Hi Megan, yes, I can totally relate to what Sherraz says. I've looked after my two parents since they were 75. They are both now approaching 90. The first 5 or 6 years were the worst. Nothing as bad as your situation but I felt that I was giving everything I had, leaving no time for myself. I had no partner or other family to support me. I just seemed to be working to support them, eating, sleeping and caring, and then back to work. My sister was worse than useless. I felt totally alone, exhausted and isolated. My parents just seemed to think about themselves and got more and more demanding. In the end I blew my top. Had to apologise to them as I said terrible things, but I was so exhausted I lost all perspective. I got counselling and the counsellor devised this contract idea. I was at my wits end so I tried it. Of course they refused at first but I persisted. I phrased it in such a way that they couldn't refuse. I said that if I got sick they'd have no one to look after them so they'd probably end up in social care anyway. It worked. It's still not easy. My mother especially is very narcissistic as well as an increasing cognitive decline which makes her behaviour even worse. I'm still here caring for them but I've made strict boundaries and I take time for myself. Yes, they call me a bully when I try to make them see the doctor, they call me an awful daughter when I want to go out for the evening, they call me all sorts. but theyve stuck to the boundaries and I can manage. I can even have a life. I've had to cut all ties with my sister though as she wouldn't stick to the boundaries. Like Sherraz I felt a sort of lightness, a big relief. It's hard at first but I've put me first which means I can still do my duty as a daughter. Don't be afraid. You can do it. Be firm with them and be strong. We are all with you and thinking of you.

Wow, Megan, my heart goes out to you. I can so relate with all you have said. Narcissists are very clever at manipulation, you just don't suspect that they have a problem. This is mainly due to the 'conditioning' that you got as a child - being constantly told how clever, pretty, well liked they are - while us 'good-for-nothing' daughters don't deserve to be loved.
Megan, you are worth so much more than this! Don't let her damage your family. I'm with Nell about maybe trying a 'contract' and see how it goes. Ultimately though, you need to take care of yourself.
My situation has turned out well. Last year, after exactly the same situation as you, regarding the tablets, my husband was called to her flat (fortunately she doesn't live with us) and he was told that she never wanted to see me again. After the initial upset, it was like a weight had been lifted from us, we could start enjoying life again. We were no longer having to put up with her feigned illnesses to get attention, or to stop us from going on holiday. I only wish that I had severed ties with her years ago, I would have been so much happier, my mother on the other hand, seems devoid of any empathy for her fellow man (or woman). I realise that your situation is far more difficult and it's compounded by the dementia. I send you my very best wishes and I'd like to let you know that there are those of us that know just what you're going through and offer heartfelt support.

Hi Megan, if it was me, I'd devise a sort of 'contract' listing all the things that you do for her as your caring responsibilities since she's moved in with you . Then I'd write another list of things that you expect from her, such as showing you respect (not badmouthing you to others, verbal and physical abuse etc), contributing to the household expenses, chores etc, and whatever else you want to add, and then get her to sign it. If she does not want to sign it, or if the contract is 'breached' by bad behaviour, then the only alternative is contacting social services about moving her into a home. If she realises what the alternative is, she may start treating you better. If not, then its probable that you'll never be able to help her or do anything well enough for her. You and your family's health is at risk here. I hope you can get some help.

I am in the same predicament except I don't/can't work to take care of her. See my story above. I'm at my wits end!

And, the setting boundaries does NOT work with her.

