smartgirl,

Google "causes of narcissism"

These personality disorders or what my therapist likes to call social/psychological diseases are quite complex.

smartgirl - not all narcissists learn to be that way. In some cases it accompanies mental illnesses like personality disorders which can have a genetic component, In those cases they have it for life.

It is ridiculous that the non-narcissist has to get the counseling and do the hard work. It is more than than it is a dam shame for the nature of narcissism is they are not going to change. They are not going to stop their attempts to emotionally blackmail us.

The one thing a narcissist needs to succeed is someone who is codependent or enmesh that they groom us for their abuse.

Thus, we are the only ones who can change by getting out of the emotional blackmail dance. This often means anywhere from no contact to very little contact in order to get and to preserve the hard won freedom.

Therapists often tell people of such abuse to not be the one directly involved in the care of their elderly narcissistic parents for several reasons. 1. The obvious-self preservation. 2. The possible-taking one's anger out of the abusive parent when they become totally defenseless.

I've read so many stories here of adult children leaving quite a sacrificial list behind them in trying to get the parent who has never been a loving parent to change despite all of the warnings otherwise as if they are going to be the exception that actually sees a narcissist change by such sacrifices, but it just does not happen.

People have dishonored their marriages, children, friends, themselves concerning their own health and finances all in the name of what they think is honoring their abusive parent who is not going to change, plus it is not honoring in a healthy way at all.

Help to get free is available and like in any abuse situation, the victim is the only one was has a chance to change toward a healthier life because the abuser is not going to change.

I know that hope springs eternal, but hope must face the reality of the human condition of the narcissist in that they are not going to chose to change because someone reasons them into changing or sacrifices them into changing.

Flee from them and save yourself before they suck you down into their own destruction and h*ll.

Rediculous that the non narcissistic has to do all the work, including getting counseling! Plus be a caregiver? Something has to change. We are not talking about autism, or a way a person is born. If they learned it, they can unlearn it.

Well Srmaddox, that's not necessarily true. There are NPD larger families. The only issue with that is the fact sometimes it's much harder to detect. The parent has enough to go around. In my situation, my mother lost her baby at full term due to doctor negligence. My father never prosecuted and they adopted me three months later. Try dealing with all those emotions at once? Then moms family was also very controlling which probably didn't help things at all being how she was raised. Also 40 years ago they didn't diagnose depression or anxiety like they do now.

So I'm pretty sure there are a lot of factors that left me as an only child. But when you are an only child in the midst of a narcissistic parent, you become the sole focus of their attention.

For me, I didn't really notice a problem until probably in my early to mid 30s. I had been in counseling way before that because I had had a nervous breakdown years prior where I cried for four days straight. I saw him when I could afford him and it was then he introduced me to boundaries. I think I only went a short period of time because I seemed to get in a groove, but years later I hit my breaking point again and just happened to find his number again. It was then when I went in I told him, "I need peace at all costs". It was on that journey over the next decade plus that I realized more fully what was going on.

Then when my father had his stroke in 2004 the lights came all the way on emotionally. But if I had the siblings, I'm not sure if I would have seen things the same way. Possibly, but can't say for sure. The one thing I can say with all certainty that I knew from very early on was the fact my mother was trying to keep me all for herself. Seriously like a slave with perks. I didn't realize how bad the manipulation until I reunited back with dads family and heard all the lies my mom had told family to keep me isolated. But when dad had his stroke, that's when her true colors shown. Dad could no longer keep her under control because of his mental state.

It is an interesting thought, but I think the reality is it just takes longer to see with siblings in the picture than it does as an only child.

I have noticed an interesting pattern. It seems many of us on this theme are only children. I wonder why.?

Kala, I can't say what my reaction would be if I heard a parent say that about me. But I'm already adopted. I learned early on how to defend myself against my mother's "criticisms". When she died, people would say "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss." I'd just say thank you. My initial knee-jerk response I wanted to say was, "I'm not." But then I just come off a bigger B.

Boundaries are huge when dealing with a narcissist and very difficult to put in place. My mantra at peace at all costs is exactly what I meant and with the help of a counselor. It took me almost two decades to get really good at setting boundaries. Learn how to set them. Start with small things. Watch their reactions as you put safe boundaries in place.

