I am so frustrated! My brother moved back when my father’s health started deteriorating and now lives in our house, but he refuses to do much of anything to help! I’m burnt out and could really use someone to share the tasks because my Dad is completely dependent on assistance and also now Alzheimers. I don’t have to explain how stressful this is. I am his only caregiver.

About once a week, i will run into my brother when he comes in the side door or in the kitchen at night, but he won’t do anything to care for our father except, if I desperately need to go out for emergency run to the store, he will sit in another room and be there just in case Dad needs help. He also helps lift him in and out of the car when I can’t do it myself. (I am extremely grateful for his help in these circumstances, and he is very gentle and kind regardless of what time it is.)

When he first moved in, I told him everything and asked if he could taken on specific tasks. He said he didn’t feel comfortable caregiving, and besides, I was doing such a good job. Wtf! No one can do this 24/7! Why the heck did he move home? Im so mad. I have to hire help, and he now wonders how Dad will adjust... but claims he's sorry but can’t help do anything. (I didn’t even ask him.) Hmmm well if you would even just help a little I might not have to hire anyone! Rarrrr!

I know now I should just let it go... but I’m just so mad tonight.

My mom has been isolated from the family for many years. My brother will not help he doesn't have a relationship with my mom. When I told him I was taking care of my mom he said "he would come if I needed him" but he might do more harm then good. I am looking for someone to help me with my mom's finances. I am POA of her medical and financial affairs. I am praying for a support team. I hired a Home health care agency for respite care. With God all things are possible.

To finish, it is, I think, all about choice and the relationship. Duty comes in, absolutely. When duty is mostly why we care-take, and I do think duty must not be shirked, THEN the resentful feelings, so devastating to self, so unfair to the older person, come flooding in. Just my opinion. And of course, one sounds like a total jerk voicing one's dissatisfaction. We've all been there. We sound like the selfish ones. "What, you begrudge Mother the price of some groceries, a drive out to visit her?" This from daughters who haven't been near her in years. Answer is no, not the first few times, daily, weekly, year after year, yeah, kinda.

I really loved my grandmother, long gone now. She did not need care, yet she did need company. When I was a in my teens, I found it a privilege to visit with her. Not exciting, just a joy. A blessing, grateful I was for her kindness when I was young.
The days were long, and our main entertainment was talking. Good good days.

I'm with you, Metrie. I'm not prepared to be an "only child" or to see my mother as "my" responsibility. Honestly, I'd want to slit my wrists if I started thinking that way. I think this advice works best for people who truly love their care recipient and can feel good about the care they are giving and the time they are spending with the elder even if nobody else shares the load. That's not my situation, and it doesn't seem to be yours either. I don't feel good about it. I regret and resent every hour I spend doing chores and favors for my selfish mother. I'm not prepared to let my siblings off the hook, no how no way. There's no reason on earth why I should be stuck with this and they should get to go on with their lives. No way will I resign myself to this situation on a permanent basis.

I am not sure how I feel about "taking the high road." Yes it is a wonderful goal,
and the healthiest way to approach a situation. However, I have to admit that my
"high road" actions, only in this situation, are forced upon me. I don't want to be mean to my MIL. My husband won't have me involved except to do for her, if I won't, he declares he doesn't need me, drives the hour and a half, and our little family suffers from his rage, my son suffers, and I have had few kind words from the man in years. So much stress. As far as MIL's own daughters, I sent them all an email a while back explaining what their behavior was doing to their brother, to our family. We have to do all the things you refuse to do, your mother wants you. They didn't refuse me, they ignored me altogether. No response.

Tell them that they'll get a reduced inheritance.

Did anyone get help? and how did you? I have helped with money & time for years. I was their backup plan if they couldn't make their bills or they wanted new stuff. Now I need help because I had surgery and can't leave my house. I have no food for me or my dogs and need to go to the store because I have 2 more weeks of rest and I don't have any supplies so I can't make it that long without someone going to the store for me. after I asked for help I got a text that was meant for someone else and then I knew they thought of me as a burden and it would be a big deal for them to help me and they would have to be talked in to it. They did take me to my surgery and get me groceries twice. I also paid for their groceries. which they bought twice as much groceries for them selves. My food was $60 and the charge on my card was $233. this happen twice but i needed help so I didn't say anything. now I'm on the start of the 3rd week and when i asked for help i get a text meant for someone else that says see if you can find a way to help because you know how she is if we don't help. yea I have been mad in the past when i have gone way out of my way to help and then get told no. This time I can't say never mind I'll do it my self, because I can't. I won't even talk about the fact no one has offered to help clean my house or even ask if my bed needs clean sheets. That is why my house is dirty. I don't know what to do because I am using my last can of dog food today. did you get help? what did you do?