I took my mom in about two years ago when she began falling. I have 5 siblings who do NOTHING! I moved her into my home because, at the time, I had just been laid off and was the only one that could. My father had passed away 3 years prior. She stopped driving (on her own, thank goodness) and luckily made me PIA and Health Care directive POA. She also put me on her checking account as a signer so I could pay her bills. Two things I did not expect. One...she's developed vascular dimentia. Two, through her verbal abuse since she was diagnosed, I began to do research and realized she is also a narcissist. It slapped me in the face. All those years of no affection and having to jump when she said jump came flooding back. You see, I thought all my anxiety and depression was related to one thing...my father sexually abusing me. Now, I realize she was also abusing me in a different way. When she gets angry with me, she calls everyone including my older brother (who just wants her money) and tells them how horrible I am. Yesterday, she lost her meds I picked up for her for bronchitis. She swore that the pharmacy didn't put them in the bag. I tried to tell her they did and that I had put them on the table for her the night before. I ended up (after she made several rude calls to the pharmacy) going and getting the medication again. But, because I argued with her about this, when I got back, she told me to come in her room. I stood there like an 8 year old being scolded while she pointed her finger at me and said if I ever argued with her again, she was reporting me for elderly abuse! I just said ok mama and quietly walked away. This is driving me insane. Now, after years of therapy for the sexual abuse, I'm going to have to start back for the abuse she's done. Even my 5 year old has to go to therapy because my mother has made her "scared" of everything. I can't believe I didn't see the narcisissim! But, honestly I didn't even know what it was until recently. My dad left her plenty of money in insurance to pay off the house, however, she dwindled it down in 3 short years to almost nothing. She has so much credit card debt, it's crazy! I'm trying to pay things off, but she will get catalogs and call and order things! She tries to get me to use them but I refuse! If she buys me anything or my husband or daughter, it is held over our heads like ransom! We sold our house and took over the note on hers to save it and added on. Now, we are regretting it, but are stuck with it financially. My brother is costantly trying to make her feel guilty and trying to get her to give him more land. He's already received his inheritance. I had to buy mine and we pay the house payment and most of the utilities. She chips in on groceries only, which is almost a daily trip for me because she is always thinking of something she needs. We went to visit my father in law for two hours, because he just came home from the hospital and is not doing well. My husband was trying to install bars in the bathroom to help him when taking a bath. My mother calls and hour and 45 mins after we had left home and acts like she can't breathe and wants to know when we were coming home. I told her we were on the way. She hung up on me. When I got here, she was breathing just fine smiling and reading a book! She hates for ANYbody to get attention other than her. She even competes with me for my husbands attention! If I had known she would get dementia AND she was a narcissist, I would never have taken this in. My sanity is in the tubes right now! She triangulated my brothers and sisters and me against each other. My husband and I are the only ines that see this. I always says I'd never put her in a home, but now I'm thinking differently...mainly for my daughter!

I am not sure whether this is narcissism or a case of her becoming resentful with her lack of capacity. Either way, it is very unpleasant for you. For your own sake and for the sake of your family you need to take care of yourselves too . As much as you will probably hate the thought, - have you considered a care home?

First of all set boundaries and verbalize them so they will not come as any surprise to her. If worse case, write them down for her. You may also have to get blunt and tell her its not that she isn't loved, its because of that love that she's there, however, there are rules in place, and you have a lot on your plate. You are willing to help, but here is how it is going to go. Adjust accordingly for your own.

My mother when I wouldn't budge for her used to tell me how mean I was and how stubborn. I used to look at her and ask, "Didn't you raise me this way?" She never said a word. Then there were other times she said that to me and I would reply, "I use my stubbornness for good, not evil." Oh she didn't like that either and I would just get the look, but no reply.

Boundaries is the most important. People hate them, so don't expect anyone even her to agree or she may really fight you. But like a child, you must set them for their safety and your sanity.

Prayers with you!

For me, I did draw the line. But they are still human beings and other than a chemical imbalance (if there is no reason for it - examining family dynamics, etc), that it is a boundary of basic necessities. That is where I went. My obligation legally as a durable power of attorney (due to my father's request) was to care for them. So I did it with strong boundaries. It does not mean she was still not exhausting, People were really bothered when I used to say I would never miss my mother when she was gone, but its the truth and she died 4 years ago, and I don't miss her one iota. That was her loss, not mine. All we can do is the best we can. Put those boundaries in place to protect us emotionally. And for me about 20 years of therapy in addition :D

Help. My mother moved in last year with my husband and 2 children under 5. I thought it would help as she lived with my sister who was going crazy with her. It started off well but now I am depressed and not wanting to come home. She often takes offense at stupid things, she expects everything to be done there and then despite me working full time otherwise 'I don't care enough' about her. I am struggling at work and on days off am taking her out rather than spending precious time with my kids. I don't know what to do...