All I can say is that after my counselor met the characters finally in my stories of 20 years, he looks at me and just simply says, "You are a survivor." Well thank God for that!!! Narcissism is the worst. Like how my mom did it.... It took me almost 40 years to finally get vindicated. My husband was a lot of my confirmation, but regardless I was vindicated. Now I am free.

Recognize hurting people hurt others. Then put things in place to protect yourself. As an only child it was much more difficult, but at the same time, I didn't have siblings to contend with. Document everything when it comes to situations, doctors, etc.

Hope things are getting better for you. Peace.... it has a high price tag.

Arabella, I just read your post about your situation. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like you are mentally worn out and depressed.
Is it possible that your husband actually isn't demented (or that any dementia is very minimal) and that his pathological behaviors are mainly or solely due to his narcissism? Given that it sounds like your husband hasn't been legally declared mentally incompetent by his drs and so he theoretically is capable of making his own decisions and caring for himself and if you haven't been legally assigned to be his medical power of attorney, you really have no legal obligation to put up with his crap and to care for him. As is usual with the victims of a narcissist (and, you are your husband's victim), victims of narcissists become enmeshed and unhealthily attached with the narcissist and tend enable this person and feel an obligation to them. It's like living with a substance abuser/drug addict. A narcissist is addicted to themselves and they'll do whatever they can to satisfy themselves. Your husband doesn't give a damned about you and feels no loyalty toward you. I speak from experience, having grown up with a father who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).. While my father wasn't demented until his last 3 - 4 years of life and my mother wasn't his caregiver, his many years of mental abuse and just being a horrible and nasty person wore on my mother mentally and eventually had a very negative impact on her both mentally and physically. I believe that her stroke in 2004, which resulted in her becoming demented, was due to the very negative and long-term impacts on her mental and physical health from my father's long-term and unrelenting mental abuse of her. She no longer loved him, but loyalty kept her with him and eventually was her downfall. Unfortunately, she didn't and wouldn't leave him while she was still mentally and physically able because of her sense of loyalty to him. This eventually cost her her life.

People with NPD are very good at manipulation and hiding their pathological behaviors from others, especially non-family members. So, others (including their drs) question that there's anything wrong with them or even recognize that they have NPD or NPD accompanied by dementia. People with NPD also are mentally abusive and are pathological liars. What you are describing about your husband(being a bully toward you, etc) and how he treats you is mental abuse. You do have some choices here.

First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically, before your situation causes you some major health problems. You're still young. My biggest suggestion for you is to seek psychological counseling/therapy for yourself to deal with your depression and feelings of hopelessness over your situation. Second, since your children and other family members are unwilling to help out, seriously consider contacting a local home health agency to have a home health aide come to your home for several hours per day or week to babysit your husband so you can get away and give yourself a mental health break and do things for yourself and that you enjoy. A home health aide can also provide respite care (or, maybe there are facilities in your area that can provide this) over a weekend so that you can get a break from your husband for a weekend. Another suggestion is to find an adult day care program for your husband and have him go to that everyday, either for the entire day or for a half day. If the program requires that someone stay with him while he's at the program, a home health aide can accompany him and stay with him while he's there. This will give you a much needed break from him and will help renew/refresh you mentally.

