because despite my 'no Thursdays for anything' rule, they continue to ignore it, then look at me like 'you poor thing, we're so sorry'.
And heaven forbid you deny your parent care to tend to yourself after years of playing free slave to them. So the guilt factor is VERY in the mix because everyone tells you to not feel it, then places you precisely in the position that creates it if you choose yourself over your parent.
I have decided I am going away this weekend. After 2 years of putting my life on the back burner, I'm leaving town. And taking my dog. And if my mother burns the place down, so be it. I do deserve 'me time'. And my health is suffering from all this stress. I'm aging so rapidly. My acid reflux is in full swing and I'm having bloody bowel movements. I take Xanax daily. I dislocated my shoulder picking my mother up off the floor after she double dosed herself with ambien, the sleeping pill and fell in the bathroom. I'm done. I either get me time or I open a vein.
I think everyone's answers are very good. It all depends on the stage and the temperament of the individual. Dementia is usually not an on-off switch. It takes years to develop for most people. Often professionals do not see people with Alzheimer's in NHs and hospitals until a later stage. Family caregivers get to see the early and moderate stages, where a person retains most of their ability to function, but can become quite paranoid or mean. At these earlier stages I believe that walking away is very often the best strategy, because the anger is not being caused by fear. It is often trying to keep control and resenting the caregiver who makes them feel they are losing control. If someone is at a later stage, a tantrum may be caused by fear and confusion. Walking away would not be so good in this case.
I do wish that family caregivers had the luxury of being like the professionals. I can see myself taking on the role of a professional with my moderate-stage mother. She would probably just wonder who kidnapped her daughter and left a robot. She would know something was really off, because her dementia has not advanced to a stage in which she is no longer tuned in to the world.
While I appreciate and hear your levels of frustration, CPEGASO94, as I stated, I am a gerontologist and deal with aging individuals, including the dying and family members. I am fully experienced with declining cognitive issues, dementia and Alzheimers patients, and you are right in that long-term declining cognitive issues are extremely taxing on caregivers and family members. There is a tremendous feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. It is important to find ways to break away (just as you would with taking breaks with small children). As I have worked with clients in nursing homes and hospitals, there is a tremendous amount of accountability when dealing with someone else's loved one. I do not have the liberty of walking out of a room after a human being has a "tempy". Therefore, as professionals, we need to find ways to address the situations as they arise and handle a person with dignity and respect, as it is expected and required of us. If you were paying a professional to take care of your parent in a facility, what would you say or do if you found out that we all just walked out of a room and let them screaming, frightened and hysterical . . . only to leave them abandoned until they calmed down on their own? I am sure the average person would be reporting the matter to the head of the facility and be calling the first lawyer at 9AM the next morning! Therefore, a professional's approach is and should be much different than a lay person. I truly understand, respect and empathize with every caregiver that cares for a loved one at home. It is a very hard on all members of a family. However, when dealing with dementia patients in an assisted living facility or nursing home, it is handled differently, and it should be. That is the venue of this discussion . . . to bring all situations and experiences to the table in the hopes that we learn from one another. Lastly, the person needing the care will test family members far more than they would test a total stranger.
Excellent suggestions. My mother in law, when given constructive criticism, sticks her nose up in the air and ignores all else that is said until she gets her way. When she did that to me, I told her if she wants to act like a 3 yr old she will be treated as such and left the room. She fussed and fumed, but got the point. So did my sister in law, whom she lives with and put up with it. My mother does not throw temper tantrums. She will, however, argue with the devil and anyone else in close proximity, until proven wrong. Patience is key but one of the hardest things to maintain. As mother's caretakers for 7 years, patience wears thin, but getting away, for just a few hours, helps make a huge difference on the stress level. Good luck everyone.
Great article that shows some effective strategies to help defuse temper tantrums. Although this article focuses primarily on how these tantrums impact caregivers, I think it's also important to remember just how scary and debilitating some of these conditions can be on those who experience them.
It's only natural to have emotional outbursts if you can no longer take care of yourself, and you have to rely on others to assist with intimate aspects of your life. It can be terrifying to see your health decline and not know what is happening to your body. Not remembering where you are, what is happening around you, and what happened the day before can be downright scary.
So here are a few things I'd like to add:
1. Remember that these outbursts are often not a reflection of you; rather, they are reaction to the negative changes brought upon by their decline in health.
2. Try to engage whoever you are caring for in preferred tasks that they enjoy and try to cater to their unique set of needs. -For example, if someone has difficulty remembering where they are or what time it is, then be sure to modify their environment to help keep them oriented to time and place to reduce confusion (ex. clocks, calendars, signs, etc). -Some might be more relaxed when classical music is playing in the background so this can be an effective strategy to help reduce the likelihood of a tantrum. -Try to eliminate triggers that may cause a temper tantrum (ex. loud noises, crowds, etc.)
