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Mom enjoys people visiting to most. We have friends of ours stop by for short periods and celebrate, anything. Someone's birthday- they need not be there, Spring, getting a pet, etc you get the idea. A special sweater, a spritz of cologne and a special treat are all that she needs
Recreating the past is an invitation to get stuck in frustration and depression.............Let it go and just live in the moment: search for new ideas from activity directors at senior centers.
Yesterday is in the rearview mirror: enjoy whatever moments you have now and make new memories for yourself because your loved ones may not retain any of them.
"Memories, light the corners of my mind, misty watercolor memories of the way we were."
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ just shy of 5 yrs ago. I watched both my Stepfather and Maternal Uncle who was a Priest die in a NH with ALZ. My stepfathers death came pretty quickly 1.5 yrs after diagnosis, Unc was institutionalized after surgery and 5 days later finally came out of the anesthesia and thought he was back in Korea as a Chaplain in 1952. Unc died in 2005. These were two of the three most important men in my life, and was Blessed to have them. The third was my FIL who like my Stepfather was also a WWII Vet and one of the kindest men I've ever known.
Almost immediately Unc had a temper that flared and scared me, my DW and very small children at the time. within 10 minutes of visiting he was yelling at us to leave. We'd drive 1,000 miles RT just to see him. My Stepfather, barely knew me, he live in VT and he too was a long way away, we made a couple of trips there to see him, he enjoyed our company for 1.5 hrs and he sent us off and said, he wanted to be alone not with people he hardly knew. I first met him when I was 12, he died in 2015, I am now 61. There was more than a casual relationship, it was saddening to see how quickly this man WWII Vet, career Mechanical Engineer, didn't even remember my mother's name.
My mother was an RN and DON for a Catholic Rehab Center for many years. I became familiar with the NH at the age of 10 and my mother taught us about the perils of life in a NH or Rehab Center in ones that weren't well run and what to look out for. I've made the decision that when I have to be put in MC, I want to be 100 mi from the house my DW and children live in. I want them to be able to go on with lives with their own families and my DW 8yrs younger than me can get on her with life. I've been told all my life I looked and acted like my maternal uncle. I don't want my family to live through all the trouble that my Uncle lived through in his declining years, he chased us all away. He was my Hero.
My goal is for my family to keep enjoying the life we have and go on their own way as I further decline. I don't ever want to be mean to my DW and children. My DW and I have also lived our faith and created great memories traveling the world. All along we took pictures and encouraged them to enjoy the memories we've created, not have their final memories of a father that was angry and not able to remember the holiday traditions we had established. I say go on, enjoy what we've had, create your own future good memories and enjoy their own families. Everyone of us patients has the right to make their wishes known and we all could help prepare our families to face what the endings of this disease do to us. I hope I'm not off of the rails, but this seems to me to be some good advice to share. I am a very happy guy, and I wouldn't change anything in my life, I've had a Blessed life. I have a 5 yr Neuro-Psych exam in a couple of weeks that will probably say I've entered the Mid Stages of ALZ and hope my comments are food for thought.
Even when mom couldn't remember what happened each day we still had our usual family events. Whether she remembered the next day didn't matter. We still have the sweet memories from the pictures we took. I miss my mom every day but look at the pictures very often. She's even the screen saver on my computer.
Just experienced this with new position I began 2 weeks ago. Seeing Valentines Day approach and no children making effort to arrange helping parents to exchange gifts, I asked him if he would like for me to order flowers for her. I told the florist the circumstances and asked her to be sure the arrangement was their best work. When the flowers arrived she wept as she told him how beautiful they were, and how surprised she was to get them. A far away memory was triggered for her and he was once again the young man she had fallen in love with 62 years ago. I had bought cards also for them to exchange, but the time was never right for them to sign them, so they will be kept for next year. The flowers were sufficient to please both of them and not complicate things. A simple suggestion by me and a beautiful job by the florist, brought faded memories home for both.