Third, you need to ask yourself the question: "Am I better with my husband or better off without him?" If your answer is that you're better off without him and given that the narcissism appears to be more of a major factor than dementia and that he hasn't been legally declared mentally incompetent, I also suggest that you seek the counsel of an attorney and consider initiating divorce or legal separation proceedings and then move out of your home. Granted, it's not easy to just pick up and go. But, you have to think about the long-term effects of your husband's mental abuse on you and the fact that you're getting no help or moral support from anyone (friends, family, drs). And granted, divorce sounds cold and yes, you probably feel some loyalty toward your husband. However, from what you're describing and as is usual with victims of narcissists, you are too enmeshed with your husband and are actually enabling him and have a very unhealthy attachment with him. It's possible that the only way to break this unhealthy attachment is to completely detach from him by divorcing/separating from him and living away from him. At this point and before you reach a breaking point that will send you over the edge, you need to put yourself and your needs first, even if this means leaving your husband. This isn't selfish-- this is called self preservation. You've done the best you can for your husband. And, you've put up with way more from him than you deserve to have put up with and for way too long. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy in your life and not have to put up with a narcissist. A narcissist will only rob you emotionally (as is happening with you) and when he/she is done chewing you up, will only spit you out and throw you to the dogs. Having a person with NPD in your life will cause you nothing but unrelenting heartache and will jeopardize your own well-being. Don't feel guilty if you decide to leave your husband and don't listen to other people who tell you that you're wrong for doing this. Unless people have lived with a narcissist and walked in the shoes of having lived with a narcissist, they are NOT in a position to judge those of us who have lived with one and have had to take actions to detach ourselves from them. Also, if you're worried that your husband would have nobody to care for him if you leave him, remember that narcissists, with their highly developed skills of manipulation and pathological lying, will be very resourceful and will find people to help them. If you can divorce or legally separate from your NPD husband, you then no longer have any legal responsibility to care for him and won't have to put up with his mental abuse anymore.

Best of luck as you go through this heartbreak. Please don't give up on your life because you do have choices as per my suggestions above.

mitzipinki, BTDT been there done that. And my dad did the same thing when his 24 yr old son (my brother) was murdered back in 1972. I was 17 yrs old, my sister was 27. (Another son had died soon after birth years prior). A day or so after my brother's passing, my father commented within my hearing 'Why couldn't it have been one of the girls and not my son?'. Thanks a lot, right? BTW, the night I received the call that my brother had been murdered (in another state) I got on the phone calling clubs to try to find where my dad was. Called some friends to also try to find him and have him come home. As he got out of the car, slamming the car door, facing me on the front porch steps, yelling why did I call him home, what was the emergency...I told him 'XXX was murdered, he's dead' and my dad's reply was 'People die. You could have told me this when I got home'. How dare I pull him away from his friends and partying, when this news could have very well waited. And yet of course he is a 'sweetheart' to all....

BTDT? Yeah... Your dads story sounds familiar. I remember when mom starved herself down to 77 lbs (she was trying to kill she & dad - whole other story). She was taken to the hospital. Regardless she was "mom" and I was still there for her, but not like I was for dad and boy did that tick her off (again another long story). But during her stay she became delusional, trying to leave hospital and they called me to come stay with her (HA) and when I went there, since staff had no clue of our history.... I could see mom clearly had something health wise going wrong. At one point a doctor came in and mom said to me, "Oh it's okay I'm going home with her." Without a thought I replied, "Like h*ll you are." And the doctor whipped her head around to look at me. I left the room and started crying. This was not a person who had been good to me growing up. A nurse saw me crying and stopped to talk to me and I explained a few things. Well they decided to admit mom to geriatric psych to do more testing and they could monitor her better. Come to find out her brain had shrunk due to being dehydrated (never heard that one) and medicine that would make her eat to give her nutrition.

After some time, she returned to her old self. She was grateful at first, but it wasn't long before she was back to her old narcissistic ways. My job as their only child and durable power of attorney was to ensure they were cared for. I did just that. I did it fiercely. For my dad I could stand by his side. For mom, I had to do most of it through phone calls or meeting with staff behind the scenes because she so hated me if she knew I was behind something, she would do the opposite every time out of spite. Nothing new I realize. But after she wished me dead (another story) all bets were off. When she was so defiant with me, I'd actually have bets with AL staff. This made their day a little easier with laughter and kept my sanity in tact.

When mom always told me how much I'd miss her when she was gone and after she died.... I just looked to the sky and said, "I'm glad you are restored now, but I hate to tell ya, I don't miss you." and that was that. I go on about my life. Little things she used to say that now she can't control I laugh because I know if she were here it would irk her to no end. I'm going on to enjoy my life. She had every amp,e opportunity.

mitzipinki...again LOL...BTDT....you asking others to watch the parent for a week or 2 or 3...THEN tell you what a 'sweetheart' they are....of course no one ever takes you up on that offer, lol. He CAN be the sweetest thang on earth for a few hours to a stranger or nurse. Like your story, my dad is so negative and so full of himself, every relative was of course jealous of him or not good enuf or would just want something from him...so he never kept in touch with his many siblings. Which left our family circle pretty small, the way he liked it, no competition for his attention and needs and wants. Even tho he doesn't fully understand a Christmas card or birthday card now, I will say 'oh look, cousin Jean sent you a beautiful card!' and his reply will be 'they probably just want to come stay at my place for vacation and live off me coz look at what all I have' (imagine this said grandly with his arms out-swept wide to encompass his belongings.) Pitiful. He always swore he would outlive all of us and it's just me left so.....