I live with my mother and she is a narcissist. I didn't realise that she was until I reached breaking point recently. Now it is so clear. She has had a bad life of it for lots of reasons, but now she is badly diabetic and losing her sight. She moved in with us last year but now I am starting to hate her. She is divisive and judgemental and selfish to the detriment of my family. I have 2 kids under 5 and a supportive husband.

Don't be afraid to trust your own judgment, that gut feeling, that you are being abused. You will be the last to know and this intuition is your last attempt to save yourself.

My sis has some of those characteristics though she is not bipolar. Mother, despite her BPD, does show that she has a heart once in a rare while. My sister not so much - she is more psychopathic.
Granddaughter, I am glad you are not caring for that individual. They are so toxic.

Narcissism can be a symptom of a larger condition they can be born with. It can often be hard to tell where one stops and another begins. I'm dealing with a late onset Bi-polar who seethes the dark triad traits; narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Fortunately she is not the person I'm caring for, as her tactics are unbearable.

I so agree.

I believe that at least some are born with it. In my mother's family there are several with personality disorders and narcissism as she has. My sis has it too from as long as I can remember. You have to look after yourself.

Mmmm. I have spent a lifetime trying to understand my mother whilst counseling myself. Although it is normal to feel compassion to your fellow human beings, like you say, you have to draw the line somewhere. My 92 year old mother has now, not only stepped over the line, but once over, hit the ground running. Narcissists can be insidious in their manipulation, their toxicity can be overwhelming. My heart goes out to anyone trying to care for these people.
Incidentally, I think that I have to disagree with you that narcissists are not necessarily born. My grandmother always thought that my mother was, well, 'different'. I have a suspicion that it may be a form of schizophrenia, particularly as my brother has this condition.

My mama has been abused by her Narcissistic mother her whole life. As a child she was told things like, "I wish you were as pretty as me". (mom looks and is built like her dad){I've told her what a blessing it is. If she had looked like Grandma the abuse would have been worse} As an adult Grandma has been worse. Upon losing Grandpa to a heatstroke induced brain infection 13 yrs ago Grandma dumped everything on my mom. (of course "Grandpa never went outside and gardened"according to Grandma) {I never came to visit that Grandpa wasn't outside in the garden}Now she endures constant manipulation, and comments like, "there is nothing like a bond between a mother and her sons." then rambling on about her perfect sons that only visit 3 times a year if she can manipulate them into it.

The only time Grandma has ever acknowledged Mom's talents (and there are many) is when Mom was featured in a newspaper for building a lifesize elephant for a production of Phantom of the Opera. It's the only picture she keeps handy of my Mom, and makes sure to tell people that is "her" daughter whenever they come to visit. I only really learned of the way she was treated when I called one day to wish Gran a happy birthday. Apparently I have the misfortune of sounding exactly like my mom on the phone. She berated me for a solid 30 seconds before I stopped her, "It's about time you called! Don't you love your mother?" It wasn't even noon yet, and Grandma was supposed to be on her way to the airport so there was no reason for her to expect any call. Grandma had hidden it from me until then, but I couldn't unsee it.

Fast forward through the 13 yrs since Grandpa died. Grandma at 86 started to see things in herself, age wise, that scared her. She asked my husband and I to buy her house. As soon as we were set to do so, she changed her mind, and wanted to rent it to us. We told her no, and it turned into a lease option that we were smart enough to get contracted. The stipulations were that we got to fix everything that was wrong with it. Mr and I built our first house when we were 23, so the remodel would be easy enough. I still have no idea why she agreed to it. As soon as the destructive parts of the remodel took place she shut down. Up until now she had drug her feet about getting a contract. As soon as the big changes were over with we signed a contract that gave us both power to nix big changes on the farm. No other big changes took place. That was last year.