This is a very touching article. My mother who has lived with Alzheimer's for over six years no longer remembers my dear departed father or understands what Valentine's Day is. Nevertheless, I bought her candy, flowers, and a nice Valentine Day's card. It made me feel good to do this. I guess these gestures are as much if not more for our own benefit than for the people we love.
SJH....you put the words exactly the way I am feeling them today....knowing my Mama as I always knew her is gone forever makes these holidays almost unbearable for me....I guess that is what is wrong with me today...can't stop feeling like I am going to cry, I totally know that it is what we do every day that matters...and I know that Mama is still here..physically...and I try so hard to make sure she knows how loved she is...still...knowing there will NEVER be those moments we shared through the years again....sometimes it feels like I simply can't even breathe....and no one else around me....other than you dear folks...seem to understand that.....
I'm so glad that he remembered your wedding picture. That was a brilliant idea! His response was the real him.
When he tried to hit you - that's the disease - and you can't possibly keep him happy. No one can.
However, knowing that doesn't make it easier for you. You may want to talk to the doctor about this reaction if it happens often. Sometimes, violent reactions are the clue that it's time for nursing home care. He'd feel terrible if he could understand what he tried to do.
Please keep us informed about how you are doing. Carol
My husband doesn't have a clue about the day, the meaning, or what all the hearts are for. However, I did put a picture of our wedding day and the two of us from a year or too ago. He got it. and he did come and say, "I love you." Something I haven't heard for years! It was refreshing for me. And endearing. A week later he tried to hit me because I was making him go to Day Care. This was a first in our marriage of 38 years. He has had Alzheimer's for 9 years and is in stage 6. I am having a lot of trouble facing to day to day activities now. It is so hard to try and keep him happy!
I agree that showing day in-day out love is vital, so I do agree with all of you. That is more important than holidays. But for some, holidays do still matter. If my mom hadn't been aware of the holidays, and if I hadn't known that Dad would do anything for Mom, I may have made less of those days. For them, I know I did the right thing.
That's why, in the end, we all make our own "best" decisions for our loved ones. I love the perspective on this wonderful community forum. You are all amazing. Carol
I am not so sure. In our support site we debated instances where the staff sent a card in the name of the person with dementia. There is a grief in receiving a card that way. I miss my loved one. I miss the connection that is part of Valentines. Love is not about cards, candy, flowers. There is a deep hurt that those things are gone, forever.
Yay, Sumi! It is so nice when they still can enjoy those special holidays. I wish my Mom could enjoy them. That is why I made the point that any and every day can bring a special celebration. Cheers;)
Ditto! to each their own. If the recipients enjoy a small memory that they've always enjoyed... do it. If if don't enjoy it, don't do its a no brainer. Un-like imposing a child to a Halloween dress up, if an Elder wants to take part in a celebration, they are still amongst the living and should be able to enjoy life as much as they choose, my Mom chooses this part of her life and I'm happy to meet this positive state of being.
Holidays are relative. If your parent at 94 with advanced dementia is not aware of a specific holiday, it is not important. It's similar to taking your 2 year old out dressed up like a goblin for Halloween. Oh, how cute. Not really! Just make every visit special, loving, lots of hugs and a treat. It takes more thought and effort to do that than make a big deal out of the commercial manmade "holidays" we are subjected to. Love is every day.
BRAVO on this topic! My 87 yr old Mom has always been a huge celebrator of Holidays and Birthdays but in the last 10 yrs, her abilities declined and mine inclined to do the decorating with/for her that she has always done.
Now I'm doing the same card and gift exchange with my Parents as described above. My 96 yr old Dad, goes along but really could give a hoot! LOL, whereas Mom is all giggles with the whole sharade but...hey! Mom still likes to dress up, dorn make up, wear her wig and play gift exchange over a favorite meal or dessert.