KalaFW, its hard to go through every scenario with my mother, but even my mother died on her terms. The difference between my father's death and my mother's death is night and day. He died with a smile and a peace about him. My mother died a pasty grey color and an angry look on her face. I wish I could say I missed her, but I truly cannot.

I just learned to forgive her. I still don't let her off the hook because she had a great life that she never seemed to fully enjoy just demanded more and more. My mom surrounded herself with toxic people in her life that she considered great people. When I had to start taking care of she and dad, I discovered right away how toxic those people were. I later discovered in life due to mom's manipulation how family and people that were decent human beings she pushed away or told me they were crazy family members.

As an only child, now I don't have a lot of family and to be honest, I can credit my mother for that with all the lies she told. But God is replacing people in my life and its okay. The one thing she did teach me was stubbornness. Although for her she used it for evil. For me, I use that stubbornness for good. It has finally allowed me to get into an area in life that I have had to put off for 35+ years because it was always living to her standards and I never knew better.

But the past is just that. For your dad to make it to 90 is a miracle to be celebrated, but probably on your own. His feistiness is probably what keeps him ticking because he does feel he is everyone's savior. So be it. Just don't feel guilty for keeping yourself healthy emotionally and physically.

People who used to tell me how sweet my mother was, etc.... I used to make them an offer. You stay with her a week and care for her and I'll sign off on everything they own to you. NO ONE took me up on my offer. I think deep down they knew or they thought I was crazy. Either way..... the truth was known whether admitted or not.

I feel bad for my mother. But her life was her choice and I no longer have to live like that or under that. Woo hoooo!!

mitzpinki, I read your post, read it again, called my husband in to read it with me....you are the voice in my head. Thank you for your post.....BTW, several years ago my dad had a serious accident and almost died. Hospital suggested I first break the news to him, with them standing outside the door to come in after I told him he was near death. I was gentle, compassionate, calm. I told him he was near death, his body was failing him rapidly, and I asked him if he wanted to pray with me. His reply upon hearing he was dying was...Now you know I'm not going to get into all that junk (Praying) (even tho in public he was the one who liked to stand up front and sing and pray the loudest, making sure all saw how much he put into the offering plate)...then said 'of course I know you will miss me, but I can't live forever for you'. Really? someone tells you that you are dying and the first thing out of your mouth is the narcissistic fact that someone can't go on without your earthly presence? BTW, he overcame this accident and is now 90 yrs old.

Now that my mother is gone, I feel sorry for her that she never got to experience life at its best. She was always trying to take for her. Yes, she was a narcissist in every sense of the word, plus even gave an experienced counselor a lesson in narcissism.

I love when people say I just didn't understand my mother. Or the fact my mother performed for her audience. Oh I understood perfectly well. But whatever factors in life got her to be that way, she was miserable. Occasionally I'll go back and look at pictures growing up and I look at her. There was only one or two pictures of her truly being happy. I find them very difficult to look at, but she was a hurting person who definitely hurt those closest to her.

I often think did dad recognize her behavior. Did he see something that no one else did? I could never understand it. As I got older and could defend myself verbally, or tell people about her behavior, she had the lies so ingrained I was never qualified in my comments until.... Later in life when dad had his stroke and her world came crashing down. Then her true colors showed through. Still not too many people learned of it, but enough who later in life came to me and said they were sorry they never believed me. That was satisfying.

But there was never an end to her demands. Never an end to the lies she would chew on to convince herself. She tried so many ugly things in my life to keep me all to herself almost like her slave. Looking back at some of them, I'll be honest, I'm surprised I'm still married. My husband was her saving grace. Believe me when I say that.