Yes hadenough, I get the same old lip-service from my siblings. It all sounds good, but never seems to materialize. If I manipulate it to make it happen, it seldom turns out to be of little, if any, help at all anyway. After 20+ years of being primary caregiver for my mother, I have just about heard and seen it all. Though I don't really understand how some people can live with themselves, while being so self-serving and selfish and greedy. But, after this long, I would have gone mad trying to figure it out, so had to let it go. I look at it as they don't want to help and I cannot make them want to. I hear things that are being said about me from time to time, and just shake my head; how they can be so judgmental without walking a step in my shoes just throws me. I know some people are like that, but I never thought my family was! "Other people." As much as it hurts to dig my head out of the sand and see things as they are now is very sad, so sad. I cry sometimes thinking about the ugly demon that has raised its head and believe it is evil. But, envy, jealousy, greed, etc. are just that. All I can say is accept things for what they are, keep in your mind what you are doing and why and the "others" will just have to deal with their pitiful consciences whatever way they choose. Just put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can for your loved one; if only the "others" knew that they are hurting our loved one more than me, maybe they would stop, but I can't tell them because they won't listen; they just think I am attacking them, no matter how nicely I say things or how helpful and gentle I try to be with them. Any more, I don't give it any worry, if I hurt their feelings, oh well. Let them deal with some of their own medicine, though I don't do it intentionally. I am no saint, by any means, but I sure feel I am in a better place than some of the "others." I have my share of depression, anxiety, stress and worry, but, deep down, know I am doing the right thing--or trying to, at least! God bless you.

Boy was I lucky to find this web site. I am going thru what everyone else is in the fact that I am the main caretaker of my Mother. I also have a brother and sister who I have asked for help. What I asked for was 2 days a month. That way they would only have to be a caregiver for 1 day a month each. They both said "sure, we will do that for you." Well that was in Jan. and 6 months later I can count on one hand the times they have been here. I cannot make them give me some relief but my resentment is great. Then today my Mother tells me she is going to have to turn me in for "another slave" because I refused to let the housekeeper go (she comes once a month) and do the heavy cleaning myself!! I AM SOOO DONE

Family and friends? Got none. Took care of my stepdad, which was easy. I'd been sole caregiver to my mother for 10 years, which was easy too, until Mom went senile and turned on me through the help of one of her distant neighbor's interference, as well as my mom's younger greedy male sibling and his daughter and her husband, feeding lies into her head about me, which she believed, keeping me away from her though my uncle's physically abusing me and threatening to shoot me if I went to my mom's house anymore. Greedy bastards.

They let mom starve down to nothing, shoved her into a nursing home, robbed her of everything, bank accounts, property, and all belongings, and took my brother's, my, and my daughter's inheritance from us, as well as all of my personal belongings that I had in storage at my mother's house next door. I lost everything.

Then, that neighbor had a stroke, one of her sons blew his house up cooking meth in his basement, and both of her sons now live next door to me in the house I grew up in, my mom's, that my daughter was always supposed to get. They'd destroyed mom's Will at the start of their scheme, and got her to revoke my durable power of attorney, early on. The uncle and his wife died recently, his daughter and her husband died recently, and it's true what God says. "vengeance is His". Mom died a couple of years ago, with someone mentioning my brother and I as "her estranged children" in her obituary. No mentioning of her only grandchild, my daughter who had also helped her and she'd been convinced to turn upon and against.

We were "estranged" only because those elder abusers of my mom's would have killed us if we'd had any contact with her. They destroyed my and my daughter's reputation in a court of law before a crooked judge because one of my mother's other siblings is in county politics. I didn't stand a chance of getting my story told when I'd filed suit, and had been warned by my mother's sister that it would go exactly that way.