Grandma has glaucoma, and it has gotten steadily worse. Then in May of this year she had a headache that lasted a whole week. Grandma (now 88) wore her sunglasses everywhere, even in the garden she tells everyone she does by herself(I can count the number of hours she's spent, all season on my hands). She won't wear her sunglasses anywhere, so I found this odd. That week she blew up at me over a broken hose; threatened to "beat me senseless". When I realized she was confused I got the parts and fixed the hose. That was her first significant mood swing. She'd been showing signs of memory loss, and depression, but I had always been able to diplomatically fix them before she blew-up.

For the last three months she's been getting more confused, and has all the classic signs of congestive heart failure, but she won't go see a doctor. I think the headache was a mini-stroke, and I think she's been having them for awhile; this was a bigger than usual one that affected her reasoning and problem solving. I have 4 small children, and I'm living in "her house!" and the blow-ups are getting worse. When I had the audacity to tell her not to yell at me in front of my children over a hose she was convinced I had changed (she hadn't turned it on) she began calling her out of state son to tell him we were here to take advantage of her. Her local boys had been up several times, and hopefully know different. Thank god we had the foresight to have a contract drawn up despite her constant nagging, "Don't you trust me?!"

If there are two sides to a coin Grandma is one, and her baby brother is the other. Uncle J is sweet, and has a psychology degree from his younger days. She's still able to convince him that she's always been sweet, until last Saturday when I attempted to show her the receipts I've saved from the remodel. One third of our income, last year, spent correcting long standing issues in the house, and we still have roots in the drains, and termites in a load bearing wall. She blew up at us, and dear uncle J got to see it. Though he and I agree she's in the early stages of dementia, she's still got him fooled that she wasn't/isn't one of the most manipulative, and abusive people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. Upside...Mom finally knows it's not her fault her mother never showed her love, and in defense of her own daughter has finally started standing up for herself. Sorry about the long post. I'd love suggestions if you have them, otherwise I'll muddle through and keep encouraging her to see a doctor. In the meantime my kids who used to go watch cartoons with her and raid her candy jar, have learned to run for cover when they see her coming. Sad really. How many kids get to grow up with a great grandma?

Thank you Beckums70. Yes, my mom has used the suicide talk for ages. She's changed the language a bit, but she still has that pattern of the dramatic pause of that makes sense. ("I'm not going to be around for long .... [dramatic pause]") I wish she'd realize that she'd be living with us and seeing us most of the time if she hadn't done a lot of her drama and thrown many accusations at us. The damage is pretty bad, too. Not the worst flooding ever, but a huge part of the basement carpet is soaked and we're removing lots of damaged items while waiting for the cleanup guys and contractors to do their thing. Oh well, we'll have a new look for the basement when it's all over and done with.

Heidi, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that behavior. At some point in her life your mom found that the "suicide threat" worked for her. It got her what she wanted, whether it was attention or something else she was angling for. People tend to cling to behaviors like this even long after they've stopped having the desired effect on the people around them. It's actually a fairly common ploy used by histrionic people to get attention. That doesn't make it easy to tolerate, but if you can see where it's coming from you can give yourself a break when she starts with this kind of talk. She is very manipulative and goes straight for the jugular with guilt. Do what you need to do and don't feel bad. You'll get back over to see her as soon as you reasonably can. She's not going to wilt from lack of attention.