3. It is normal, healthy, and cathartic to vent. -Many family caregivers make so many sacrifices and work so hard to do everything in their power to care for their loved ones. -It can be really discouraging if all your efforts go unappreciated or even worse, if you are berated or yelled by the same person for who you have been making these sacrifices. -It is important to talk to others or journal your thoughts and frustrations to help provide mental stability and prevent yourself from having your own temper tantrum :)
As a gerontologist and grief counselor, I do agree with some of Cindy's explanations when it comes to a parent's temper tantrums, in that certain medications can affect a person's personality, create phobic-type symptoms and that dementia and Alzheimer's is a very complex disease. However, to believe a parent is spoiled and compare them to children is far from the truth. As we age, many individuals can revert back to child-like behavior. The methods of care aren't that complicated. For dementia and Alzheimer's patients, there are many neurological factors. In handling a frightened individual (not just aging) dealing with cognitive issues, you have to introduce familiarity, meaning: you have to bring them back to a familiar surrounding - which can be quite difficult. Temper Tantrums in an older person equates to fear - or fear of the unknown. Also, there are issues of not being able to express oneself, which also causes fear in a person. Music therapy is a major way to calm someone down that may be having a so-called "temper tantrum". What they are truly expressing is the loss of their surrounding, recognizing the individual that is pulling, tugging and restricting them, and lack of being able to communicate. If you are dealing with a parent that starts having a temper tantrum (for lack of a better definition), always have music that calms them. If you don't have music, start humming or singing a song they liked when they were younger. Never leave a dementia or Alzheimer's patient alone while they are frightened and unable to recognize their surroundings. This is extremely stressful on their system and never a wise choice. Would you leave an hysterical child crying at the top of their lungs? I don't think so. Adults in this state are like children, and it is important to treat them with kindness and gentleness, and with dignity.
I work in the Dementia business as well as have my 78 year old mother living with me. After long days working with Dementia residents and having to come home to a demented parent I often just want to retreet to my bedroom for some peace. My mother sees this as me not wanting to engage with her and she's right most times. I have tried to explain to her that I am tired when I get off work and just some me time and she says "I know" but this just proceeds into her past life and an long babbling conversation about her and her past life. She has become a "me" person everything is about her and her concept of it. She repeats everything over and over and over till I want to scream. And if I tell her she doesn't need to be doing certain things anymore (driving at night) she tells me "I don't appreciate getting my ass chewed out" she perceives any suggestions of what she should or shouldn't be doing as "ass chewing" and proceeds to call my brothers and report to them about the "ass chewing". I have always told my brothers when you think things need to be done differently just say so and she's all yours both refuse to take her.
Thank you for this article. My mother is not 'there' yet but I do notice behavior changes when I leave the house. When I return, often there is attitude--like not speaking to me or she acts like she is mad at me. Most often she mumbles or mutters about what I say or do and they are not nice mutterings. When she finally does have an outburst of a sort, I don't try to engage her anymore. But I can't stand the emotional yo-yo she puts me on when after the drama happens or mean things are said, she comes back with this, "you're the best daughter" or, "you know I love you". It sounds just like a kid.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
41 Comments
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Elderly Temper Tantrums: What's Behind the Outburst?
I keep hearing 'take care of yourself' from everyone. Especially the medical community. But it's the medical community that is not only constantly screwing me OUT of an ability to have any kind of schedule, but also week after week last minute scheduling for dr.s visits with my mom on MY day to have the free caretaking therapy group THEY recommended I attend. I started to go 2 months ago. I have only made it there twice because despite my 'no Thursdays for anything' rule, they continue to ignore it, then look at me like 'you poor thing, we're so sorry'.
And heaven forbid you deny your parent care to tend to yourself after years of playing free slave to them. So the guilt factor is VERY in the mix because everyone tells you to not feel it, then places you precisely in the position that creates it if you choose yourself over your parent.
I have decided I am going away this weekend. After 2 years of putting my life on the back burner, I'm leaving town. And taking my dog. And if my mother burns the place down, so be it. I do deserve 'me time'. And my health is suffering from all this stress. I'm aging so rapidly. My acid reflux is in full swing and I'm having bloody bowel movements. I take Xanax daily. I dislocated my shoulder picking my mother up off the floor after she double dosed herself with ambien, the sleeping pill and fell in the bathroom. I'm done. I either get me time or I open a vein.
I do wish that family caregivers had the luxury of being like the professionals. I can see myself taking on the role of a professional with my moderate-stage mother. She would probably just wonder who kidnapped her daughter and left a robot. She would know something was really off, because her dementia has not advanced to a stage in which she is no longer tuned in to the world.
It's only natural to have emotional outbursts if you can no longer take care of yourself, and you have to rely on others to assist with intimate aspects of your life. It can be terrifying to see your health decline and not know what is happening to your body. Not remembering where you are, what is happening around you, and what happened the day before can be downright scary.
So here are a few things I'd like to add:
1. Remember that these outbursts are often not a reflection of you; rather, they are reaction to the negative changes brought upon by their decline in health.
2. Try to engage whoever you are caring for in preferred tasks that they enjoy and try to cater to their unique set of needs.
-For example, if someone has difficulty remembering where they are or what time it is, then be sure to modify their environment to help keep them oriented to time and place to reduce confusion (ex. clocks, calendars, signs, etc).
-Some might be more relaxed when classical music is playing in the background so this can be an effective strategy to help reduce the likelihood of a tantrum.
-Try to eliminate triggers that may cause a temper tantrum (ex. loud noises, crowds, etc.)
3. It is normal, healthy, and cathartic to vent.
-Many family caregivers make so many sacrifices and work so hard to do everything in their power to care for their loved ones.
-It can be really discouraging if all your efforts go unappreciated or even worse, if you are berated or yelled by the same person for who you have been making these sacrifices.
-It is important to talk to others or journal your thoughts and frustrations to help provide mental stability and prevent yourself from having your own temper tantrum :)