Now, that idiot judge has been stricken with ALS and had to retire. PITY.

i am poa of my stepfather. I hve had him for 3-1/2 years and my brother qwants to be caretaker now but can not be bonded,si I just pay him.How can i show legally i no longer receive this money

I can sure relate, caregiving is challenging and a drain on (especially if one) a person in so many ways, on so many levels. Mentally with mood-swings and bouts of depression for me, emotionally, socially (both friends and family-wise) we don't have the flexibility that others do and, usually, end up distanced from our family members and losing contact with most friends. It is very sad, in a way, what all we have to give up for doing the right thing--so unfair that there is not more help from the government, since we are really saving them so much money by providing the tasks at much less--oftimes nothing--than they would be paying somewhere else. It is just so unbalanced, costing a fortune to pay someone but getting next to nothing after giving up our jobs, lives, dreams . . . I know it is something that I would rather do than letting a stranger, and it is so rewarding sometimes, am grateful that I am able and Mom is still with us; but I am struggling financially, which gets very depressing, adds such stress to life and just isn't fair. Oh, well, what else is new? Take care, all, keep smiling and as positive as humanly possible!

I have a dysfunctional family. I am the main care giver for my 74 yr old mother who has emphysema, on oxygen 24/7. She never drove or made friends. I have 4 siblings and only one helps out occasionally. My mother moved next to me in October, which has made things easier for me, but I still do 95% of the caring. I work part time am married and have two adult kids in college living at home. My brother isn't working and visits every few months only to take my mom out to dinner. He had the guts to ask my mom to lend him $23,000 to pay off his vacation sea shore trailer! Thankfully she said no because I don't know how he would pay her back being unemployed and already in debt. I have tried every way I can to ask for help and feel as though I am talking to a wall. I have decided to stop asking because it just stresses me out. I see my mother getting worse health wise and don't know what the future holds. I know my siblings will all be lined up after my mom passes with their hands out. I wish I could give them what they really deserve, NOTHING!

Another good ole' try around the corner! Yes...I'm getting sibs together again to see if we can work out some help. Mom fell a couple of weeks ago...finally got to the phone but didn't want to bother me at work...she was on the floor for 3 hours. Thankfully she was not hurt. Since last sibs meeting...her short term memory is worse, her judgment is not as sharp and she is physically weaker. So...Tuesday...we are meeting. I sure love my mom...she's the sweetest...but I need help. If it doesn't work out...it's not that I haven't tried. I will just seek other avenues and not look toward my sibs. Here's to another try!

So, after 5 yrs. of caring for Dad and one two month trial for respite and some rehab stays for Dad, we got Hospice on the scene. Hospice is not just for "at the end". They came with 3 showers a week, 2 nurse visits, social workers, doctors, chaplain visits and our house's door had a swingin door. We've both added college and other obligations to our lives and some of these visits were a bit like intrusions/but not really. Studying for exams and hubby working 8 hr. days for money, I had alot of the "care" on my shoulders and I gave up. I asked social worker for a less expensive place for Dad that could take him right away. She gave me some phone numbers. Halelujah! Dad's been in a nice homey atmosphere with only 7 client/patients there for the past 2 days and we are thinkin the price won't break the bank

In a 'perfect world' no 'ONE PERSON' would be the sole 24/7 caregiver. The burden (and yes, often it is a burden, no matter how much we love someone) would be shared by many. Maybe 'load' would be a better word choice. Remember the saying 'many hands make the load light?' - well, if the entire family pulled together - that's the BIG IF - it would sure be a lot easier. Even if ONE PERSON had a bigger share of the load. At least then perhaps the caregiver would not be taken for granted.

Sadly, we live in an imperfect world. Usually ONE child (or in my case - daughter in law) steps forward. We go into it strong, healthy, confident, full of caring, love and a sense of duty and responsibility. We want to help! Then as the years go by and it gets harder and harder - we get so tired, our own health suffers, and we know it is going to get harder as we watch our loved one growing older. The load gets a lot heavier.

Do the other kids notice? Do they care? You all know the answer. There are a few dutiful families out there who all pull together - but from what I gather - it is usually just one who does most of the grunt work.

Thankfully, they do call mom (they live out of state) and friends from church stop to see her regularly. Guess how many calls from friends I receive asking how I am? Guess who stops to see me to check on how I am doing? I don't begrudge my MIL the calls and visits she receives. I am so grateful for them. But they are just visits to cheer HER up. I am invisible.

They see her sweetly sitting in her chair and have no idea what it took to get her there.

As much as I love my own children and know they love me - the likelihood is very good that just ONE PERSON would have the majority of care-giving duty for me. They would be the one to give up their life. I don't want to do that to my children - any of them. I don't want ONE to do that for me and then resent the others. I don't want to be the cause of that for my children. As a parent I would die for them - but I CHOOSE NOW that they NOT die for me. Is that wrong?