I need to vent for a moment. It's been a crazy few weeks. A friend, her mom is dying. A niece married (good news!). A former boss (who sort of was like a kind uncle to me), an aunt (in-law), a co-worker's wife, and my father-in-law have died in the last six months.
Mom is a group home, mostly doing better thanks to regular care.
But if she doesn't get enough attention she starts her mood swings. The caretaker, who my mom loves, has been distracted because her mom has been sick, really sick, and is juggling that and her regular work.
I've been distracted with this, that and the other.
I try and keep in touch with my mom, and see her weekly, but haven't been able to visit in a couple weeks.
I was trying to go for tomorrow, but we had severe rains and our basement flooded, so I'm scrambling with trying to get it repaired and prevent further damage (like mold, for starter) and file a claim, etc.
My mom, I tell her this, that I'll try and see her Sunday instead, and she goes off: "Well, I hope to see you one more time ..." What does she mean, I ask her. Well, she doesn't want to say explicitly, but she's not happy so of course she throws out her suicide card.
Of course I shouldn't get worked up, it feels like that final straw.
I know she feels trapped in the home and thinks her landlady (for now, she thinks that) put her in the home for revenge of some sort, but why does she have to bring up the suicide card? She always plays that. Not happy with this or that, then it's death by hanging or pills or slashing wrists. I feel like I'm dealing with the boy who cried wolf!

Go no contact with the old psycho & let them fend for themselves. Go low to no contact before they get old & relieve yourself of any legal burden.

I cared for a narcissistic father-in-law. I could only manage it for a few months. He was watching porn when I was there, regularly spoke to me like I was an idiot, ridiculed my son, often felt sorry for himself. I was encouraged to believe I was witnessing a significant "personality change", but the sibling rivalry and dysfunction in each of the children's' lives pointed to a lifelong pattern of abuse and competition for what tiny scraps of love or affirmation was available.
I removed myself from the situation. It was just to hard to see what the aging parent had done and continued to do when interacting with my husband, who I love very much. Is the article saying that Narcissists cannot have an epiphany about what they have done? That repentance is impossible? If so, continuing to accept the abuse is damaging with no upside. How can that be healthy? As a daughter-in-law I stood up to the Narcissist. I confronted him for calling my husband names. I explained to him that he did not my permission to speak to me as if I was stupid. In response, my sister-in-law is chilly. I would imagine she thinks, I put up with abuse for years and still do, does she think she's better than I am, setting limits?! I do not think I am better. I think EVERYONE is better than to accept abuse.

It's Tuesday afternoon, and my mom just called. Not liking the home. The woman who runs it let her buy cigarettes and a bit of schnapps Sunday night so she'd feel comfy -- she can have some cigarettes out on the patio with the other smokers. My mom got a huge bottle of schnapps. Sunday night. Party-size.

Today she calls and says it's a racket and I need to pick her up tomorrow or make my husband drive me there to pick her up. The woman who runs the home says she's had no drama but says this bottle of schnapps is mostly empty. Apparently my mom has been dumping it in coffee in the morning, sipping throughout the afternoon, drinking at night. I think I know why she's had some falls. And this was bought Sunday evening. 48 hours later this massive bottle of booze is almost gone.

My mom also threatened to leave if I don't get her, to just walk out and start walking home. She never ceases to be a pain. Apparently we're supposed to upend our lives to accommodate her. My husband just needs to take a personal day to go and fetch her, or I'm supposed to drop everything and handle this, and I'm in the middle of a cold that looks like it'll turn into bronchitis. But everything's for her!

Will this never end?

Thanks, @gladimhere. For the amount of stress and drama and accusations I've faced in the last dozen years I do hope this gets me less stress and a bit more time to focus on personal things both mundane and enjoyable.

We're trying to frame the move as mildly as possible, that they want her under care for a bit so her diabetes is better under control and her blood pressure is more stable, etc. That's what I said when I called my mom and told her, and suggested packing a bag for a few days' getaway. She blew up, said they're infringing on her rights, and they have no business doing that. She thinks I'm her guardian, even though in court I said I had my doubts about it because of the fighting and drama. As for the diabetes, my mom insists it went away on its own!