This year "Dad" will give Mom a small box of chocolates, card and maybe a small token. "Mom" will give Dad a card and chocolate Milk shake. Thats all he wants. (sans card but he'll get one anyway)
Their NH room is decorated and Mom loves the complements on her decor. If these last little things can bring a smile on their faces and hears, then I'm all over it.
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Celebrating Special Occasions When a Loved One Has Dementia
Yesterday is in the rearview mirror: enjoy whatever moments you have now and make new memories for yourself because your loved ones may not retain any of them.
"Memories, light the corners of my mind, misty watercolor memories of the way we were."
Almost immediately Unc had a temper that flared and scared me, my DW and very small children at the time. within 10 minutes of visiting he was yelling at us to leave. We'd drive 1,000 miles RT just to see him. My Stepfather, barely knew me, he live in VT and he too was a long way away, we made a couple of trips there to see him, he enjoyed our company for 1.5 hrs and he sent us off and said, he wanted to be alone not with people he hardly knew. I first met him when I was 12, he died in 2015, I am now 61. There was more than a casual relationship, it was saddening to see how quickly this man WWII Vet, career Mechanical Engineer, didn't even remember my mother's name.
My mother was an RN and DON for a Catholic Rehab Center for many years. I became familiar with the NH at the age of 10 and my mother taught us about the perils of life in a NH or Rehab Center in ones that weren't well run and what to look out for. I've made the decision that when I have to be put in MC, I want to be 100 mi from the house my DW and children live in. I want them to be able to go on with lives with their own families and my DW 8yrs younger than me can get on her with life. I've been told all my life I looked and acted like my maternal uncle. I don't want my family to live through all the trouble that my Uncle lived through in his declining years, he chased us all away. He was my Hero.
My goal is for my family to keep enjoying the life we have and go on their own way as I further decline. I don't ever want to be mean to my DW and children. My DW and I have also lived our faith and created great memories traveling the world. All along we took pictures and encouraged them to enjoy the memories we've created, not have their final memories of a father that was angry and not able to remember the holiday traditions we had established. I say go on, enjoy what we've had, create your own future good memories and enjoy their own families. Everyone of us patients has the right to make their wishes known and we all could help prepare our families to face what the endings of this disease do to us. I hope I'm not off of the rails, but this seems to me to be some good advice to share. I am a very happy guy, and I wouldn't change anything in my life, I've had a Blessed life. I have a 5 yr Neuro-Psych exam in a couple of weeks that will probably say I've entered the Mid Stages of ALZ and hope my comments are food for thought.
Carol
When he tried to hit you - that's the disease - and you can't possibly keep him happy. No one can.
However, knowing that doesn't make it easier for you. You may want to talk to the doctor about this reaction if it happens often. Sometimes, violent reactions are the clue that it's time for nursing home care. He'd feel terrible if he could understand what he tried to do.
Please keep us informed about how you are doing.
Carol
If my mom hadn't been aware of the holidays, and if I hadn't known that Dad would do anything for Mom, I may have made less of those days. For them, I know I did the right thing.
That's why, in the end, we all make our own "best" decisions for our loved ones. I love the perspective on this wonderful community forum. You are all amazing.
Carol
Just make every visit special, loving, lots of hugs and a treat.
It takes more thought and effort to do that than make a big deal out of the commercial manmade "holidays" we are subjected to. Love is every day.
Now I'm doing the same card and gift exchange with my Parents as described above. My 96 yr old Dad, goes along but really could give a hoot! LOL, whereas Mom is all giggles with the whole sharade but...hey! Mom still likes to dress up, dorn make up, wear her wig and play gift exchange over a favorite meal or dessert.
This year "Dad" will give Mom a small box of chocolates, card and maybe a small token. "Mom" will give Dad a card and chocolate Milk shake. Thats all he wants. (sans card but he'll get one anyway)
Their NH room is decorated and Mom loves the complements on her decor. If these last little things can bring a smile on their faces and hears, then I'm all over it.