My counselor once told me, "You can't get blood from a stone." He was right. When I learned that, letting go emotionally was a lot easier. When mom wished me dead once, it made it even easier after that to emotionally separate. I was always told that I would be miserable in my life after she was gone. I'd regret saying things like I had. But I'll be honest. It's been three years since she passed and I don't miss her. I miss her "good" days, but those were too far and few. I don't miss the rest of it at all. Finally my marriage is being restored now that she's not there to pull the strings and I'm finally moving on with things I truly do enjoy without her voice in my head. It does get easier, but when you have someone that intense in your life, there truly is no emotional escape, just boundaries that help you hang on to sanity. Once they are gone, sanity is finally restored. Cruel? Maybe, but until you have had a narcissist in your life, don't talk to me. It is a training ground like no other and let me tell ya.... don't become your mother!!!

I meant to add that we live? exist? in Sydney, Australia......

I've read a few heartbreaking stories here. Much love to all of you. Try to keep smiling. I cannot. i do not know what to do. Presently, I am my husband's carer. Or, am I......nobody seems to care a hoot.
When we married I really thought that I loved this man..it took only a few months for me to realise that He is a narcissist..A bully...and sometimes...a coward. Now, with whatever style or kind of dementia, (for I don't care which word is applied to this disgusting disease), my entire spirit is dying. Lately, 'things' have become much worse! Our children, a son & daughter do not wish to become 'involved"..so, no care for their father's carer. The rest of the family is skeptical that the disease process is even in progress. No care for the carer. A few long-time friends are equally skeptical. the local doctor is disinterested despite knowing what this disease is doing to my husband and to me. In short, what to do? Unable to go 'out'..kept on my toes 24/7..telephone calls =listen in to find out what I am 'doing'. No need to continue...Oh, perhaps age might be of interest in the game of "who can stay the distance"..He, the patient is 75 yrs. The carer, me, his wife of more than 40 years, 67 yrs. Does anyone care at all. Anyone...no, not a question...rhetorical....nothing and no one.

I actually went to the Build-A-Bear store and purchased one of their little recording devices for $8.00 that you can make your own personalised message to sew into the arm of "your bear." Then I went into their bathroom and records, "I don't care!" "So what." and so on. I took it home and whenever my narcissistic MIL started crapping on again about how she was all alone (living with us FULL TIME) and sighing that life was no good, I just pressed the right bear paw and it would say, "I don't care!" BIG SIGH "So what!" (another BIG SIGH.) I really thought of producing them for people who are totally fed up with the self-centered belly aching. I will even personalize your message for you. Get them before they get you!!!!! And after!!!

Agreed BKflorida. I had no idea how BPD affected the entire family of the person. Yes she has always made my life miserable. Never good enough to suit her in any endeavor.
Thanks to all that have shared theur story to reinforce my decision to stay completely away from her. I could have written any of these posts. The issues are all just about the same just varying details. Thanks to all for their contributions.

I am so thankful as well for this group. Sad to know there are others who have and are suffering the same, but we can sure tell some stories like you said Wildbees!
Lately my super codependent mother has tried to befriend me again by phone only for her moment of happiness and snooping for my Narc dad while he is attacking my cousin blaming her for stealing. She actually is paying part of his bills. He is the one not paying his taxes and about to get himself I to trouble by his own hand. I'm trying to stay out of it, but it is hard to watch someone else take the blow when she already went through this with her own dad in the past. (My dads brother was also a Narc among other issues.)
We are both very emotionally exhausted of them both. I am constantly finding ways to cut communications, (Online, etc) so dad has no way to pry into my life or by way of his friends to snoop. I have nothing to hide, he just wants to know if I am planning to take all the mo eu he doesn't have anyway and put him in a home I guess. I have no idea what he thinks anymore. Other than he believes he is part of a mafia and needso in case a "job" needs to be done. What a joke.
Where's the exit door to the theater so I can leave this horrible movie?? LOL

Beckums70 and Cmagnum, Thank you so much for coming and posting on this forum. I am so grateful to you and everyone on here. I have a narcissistic mother and up until I found this group, I had no where to turn.

Thank you!!!! You can only laugh or ignore insults for so long (2/3 days for me) before you either feel like what they say or get angry. Only someone who is deaf can continue to ignore it or laugh it off. Just visited my mother for 5 days and thank goodness for my husband. When she said I was browbeating my husband (to both our faces), I started wiggling my eye brows at him and we both laughed. That caused an increase of attacks/insults for hours. Which the poor guy had to hear and not know what to do. For at least 10 years, she hid it from him-not any more.