I know they would make sure I was cared for and would visit me. That's all I ask. I don't want any of them to sacrifice living no matter how noble it is. I know I am doing the right thing for my MIL - but I am not sure I want my children to do the same for me - because even though I know it is the right thing, the loving thing - it still doesn't make it easy. This is the most difficult thing I have ever undertaken.

I love my children - but now that I know how difficult it is be a full time caregiver - I just don't want that for them. To put their life on hold, disconnect from friends, stop being able to do things they enjoy, to give up all spontaneity - to stop living - just for me. It doesn't matter how much they love me. It is hard to watch someone you love get older, sicker, weaker and then die.

I think that the only way I would ever reconsider this decision would be if the kids all got together and discussed what they ALL could do as a FAMILY to help care for me. IF they were ALL willing to do their fair share. I don't think most families ever do this. We sure didn't.

Talk about a good idea for a Government Issued Handbook! Every family should get one EVERY year - Outlining the steps to fairly divide care-giving duties and provide needed respite and financial help :0) It'll never happen. We live in an imperfect world.

Sorry for the rant.............

I whole hearted agree with you and one reason is that nobody really cares everone is living their lives with their own families.mom and dad have lived their lives and now its time for them to rest and get out of the way! That is how our new genration of childrens think. After all old age doesn't last that long!!!!

We all do so much for so little. Often we don't even get a thank you. What's fun is that now that my MIL's memory is not 'reliable' she has even forgotten most of the things I have and still do for her. If she doesn't remember it - it didn't happen! Lovely, huh? Hang in there everyone - when it gets to be too much - then BAIL. I never want my kids to do this - NEVER! Put me somewhere and come and visit. I have told them all that these are MY WISHES. The burden is almost always on one and that just is not fair - no matter how much we love someone - caregiving without a break or help is a killer occupation.

Good for you! Gotta take help wherever and whenever we can get it! That sounds like a good thing that works for you. Thanks for sharing!

Right...we are honoring our parents and lo and behold, we will die or become totally disabled before our parents die......then what??? Those who "could not care for em will be forced into the picture and they will throw em away into a "home"???????? Does not seem fair...........

Same thing in my family. I've been the sole caretaker for my mom for the last 7 years. She's now 90 and Hospice comes to the house because of her emphysema. My brother and his wife live 4 hours away and make 2 trips a year for 2 nights. Then my brother says he can't take her for longer or he will shoot himself. What does he think I do daily, everytday feeding her, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning, taking her to appts, etc etc etc. He once made a comment to me that "I try not to make other people's problems my problem". And this is mom's first born chosen son. I ultimately got cancer I believe from all the stress. Cancer is in remission, but stress is getting worse daily as mom is now battling dementia and altheimers. Oh yeah, and my brother just got back from a 7 day cruise. I've not been able to leave in 7 years. My heart goes out to the rest of you in similiar situations. Keep your heads high, we are doing what nature intended.

What I don't understand is, why, after undergoing rehabilation, I am doing all the work. Instead of them moving about and doing things, I'm the one doing all the running around. I mean, what happened? I thought the point of rehab was to get them mobile and doing things on their own. I've become thge quintessential "fetch and carry" guy. :-) W

Yep, this is only morally wrong, though the criminal element could be scattered in there; or maybe just the sociopath characteristics of feeling no remorse nor empathy. Who knows, I am not a psych, but it seems so wrong in my way of thinking, on so many levels. To each his own, right. I never envy them, because I certainly could not live with myself if I were so cold, but some of those getaways they half-ass flaunt sure sounds like just what MY doctor ordered!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You take care, and I may sound a bit loony but it feels good to be able to get it out in the open rather than stuffing it deeper and deeper--eventually, that poison will probably not be able to find its way out!

I just got back home from an outing with mommy dearest. She wanted me to get her a pie from Walmart as well as hit a few yard sales. She wrote down 3 addresses where she wanted me to take her and, I swear, not one of them were going on. I think she must have gotten the days mixed up and thought it was Friday. Of course, she swears they all 3 said they started today--Thurs. I did get the pie, waited in line about 20 minutes while she sat in the hot car, while the checker ran around out in the parking lot trying to give a customer a bag that they had not taken from the checkstand! Otherwise, I managed to nearly empty my gas tank running around in the heat on wild goose chases. The whole day today I have been trying to talk to her about these plans and I swear she either does not hear but about one out of ten sentences I say to her or else she is just ignoring me. I am so uptight that my back feels like a pretzel and I feel ready to burst. I have got to figure out how to stay calm with her. She has two pair of hearing aids, but does not wear any. I guess she just kept getting them so she could pay on them and had an excuse to not pay me. Am I getting paranoid now? hehe, wish that is all that is going on, but afraid not. She is, and has been most of my life, borderline mentally abusive toward me. Even her sisters will say that mom always favored my brother, there is really no argument or question as far as most are concerned, but she will deny it of course. She wouldn't be the perfect-in-every-way mother if she admitted to it. That she did it rather blatently doesn't matter in her eyes! Bye!