I don't know how this will go down ultimately. I feel bad for my mom because it can't be easy to be torn from your home, but she chain smokes, pops xanax and norco when she has it (now she's gotten someone to get her 100-proof schnapps, which she's drinking for her nerves), barely eats, never regulates blood sugars, keeps isolated and paranoid, so this ultimately has to be for the better. She's more confused in ways, too. She has no clue about the guardianship, what the court date was about, even though it went on right in front of her. I was trying to hedge it and say that they're watching out for her because I wasn't doing a good-enough job. (Essentially true on many levels.)

The woman who runs the facility suggested I go in this weekend and take anything I want and/or need because the attorney will probably want her out by month's end and may put things in storage, so I'll go and look for some sentimental items. My mother, over the years has thrown away or sold things, or even burned family photos, so much is lost, but there are a few mementos I'd like that are still around. There's no gold bar heirloom or anything, but I'd like a few things with memories tied to them.

Heidi, I'm with you, it would have been nice if they had let you know the move was happening tomorrow, at least two weeks ago. Though I suppose it could be that a room just became available and they did not have much notice either.

Heidi, your life is about to begin. It is going to be a process. Six months ago I finished four years of 24/7 for my mom and her hubby. I am just now beginning to feel almost normal. The disdain I have felt for my sissies is being replaced by things I need and want to do for myself. It was a very ugly situation with my twisted sisters, and I will never have anything to do with them again. Will not open myself up to that.

Your Mom's guardian will probably do some things that you do not like. But, even so, it sounds as if you are ready for a drastic change in your life! Enjoy, catch your breath, sleep, eat and BREATHE!

Ugh. I need to vent a bit so here goes.
I'm a bit wired. Courts appointed a guardian for my mom and they've been low-key. Doctor paid a couple visits, and so did someone from independent living. I just found out they want to move her tomorrow. I feel like I've been kept out of the loop on this. But then again, I guess I'm not the guardian...
I feel sort of guilty, though. My mom has no clue about the home situation. I know when she finds out she'll have a fit, threaten suicide, etc. She's actually been a lot nicer lately since she ran out of xanax a month or so ago. Less hate talk and a bit more clear. Problems still, but not like before. But seeing the doctor visit and the independent living lady come by I realize how bad off my mom is. Maybe I just see the slow decline and you don't notice it so much, where they see it right there in front of them. But my mom's eating habits are bad, she's confused (she thinks these visits are spurred on by Social Security), etc.
This sprouts a lot of questions. Since I'm not guardian, it sounds like all I can offer is moral support. But do they auction off her stuff, let her keep some things like clothing or even some furnishings? The attorney has been kind of absent. I'm not really worried about money. I mainly am going to adopt her cat to give it a good home and I wouldn't mind a few items of sentimental value. (There aren't many, because over the years she just got rid of stuff whenever she was annoyed with someone or something.)
Maybe ultimately this will be better for her, for her to get care she needs by a neutral party.

Ugh! So how MANY of these type parents ARE there anyway?? My mom had her stroke in August and is still in rehab and my Narc dad still puts money and himself first in everything. Of course he still treats me like crap as he has since I can remember. I love an hour away but go in for my mom and if I stay overnight, guess where. One week I had all I could take of his jabbing and my jabbing back and stayed at inlaws and a hotel for a break. I have POAs for both parents now by a miracle, so mom doesn't have to go back to that crazy crap again with him.
For example yesterday, the girl who comes to help him with his business and money was finishing up a deposit when I called and told him I was in town and k could be there just before lunch to take him to see mom. Well he let me know he couldn't stop a workforce of people he was overseeing to just go see mom or deal with her because she had a crying fit that morning either (which she was having because of things HE had said the day before I found out). Well I hung up and let him deal with his visit on his own and didn't see him at all. The girl was actually done with the departure and he just didn't want to deal with me. Typical way he treats me. Next time I talk to him sugar couldn't melt in his mouth of course. (Insert ugly words here). So I go see mom after he's left and she's of course upset terribly again and I take her to the speech therapist to help me get through what she's trying to tell us ( her speech is still garbled) and then she's fine when we talk her through it.
He is an insensitive jerk and isn't even trying to relate to the fact mom is different and has no filter in her emotions or understanding.
I truly hope mom regains her ability to walk, but I can't let her go back home to him. If she had been home yesterday during the time he was on the phone with me and she was crying, all he would have done would be yell at her and shove Valium down her, or whatever he may have on hand. I can't have that. He can't take care of his own self.
And I have no doubt he would be much of the reason she didn't take her heart Meds that caused the clot to begin with telling her she didn't need them for whatever reason. He's nut prions for using God in every excuse to do or not do something. "God will keep you alive and we will live to 120. You don't need pill, Moses didn't take them."
Ugh!!!!