A real human adult, even 59 years old (me) can not just listen to constant barrage of insults, slights etc. They do not ever get better with age, even a tiny bit. It is so practiced, ingrained, and constant with them-that hello-we are just a punching bag for them, FOREVER. It even gets worse because they lose some sense to hide or forgets to pretend sometimes. The only cure I have found is to always have someone else there. They have to keep up the façade in public, which does get tiring for people in their 80's. So they will go to their room voluntarily. (gosh, now I sound cruel).

The best advise I received from a therapist was when I called an emergency hot line and read the letter my mother sent me after I sent her one asking for $100 because I was suddenly homeless. The therapist said "now you know to never, ever go to her when you are in trouble" Smartest thing ever suggested to me and it has saved me a lot of heart ache.

I think you should have a joke page where we can post our most incredible accusations. Like the time my mother got sick on the plane after she visited me. She accused me of slipping LSD in her coffee. Or when she denied that she put me in the attic when I was 6 years old--and I said "well, I was in kindergarden so I was either 5 or 6-and she said "oh, yes but it was only for 8 years not 10.

I am so sad to read that someone like me has their mother in their house. It makes me want to cry. You deserve better, my heart breaks. I can barely visit her 2/3 times a year for a couple days and I only do that because she is my mother. I will over see her care if/when it is needed but in assisted living etc, she will never be in my safe home.

My cousin, who is my dad's brother's daughter (he passed in 2004 and was just as bad with control and narcissism as my dad) had taken on caring for my grandfather and his estate in his final few years as he couldn't care for himself. Back in the day, the family had a lot of money, this was since stolen as papaw allowed others into his banking and such. He passed in 2011 and since then my cousin s been blamed for stealing and hiding money. She has shown me enough to prove she hasn't but my Narc dad and overly supportive of him mom is so greedy, still believes she thief like they have all the rest of the family. They both have just gotten past some rough health and depressive states these past few months and feel empowered to attack her through an attorney while calling me and giving me their side of it trying to befriend me again like we can be a happy family (as if we ever were!). They don't know. Have had contact with my cousin as they hate and distrust everyone no matter what side of the family they are on. That would be because my parents are secretive, weird, and mean of course. They have their formerly faces in and dad is even sending his "friendly" emails again which are not funny and very disturbing because if his poor sense of humor.
Where should I stand in all this? Stay silent, block them from all Facebook connections, keep going as I am and let them pretend they have a family, or continue telling mom I'm standing my ground on the decision not to be around dads toxic behavior and personality for my own self and she needs to stop trying to believe otherwise. She acts like she doesn't even hear me, but I meant it when I said he wasn't welcome at my house after the last condesending visit he made.

I believe that most therapists who are familiar with the abusiveness of the various personality disorders and with abuse in general would advise children of abusive/narcissistic parents to not be the direct caregiver of the parent like my wife's therapist advised her. She even advised her on how far she should always live away from where her mother lives. We have extremely limited contact with her for only short time periods and always stay in a hotel.

Beckums70, this is the most helpful comment because you work with the elderly but you acknowledge that children of any age are hurt by parents' insults and ungratefulness. When they have done almost nothing for us but want so much from us, this is like robbing the bank--no deposits just withdrawals under duress...
My husband has taken over many responsibilities with my mother that would necessitate me dealing with her and it is the first peace I have had in 9 years. She is in A Living and they take care of her. I pay bills and deal with many things not directly causing me to have to come in contact with her. Her AL has put her into psychiatric treatment. All these things have helped tremendously. I encourage all children of abusive/narcissistic parents to save themselves any way they can. This parent never performed their role of nurturing and caring for you. You are not obligated now to do everything for them and try to fill their bottomless cup. They will continue to rob you of your peaceful life and may well outlive you. You cannot keep responsibilities to grateful, caring family and friends when sapped by this parent's incessant demands. Their needs are never ever filled so no need to try!