I really feel for u because you are doing this by yourself,I feel bad because I was feeling sorry for myself. a pity party made me feel a shame of myself but you have a hard road to travel by yourself. So yes keep coming back to this site because after I’ve read of other who have it so much worse then myself. maybe you will to!

Hi johnnycares....it's terribly difficult to ask a stranger in your home to care for your parent while u "take a break"....Got to always start off assuming Every One's a crook or crazier than u, that's just for starters. So if you are an only child who's 50 and caring for Dad daily because no one else will and assisted living is expensive and relatives have their own lives, it's really a Grind. I relate to dizzyrider. I've tried to get breaks by giving Dad some of his sleep meds during the day.....you'd think that'd help me. Dad's accidentally taken his pm pills during day before, if I give him a relaxer, sometimes he purposes to push himself then. He gets like manic and starts wanting to wash cars, vacuum floors and eat thru elec cords with vacuum and have bunches of smoke. He takes a notion to go into garage and go down stairs and can't get back up. I struggle awhile trying to help him to no avail and sometimes have to resort to his life alert necklace. I Never wanted this "Job" and it eats at me sometimes worse than others. Dad could go into state vet home but he refuses of course. He doesn't see that he's a burden on me and my morbidly obese body

Sleepy717, look for your state's version of Agency on Aging, or your town's version of a senior center, or elder care homes and ask them for advice or support group referrals. There is probably also a cancer support or information group around too. I know there is a national cancer support organization but I don't recall exactly their name. Maybe someone else here will.

Also, see what any of the nearest VNA or VNS has in the way of information on support groups. I go to a caregivers support group that meets once a month at a VNA that's pretty local. I know that there is an Alzheimer Caregivers support group at a nursing home/assisted living home that I'd like to attend (it's open to anyone caring for a family member or friend with Alzheimer's - a good thing considering I'd never be able to afford sending my mother there if/when she can't stay at home any more.

The prisons are full of people who say they didn’t do it,by the same token there are a lot of us out there who need help and give help. Some of us will not turn the other cheek,why? because we have been able to climb the mountain and it was very hard to get to the top without any help.

I can so relate, all too much, really. It really is SAD to the point of unbelieveable that others can be so selfish and self-centered and seem to think nothing of it. Like isn't everyone like that? Lord help me if everyone was, but there is certainly too many that are. Yes, I am grateful that I am not like that but sometimes I wish I could be more that way, rather than knocking myself out to be good to others, including these weasels that call themselves my siblings. Though they live closeby our youngest sister who suffers cerebral palsy, they won't so much as pick her up on a holiday when they are coming to mom's and my place. Instead, I drive 65 miles each way, out of my way, when I would or should be getting the house and food or whatever ready for them as "company." My sis lives in a group home, but I have always had her on week-ends about once a month before moving so far away (due to financal problems/issues), and it is so heartless that the rest of the family (since my daddy passed away 2 years ago) treat her as though she doesn't exist--or has leopresy. She is the sweetest and most gentle soul (except when behavioral issues present themselves and she becomes combative), but I feel so close to her and know I get a lot just from having her around me. She cannot speak or really express herself, is non-ambulatory, incontinent now but, trust me, she gets her point across, at least to me! I enjoy her company more than the rest of the clan put together, and it really saddens me that they don't include her in family holiday gatherings or anything else. The only reason anybody remembers her birthday is because I have her with me and mom probably uses the opportunity to manipulate having the creeps here to visit. Lucky us, heh.

I wonder why my blood pressure is high, I suppose I am doing it to myself by allowing myself to get so upset; just ask my family, they know that I shouldn't let this get to me. They must be a lot smarter than me, because I didn't know that, Gosh, what a concept. Of course they can do no wrong since mom sees them so seldom, it's a big deal if and when they may be stopping by. Clean house, get make up on, gee, why are they blessing us with this pleasure, though stop in for whatever it is they want and out they go, usually within an hour or two. Thanks, again. lol