I just have to add the latest on my mom. On Sunday I shopped for her -- went to three stores to pick up meats, fruits, vegetables, bread and a few goodies for her. She seemed OK with it. Today while in the thick of work, and while dealing with a sick pet who I needed to go to the vet to get medication for, she calls and asks me to get cigarettes. Now.

I explain, right now I'm trying to catch up on work and clean up after a very sick cat who made a huge mess, and then I'm running to the vet to get his medication.

Well, I need cigarettes now, she says. She then proceeded to insult me, telling me she never asks for anything (not true at all, mom!), and that one day I would see "it" before my eyes and know everything. What is "it" I asked her. No answer. She said all I had to do was look right in front of me and I'd see "it." I told her I didn't have time for guessing games so she could be up front or I'd think she was just making something up because she's mad at me for not dropping everything to get her cigarettes.

Thing is, if she'd been a little nice and patient and said, "if you can get me a pack of cigarettes today -- even if it's in the evening, that's OK," I may have gone along. But instantly getting angry and defensive, well, I don't feel like dealing with it. I don't know why I instantly get labeled a big jerk because I don't do everything she wants when she wants it. If she wanted to badly enough she could call a cab to take her to the corner store and wait while she shops.

My mom is definitely a NPD type, though undiagnosed. (Nothing is wrong with her and everyone is jealous, she says, so why go to a therapist?)

I called adult protective services and explained some of the issues, told them we could not help her anymore since all she wants is cigarettes and pills and fights everything and everyone. (We went into much more detail about that and other things.) It got the ball rolling. A doctor visited her, the social worker, an attorney. I called the police during a heat wave when she wouldn't run her AC (said it was broken, but she'd unplugged it and was being cheap). After some visits they did decide she needed a guardian. They asked if I wanted the job. I told them I had strong reservations. We went to court and they appointed one. I'm sure it'll eat into whatever savings she has, but I don't care. They're going to push for more care, and that's fine with me.

My mom has a real issue with my husband, which is a huge problem. Within 24 hours of our first date she had her stroke and that's when it all went downhill. She thinks he forced me to detach from her, and it's of course more complicated that that. I was simply tired of her dictating (or later trying to dictate) how I should feel, look, where I should go, my hobbies, etc. The more independent I became, the more a betrayal it was to her.

I want to spend my life with my husband, which is healthy, I think, and he's been nothing but nice to her, and much more patient than I have been. We're just tired of it. I've cried, felt despair and more over her. She's made me feel so bad after some incidents I've been on the road and thought I could just accelerate and drive into a tree or drive off a bridge, and then I think, no, I still want to enjoy my life, just not without the garbage she doles out.

Just the other day we went to bring some groceries and she started up again, telling my husband he told her to her face he didn't like her (clearly hallucinated or dreamt) and then trying to give him some knickknacks, adding he may as well take them before he steals them. We cut the visit short and just thought, yeah, the guardian is a good idea. They can take a turn being the bad guy. They'll get much more out of it by tapping into her savings and checking (which isn't huge) but we'll hit the lottery in not dealing with this crap anymore. We've had more than a dozen years of it. I'm sick of it.