From the perspective of someone who has worked with seniors in long term care for many years, I want to say that I completely understand the very complicated and painful position of children who find themselves caring for narcissistic or otherwise abusive parents. Those of us who work in long term care do not judge you when you come to the end of your rope and have to find other care-options for your parents. We have the advantage of never having known your mothers or fathers until they day they step inside our facilities. We have no bad memories of how they've mistreated us, and we are trained in handling difficult behaviors from elders without allowing those behaviors to be injurious to us on an emotional level. The longer I have worked in this field the more I have come to understand the value of society as a whole taking responsibility for the care of our elders. Sometimes caring for a parent is just more than one caregiver can possibly bear, especially when there is a history of personality disorder or abuse.

In my opinion, we should accept NO abuse from anyone, ever and I think that includes aging parents. Of course there are times when a non-personality disordered parent develops dementia and may display some behavior problems, but absent the past abuse and life-long dysfunctional relationship dynamics, those folks are much easier to tolerate and caregivers can find lots of support in caring for them. Unfortunately, there isn't much support out there for people who have to live with a personality disordered other in their lives at any age.

Yep. Three doctors have called my mother's effect on my body toxic but I am the only one who can be here for her. Thank God she has had enough health to be independent so I have shaped my relationship with her into detached, and rolled with her one sided conversations, but it's still very sad. As soon as I am not with her or off the phone I have a routine of consciously and quickly directing my attention away from her and on to my work, or well, just about anything else! First my soothing New Agey music or favorite "station" comes on from Pandora, and then I just start an activity, getting myself totally in the present and not with her or reacting to her or etc. I put it back on me. And even while I am with her, I stay in touch with myself. If we are on the phone I hold it away from my head and ears and periodically grunt uh-huh, really, that's too bad, or that's nice. She does not allow for more conversation anyways.

Past two years she forgot, or purposely decided not to acknowledge my birthday.

Yes, all this hurts, especially since we used to be as close as girl friends. I miss that person, even though she still was a Narc and BPD, etc all her life. But now it's one dimensional and I have to witness her decline. But no way will she ever live with me: I live in a yucky one bedroom and no place for even a cat. Some bad things can be life savers! :)

Love persists still and that too is nice to know, at least on my end. I love my mother but....yeah, you know the rest!

I have both counselor and psychiatrist plus meds for anxiety & depression. Husband does the face to face at AL w mom and I do her dr, bills, meds etc. Works just fine so far but past damage has taken its toll. I will try to stop the ill will but they are all adults.I have explained to them about her NPD. We are doing far better since I dont see her. All my healthcare professionals have said she is poison and do not give her a chance to upset you ever again. I am trying and succeeding.

I will look into that this week. I know of one that specializes in families with this issue about 30 miles north, of course the drive is minimal to what one would gain!
I talked to mom today and although her head cold is better after I had to walk her through going to the doctor, she has once again (among many times now) drank the magnesium liquid that is sold at the pharmacy for constipation to the point of fainting and stripping her gut of all good fluids and bacteria. So she is once again recovering from severe light headedness. I have more than once told her to see the doctor and what to ask him for that will work. It seems to be her mental "sickness" to have the fear of constipation and take drastic measures to fix it. She won't wven listen to my Narc dad- which is amazing-as to what to do. She has hit a major depression point and needs to see a therapist herself but that won't happen anytime soon.
As I have done in the past, I will save myself before the one drowning pull me under! It is so sad to see parents do this to themselves.

Cmagnum, I couldnt agree more. Counseling is the best thing when you are the victim of a narcissistic parent.

My mother tried to get me to divorce my husband. I found out too late in life that she also kept me away from family by always telling them I was busy. It wasn't until my dads stroke when his family started coming around that I learned the truth. Even my good friend she tried pitting us against each other to keep me all for herself basically as a slave.

Once you are aware of the issue, fight hard to restore function in your life and don't be afraid to squash dysfunction. I've had a counselor by my side for two decades. I wouldn't trade that for anything!!

Srmaddox, sorry to hear of the damage your NPD mom has done. That is heartbreaking! You are not alone.

To move from this point on, I would suggest seeing a counselor who can help you as an adult child of a NPD and see what help you could gain that would benefit your family as well.

There is something about caregiving for an elderly parent that will bring anything to the surface that is unresolved from the past. I wish you the best in your journey.